How to say goodbye...

Mom,

Don't bother reading my blog... it is public, but it's mine and it's not changing. It'll make you feel worse, not better. At least the early posts will.

Just take the time we're going to have to work on you, and I can work on me.

I won't be spending the holidays with family, which is not an easy decision to make. I will miss everyone terribly. I don't expect anything since we seem to have been fighting over money. But if I may clarify, I'm sick of being "helped out" only to have it in my face again later. I also resent being asked to come to you with problems and when I do you take it so far as to literally destroy a dream of mine. Everyone loves being spoiled, I just hate those who don't realize and appreciate it!

You seem to think I was one of those people when I was a kid... I was always told I didn't appreciate things properly. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't back then, but I do know now.

I'm sorry it must kill you to hear... Until I can come to terms with who I am, I cannot have any further contact as it's dangerous for my psyche. I believe the breakdowns I suffer around thoughts regarding the wedding, families, even some of my own fears, stem from negative influence from you.

Just somethings that have to come out:

1. You told me that "ignorange is bliss", once. I asked if this meant I should lie to you and you said, "Yes, sometimes I don't want to know about the things you get into"
2. I DID have an abortion when I was 21, just 3 months after Dad died... and it nearly killed me. It was classified as an "impartial TA", so stuff continued to grow and caused internal bleeding. I remember Grandpa being more concerned than you as I took a taxi to the hospital - and he had NO idea what was going on. You didn't want to ask.
3. I still wish I hadn't had to have been as hands on as I was with Dad's death. And when it was over, I really wished you'd reached out and grabbed me - not the other way around.

Love you (I do),

Megan