What I wanted to say to mother...

"Merry Christmas, I miss you" seems too open to intrpretation. But my shrinks say that's all I can say via email.

I'm glad I'm away from you and the family. I think when Dad died, the balance between us shifted somehow, and somehow that wasn't good or appropriate.

My personality and yours shouldn't be together. Not because either of us is bad, but the combination of my anxieties with your need to control everything could never have had a good outcome.

I have not a single present under the tree.

And I'm still happy for where my life is. I have so much honest love in my life it astounds me.

It just saddens me that I've lost my trust for you and your family. It started back when my virginity story was broadcast like a fucking soap opera across the aunts and uncles network...

Then I was made to feel ashamed about my personal socializing choices. The parties I went to, and the outfits I wore - even though you have printed pages of smut describing more edgy things than I ever did, just sitting in your night stand... well, they were then, anyway. So I was made out to be a sicko, while you WERE a sicko - just behind closed doors. Hypocrite!

So as a teen I had to disguise myself to your family. I'm sorry but the whole family is about appearances. And I am at a point in my life I don't want apppearance, I want some honest content!

Then Dad was dying - and you treated me like a grown up... which at the time may have seemed right, but I was a little girl who was losing her Dad. I didn't want to give him more morphine to "help him along" or watch him at home everyday... but there he was. Until he wasn't.

And when he died I wanted to cry with you, but you always try to stop yourself, or say we're being "silly", "maudlin" or you've just had too much wine... why can't we just be sad for losing him?

So I reached for Chris. It's a dead story so I won't beat it to death. If I saw him today, I'd beat the crap out of him, but he helped me at a time you didn't. He was someone to tell stories and cry with. That was 90% of all we did. His mom this and my Dad that until we were either laughing or crying or both.

We did get pregnant together, and I had the abortion only because I didn't want HIM to have a child (he said he would take me to court if I tried to adopt it to someone)... The experience was horrid, painful beyond words, scary and yet he was there - and took care of me when I had to twice be rushed to hospital because of internal bleeding and he never left my side.

Credit where it's due, right?

Then, school... that was almost alright cause I had something to focus on and you were never around. That's probably the best we've ever got along... but I was also excelling at what you wanted me to do - so why would you be upset?

The whole Dr. Ed thing still makes my skin crawl. Do I know that I took money, yes. I get it - that was beyond bad, awful, evil, out of line for even a cent. But you and your family gave up on me and treated me as a criminal. ALL of it was all a cry for help from years of shit stacking up... and you and your family act disgusted around me.

Maybe that's where I started to give up on you.

Beth showed up and everyone... freezes. Suddenly the fact I'm "not yours" seems real to everyone. I love my baby sister with everything I am, but no one in your family could recognize they all started treating me differently. This isn't just me talking, but Craig, too.

I'm done with my acting. I'm a book so open, pages sometimes fly off in the wind.

God, I just feel like you really don't care. You didn't want me, Mom. You didn't want to be pregnant, you didn't want to stay home with a child, you wanted to LOOK like a successful all-rounded woman. And you did for a lot of years. You were more excited at the THOUGHT of having a child come to you, than when you held me the first time. You've said it youself. Seriously, think about it - that's kind of messed up.

I'm pretty sure you said you were sorry about "postponing" the wedding so you could have it under YOUR conditions - but I don't think I ever saw it or let it sink in.

I still have the belief that you knew what you were doing by postponing the wedding and because of that I can't forgive you.

You were my Mom and you should have know me well-enough to know what you were up to would KILL ME INSIDE. Unless you really are just dumb and as a child I've over-estimated you.

Anything is possible.

The worst thing is Craig has to see me cry everyday over my own mother's actions.

That's just fucking sick to me, and angering as hell for him.