Me? Social?

Well, today will likely be spent running errands and tidying the house. We have a friend coming over tonight. One of Craig's old coworkers will be popping by late for beer and conversation. For some reason, having people in my home always makes me tense. Everything has to be perfect, I need to have everything my guests may need on hand.

Entirely unnecessary, especially when the person coming is a friend, yet still, there it is...

...memories of my mother yelling at my father cause Grandma was coming in an hour while blasting the stereo while she vacuumed and he quietly tried to watch the History Channel.
...memories of being at my first apartment and throwing a xmas party, I cleaned immaculately, made sure everyone got a gift, provided drinks and food for my guests, their guests and had enough left over for the following week.
...memories of getting ready for a girls night out where my closest friends pointed out how organized and overly-prepared I was.

So perhaps instead, later, I'll just take a sedative and enjoy the company. :-)

A letter to my biological sister...

Dear Beth,

I'll start by answering your questions:

I did see my Mom over Christmas. She stopped by to drop off gifts, but didn't want me to open them until Christmas. Things were okay until I opened it and found a jewelry box, but inside was a necklace with a charm of scissors on it. How's that for a nasty head game?

The wedding is effectively cancelled until Craig and I can get our financial act together. Sickness benefits are better than nothing, but he's working 50-55 hour weeks trying to pay his student debts off. As you know money truly can be the root of all evil. For all intents and purposes, I guess we're engaged with no firm date.

However, that being said I've been looking into civil ceremonies that only run about $400. Of course you will be the first to know! With my adoptive mother effectively out of my life, that's the God's honest truth. :-P

The next few days are a little hectic; friends over on Friday night, a concert Saturday and my brother-in-law is coming back with the Canadian Sledge Hockey Team from a tourney Japan on Sunday evening.

Plus the therapy. Whoa. Talk about an eye-opener yesterday...

My therapist basically tried to explain that my adoptive mother (conscious or not) has played a lot of head games with me over the years and handled my disorder inappropriately. As Dr. Madigan explained, it's hard to find fault with your parents when you've deified them for a long time, and she said it will be a long time until I can honestly come to grips with that.

Part of the surrounding issue is that I'm also highly judgemental of myself. As the doc put it, I judge myself on everything (and harshly) so that no matter what people may say about me, I can be prepared for it. This is something likely born out of being bullied at a young age. If you fit in and no one notices you, you won't get the crap kicked out of you. That was a hard one to accept. I guess I am my own harshest critic.

The doc loved hearing about you, too. She was amazed at how, despite our genetic similarities, your situation enstilled you with so much courage. I can't honestly say I could've have done what you did. You're a pretty tough chick. ;-)

So it's a little emotionally exhausting but I'm working through a lifetime of hidden thoughts, it's to be expected I suppose. :-) On the whole, life is good. I still have work to do, but I've always been okay with paying my dues. :-)

Love and Hugs to you lil' sis!

Megs (and Craig)

PS - We have steak in the freezer, pulled beef in the fridge and fresh fish and chips. Don't worry, I'm eating... just not huge portions and I'm trying to avoid my coke addiction (THE DRINK!) which in and of itself is terrible for me (10 tsp of sugar in a can?!). I'm healthy and with how often I see doctors I'm sure they'll let me know!

PPS - My doc wants me to start on the generic version of selexa which causes weight gain so even with the working out and diet, things may change! :-P

Meg and Beth, December 2008

Sometimes you just have to ask...

I forgot to mention Conall loves his bed...

---------------------------------------------------------
Hey Mom,

Well, I have to admit, I'm exhausted after a long day of running around.

Craig and I were able to use Gary and Freya's giftcard to buy a storage shelf for above our toilet. We'd been talking about getting one, but as you can imagine, it wasn't a possibility. I attached a picture (I have a feeling I've misplaced Freya's email address again). Please send our thanks!

We also went to get Conall more treats as he was hobbling once again this morning. It turned out to be rock saltstuck in his paw. I don't know why they use he darn stuff with so many dogs around... but that's another rant.

Marylou's soaps (and lip glosses) are actually just what I needed as I've been taking more baths to destress myself. And now with the storage cabinet, I have an accessible place to put them all!

The Cuisinart is awesome, although we still have to re-evaluate what appliances get priority on the counter. ...Our next purchase is a rolling pantry for that very reason.

The jewelery box is something I've needed for a long time, so thank you... but the card and the scissors were a little weird.

Was there something more I there that I was supposed to read into?

Anyway, all and all, thanks for a nice visit, albeit brief.

Love you,
Megs

What I wanted to say to mother...

"Merry Christmas, I miss you" seems too open to intrpretation. But my shrinks say that's all I can say via email.

I'm glad I'm away from you and the family. I think when Dad died, the balance between us shifted somehow, and somehow that wasn't good or appropriate.

My personality and yours shouldn't be together. Not because either of us is bad, but the combination of my anxieties with your need to control everything could never have had a good outcome.

I have not a single present under the tree.

And I'm still happy for where my life is. I have so much honest love in my life it astounds me.

It just saddens me that I've lost my trust for you and your family. It started back when my virginity story was broadcast like a fucking soap opera across the aunts and uncles network...

Then I was made to feel ashamed about my personal socializing choices. The parties I went to, and the outfits I wore - even though you have printed pages of smut describing more edgy things than I ever did, just sitting in your night stand... well, they were then, anyway. So I was made out to be a sicko, while you WERE a sicko - just behind closed doors. Hypocrite!

So as a teen I had to disguise myself to your family. I'm sorry but the whole family is about appearances. And I am at a point in my life I don't want apppearance, I want some honest content!

Then Dad was dying - and you treated me like a grown up... which at the time may have seemed right, but I was a little girl who was losing her Dad. I didn't want to give him more morphine to "help him along" or watch him at home everyday... but there he was. Until he wasn't.

And when he died I wanted to cry with you, but you always try to stop yourself, or say we're being "silly", "maudlin" or you've just had too much wine... why can't we just be sad for losing him?

So I reached for Chris. It's a dead story so I won't beat it to death. If I saw him today, I'd beat the crap out of him, but he helped me at a time you didn't. He was someone to tell stories and cry with. That was 90% of all we did. His mom this and my Dad that until we were either laughing or crying or both.

We did get pregnant together, and I had the abortion only because I didn't want HIM to have a child (he said he would take me to court if I tried to adopt it to someone)... The experience was horrid, painful beyond words, scary and yet he was there - and took care of me when I had to twice be rushed to hospital because of internal bleeding and he never left my side.

Credit where it's due, right?

Then, school... that was almost alright cause I had something to focus on and you were never around. That's probably the best we've ever got along... but I was also excelling at what you wanted me to do - so why would you be upset?

The whole Dr. Ed thing still makes my skin crawl. Do I know that I took money, yes. I get it - that was beyond bad, awful, evil, out of line for even a cent. But you and your family gave up on me and treated me as a criminal. ALL of it was all a cry for help from years of shit stacking up... and you and your family act disgusted around me.

Maybe that's where I started to give up on you.

Beth showed up and everyone... freezes. Suddenly the fact I'm "not yours" seems real to everyone. I love my baby sister with everything I am, but no one in your family could recognize they all started treating me differently. This isn't just me talking, but Craig, too.

I'm done with my acting. I'm a book so open, pages sometimes fly off in the wind.

God, I just feel like you really don't care. You didn't want me, Mom. You didn't want to be pregnant, you didn't want to stay home with a child, you wanted to LOOK like a successful all-rounded woman. And you did for a lot of years. You were more excited at the THOUGHT of having a child come to you, than when you held me the first time. You've said it youself. Seriously, think about it - that's kind of messed up.

I'm pretty sure you said you were sorry about "postponing" the wedding so you could have it under YOUR conditions - but I don't think I ever saw it or let it sink in.

I still have the belief that you knew what you were doing by postponing the wedding and because of that I can't forgive you.

You were my Mom and you should have know me well-enough to know what you were up to would KILL ME INSIDE. Unless you really are just dumb and as a child I've over-estimated you.

Anything is possible.

The worst thing is Craig has to see me cry everyday over my own mother's actions.

That's just fucking sick to me, and angering as hell for him.

Second batch of shortbread ruined...

To do:

clean up latest baking attempt (yes, it's 7:30am),
clean up after dog,
clean up after cats,
clean up after husband,
clean up after workmen come through my holiday home,
do laundry,
work-out (and work the abs this time),
write my sister to thank her for the gift and wonderful letter,
and find a way to quell the anger at my adoptive mother.

...is there a rub-in cream for that?