Have you ever tried to apologize for something and it all comes out so screwed people think you're worse than when you started? Welcome to my day.
I couldn't fix the couch the way he liked. That's how this all started. Right now I'm ready to run my fist through a wall... had I not tried that only 2 months ago. Hurts a lot more than the emotional pain.
Then he said something and while I heard him, I didn't respond. I was edgy from the way he'd reacted over the couch, and the comment was about a show I was watching on TV... a statement I agreed with. I didn't realize that this silent treatment was the same as the ones he has already complained about.
I hate conflict; I'd do anything to avoid it. Instead I ended up accidentally instigating myself into a black hole.
I wrote an apology for my part and went for a walk.
"I am tired.
I am sorry that I'm so inconsiderate.
I am sick of feeling like my brain is defective. (add-in: does God take returns?)
I am irritated that you're always right.
I hate that my feeling inadequate makes you get down on yourself.
I don't hate you, just your attitude sometimes.
I don't look down on you or ride a high horse,
those times you've said I have, have been times I felt the lowest.
"I love you.
You're everything to me.
You hold me when I cry, give direction when I have none.
You love me when it seems like no one else will.
You make me want to be better than I am. (add-in: or hope to be)
"You have all of my apologies and all of my pride.
Neither of us are perfect, but I still think we're perfect for each other.
Even now."
I came back afterwards to more of the same BS. We yelled. I excused myself from a trip to help his parents. We yelled more. I sat. I cried more.
Some of the things I had blurted out may have been more than just angry ranting. I am a depressed person. Not all the time, not to the point of instability anymore, but I do feel like garbage compared to my excelling fiance. Some of my ramblings included quips like:
"You're always right... You can find hard evidence for any argument we get into... I can't remember anything... We fight over the same things because of my inability to rationally deal with conflict... When we fight your always think I'm trying to make you the bad guy... Do you think I like it that I ignore you without realizing it? That I make the man I love feel like crap? It kills me..."
Perhaps I'm no better than the school-yard bully. Maybe I'm so mired down with my own feelings of stupidity, worthlessness and self-loathing that I transfer those feelings onto Craig. I assume he feels all those things for me, and when he gets angry, it validates those feelings.
He thinks I'm stupid, unattractive, unworthy of him. Who could blame him.
Oh... okay, none of that's TRUE... but it all seems to add up. And throw on to that the mean things that get said during any lover's quarrel and it's a recipe for emotional turmoil. And then his yet un-apologized quote from last weeks tiff rings through my ears:
"You're just like your mother. The sad part is, you don't see it."
And then I get angry again. More crying.
The tears dry.
I catch my breath.
I realize he may be right, although that doesn't excuse the way or intent that came with the way he said it. Hurting the one you love is NEVER okay. But if the hurt wasn't intentional, if it can be worked through and made right, then it can make you stronger.
I just hate the waiting in between. I guess it's a down day, today. But that's a-okay. Life happens.
Showing posts with label mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mom. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Swallowing Pride...
Dear Mom,
I won’t touch our old issues now, they’re not as important as you knowing how I’m doing.
If you want a chance to help me better my life for the positive, here it is:
Attached are the letters of complaint we have filed over and over with our building (just so you know it’s not all “Megan being overly dramatic”). We have been treated so badly, I’ve come to see the only way you can be treated well in this city is if you’re rich. ...And I don’t want to be rich, nor wealthy. But I’m trying desperately to be happy. And how close we are...
Aside from the threats on our personal safety, having to call the cops on other tenants and having no proper fire protection or functioning heater all winter, Craig and I are wonderfully happy together. I don’t know how I would have survived the past few months without him. We have wonderful friends in the area, too.
I now have a job that pays the bills, Craig is on E.I. with a broken hand and we’re making it day by day. Conall is healthy and well. The cats are still enjoying the space here. Life and my heart are in good stead, but my soul is being crushed in this city. I’ve been saying I wanted out for a long time, before I even met Craig if you’ll recall – and I know you remember the family laughed at me for it... so I’m really hoping you won’t do that now.
We are now nearing desperate to leave this city for Kincardine. Craig’s parents don’t seem to like the idea too much, but Craig is looking to work at the Power Plant and I have been submitting resumes with their doctors (they’ve been recruiting to the area), dentists and vets.
The obvious issue is we can’t do it on our budget and with the building’s holding company treating us like we’re the problem, my home has become a place that makes me feel worse, rather than better. It’s not a safe haven, it’s a lobster trap. It’s undoing all the good I’ve done with Dr. Madigan so far.
I’ve been taking more sedatives than I should, practically dependant on them just to be able to be calm enough to focus on watching TV (mostly due to the tenant who threatened us). I’m learning how to use the Bokken (think: big long stick) in self defence. It’s been great for my confidence, but I would’ve rather learned under less stressful circumstances.
I’m sure you can imagine how degraded I feel begging you for help when I’ve been so cold for so long. But I also can’t condone Craig taking money from his parents off their line of credit when they’re still paying off their 2nd mortgage and putting Paul through University... all of this off their pensions.
Since the “formal” wedding has been indefinitely scrapped, I’m asking you for a portion of the money you offered to us to help us start a real home life together in a place where we can be safe and start our family together - NO I’M NOT PREGNANT, SO DON’T PANIC!
It kills me that this is my first non-angry letter to you, but I guess I’m holding up faith that the Mom instinct in you is still there. I couldn’t blame you if you say no or ignore me entirely, but after our lives together, I’m hoping you can accept that I have to cut my own path in life, and right now, I need your help to clear some of the clutter away.
If you choose to write or call me back, I’m not the same person I was when we last spoke. I won’t lie to you about things you don’t want to hear and I won’t hide who I am anymore for the sake of appearances. Ignorance isn’t bliss when it comes to the people we love.
I love the woman I am now; I just hope you can love her, too.
Although it’s against my better judgement to say anything, while I’ve made lots of positive progress without you in my life these past few months, it’s also been some of the most painful times of my life. To turn my back on someone who I couldn’t breathe a bad word about a year ago was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. ...Perhaps with the exception of having to write this.
I’ll be waiting for word from you, whatever it is. Just like it’s my life, it’s also your money to do with as you will. All I can do is ask.
Now with a heavy heart,
Megs.
I won’t touch our old issues now, they’re not as important as you knowing how I’m doing.
If you want a chance to help me better my life for the positive, here it is:
Attached are the letters of complaint we have filed over and over with our building (just so you know it’s not all “Megan being overly dramatic”). We have been treated so badly, I’ve come to see the only way you can be treated well in this city is if you’re rich. ...And I don’t want to be rich, nor wealthy. But I’m trying desperately to be happy. And how close we are...
Aside from the threats on our personal safety, having to call the cops on other tenants and having no proper fire protection or functioning heater all winter, Craig and I are wonderfully happy together. I don’t know how I would have survived the past few months without him. We have wonderful friends in the area, too.
I now have a job that pays the bills, Craig is on E.I. with a broken hand and we’re making it day by day. Conall is healthy and well. The cats are still enjoying the space here. Life and my heart are in good stead, but my soul is being crushed in this city. I’ve been saying I wanted out for a long time, before I even met Craig if you’ll recall – and I know you remember the family laughed at me for it... so I’m really hoping you won’t do that now.
We are now nearing desperate to leave this city for Kincardine. Craig’s parents don’t seem to like the idea too much, but Craig is looking to work at the Power Plant and I have been submitting resumes with their doctors (they’ve been recruiting to the area), dentists and vets.
The obvious issue is we can’t do it on our budget and with the building’s holding company treating us like we’re the problem, my home has become a place that makes me feel worse, rather than better. It’s not a safe haven, it’s a lobster trap. It’s undoing all the good I’ve done with Dr. Madigan so far.
I’ve been taking more sedatives than I should, practically dependant on them just to be able to be calm enough to focus on watching TV (mostly due to the tenant who threatened us). I’m learning how to use the Bokken (think: big long stick) in self defence. It’s been great for my confidence, but I would’ve rather learned under less stressful circumstances.
I’m sure you can imagine how degraded I feel begging you for help when I’ve been so cold for so long. But I also can’t condone Craig taking money from his parents off their line of credit when they’re still paying off their 2nd mortgage and putting Paul through University... all of this off their pensions.
Since the “formal” wedding has been indefinitely scrapped, I’m asking you for a portion of the money you offered to us to help us start a real home life together in a place where we can be safe and start our family together - NO I’M NOT PREGNANT, SO DON’T PANIC!
It kills me that this is my first non-angry letter to you, but I guess I’m holding up faith that the Mom instinct in you is still there. I couldn’t blame you if you say no or ignore me entirely, but after our lives together, I’m hoping you can accept that I have to cut my own path in life, and right now, I need your help to clear some of the clutter away.
If you choose to write or call me back, I’m not the same person I was when we last spoke. I won’t lie to you about things you don’t want to hear and I won’t hide who I am anymore for the sake of appearances. Ignorance isn’t bliss when it comes to the people we love.
I love the woman I am now; I just hope you can love her, too.
Although it’s against my better judgement to say anything, while I’ve made lots of positive progress without you in my life these past few months, it’s also been some of the most painful times of my life. To turn my back on someone who I couldn’t breathe a bad word about a year ago was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. ...Perhaps with the exception of having to write this.
I’ll be waiting for word from you, whatever it is. Just like it’s my life, it’s also your money to do with as you will. All I can do is ask.
Now with a heavy heart,
Megs.
Friday, March 7, 2008
When you hit rock bottom...
My inlaws are loaning us money. People who hang shelves of a daughter who lives in Toronto, pay for a son to go to University, help out their son in a wheelchair and now, their son with a broken hand.
It makes me crazy when they're doing everything they can to help us out when they give so much of what they have as it is. They would break themselves to help their family.
Maybe my mother spent too much time helping out my cousins MaryLou, Charlie, Joanne and Matthew to realize I needed help. Who knows, speculation is not in my therapy plans.
As the old addage goes, "when you hit rock bottom you've got nothing to lose."
Hello, rock bottom! Table for two?
It makes me crazy when they're doing everything they can to help us out when they give so much of what they have as it is. They would break themselves to help their family.
Maybe my mother spent too much time helping out my cousins MaryLou, Charlie, Joanne and Matthew to realize I needed help. Who knows, speculation is not in my therapy plans.
As the old addage goes, "when you hit rock bottom you've got nothing to lose."
Hello, rock bottom! Table for two?
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Keep on truckin'
More therapy, more interviews; one with a dream company. I have a working interview with them next week. This is mine to lose now. I NEED this. My brain needs it, my body needs it, my heart needs it, my mother needs to hear second-hand about it...
Then kick herself for giving me up... Something this world seems to like to do to me. Very frustrating and disheartening.
Craig's hand was most definitely broken and will be in a cast for the next 3 weeks. Not that it mattered, since he lost his job on the same day. ...Perhaps, part of hitting the wall in the first place? Anyway, his E.I. claim was processed and accepted right away, now it's just up to me to get myself up and moving again.
In the interim, we're also dealing with accusations from the University Health Network that Craig's complaint about being offered percocet and oxycontin in the E.R. by Dr. Friedman was a lie. We issued the complaint to the hospital as Craig had a verbal altercation with said doctor, before he offered Craig narcotics in what seemed as a bribe. The hospital has told us Dr. Friedman says this never happened and he never made such an offer. Too bad there was a med student there, too. And a camera.
I've written the CEO of the hospital since Patient Relations only seems to be able to stone wall our questions. Where is the med student? Where is the tape from the cameras? Why would ANY doctor prescribe narcotics from the E.R. to a patient they'll never see again? Why can't you answer these questions?
Day-to-day I deal with the guilt I feel, because of the feelings I have towards my mother. It was so ingrained in me that you stick by family. I can't help but feel like one of those people who turned against their family because of things they uncovered in therapy.
My mother walked over me for the last time. I wish it didn't happen the way it did, but I can't change the past. She chose the actions she did. Now she'll have to deal with the consequences. It sucks. But maybe she'll learn something about real loyalty and love.
Then kick herself for giving me up... Something this world seems to like to do to me. Very frustrating and disheartening.
Craig's hand was most definitely broken and will be in a cast for the next 3 weeks. Not that it mattered, since he lost his job on the same day. ...Perhaps, part of hitting the wall in the first place? Anyway, his E.I. claim was processed and accepted right away, now it's just up to me to get myself up and moving again.
In the interim, we're also dealing with accusations from the University Health Network that Craig's complaint about being offered percocet and oxycontin in the E.R. by Dr. Friedman was a lie. We issued the complaint to the hospital as Craig had a verbal altercation with said doctor, before he offered Craig narcotics in what seemed as a bribe. The hospital has told us Dr. Friedman says this never happened and he never made such an offer. Too bad there was a med student there, too. And a camera.
I've written the CEO of the hospital since Patient Relations only seems to be able to stone wall our questions. Where is the med student? Where is the tape from the cameras? Why would ANY doctor prescribe narcotics from the E.R. to a patient they'll never see again? Why can't you answer these questions?
Day-to-day I deal with the guilt I feel, because of the feelings I have towards my mother. It was so ingrained in me that you stick by family. I can't help but feel like one of those people who turned against their family because of things they uncovered in therapy.
My mother walked over me for the last time. I wish it didn't happen the way it did, but I can't change the past. She chose the actions she did. Now she'll have to deal with the consequences. It sucks. But maybe she'll learn something about real loyalty and love.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Pandora's Box Explained.
My family can print this and use it as a mad-libs of emotional outpouring. Pick the appropriate word for your position and AWAY YOU GO! Enjoy!
Dear / Friend / Aunt / Uncle / Cousin / Second Cousin / Third Cousin (select one),
I'm sorry my actions have made my mother, your / friend / sister /aunt / great aunt / cousin / second cousin (select one) feel so / angry / hurt / upset / betrayed /overjoyed / off the hook (select one). It has taken me a lot of therapy to begin sorting through the pandora's box she opened after cancelling the wedding due to a / change of heart / fear that her daughter's crazy /we're not having kids /stock market crash (select one). I cannot speak to her until I am able to define who I am and support myself without her controlling every aspect of my / life / love life / future / past (select one...or all in this case).
I need YOU to know that I am not a person who strives for weath or power. I don't want it. With power and money, often come immorality and loss of ethics (don't even get me started on this). I would rather be a social activist barely making ends meet than hold any position where my decisions can negatively impact on the planet and people.
Call me a / bohemian / "arteeste" / eutopian-nutter / crazy lady (select one), but that is who I am. I don't feel you all necessarily respect that of me, but I'm not changing. And true, you may just think I'm /ill / sick / damaged / in need of a rubber room (select one), but how sick can someone be when they see their therapist twice a week and take their meds. I'm working on it, but instead of respect for my treatment, people keep pestering me.
If I haven't emailed you - I don't want to hear from you / Friend / Aunt / Uncle / Cousin / Second Cousin / Third Cousin (select one) - unless you're Katie or Beth (or any other Daly/Lusk family member).
side note: Sorry about the lapse ladies, I owe you both a call.
I'm a model of how someone who thinks they're worth nothing can start to prove to themselves that they're worth everything in the world. And I don't need to prove it to you / Friend / Aunt / Uncle / Cousin / Second Cousin / Third Cousin (select one), just to me... so back the "F" off before I actually decide that disowning everyone is best. It's a mighty thin line these days.
My plans for the future (next 5 years) will be moving away (the U.K., then to Australia) and I hope that I can have a meaningful goodbye when that happens. I'm just very aware that the main feeling I still harbour is anger. I want my mother to BEG for my forgiveness. That's trite and selfish, too, but I can't help what I'm feeling. I want a real "I'm sorry", not just offered in a necklace shaped liked scissors - what kind of mother gives that as a gift at a time like this? Jane? Mary? Mary Lou? Carol? Anyone?
A year ago, my mother was best friend and I couldn't have said a bad word about her if I tried. Now I can't think of her without becomming enraged to the point of breakdowns. She doesn't care. She never did. She never wanted me. She wanted the status symbol ...and the little girl inside me is still pissed off about it.
I thought Dad was 'slow' cause he was always so quiet around me. But he loved me from the second he held me. He called me his little angel and cried for almost a day after they got me... My mother was like a stone (HER INTERPRETATION GIVEN TO ME MULTIPLE TIMES). Like, "Oh, look, my parcel has arrived". He was there after school, swimming lessons, taking me to choir practice even though he didn't go to church... and I know mom made sacrifices like coming to school with me EVERYDAY for 3 months (but that's probably just one more reason I'm insane in the brain).
As a result of all this, / Aunt / Uncle / Cousin / Second Cousin / Third Cousin (select one if applicable), I can't deal with her and as a result, most of you. It's not that I don't care for you, but I have lost my trust and faith in the family I once felt sheltered in. The majority of you are judgemental, calculating and cold a lot of the time - but at least you're not selfish. Either way, / Aunt / Uncle / Cousin / Second Cousin / Third Cousin (select one if applicable), I'm too fragile for any of you right now.
I'm sorry if you feel like I'm turning my back or that I don't care, because that's simply not the case. The fact of the matter is I / love you / respect your life and choices / miss you dearly (select one or all of the above). I just have to figure out myself and who I want to be without my mother and familial influence.
I've been Pinocchio without a puppeteer for a few months now, and NOW I'm just trying to be a "real boy".
One day, I won't just be an openly broken girl. But for now, I'm afraid you all just have to accept it.
With respect and love (and a hint of frustration),
Megs.
Dear / Friend / Aunt / Uncle / Cousin / Second Cousin / Third Cousin (select one),
I'm sorry my actions have made my mother, your / friend / sister /aunt / great aunt / cousin / second cousin (select one) feel so / angry / hurt / upset / betrayed /overjoyed / off the hook (select one). It has taken me a lot of therapy to begin sorting through the pandora's box she opened after cancelling the wedding due to a / change of heart / fear that her daughter's crazy /we're not having kids /stock market crash (select one). I cannot speak to her until I am able to define who I am and support myself without her controlling every aspect of my / life / love life / future / past (select one...or all in this case).
I need YOU to know that I am not a person who strives for weath or power. I don't want it. With power and money, often come immorality and loss of ethics (don't even get me started on this). I would rather be a social activist barely making ends meet than hold any position where my decisions can negatively impact on the planet and people.
Call me a / bohemian / "arteeste" / eutopian-nutter / crazy lady (select one), but that is who I am. I don't feel you all necessarily respect that of me, but I'm not changing. And true, you may just think I'm /ill / sick / damaged / in need of a rubber room (select one), but how sick can someone be when they see their therapist twice a week and take their meds. I'm working on it, but instead of respect for my treatment, people keep pestering me.
If I haven't emailed you - I don't want to hear from you / Friend / Aunt / Uncle / Cousin / Second Cousin / Third Cousin (select one) - unless you're Katie or Beth (or any other Daly/Lusk family member).
side note: Sorry about the lapse ladies, I owe you both a call.
I'm a model of how someone who thinks they're worth nothing can start to prove to themselves that they're worth everything in the world. And I don't need to prove it to you / Friend / Aunt / Uncle / Cousin / Second Cousin / Third Cousin (select one), just to me... so back the "F" off before I actually decide that disowning everyone is best. It's a mighty thin line these days.
My plans for the future (next 5 years) will be moving away (the U.K., then to Australia) and I hope that I can have a meaningful goodbye when that happens. I'm just very aware that the main feeling I still harbour is anger. I want my mother to BEG for my forgiveness. That's trite and selfish, too, but I can't help what I'm feeling. I want a real "I'm sorry", not just offered in a necklace shaped liked scissors - what kind of mother gives that as a gift at a time like this? Jane? Mary? Mary Lou? Carol? Anyone?
A year ago, my mother was best friend and I couldn't have said a bad word about her if I tried. Now I can't think of her without becomming enraged to the point of breakdowns. She doesn't care. She never did. She never wanted me. She wanted the status symbol ...and the little girl inside me is still pissed off about it.
I thought Dad was 'slow' cause he was always so quiet around me. But he loved me from the second he held me. He called me his little angel and cried for almost a day after they got me... My mother was like a stone (HER INTERPRETATION GIVEN TO ME MULTIPLE TIMES). Like, "Oh, look, my parcel has arrived". He was there after school, swimming lessons, taking me to choir practice even though he didn't go to church... and I know mom made sacrifices like coming to school with me EVERYDAY for 3 months (but that's probably just one more reason I'm insane in the brain).
As a result of all this, / Aunt / Uncle / Cousin / Second Cousin / Third Cousin (select one if applicable), I can't deal with her and as a result, most of you. It's not that I don't care for you, but I have lost my trust and faith in the family I once felt sheltered in. The majority of you are judgemental, calculating and cold a lot of the time - but at least you're not selfish. Either way, / Aunt / Uncle / Cousin / Second Cousin / Third Cousin (select one if applicable), I'm too fragile for any of you right now.
I'm sorry if you feel like I'm turning my back or that I don't care, because that's simply not the case. The fact of the matter is I / love you / respect your life and choices / miss you dearly (select one or all of the above). I just have to figure out myself and who I want to be without my mother and familial influence.
I've been Pinocchio without a puppeteer for a few months now, and NOW I'm just trying to be a "real boy".
One day, I won't just be an openly broken girl. But for now, I'm afraid you all just have to accept it.
With respect and love (and a hint of frustration),
Megs.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Last few minutes
Well, as the last few minutes of the day run out there aren't many revelations from this particular day, besides:
1) Craig & I are solid no matter what. I can put my heart in that. He's even agreed to join me in therapy.
2) The fact I hurt may be my mother's fault, the fact I'm out of control is mine.
3) I cannot let being "broken" define who I am exclusively. We all come with baggage, mine's just a little heavier. That's okay. It doesn't make me who I am, just dresses me up a little.
Now, I'm going to try to sleep despite the fact my tummy is in knots. Stupid aunt flow. :-P
1) Craig & I are solid no matter what. I can put my heart in that. He's even agreed to join me in therapy.
2) The fact I hurt may be my mother's fault, the fact I'm out of control is mine.
3) I cannot let being "broken" define who I am exclusively. We all come with baggage, mine's just a little heavier. That's okay. It doesn't make me who I am, just dresses me up a little.
Now, I'm going to try to sleep despite the fact my tummy is in knots. Stupid aunt flow. :-P
Friday, January 25, 2008
Tonight, I blew my lid...
Kathy Doherty wrote:
I hope all is well with you and Craig. I think about you a lot and just wanted to check in.
I hope all is well with you and Craig. I think about you a lot and just wanted to check in.
Life is the same ole same ole for me.
Love
Mom
Megan Ball wrote:
How dare you?!
...act like everything is fine... like I want to speak with you.
...have you cancelled the wedding yet or are you still sitting on it so I can talk to Reg at Delta again? :-(
I'm glad life is the "same ole" for you ...do you EVER feel emotional pain?
I spend everyday in torture - screaming at walls, crying, throwing things.
...you don't seem to get that. You've got me to the point I'm "disabled" according to my docs. I have no money come March first, but my doctor says I can't look for work because I'm too unstable. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HEAR THAT?!
Craig yells at me everyday recently (over things that are usually money related) and I can't even blame him. I know what it's like to be with someone like me.
I hate myself. Whatever you thought you taught me about how to love myself, you did a shitty job.
I hope your therapy is going well.
Mine is shite. Not ever enough time for what I need to say.
One day, I'll stop being angry at you. I hope. But right now, I have nothing positive to say to you.
...act like everything is fine... like I want to speak with you.
...have you cancelled the wedding yet or are you still sitting on it so I can talk to Reg at Delta again? :-(
I'm glad life is the "same ole" for you ...do you EVER feel emotional pain?
I spend everyday in torture - screaming at walls, crying, throwing things.
...you don't seem to get that. You've got me to the point I'm "disabled" according to my docs. I have no money come March first, but my doctor says I can't look for work because I'm too unstable. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HEAR THAT?!
Craig yells at me everyday recently (over things that are usually money related) and I can't even blame him. I know what it's like to be with someone like me.
I hate myself. Whatever you thought you taught me about how to love myself, you did a shitty job.
I hope your therapy is going well.
Mine is shite. Not ever enough time for what I need to say.
One day, I'll stop being angry at you. I hope. But right now, I have nothing positive to say to you.
PS - I'll be mailing that necklace back to you, I really don't want something like that from my "Mom". That was the sickest thing to give and the worst message to send - if it WAS unintentional (and I DON'T believe it was), then it was just REALLY fucking stupid. It felt like the WORST head game yet.
PPS - My number has changed. I'll give you the new one when I can say your name without heart palpitations.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
A letter to my biological sister...
Dear Beth,
I'll start by answering your questions:
I did see my Mom over Christmas. She stopped by to drop off gifts, but didn't want me to open them until Christmas. Things were okay until I opened it and found a jewelry box, but inside was a necklace with a charm of scissors on it. How's that for a nasty head game?
The wedding is effectively cancelled until Craig and I can get our financial act together. Sickness benefits are better than nothing, but he's working 50-55 hour weeks trying to pay his student debts off. As you know money truly can be the root of all evil. For all intents and purposes, I guess we're engaged with no firm date.
However, that being said I've been looking into civil ceremonies that only run about $400. Of course you will be the first to know! With my adoptive mother effectively out of my life, that's the God's honest truth. :-P
The next few days are a little hectic; friends over on Friday night, a concert Saturday and my brother-in-law is coming back with the Canadian Sledge Hockey Team from a tourney Japan on Sunday evening.
Plus the therapy. Whoa. Talk about an eye-opener yesterday...
My therapist basically tried to explain that my adoptive mother (conscious or not) has played a lot of head games with me over the years and handled my disorder inappropriately. As Dr. Madigan explained, it's hard to find fault with your parents when you've deified them for a long time, and she said it will be a long time until I can honestly come to grips with that.
Part of the surrounding issue is that I'm also highly judgemental of myself. As the doc put it, I judge myself on everything (and harshly) so that no matter what people may say about me, I can be prepared for it. This is something likely born out of being bullied at a young age. If you fit in and no one notices you, you won't get the crap kicked out of you. That was a hard one to accept. I guess I am my own harshest critic.
The doc loved hearing about you, too. She was amazed at how, despite our genetic similarities, your situation enstilled you with so much courage. I can't honestly say I could've have done what you did. You're a pretty tough chick. ;-)
So it's a little emotionally exhausting but I'm working through a lifetime of hidden thoughts, it's to be expected I suppose. :-) On the whole, life is good. I still have work to do, but I've always been okay with paying my dues. :-)
Love and Hugs to you lil' sis!
Megs (and Craig)
PS - We have steak in the freezer, pulled beef in the fridge and fresh fish and chips. Don't worry, I'm eating... just not huge portions and I'm trying to avoid my coke addiction (THE DRINK!) which in and of itself is terrible for me (10 tsp of sugar in a can?!). I'm healthy and with how often I see doctors I'm sure they'll let me know!
PPS - My doc wants me to start on the generic version of selexa which causes weight gain so even with the working out and diet, things may change! :-P
Meg and Beth, December 2008
Friday, January 18, 2008
Did anyone get the license plate of that truck?
So I saw Dr. Madigan today. She said a lot of good things and I did a lot of crying and she was disgusted by the 'scissor' necklace charm I got for Christmas... which, for some reason, also upset me. (Wild, that.)
Hey, one thing I've been promising is to be extremely open!
I was asked today, if I had my mother in a room and I could say ANYTHING I wanted, and she could NEVER repeat it to anyone, what would I say?
I thought a long time, started crying and said, "I'd probably rip this damn scissor-symbolism necklace off, throw it in her face and walk out. I'm too angry to say anything productive.
For the record, I was told NOT to do this in real life as that's kinda rude. However I was also told it's okay to angry at her. She's been a controlling, manipulative, passive-aggressive Mom. That doesn't mean she MEANT to do it. It just kinda happened, and like I said, with the family history, it was likely only a matter of time.
It's so funny that after being SO upset by how Craig's family acted during Christmas in 2006, I've come to see them as a highly functioning, open bunch. They just scream, take a nap and apologize later. I didn't get it at first, but after this year - I GET IT! No talking behind people's backs and little vendettas and competition over how big the gifts are for the kids...
Example: Oh, well, if Kathy gives each of our kids $40 each, then we should give Megan something that adds to the same amount - DID ANYONE ACTUALLY SAY THIS, OR WAS THIS JUST MADE UP BY MY MOM?
Christmas this year was so tame. Granted everyone was hungover and I was REALLY not in the Christmas spirit (and heavily sedated), but it was so organic it was hard not to have a great time. Plus I love all the siblings around. Crazy.
Anyway, the bottom line is, I believe my mother to be a passive-aggressive person hell-bent on keeping me closer than is possible. She used my disorder as an excuse to put all the weight on me rather than just saying, "I don't think you're ready to get married".
Are you mortified [for her] yet? You damn well should be.
I'm mailing her the necklace back. Whether or not it was from the One of a Kind 2006 or 2007 is irrelevant. It was a stupid and inexcusable gift given the circumstances.
So, that's it for now - the intensive twice per week sessions start next week. Soon I'll be dying to work just so I don't have to go to therapy!
Also, I'm not supposed to analyze Mom and her actions and how they relate to me anymore. Observe, take notes, but don't analyze. :-/ ...Dr. Madigan thinks I can't do that yet. I'll try though.
Hey, one thing I've been promising is to be extremely open!
I was asked today, if I had my mother in a room and I could say ANYTHING I wanted, and she could NEVER repeat it to anyone, what would I say?
I thought a long time, started crying and said, "I'd probably rip this damn scissor-symbolism necklace off, throw it in her face and walk out. I'm too angry to say anything productive.
For the record, I was told NOT to do this in real life as that's kinda rude. However I was also told it's okay to angry at her. She's been a controlling, manipulative, passive-aggressive Mom. That doesn't mean she MEANT to do it. It just kinda happened, and like I said, with the family history, it was likely only a matter of time.
It's so funny that after being SO upset by how Craig's family acted during Christmas in 2006, I've come to see them as a highly functioning, open bunch. They just scream, take a nap and apologize later. I didn't get it at first, but after this year - I GET IT! No talking behind people's backs and little vendettas and competition over how big the gifts are for the kids...
Example: Oh, well, if Kathy gives each of our kids $40 each, then we should give Megan something that adds to the same amount - DID ANYONE ACTUALLY SAY THIS, OR WAS THIS JUST MADE UP BY MY MOM?
Christmas this year was so tame. Granted everyone was hungover and I was REALLY not in the Christmas spirit (and heavily sedated), but it was so organic it was hard not to have a great time. Plus I love all the siblings around. Crazy.
Anyway, the bottom line is, I believe my mother to be a passive-aggressive person hell-bent on keeping me closer than is possible. She used my disorder as an excuse to put all the weight on me rather than just saying, "I don't think you're ready to get married".
Are you mortified [for her] yet? You damn well should be.
I'm mailing her the necklace back. Whether or not it was from the One of a Kind 2006 or 2007 is irrelevant. It was a stupid and inexcusable gift given the circumstances.
So, that's it for now - the intensive twice per week sessions start next week. Soon I'll be dying to work just so I don't have to go to therapy!
Also, I'm not supposed to analyze Mom and her actions and how they relate to me anymore. Observe, take notes, but don't analyze. :-/ ...Dr. Madigan thinks I can't do that yet. I'll try though.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
The Story of an Openly Broken Girl
Okay... so, remember I was promising that insight, yesterday? Well, it took a week and 3 songs and A LOT of time learning how to use Microsoft Movie Maker, but I did it. The story of the openly broken girl is out on my YouTube account for all to see (see 'the video bar', bottom right or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mi4J0bW65zc).
By breaking away from the family (as hard as it has been), I've been able to be me. Perhaps that's part of my problem. I was raised to be SO conscious of what others thought of me, my endevours, my shape, my etiquette... coupled with my genetic propensity for anxiety (still got my verbosity), it was likely only a matter of time before there was a meltdown.
The problem lays with mostly with me and I'm very aware of that. However, there is a ribbon of denial, gossip and resentment that runs through so many in my family (and even some of my friends), that I simply can't deal with after all of this.
Meds screwing with my brain chemistry, money woes because I'm not allowed to work, emotional stress from "dealing" with these issues, it all adds up and the one person I would normally trust, I've come to see as my abuser. I find myself crying and wishing that Dad was here. Even typing this, my hands have started to shake.
No "gets it", except maybe my youngest cousin Kimmy and she's just coming to a stage (13, I think) where she needs stable people around her. Not to mention the family has made it clear where they stand.
Things like this are private. Family matters shouldn't be publicized, lest someone actually see me for who I am.
You're depressed?
Try smiling!
You're anxious?
Try drugs!
You're broke?
Beg to the family coffers!
*smacks head*
I give up guys. I do. I'm sorry for the hurt she must feel. I am, it kills me - but this is about preservation of self. I need to watch out for that more than anything right now. Lest I down my pills and take an extended nap.
Love to those who love.
By breaking away from the family (as hard as it has been), I've been able to be me. Perhaps that's part of my problem. I was raised to be SO conscious of what others thought of me, my endevours, my shape, my etiquette... coupled with my genetic propensity for anxiety (still got my verbosity), it was likely only a matter of time before there was a meltdown.
The problem lays with mostly with me and I'm very aware of that. However, there is a ribbon of denial, gossip and resentment that runs through so many in my family (and even some of my friends), that I simply can't deal with after all of this.
Meds screwing with my brain chemistry, money woes because I'm not allowed to work, emotional stress from "dealing" with these issues, it all adds up and the one person I would normally trust, I've come to see as my abuser. I find myself crying and wishing that Dad was here. Even typing this, my hands have started to shake.
No "gets it", except maybe my youngest cousin Kimmy and she's just coming to a stage (13, I think) where she needs stable people around her. Not to mention the family has made it clear where they stand.
Things like this are private. Family matters shouldn't be publicized, lest someone actually see me for who I am.
You're depressed?
Try smiling!
You're anxious?
Try drugs!
You're broke?
Beg to the family coffers!
*smacks head*
I give up guys. I do. I'm sorry for the hurt she must feel. I am, it kills me - but this is about preservation of self. I need to watch out for that more than anything right now. Lest I down my pills and take an extended nap.
Love to those who love.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Beaten up feelin'.
My knee won't stop aching, I'm fairly sure I bruised my hip when I fell and my whole body hurts from hitting the ground under the strain of 3, 100lb dogs. I do love the puppies though. :-)
Ryan Malcolm of Canadian Idol fame sent out a reminder about his new group's show in Toronto at Diesel later this month. Craig and I will be second row centre for Low Level Flight... Edwin is playing too so it should be a good show... and not too bad for $15 bucks plus a $2 internet fee ($34 for both of us). I also have a small crush on Ryan Malcolm (and his voice) so being able to see him live will be awesome.
*daydreams*
I wanna sing Say on stage with him...and email the video to my Mom.
Craig and I are just really happy to be able to have something fun to do. Moping around only gets you so far.
...Ouch, I hope the dog can wait to get walked til Craig gets home. He's just too much strain on my knee.
Now... off to daydream some more...
Ryan Malcolm of Canadian Idol fame sent out a reminder about his new group's show in Toronto at Diesel later this month. Craig and I will be second row centre for Low Level Flight... Edwin is playing too so it should be a good show... and not too bad for $15 bucks plus a $2 internet fee ($34 for both of us). I also have a small crush on Ryan Malcolm (and his voice) so being able to see him live will be awesome.
*daydreams*
I wanna sing Say on stage with him...and email the video to my Mom.
Craig and I are just really happy to be able to have something fun to do. Moping around only gets you so far.
...Ouch, I hope the dog can wait to get walked til Craig gets home. He's just too much strain on my knee.
Now... off to daydream some more...
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha... Wipe Out!
Well, for the first time in over two years my knee blew out today. Catastrophic dislocation if I've ever had one.
Granted, it was no fault of my own... Our dogs were playing (see pictured group) and a group of 3 large, muscled pups (including my own) barrelled me over like a bowling pin! There I was sitting in goodness knows what (the ground has thawed and is quite mucky), fighting the urge to cry while three men looked on in total shock. I've gotten knocked over before... lots actually. But this time I wasn't getting up. I had to reset my knee before standing and get back inside - thankfully some ice packs have taken the pain away... okay, ice and some Naproxen.
Aries, Pablo, Tank and Conall (Aries had nothing to do with it!!!) :-)
I responded to an email from the wedding planner today. Turns out he hadn't heard anything from Mom and she never contacted him about cancelling. I'm just so over it now. It's just nuts this is still going on.And, speaking of nuts... (nice transition, no?) ...my meeting with Dr. Madigan was less than encouraging. She wants to see me twice a week (despite the fact, she'd told me her practice was full), and doesn't think I'm capable of returning to work. For the the next month, perhaps longer; even though working is "integral to my recovery". She wants to change my meds and therapy intensity, which tells me I'm worse off than Dr. Philp (my fantastic G.P.), thought I was. Clinically speaking, I'm disabled.
...and the knee, now, too! This is karmic retribution for something!
So I'll be taking some new regimen of brain-hormone changing drugs and hope that the advice she lends me helps. As she has said, a big part of this is "letting myself, hear myself talk". I used to run my mouth all the time... it'll be interesting to get back at that.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Sometimes you just have to ask...
I forgot to mention Conall loves his bed...
---------------------------------------------------------
Hey Mom,
Well, I have to admit, I'm exhausted after a long day of running around.
Craig and I were able to use Gary and Freya's giftcard to buy a storage shelf for above our toilet. We'd been talking about getting one, but as you can imagine, it wasn't a possibility. I attached a picture (I have a feeling I've misplaced Freya's email address again). Please send our thanks!
We also went to get Conall more treats as he was hobbling once again this morning. It turned out to be rock saltstuck in his paw. I don't know why they use he darn stuff with so many dogs around... but that's another rant.
Marylou's soaps (and lip glosses) are actually just what I needed as I've been taking more baths to destress myself. And now with the storage cabinet, I have an accessible place to put them all!
The Cuisinart is awesome, although we still have to re-evaluate what appliances get priority on the counter. ...Our next purchase is a rolling pantry for that very reason.
The jewelery box is something I've needed for a long time, so thank you... but the card and the scissors were a little weird.
Was there something more I there that I was supposed to read into?
Anyway, all and all, thanks for a nice visit, albeit brief.
Love you,
Megs
---------------------------------------------------------
Hey Mom,
Well, I have to admit, I'm exhausted after a long day of running around.
Craig and I were able to use Gary and Freya's giftcard to buy a storage shelf for above our toilet. We'd been talking about getting one, but as you can imagine, it wasn't a possibility. I attached a picture (I have a feeling I've misplaced Freya's email address again). Please send our thanks!
We also went to get Conall more treats as he was hobbling once again this morning. It turned out to be rock saltstuck in his paw. I don't know why they use he darn stuff with so many dogs around... but that's another rant.
Marylou's soaps (and lip glosses) are actually just what I needed as I've been taking more baths to destress myself. And now with the storage cabinet, I have an accessible place to put them all!
The Cuisinart is awesome, although we still have to re-evaluate what appliances get priority on the counter. ...Our next purchase is a rolling pantry for that very reason.
The jewelery box is something I've needed for a long time, so thank you... but the card and the scissors were a little weird.
Was there something more I there that I was supposed to read into?
Anyway, all and all, thanks for a nice visit, albeit brief.
Love you,
Megs
...I just don't get it...
...have you ever seen that episode of South Park where Token (the only black character) and Stan are in a fight because Stan's father used the "N" word on national TV? I looked for a clip as illustration to no avail... and they say you can find anything on the internet! :-P
Well, Stan tried to make amends with Token over and over in the episode, only to be met with CONSTANT and vehement refusal. But as the episode draws to a close, you see Stan running to Token screaming, "Token, I don't get it!!! I don't get it!!!".
Token's response after a long pause?
A smile, a wink, a knowing point "Now you get it, man."
That's kind of how I feel right about now. I just don't get it.
I don't understand why Aunt Jo flipped her wig on me for some comments I made to Matthew. I don't get why the family pushes closer when I asked for space. I don't get why Mom did what she did when she did. I don't get why people are ashamed of things that are common fact. As I said to Craig today, embracing my flaws is the most empowering thing I'd ever done - and it was one of the scariest to begin with. I don't get why we'd pretend everything was okay if she's mad at me for something... I don't get why she acts like she doesn't care.
"I DON'T GET IT!!!"
I DON'T GET IT. ...So, in a way, I kinda get it.
None of it matters, anyway. I'm living in a different place than the majority my family now. And I just have to accept it's okay... Like a vegan who has friends who wear leather coats. Suck it up.
I'm being me. That's the best I can do for now. I won't hide things that make me who I am.
Monday, December 24, 2007
What I wanted to say to mother...
"Merry Christmas, I miss you" seems too open to intrpretation. But my shrinks say that's all I can say via email.
I'm glad I'm away from you and the family. I think when Dad died, the balance between us shifted somehow, and somehow that wasn't good or appropriate.
My personality and yours shouldn't be together. Not because either of us is bad, but the combination of my anxieties with your need to control everything could never have had a good outcome.
I have not a single present under the tree.
And I'm still happy for where my life is. I have so much honest love in my life it astounds me.
It just saddens me that I've lost my trust for you and your family. It started back when my virginity story was broadcast like a fucking soap opera across the aunts and uncles network...
Then I was made to feel ashamed about my personal socializing choices. The parties I went to, and the outfits I wore - even though you have printed pages of smut describing more edgy things than I ever did, just sitting in your night stand... well, they were then, anyway. So I was made out to be a sicko, while you WERE a sicko - just behind closed doors. Hypocrite!
So as a teen I had to disguise myself to your family. I'm sorry but the whole family is about appearances. And I am at a point in my life I don't want apppearance, I want some honest content!
Then Dad was dying - and you treated me like a grown up... which at the time may have seemed right, but I was a little girl who was losing her Dad. I didn't want to give him more morphine to "help him along" or watch him at home everyday... but there he was. Until he wasn't.
And when he died I wanted to cry with you, but you always try to stop yourself, or say we're being "silly", "maudlin" or you've just had too much wine... why can't we just be sad for losing him?
So I reached for Chris. It's a dead story so I won't beat it to death. If I saw him today, I'd beat the crap out of him, but he helped me at a time you didn't. He was someone to tell stories and cry with. That was 90% of all we did. His mom this and my Dad that until we were either laughing or crying or both.
We did get pregnant together, and I had the abortion only because I didn't want HIM to have a child (he said he would take me to court if I tried to adopt it to someone)... The experience was horrid, painful beyond words, scary and yet he was there - and took care of me when I had to twice be rushed to hospital because of internal bleeding and he never left my side.
Credit where it's due, right?
Then, school... that was almost alright cause I had something to focus on and you were never around. That's probably the best we've ever got along... but I was also excelling at what you wanted me to do - so why would you be upset?
The whole Dr. Ed thing still makes my skin crawl. Do I know that I took money, yes. I get it - that was beyond bad, awful, evil, out of line for even a cent. But you and your family gave up on me and treated me as a criminal. ALL of it was all a cry for help from years of shit stacking up... and you and your family act disgusted around me.
Maybe that's where I started to give up on you.
Beth showed up and everyone... freezes. Suddenly the fact I'm "not yours" seems real to everyone. I love my baby sister with everything I am, but no one in your family could recognize they all started treating me differently. This isn't just me talking, but Craig, too.
I'm done with my acting. I'm a book so open, pages sometimes fly off in the wind.
God, I just feel like you really don't care. You didn't want me, Mom. You didn't want to be pregnant, you didn't want to stay home with a child, you wanted to LOOK like a successful all-rounded woman. And you did for a lot of years. You were more excited at the THOUGHT of having a child come to you, than when you held me the first time. You've said it youself. Seriously, think about it - that's kind of messed up.
I'm pretty sure you said you were sorry about "postponing" the wedding so you could have it under YOUR conditions - but I don't think I ever saw it or let it sink in.
I still have the belief that you knew what you were doing by postponing the wedding and because of that I can't forgive you.
You were my Mom and you should have know me well-enough to know what you were up to would KILL ME INSIDE. Unless you really are just dumb and as a child I've over-estimated you.
Anything is possible.
The worst thing is Craig has to see me cry everyday over my own mother's actions.
That's just fucking sick to me, and angering as hell for him.
I'm glad I'm away from you and the family. I think when Dad died, the balance between us shifted somehow, and somehow that wasn't good or appropriate.
My personality and yours shouldn't be together. Not because either of us is bad, but the combination of my anxieties with your need to control everything could never have had a good outcome.
I have not a single present under the tree.
And I'm still happy for where my life is. I have so much honest love in my life it astounds me.
It just saddens me that I've lost my trust for you and your family. It started back when my virginity story was broadcast like a fucking soap opera across the aunts and uncles network...
Then I was made to feel ashamed about my personal socializing choices. The parties I went to, and the outfits I wore - even though you have printed pages of smut describing more edgy things than I ever did, just sitting in your night stand... well, they were then, anyway. So I was made out to be a sicko, while you WERE a sicko - just behind closed doors. Hypocrite!
So as a teen I had to disguise myself to your family. I'm sorry but the whole family is about appearances. And I am at a point in my life I don't want apppearance, I want some honest content!
Then Dad was dying - and you treated me like a grown up... which at the time may have seemed right, but I was a little girl who was losing her Dad. I didn't want to give him more morphine to "help him along" or watch him at home everyday... but there he was. Until he wasn't.
And when he died I wanted to cry with you, but you always try to stop yourself, or say we're being "silly", "maudlin" or you've just had too much wine... why can't we just be sad for losing him?
So I reached for Chris. It's a dead story so I won't beat it to death. If I saw him today, I'd beat the crap out of him, but he helped me at a time you didn't. He was someone to tell stories and cry with. That was 90% of all we did. His mom this and my Dad that until we were either laughing or crying or both.
We did get pregnant together, and I had the abortion only because I didn't want HIM to have a child (he said he would take me to court if I tried to adopt it to someone)... The experience was horrid, painful beyond words, scary and yet he was there - and took care of me when I had to twice be rushed to hospital because of internal bleeding and he never left my side.
Credit where it's due, right?
Then, school... that was almost alright cause I had something to focus on and you were never around. That's probably the best we've ever got along... but I was also excelling at what you wanted me to do - so why would you be upset?
The whole Dr. Ed thing still makes my skin crawl. Do I know that I took money, yes. I get it - that was beyond bad, awful, evil, out of line for even a cent. But you and your family gave up on me and treated me as a criminal. ALL of it was all a cry for help from years of shit stacking up... and you and your family act disgusted around me.
Maybe that's where I started to give up on you.
Beth showed up and everyone... freezes. Suddenly the fact I'm "not yours" seems real to everyone. I love my baby sister with everything I am, but no one in your family could recognize they all started treating me differently. This isn't just me talking, but Craig, too.
I'm done with my acting. I'm a book so open, pages sometimes fly off in the wind.
God, I just feel like you really don't care. You didn't want me, Mom. You didn't want to be pregnant, you didn't want to stay home with a child, you wanted to LOOK like a successful all-rounded woman. And you did for a lot of years. You were more excited at the THOUGHT of having a child come to you, than when you held me the first time. You've said it youself. Seriously, think about it - that's kind of messed up.
I'm pretty sure you said you were sorry about "postponing" the wedding so you could have it under YOUR conditions - but I don't think I ever saw it or let it sink in.
I still have the belief that you knew what you were doing by postponing the wedding and because of that I can't forgive you.
You were my Mom and you should have know me well-enough to know what you were up to would KILL ME INSIDE. Unless you really are just dumb and as a child I've over-estimated you.
Anything is possible.
The worst thing is Craig has to see me cry everyday over my own mother's actions.
That's just fucking sick to me, and angering as hell for him.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Fait accompli...
I don't care today...
Not that I want to see people hurt, or that I'm jaded.
I just know my own pain so well now, I'm not going to apologize for it or be embarassed about it.
If those around me want to be embarassed - that's fine.
Don't be around me, I'm making it easy on all of you.
"Who does Megan love?" mom would ask...
"Myself, because until I love me, I can't love anyone else"
Wisdom that I was NEVER allowed to live by.
Well, check this out: I'm gonna go cry for a second, walk my dog, vacuum the downstairs and dust... and I'm going to love every second... not just ME, but my choices, my breaths, random thoughts...
Every second I think about Mom on her own, Joanne being angry over innocent comments, my family being worried, not having a job or being scared about the myriad of reasons I have - I just drink it all it in... and remember that above all:
I am me.
Everyone else can LOVE it like I do, or leave it.
Not that I want to see people hurt, or that I'm jaded.
I just know my own pain so well now, I'm not going to apologize for it or be embarassed about it.
If those around me want to be embarassed - that's fine.
Don't be around me, I'm making it easy on all of you.
"Who does Megan love?" mom would ask...
"Myself, because until I love me, I can't love anyone else"
Wisdom that I was NEVER allowed to live by.
Well, check this out: I'm gonna go cry for a second, walk my dog, vacuum the downstairs and dust... and I'm going to love every second... not just ME, but my choices, my breaths, random thoughts...
Every second I think about Mom on her own, Joanne being angry over innocent comments, my family being worried, not having a job or being scared about the myriad of reasons I have - I just drink it all it in... and remember that above all:
I am me.
Everyone else can LOVE it like I do, or leave it.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Low Level Flight Lyrics: Say... from Album: Urgency
I awoke today
And I feel the same
As I did last night
The same old fight
As we had before.
If you're feeling
No more healing,
I'll be leaving
Out the door!!!
And I'll SAY
That you're not the one
And I'll turn my back
(if you promise that you'll)
SAY there's nothing left ,
That there is no trust between us.
And I'll SAY that you're not the one
And I'll SAY this love is gone
And I'll SAY I won't miss you.
All a-blur
Of useless words
It's so cold inside
And i can't find what we had before.
No believing,
No more meaning,
I'm not waiting
Anymore.
And I'll SAY
That you're not the one
And I'll turn my back
(if you promise that you'll)
SAY there's nothing left ,
That there is no trust between us.
And I'll SAY that you're not the one
And I'll SAY this love is gone
And I'll SAY I won't miss you.
Don't ever tell me you love me.
Don't ever tell me you need me.
And I'll SAY
That you're not the one
And I'll turn my back
(if you promise that you'll)
SAY there is nothing left ,
That there is no trust between us.
And I'll SAY that you're not the one
And I'll SAY this love is gone
And I'll SAY I won't miss you.
And I feel the same
As I did last night
The same old fight
As we had before.
If you're feeling
No more healing,
I'll be leaving
Out the door!!!
And I'll SAY
That you're not the one
And I'll turn my back
(if you promise that you'll)
SAY there's nothing left ,
That there is no trust between us.
And I'll SAY that you're not the one
And I'll SAY this love is gone
And I'll SAY I won't miss you.
All a-blur
Of useless words
It's so cold inside
And i can't find what we had before.
No believing,
No more meaning,
I'm not waiting
Anymore.
And I'll SAY
That you're not the one
And I'll turn my back
(if you promise that you'll)
SAY there's nothing left ,
That there is no trust between us.
And I'll SAY that you're not the one
And I'll SAY this love is gone
And I'll SAY I won't miss you.
Don't ever tell me you love me.
Don't ever tell me you need me.
And I'll SAY
That you're not the one
And I'll turn my back
(if you promise that you'll)
SAY there is nothing left ,
That there is no trust between us.
And I'll SAY that you're not the one
And I'll SAY this love is gone
And I'll SAY I won't miss you.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Serve, Point, Match.
Hi Megan,
I guess I will have to get Slice so I can see your TV debut. Sounds quite exciting.
I am having Gary, Freya, Mary Lou, David and hopefully Charles for brunch on the 23rd. You and Craig are of course invited and always welcome. Jason, Mel and the baby aren't going to be able to making it down during the holidays.
I haven't gone to your web diary. I just can't take any more written accusations right now.
The tree is up and partially decorated but the spirit of the holidays is missing.
Mom fell again tonight but luckily we placed a mattress on the floor beside her bed before we left today so she was unharmed. I don't know what's up with Nan lately. She also got up on the edge of her bed first thing this morning calling out "hello, hello".
Take care,
Love,
Mom
**********************************************************
RESPONSE NEVER SENT:
Since I stopped talking to you, the only time I cry is when I get emails from you...
Nan is functioning on a different level of reasoning. My guess would be she is agitated by the energy you're bringing into the room. Or maybe she just finally gets that she got screwed the day you moved her. I dunno, it's just another thing to break my heart...
I have a feeling I may not come home from my doctors appointment tomorrow. Some of the things I tell my doc may have her nervous enough to committ me... Don't worry little cyber-people, I'm not suicidal, but I have moments where rage, or sadness gets run of my whole body... and it happens so often as of late... I wish for everyone's sake they could just lock me away for a while.
Let Craig have a fun life for a while without "Little Miss Bring-Down", let my Mom see that years of torment do add up and give myself time to really appreciate my friends who are the only ones who have stood by me like no others did. It's all about faith.
On Dexter, my favourite show, he asks his sister (who had been raped, almost murdered, etc), how she got through the weight of all her pain, she responded:
"I dunno, you just... one day see THROUGH it. And when you do, you see who you want to be on the other side; and you cling on to that thought as hard as you can - fucking everything and everyone that might get in your way until you are that vision, you know?"
Fuck, I wish I did, but it sounded real nice.
I guess I will have to get Slice so I can see your TV debut. Sounds quite exciting.
I am having Gary, Freya, Mary Lou, David and hopefully Charles for brunch on the 23rd. You and Craig are of course invited and always welcome. Jason, Mel and the baby aren't going to be able to making it down during the holidays.
I haven't gone to your web diary. I just can't take any more written accusations right now.
The tree is up and partially decorated but the spirit of the holidays is missing.
Mom fell again tonight but luckily we placed a mattress on the floor beside her bed before we left today so she was unharmed. I don't know what's up with Nan lately. She also got up on the edge of her bed first thing this morning calling out "hello, hello".
Take care,
Love,
Mom
**********************************************************
RESPONSE NEVER SENT:
Since I stopped talking to you, the only time I cry is when I get emails from you...
Nan is functioning on a different level of reasoning. My guess would be she is agitated by the energy you're bringing into the room. Or maybe she just finally gets that she got screwed the day you moved her. I dunno, it's just another thing to break my heart...
I have a feeling I may not come home from my doctors appointment tomorrow. Some of the things I tell my doc may have her nervous enough to committ me... Don't worry little cyber-people, I'm not suicidal, but I have moments where rage, or sadness gets run of my whole body... and it happens so often as of late... I wish for everyone's sake they could just lock me away for a while.
Let Craig have a fun life for a while without "Little Miss Bring-Down", let my Mom see that years of torment do add up and give myself time to really appreciate my friends who are the only ones who have stood by me like no others did. It's all about faith.
On Dexter, my favourite show, he asks his sister (who had been raped, almost murdered, etc), how she got through the weight of all her pain, she responded:
"I dunno, you just... one day see THROUGH it. And when you do, you see who you want to be on the other side; and you cling on to that thought as hard as you can - fucking everything and everyone that might get in your way until you are that vision, you know?"
Fuck, I wish I did, but it sounded real nice.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Mom's Retort
Megs,
Well I guess you and I are at cross purposes on a lot of very importantthings and for that I am sorry and very saddened. I will try and respond point by point but as usual it won't be in the same logical order as you have made your feelings known.
I am sorry you feel excluded and not included about things/issuesthat are going on with me. It's not done intentionally it's more by habit or attrition I guess as time has gone on and what I often perceive as your lack of interest. You become absorbed in your own life which you should be and I do understand that. I am in a word lonely a lot of the time without your Dad and have been making a concerted effort to fill my days better. So I am working two nights a week helping Somali Muslim children with their homework through Frontier College as I mentioned. I go five mornings a week to spend time with your Nan and all day Sunday .... which I admit can be a bit much at times as she's no great conversationalist. I am sorry if I didn't listen better to youasking to visit. At one point you told me you couldn't go to a place like that and you did tell me last time we met that maybe you could arrange to visit at another time. I guess I thought you would have mademore of an effort because you love me...not really because of Nan because as we all know she doesn't know who the hell any of are so it'swasn't particularly for her. And I guess that hurt me. I didn't wantit to be a forced obligation visit...if you know what I mean. I guess I was waiting to have you call and say how bout you pick me up and I'llgo with you today. or Hey Mom I thought I just pop in for a visit to see you today without having any real purpose. But as I read your e-mail, I obviously don't make it easy or enticing for you to do so andthat breaks my heart.
I do stuff with Joanne and had by the way the most horrendous weekend at the cottage .... Jo and one of her oldest friends are now no longer speaking. As another aside Jo didn't write that note related to the wedding in particular. When I called her about her e-mail to you she didn't know what I was talking about. She said she asked you to work the manulife show and was referring to you having a tough time of late... no more than that. She said she had no idea whether i was really going to do anything about the wedding or not. Also I didn't discuss this with my siblings or anyone else. And Megan I asked to meet with you and Craig today Sunday but you told me it was his only day off and Monday was no good etc. I wanted to meet with both of you face to face not over the telephone. That's all....because what I wanted to say affected both of you and you both had the right to react.
1. Believe it or not I do have faith in you and will have to choose mywords more carefully. You are bright, funny, caring, intense, interesting, articulate, lovable, a cornucopia of many more wonderful traits. And I believe you don't always believe in what you are capable of or how wonderful you are and how proud I am of you and apparently that is also my doing. I think, and this is my opinion, that you sometimes bring a lot of preconceived notions into what I say ... and hear stuff that I haven't actually said or have meant. I know you feelI am too judgmental and critical and I obviously have to do a way better job in that area. My parents were like that and I hated it too.Believe or not I have been trying but often you say I say things I haven't said so it can be very frustrating for me. A damned if you do and damned if you don't scenario. But keep calling me on it and unlike an old dog I can learn, in this case, to be more demonstrative and a better listener. Unlike me, you have always been a toucher and a hugger and I love and envy that about you!
2. I will always love you and have felt bonded with you since the moment I held you in my arms. You're my kid period. If you have to question that or think I'm questioning that it's like being punched in the gut or feeling betrayed if you will. Probably much the same feeling you had when I put the wedding on hold....not cancelled it. And yes on the phone I thought you sounded a lot better more even keeled, interested in things more etc. And then I literally pulled therug out from under you. Make me feel great about myself..,or proud... or happy...no!
3. I have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING against Craig in any way. If either of you feel that way I'm at a complete loss. What have I done or said to make you believe this? He asked for your hand and I gladly agreed. I haven't changed my opinion that he is the right mate for you. He's a great all round guy who unreservedly loves you and is committed to you.Who wouldn't like him or want him for a son-in-law. Now, imagine forsecond, if you had come to me and said Mom I want to marry this great guy that I love who is having emotional problems and can't work and it's tough going on me to make it month to month... would I not have been as concerned and worried as I am right now? Does that make any sense to you or have I completely lost it in your eyes when I play rolereversal?
4. You have said I have cancelled the wedding and I said it was on holdfor the time being. Are you saying you have no faith in yourself that you can put time and effort into getting better? I believed in my heart that you were going to be quite happy spending the next ten months focussing on wedding stuff and avoid or delay getting on with the day to day stuff of living. Is this again where I am displaying a lack of faith in you to you?Getting back on your feet again first was to me the most important thing for your happiness together. Is that so wrong as a parent to feel that way? We can pull a wedding together in short order. I don't care about the down payment one way or the other. You read far too much into my line. It's more s-o-o-o I could possibly lose 2 thousand...big deal. I believe there is a bigger issue at stake here as you know. And yes I realize that you can get married tomorrow if you decide to. For me it's never been a case of whether you are right for each other, I believe you are, but whether or not it's the right time. And I also understand that you strongly disagree with me.
5. Ahhh, Money. The root of all evil. I don't care about it... I don't care if you don't have tons... or ever have tons as long as you have enough to have a roof over your head, put food on the table and feed the critters. Is that unreasonable? This diamond that I apparently flash around is being taken permanently off the table. I hear you loud and clear. No more offers as you requested. I guess I felt that you really only see me when you want something from me. Not because you are materialistic...I have never thought that...but as you said because you were broke or in trouble. See how we are at cross purposes. So I used it as a connection. And yes I don't mind helping out. You're my daughter. Whatever I have will be yours someday anyway.I didn't think of it as charity but more what families do... we help each other. Like Craig helping (okay doing the lion share of work) on the porch, helping hang pictures etc. To me that kind of help is priceless and I will never forget it. Why? Because he didn't have to do it. I don't have to give you money. I did it to help and because I love you. And yes I also want you to be self-sufficient at the same time.
6. I'm sorry you feel my brothers and sisters are money grubbing capitalists with skewed values. I love them one and all. At no time in my conversation with you on the phone or my e-mail do I believe I ever said anything about how your aunts and uncles feel about you...so I can't answer that because nobody has said to me any of the things you mentioned to me. (After your dad died maybe but not now!) As a matter of fact they ask questions like it must be such an adjustment and traumatic for Megan meeting her sister, contacting her birth family etcand ask how you are coping with it all etc....I am shocked and they would be too to hear that any of us treat you differently since meeting or hearing about Beth. I thought Beth was lovely and couldn't be happier for you that she is part of your life. What have I said or done or not said or done that makes you feel differently?
Your aunts and uncles can't wait to meet Beth or anyone else in your birth family and think it's great you have a natural brother and sister. I swear it . Cross my heart and hope to die. And...they all like Craig very much and look forward to seeing both of you. I don't know where this is coming from other than my brother Jim can be a jerk sometimes and take it upon himself to make unsolicited comments. Jim is clueless. He told everyone that Megan and Kathy were bonding all weekend at the cottage and had a great time together! See what I mean.
You have often told me that you feel they sit in judgement on you and I can't change how you feel about that because perception is reality. Why not confront them about it? And yes with Craig you have seen more of the family...which everyone has thought was great. They like seeing you...both of you...is that so terrible?
7. And yes I signed the contract as you correctly stated. To be honest I didn't want to be the bad guy in all this and I didn't want to reach the stage we are currently at with you hating me. Lately I've had a lot of graveside chats with your Dad over this as I felt the same way as when you couldn't go to school in Grade 9. Funnily enough then you told me if I can only work Mom instead of going to school. I'm good at working. And I said what would happen the first time your boss said you didn't do a good job and yelled at you. Your answer was I'd have to go home. At that time your Dad and I did whatever it took to help you get back to school and face your fears and anxieties. I feel the same way about this.
And as I re-read your e-mail again to make sure I covered all areas, I'd just like to say as much as you hate hating me I will always love loving you.
Love,
Mom
__________________________________
IN RETROSPECT: More of the same old horse shit. And she thought my grandma was good at backhanded compliments. It was her job to reach out to me... how else am I to know? Frankly, my life has been simpler (now Jan 2008) not having to worry about them. It's not like they were making me feel better while I've been broke and feeling like crap when I WAS in contact with them. Quite the contrary. I can't depend on them and they crush me mentally, so why should I bother? ...I just wish the catholic guilt wasn't so strong. Even then I read back and see, "This diamond that I apparently flash around is being taken permanently off the table. I hear you loud and clear. No more offers as you requested. I guess I felt that you really only see me when you want something from me. Not because you are materialistic...I have never thought that...but as you said because you were broke or in trouble." Wow.
Well I guess you and I are at cross purposes on a lot of very importantthings and for that I am sorry and very saddened. I will try and respond point by point but as usual it won't be in the same logical order as you have made your feelings known.
I am sorry you feel excluded and not included about things/issuesthat are going on with me. It's not done intentionally it's more by habit or attrition I guess as time has gone on and what I often perceive as your lack of interest. You become absorbed in your own life which you should be and I do understand that. I am in a word lonely a lot of the time without your Dad and have been making a concerted effort to fill my days better. So I am working two nights a week helping Somali Muslim children with their homework through Frontier College as I mentioned. I go five mornings a week to spend time with your Nan and all day Sunday .... which I admit can be a bit much at times as she's no great conversationalist. I am sorry if I didn't listen better to youasking to visit. At one point you told me you couldn't go to a place like that and you did tell me last time we met that maybe you could arrange to visit at another time. I guess I thought you would have mademore of an effort because you love me...not really because of Nan because as we all know she doesn't know who the hell any of are so it'swasn't particularly for her. And I guess that hurt me. I didn't wantit to be a forced obligation visit...if you know what I mean. I guess I was waiting to have you call and say how bout you pick me up and I'llgo with you today. or Hey Mom I thought I just pop in for a visit to see you today without having any real purpose. But as I read your e-mail, I obviously don't make it easy or enticing for you to do so andthat breaks my heart.
I do stuff with Joanne and had by the way the most horrendous weekend at the cottage .... Jo and one of her oldest friends are now no longer speaking. As another aside Jo didn't write that note related to the wedding in particular. When I called her about her e-mail to you she didn't know what I was talking about. She said she asked you to work the manulife show and was referring to you having a tough time of late... no more than that. She said she had no idea whether i was really going to do anything about the wedding or not. Also I didn't discuss this with my siblings or anyone else. And Megan I asked to meet with you and Craig today Sunday but you told me it was his only day off and Monday was no good etc. I wanted to meet with both of you face to face not over the telephone. That's all....because what I wanted to say affected both of you and you both had the right to react.
1. Believe it or not I do have faith in you and will have to choose mywords more carefully. You are bright, funny, caring, intense, interesting, articulate, lovable, a cornucopia of many more wonderful traits. And I believe you don't always believe in what you are capable of or how wonderful you are and how proud I am of you and apparently that is also my doing. I think, and this is my opinion, that you sometimes bring a lot of preconceived notions into what I say ... and hear stuff that I haven't actually said or have meant. I know you feelI am too judgmental and critical and I obviously have to do a way better job in that area. My parents were like that and I hated it too.Believe or not I have been trying but often you say I say things I haven't said so it can be very frustrating for me. A damned if you do and damned if you don't scenario. But keep calling me on it and unlike an old dog I can learn, in this case, to be more demonstrative and a better listener. Unlike me, you have always been a toucher and a hugger and I love and envy that about you!
2. I will always love you and have felt bonded with you since the moment I held you in my arms. You're my kid period. If you have to question that or think I'm questioning that it's like being punched in the gut or feeling betrayed if you will. Probably much the same feeling you had when I put the wedding on hold....not cancelled it. And yes on the phone I thought you sounded a lot better more even keeled, interested in things more etc. And then I literally pulled therug out from under you. Make me feel great about myself..,or proud... or happy...no!
3. I have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING against Craig in any way. If either of you feel that way I'm at a complete loss. What have I done or said to make you believe this? He asked for your hand and I gladly agreed. I haven't changed my opinion that he is the right mate for you. He's a great all round guy who unreservedly loves you and is committed to you.Who wouldn't like him or want him for a son-in-law. Now, imagine forsecond, if you had come to me and said Mom I want to marry this great guy that I love who is having emotional problems and can't work and it's tough going on me to make it month to month... would I not have been as concerned and worried as I am right now? Does that make any sense to you or have I completely lost it in your eyes when I play rolereversal?
4. You have said I have cancelled the wedding and I said it was on holdfor the time being. Are you saying you have no faith in yourself that you can put time and effort into getting better? I believed in my heart that you were going to be quite happy spending the next ten months focussing on wedding stuff and avoid or delay getting on with the day to day stuff of living. Is this again where I am displaying a lack of faith in you to you?Getting back on your feet again first was to me the most important thing for your happiness together. Is that so wrong as a parent to feel that way? We can pull a wedding together in short order. I don't care about the down payment one way or the other. You read far too much into my line. It's more s-o-o-o I could possibly lose 2 thousand...big deal. I believe there is a bigger issue at stake here as you know. And yes I realize that you can get married tomorrow if you decide to. For me it's never been a case of whether you are right for each other, I believe you are, but whether or not it's the right time. And I also understand that you strongly disagree with me.
5. Ahhh, Money. The root of all evil. I don't care about it... I don't care if you don't have tons... or ever have tons as long as you have enough to have a roof over your head, put food on the table and feed the critters. Is that unreasonable? This diamond that I apparently flash around is being taken permanently off the table. I hear you loud and clear. No more offers as you requested. I guess I felt that you really only see me when you want something from me. Not because you are materialistic...I have never thought that...but as you said because you were broke or in trouble. See how we are at cross purposes. So I used it as a connection. And yes I don't mind helping out. You're my daughter. Whatever I have will be yours someday anyway.I didn't think of it as charity but more what families do... we help each other. Like Craig helping (okay doing the lion share of work) on the porch, helping hang pictures etc. To me that kind of help is priceless and I will never forget it. Why? Because he didn't have to do it. I don't have to give you money. I did it to help and because I love you. And yes I also want you to be self-sufficient at the same time.
6. I'm sorry you feel my brothers and sisters are money grubbing capitalists with skewed values. I love them one and all. At no time in my conversation with you on the phone or my e-mail do I believe I ever said anything about how your aunts and uncles feel about you...so I can't answer that because nobody has said to me any of the things you mentioned to me. (After your dad died maybe but not now!) As a matter of fact they ask questions like it must be such an adjustment and traumatic for Megan meeting her sister, contacting her birth family etcand ask how you are coping with it all etc....I am shocked and they would be too to hear that any of us treat you differently since meeting or hearing about Beth. I thought Beth was lovely and couldn't be happier for you that she is part of your life. What have I said or done or not said or done that makes you feel differently?
Your aunts and uncles can't wait to meet Beth or anyone else in your birth family and think it's great you have a natural brother and sister. I swear it . Cross my heart and hope to die. And...they all like Craig very much and look forward to seeing both of you. I don't know where this is coming from other than my brother Jim can be a jerk sometimes and take it upon himself to make unsolicited comments. Jim is clueless. He told everyone that Megan and Kathy were bonding all weekend at the cottage and had a great time together! See what I mean.
You have often told me that you feel they sit in judgement on you and I can't change how you feel about that because perception is reality. Why not confront them about it? And yes with Craig you have seen more of the family...which everyone has thought was great. They like seeing you...both of you...is that so terrible?
7. And yes I signed the contract as you correctly stated. To be honest I didn't want to be the bad guy in all this and I didn't want to reach the stage we are currently at with you hating me. Lately I've had a lot of graveside chats with your Dad over this as I felt the same way as when you couldn't go to school in Grade 9. Funnily enough then you told me if I can only work Mom instead of going to school. I'm good at working. And I said what would happen the first time your boss said you didn't do a good job and yelled at you. Your answer was I'd have to go home. At that time your Dad and I did whatever it took to help you get back to school and face your fears and anxieties. I feel the same way about this.
And as I re-read your e-mail again to make sure I covered all areas, I'd just like to say as much as you hate hating me I will always love loving you.
Love,
Mom
__________________________________
IN RETROSPECT: More of the same old horse shit. And she thought my grandma was good at backhanded compliments. It was her job to reach out to me... how else am I to know? Frankly, my life has been simpler (now Jan 2008) not having to worry about them. It's not like they were making me feel better while I've been broke and feeling like crap when I WAS in contact with them. Quite the contrary. I can't depend on them and they crush me mentally, so why should I bother? ...I just wish the catholic guilt wasn't so strong. Even then I read back and see, "This diamond that I apparently flash around is being taken permanently off the table. I hear you loud and clear. No more offers as you requested. I guess I felt that you really only see me when you want something from me. Not because you are materialistic...I have never thought that...but as you said because you were broke or in trouble." Wow.
Tuesday, June 6, 2006
24
Well... I'm almost at that magical age of 24. What a frightening proposition! LOL.
To recap the past little while, I've been working a lot and sorting through, of all things, job offers. People approaching me, while employed and asking me to come work for them for more money. I'm a little baffled and surprised... but of course am weighing my options carefully. Looks like all the hard work is finally paying off.
Craig and I are doing well too. Most of my weekends are spent up North of Barrie at his brother's place where he lives. Soaking up sun with 2 puppies (who are fully grown), and two cats, occassionally hitting the hot tub and as of this weekend the pool. I've also been building my DVD collection with Craig's help. I've learned the previously viewed section of blockbuster is second to none. :-) He's a great guy. A blast from the past, sure... but a great guy who earnestly has my best intersts at heart. Whoda thunka I'd meet a psych major who ISN'T a total mental case?!
My Mom is doing well, though my cousin (who's the tender age of 43) has moved in with her. The loss of a job, accumulating debts and a disability related to his back have left him with less than nothing. And he called on my Mom to help him. So my Mom, with her nest so recently abandoned ends up looking after her nephew. Poor Mom. She's going nuts... she was already having issues monitoring her money before this happened. Now she's also paying to feed a grown man and for his chiropractic care at my clinic (there were only so many strings I could pull). Painful. And here I am with job offers... plural. He can't get ONE. One question though: where's his Dad? My father's brother? Shouldn't HE be helping out here, rather than my widowed mother bearing the brunt of it?
Anyway, that's about it on this end of the funny farm. 1 day to my first interview while employed - ever, WHILE employed. 4 days til Jon Stewart at Casino Rama.
7 days til I turn 24...Life is grand. :-D
To recap the past little while, I've been working a lot and sorting through, of all things, job offers. People approaching me, while employed and asking me to come work for them for more money. I'm a little baffled and surprised... but of course am weighing my options carefully. Looks like all the hard work is finally paying off.
Craig and I are doing well too. Most of my weekends are spent up North of Barrie at his brother's place where he lives. Soaking up sun with 2 puppies (who are fully grown), and two cats, occassionally hitting the hot tub and as of this weekend the pool. I've also been building my DVD collection with Craig's help. I've learned the previously viewed section of blockbuster is second to none. :-) He's a great guy. A blast from the past, sure... but a great guy who earnestly has my best intersts at heart. Whoda thunka I'd meet a psych major who ISN'T a total mental case?!
My Mom is doing well, though my cousin (who's the tender age of 43) has moved in with her. The loss of a job, accumulating debts and a disability related to his back have left him with less than nothing. And he called on my Mom to help him. So my Mom, with her nest so recently abandoned ends up looking after her nephew. Poor Mom. She's going nuts... she was already having issues monitoring her money before this happened. Now she's also paying to feed a grown man and for his chiropractic care at my clinic (there were only so many strings I could pull). Painful. And here I am with job offers... plural. He can't get ONE. One question though: where's his Dad? My father's brother? Shouldn't HE be helping out here, rather than my widowed mother bearing the brunt of it?
Anyway, that's about it on this end of the funny farm. 1 day to my first interview while employed - ever, WHILE employed. 4 days til Jon Stewart at Casino Rama.
7 days til I turn 24...Life is grand. :-D
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