Pain

Pain is something I thought I had a very good understanding of.

Physical pain, emotional pain, fake pain, traumatic pain...

I've felt and known all of them, but today with the stupid meds kicking in, I'm in a strange state of... ANGER.

My shoulders have been knotted for days and are killing me.

My insides literally shake because my world has changed so much.

My medication helps me deal with the nausea and mind-created barriers.

But somewhere in the mix there's this feeling of absolute anger.

I want to take the TTC to my mom's house and smack her in the face.

Which is good, actually...

When this whole thing started, I wanted to beat her face in with a rock -

And when I got beyond that I wanted to spit at her.

But a good ol' slap will suffice, there's something more demure about it.

I keep begging for a mother, not a friend.

But that's not going to happen, I'm told.

I have to be a bigger person.

... Well, fuck, I'm trying to be!

How I curse myself for hoping Dad would die first.

I never thought I could live with him because he was nothing like mom.

When he first got sick, I prayed and prayed Mom wouldn't go through anything like that...

I wouldn't know how to live with Dad alone.

I hated it enough when she went on business trips.

But then he was gone and we were all happy for a moment.

Then we realized everything else started now....

And everyone flew around like birds trapped under a net.

I took the pill jars out of Mom's hands she'd been gathering (for no reason) and led her outside to have a beer and smoke a joint with me (which she didn't want). She kept telling jokes about Dad as the sun set...

Neither of us wanted to see Dad being taken out...

But when we needed to check if they were gone, I got up to check, just to see the stretcher smack into the door frame. In that second something changed.

I started trying to act like a grown-up - mom didn't want to cry all the time; but I did.

I found someone who loved to cry to... unfortunately he also liked MAKING me cry.

Rather than stay with mom, I grieved with someone who never even knew my Dad, and disrespected me while he was still around.

Maybe it is too late for me to forgive this one.

This pain keeps getting worse because of someone who assigns dollar value to everything.

The man I'm with now, had time to know the man she loved.

Maybe that's why Craig is so protective... he knew how my Dad was.

Without that balance, my mother seems out of control, and as a result has become a control freak.

Yeah, I don't want to be around that.

Funny, my birth family seems to be understanding beyond words too.

I really just wanna go and hit stuff. Or lie in bed and cry as hard as I can.