Transparency - How This All Began...

Grand hello to everyone.

Wish I had happier holiday news rather than a manifesto, but it's better than silence.

In October of this year I was told I had been misdiagnosed and mistreated for the wrong disorders for the past 10 years. Turns out I have generalized anxiety disorder due to post traumatic stress. Not depression, as they had been assuming since I was 15.

I lost a job in the process, as my anxiety attacks took hold of me anytime stress was involved (interviews, meetings, etc). I have been put on mild sedatives and am awaiting a psychiatric referral.

Now, right as these things are going on, we had just seen our venue for the wedding - that was when I lost the job. At the venue, we pressed NOT to sign for a date (November 5), but Mom was on board to do it; so having put a deposit down, the loss of my job was (her words) "okay because [I'd] have time to plan the next wedding in [my] time off". Then the following week she also signed the contract (November 14) and faxed it back to the wedding planner.

Then hell broke loose. Once I spoke to mother over the phone I knew something was a-miss and there was something I wasn't being told. She was hesitant to tell me over the phone, which only made me more suspicious - it wasn't good. I pressed to get her to tell me.

Getting the news while sedated made me appear stoic and relaxed, when in reality I had just been broken. I DID nearly commit myself to CAMH in downdown Toronto twice in what they define as a "crisis situation" (break-down crisis, not suicidal). The wedding was all I had was what I DID, and now I was having stipulations like I have to be "working full-time" and "mentally healthy" to continue with planning. At this stage, we plan or we cancel; we had less than months.

I don't make promises I can't keep.

I know who I am (and I know I'm not perfect), and I expect that all of you respect that. I don't want to be perfect. I'm not ambitiously driven by work, and I don't want to climb any ladders. I may go back to school but that's neither here nor there at this point. I am looking for part time work, but right now, Craig is working for Fidelity Investments making decent money so he is happy to see me finally making improvements...

I know I am not the family's definition of sucessful, but I do love my life.
No if's and's or but's.

The wedding is OFF. I have emailed Reg (the wedding planner) and Mom and the two of them are sorting out the costs of a cancellation between themselves as it was Mom's card in the first place.

In a sense, I suppose it IS a postponement, Craig and I will be planning our own wedding in our own time, it may very well be sooner. The thing this time is, we'll be paying, inviting who we want and having it wherever we want. It's so sad that what's supposed to be my perfect day has turned the (my) family upside down and caused me to breakdown.

In the interim, it's time to clean the house and work out if I can muster the energy... hitting the eliptical while sedated is harder than you think!