Did anyone get the license plate of that truck?

So I saw Dr. Madigan today. She said a lot of good things and I did a lot of crying and she was disgusted by the 'scissor' necklace charm I got for Christmas... which, for some reason, also upset me. (Wild, that.)

Hey, one thing I've been promising is to be extremely open!

I was asked today, if I had my mother in a room and I could say ANYTHING I wanted, and she could NEVER repeat it to anyone, what would I say?

I thought a long time, started crying and said, "I'd probably rip this damn scissor-symbolism necklace off, throw it in her face and walk out. I'm too angry to say anything productive.

For the record, I was told NOT to do this in real life as that's kinda rude. However I was also told it's okay to angry at her. She's been a controlling, manipulative, passive-aggressive Mom. That doesn't mean she MEANT to do it. It just kinda happened, and like I said, with the family history, it was likely only a matter of time.

It's so funny that after being SO upset by how Craig's family acted during Christmas in 2006, I've come to see them as a highly functioning, open bunch. They just scream, take a nap and apologize later. I didn't get it at first, but after this year - I GET IT! No talking behind people's backs and little vendettas and competition over how big the gifts are for the kids...

Example: Oh, well, if Kathy gives each of our kids $40 each, then we should give Megan something that adds to the same amount - DID ANYONE ACTUALLY SAY THIS, OR WAS THIS JUST MADE UP BY MY MOM?

Christmas this year was so tame. Granted everyone was hungover and I was REALLY not in the Christmas spirit (and heavily sedated), but it was so organic it was hard not to have a great time. Plus I love all the siblings around. Crazy.

Anyway, the bottom line is, I believe my mother to be a passive-aggressive person hell-bent on keeping me closer than is possible. She used my disorder as an excuse to put all the weight on me rather than just saying, "I don't think you're ready to get married".

Are you mortified [for her] yet? You damn well should be.

I'm mailing her the necklace back. Whether or not it was from the One of a Kind 2006 or 2007 is irrelevant. It was a stupid and inexcusable gift given the circumstances.

So, that's it for now - the intensive twice per week sessions start next week. Soon I'll be dying to work just so I don't have to go to therapy!

Also, I'm not supposed to analyze Mom and her actions and how they relate to me anymore. Observe, take notes, but don't analyze. :-/ ...Dr. Madigan thinks I can't do that yet. I'll try though.

What I wanted to say to mother...

"Merry Christmas, I miss you" seems too open to intrpretation. But my shrinks say that's all I can say via email.

I'm glad I'm away from you and the family. I think when Dad died, the balance between us shifted somehow, and somehow that wasn't good or appropriate.

My personality and yours shouldn't be together. Not because either of us is bad, but the combination of my anxieties with your need to control everything could never have had a good outcome.

I have not a single present under the tree.

And I'm still happy for where my life is. I have so much honest love in my life it astounds me.

It just saddens me that I've lost my trust for you and your family. It started back when my virginity story was broadcast like a fucking soap opera across the aunts and uncles network...

Then I was made to feel ashamed about my personal socializing choices. The parties I went to, and the outfits I wore - even though you have printed pages of smut describing more edgy things than I ever did, just sitting in your night stand... well, they were then, anyway. So I was made out to be a sicko, while you WERE a sicko - just behind closed doors. Hypocrite!

So as a teen I had to disguise myself to your family. I'm sorry but the whole family is about appearances. And I am at a point in my life I don't want apppearance, I want some honest content!

Then Dad was dying - and you treated me like a grown up... which at the time may have seemed right, but I was a little girl who was losing her Dad. I didn't want to give him more morphine to "help him along" or watch him at home everyday... but there he was. Until he wasn't.

And when he died I wanted to cry with you, but you always try to stop yourself, or say we're being "silly", "maudlin" or you've just had too much wine... why can't we just be sad for losing him?

So I reached for Chris. It's a dead story so I won't beat it to death. If I saw him today, I'd beat the crap out of him, but he helped me at a time you didn't. He was someone to tell stories and cry with. That was 90% of all we did. His mom this and my Dad that until we were either laughing or crying or both.

We did get pregnant together, and I had the abortion only because I didn't want HIM to have a child (he said he would take me to court if I tried to adopt it to someone)... The experience was horrid, painful beyond words, scary and yet he was there - and took care of me when I had to twice be rushed to hospital because of internal bleeding and he never left my side.

Credit where it's due, right?

Then, school... that was almost alright cause I had something to focus on and you were never around. That's probably the best we've ever got along... but I was also excelling at what you wanted me to do - so why would you be upset?

The whole Dr. Ed thing still makes my skin crawl. Do I know that I took money, yes. I get it - that was beyond bad, awful, evil, out of line for even a cent. But you and your family gave up on me and treated me as a criminal. ALL of it was all a cry for help from years of shit stacking up... and you and your family act disgusted around me.

Maybe that's where I started to give up on you.

Beth showed up and everyone... freezes. Suddenly the fact I'm "not yours" seems real to everyone. I love my baby sister with everything I am, but no one in your family could recognize they all started treating me differently. This isn't just me talking, but Craig, too.

I'm done with my acting. I'm a book so open, pages sometimes fly off in the wind.

God, I just feel like you really don't care. You didn't want me, Mom. You didn't want to be pregnant, you didn't want to stay home with a child, you wanted to LOOK like a successful all-rounded woman. And you did for a lot of years. You were more excited at the THOUGHT of having a child come to you, than when you held me the first time. You've said it youself. Seriously, think about it - that's kind of messed up.

I'm pretty sure you said you were sorry about "postponing" the wedding so you could have it under YOUR conditions - but I don't think I ever saw it or let it sink in.

I still have the belief that you knew what you were doing by postponing the wedding and because of that I can't forgive you.

You were my Mom and you should have know me well-enough to know what you were up to would KILL ME INSIDE. Unless you really are just dumb and as a child I've over-estimated you.

Anything is possible.

The worst thing is Craig has to see me cry everyday over my own mother's actions.

That's just fucking sick to me, and angering as hell for him.

Second batch of shortbread ruined...

To do:

clean up latest baking attempt (yes, it's 7:30am),
clean up after dog,
clean up after cats,
clean up after husband,
clean up after workmen come through my holiday home,
do laundry,
work-out (and work the abs this time),
write my sister to thank her for the gift and wonderful letter,
and find a way to quell the anger at my adoptive mother.

...is there a rub-in cream for that?

Note of Note

Mom:

I never said I was "happy" but I said I was okay with who I am.

YOU are single-handedly making my life hell.
Everyday I cry for hours because my life with you was a lie.
I fall asleep crying trying not to let Craig hear me, he has to work early.

I take my meds and try to submit resumes but I freeze, or I don't like something about it.
It all comes back to you though. All those wedding files, those portfolios, I worked HARD on those, that's why those were there. That's why I kept sending you stuff... and you LET ME.
You broke me 2 weeks ago and now I'm WAY worse than when I started.

THAT'S what you need to awknowledge.

If you can't do that - then yes, I'm gone.

If you can't do that and I stay - I'm going to make myself sicker.

WHY AM I THINKING OF CHECKING INTO A MENTAL HOSPITAL FOR THE THIRD TIME IN A WEEK BECAUSE OF YOU? DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL AT ALL GUILTY? EVEN A LITTLE... or is this for "my best" too?

She's At It Again

Back handed, contradictory, painful and ...fuck, y'all, she's literally going to make me crazy...

BRITNEY-VILLE party of 1: ME!

My life has been a lie. I was an adopted girl. Different. And my "mother" can't wait to get rid of me. Now I'm afraid she's going to get what she's wanted all along. Me gone. She can keep the money, estates, house, I don't care about that I just wanted my mom behind me for my wedding...

_____________________________________________________

Hi Megs,

Thanks for the heads up on the Christmas tree sale even though I can't summon any Christmas spirit this year.

I also thank you for the update and I'm happy that you ARE takingcare of yourselves, that Craig loves his new job (I've only heard good things about Fidelity as a company), that you are content with your life, and are making plans for the new year including having the kind of wedding you want on your own terms. And that you have written to your Aunts and Uncles.

I don't believe any one pities you. What is there to pity? If they had been silent you would have said they didn't care and when they reach out you say it's pity and disgusting and offends you. Damned if they do and damned if they don't. I guess they used the word "postponed" asthey believed you and Craig would get married at a different time...which, in effect, you are planning to do. And we all get that the attached wedding portfolio is not on hold but "cancelled" as you stated. I also understand when you say you will decide who is going to be invited and that would include me.

Megan, I have always been willing to take responsibility for my actionsand the consequences. I realized that you would be hurt, angry and many of the other things you have written and probably would cut me out of your life until such time as you wanted or chose to renew a relationship. That's the part that makes my decision so very hard to live with. In my heart I did what I thought was best for you.

Why else would I ever put you and I and Craig through all this?When you were little I used to say to you "Who loves you?" Your response: "Mom, Dad and Megan. Why Megan? Because if you can't love yourself how can you love anyone else?" I didn't see my daughter very happy with herself. You tell me now in no uncertain terms that you ARE happy and you are going to live life on your own terms. That's all I've ever wanted for you.

Since you think I need my head examined anyway, I think you are acting better and more focused than you have in a long while. You didn't implode. You're fighting back and standing up and shouting "this is me, world/family, take or leave it." and taking charge of your health and your future. And I couldn't be prouder of you.

Love always,

Mom

P.S. We are planning to bring Nan's reclining chair home as she is now in a wheelchair and won't be using it. Do you want your Dad's chair delivered to you over the holidays?_____________________________________________________

Mom:

This response is typical. This is why you're making me crazy.

You're assuming, reading into things wrong and being hurtful again.

I'm not disowning you. In fact, I said I WOULDN'T because of what I've seen it do to other people and families in the last email to you. All I want from you, is an admission that you personally caused me a nervous breakdown by your actions. You obviously don't see or feel that... you think that was "for the best". I'm not disowning you, but I'm holding you accountable for what you did.

You made the wrong call.

Just like you did when you let me run away with Chris after Dad died (since you mentioned you wanted to talk about it). I pulled away from you, because you wouldn't greive with me - so I found someone who would. Someone profoundly good at greiving and manipulation... I wasted too many years on him... and you hated him - but in a sense, you created the need in me for that. I obviously got the same tastes from you.

To the rest of the family - this is what I'm dealing with... No less nuts than me, but Mom won't even talk to a shrink... see if any of this this sounds familiar, and maybe one of you can talk her into it:

Paranoid personality disorder is a psychiatric diagnosis that denotes a personality disorder with paranoid features. It is characterized by an exaggeration of the cognitive modules for sensitivity to rejection, resentfulness, distrust, as well as the inclination to distort experienced events. Neutral and friendly actions of others are often misinterpreted as being hostile or contemptuous. Unfounded suspicions regarding the sexual loyalty of partners and loyalty in general as well as the belief that one’s rights are not being recognized is stubbornly and argumentatively insisted upon. Such individuals can possess an excessive self-assurance and a tendency toward an exaggerated self-reference. Pathological jealousy, instinctive aggressive counter-attack, the need to control others, and the gathering of trivial or circumstantial "evidence" to support their jealous beliefs also features. The use of the term paranoia in this context is not meant to refer to the presence of frank delusions or psychosis, but implies the presence of ongoing, unbased suspiciousness and distrust of people.

...And she read that thinking it was about me, I bet.

Rubber room me. I'm so done for today. And it's 11am. FUCK!!!

Megan.

PS - You're right mom, I don't want you at my wedding if this is how I'm being treated.

Transparency - How This All Began...

Grand hello to everyone.

Wish I had happier holiday news rather than a manifesto, but it's better than silence.

In October of this year I was told I had been misdiagnosed and mistreated for the wrong disorders for the past 10 years. Turns out I have generalized anxiety disorder due to post traumatic stress. Not depression, as they had been assuming since I was 15.

I lost a job in the process, as my anxiety attacks took hold of me anytime stress was involved (interviews, meetings, etc). I have been put on mild sedatives and am awaiting a psychiatric referral.

Now, right as these things are going on, we had just seen our venue for the wedding - that was when I lost the job. At the venue, we pressed NOT to sign for a date (November 5), but Mom was on board to do it; so having put a deposit down, the loss of my job was (her words) "okay because [I'd] have time to plan the next wedding in [my] time off". Then the following week she also signed the contract (November 14) and faxed it back to the wedding planner.

Then hell broke loose. Once I spoke to mother over the phone I knew something was a-miss and there was something I wasn't being told. She was hesitant to tell me over the phone, which only made me more suspicious - it wasn't good. I pressed to get her to tell me.

Getting the news while sedated made me appear stoic and relaxed, when in reality I had just been broken. I DID nearly commit myself to CAMH in downdown Toronto twice in what they define as a "crisis situation" (break-down crisis, not suicidal). The wedding was all I had was what I DID, and now I was having stipulations like I have to be "working full-time" and "mentally healthy" to continue with planning. At this stage, we plan or we cancel; we had less than months.

I don't make promises I can't keep.

I know who I am (and I know I'm not perfect), and I expect that all of you respect that. I don't want to be perfect. I'm not ambitiously driven by work, and I don't want to climb any ladders. I may go back to school but that's neither here nor there at this point. I am looking for part time work, but right now, Craig is working for Fidelity Investments making decent money so he is happy to see me finally making improvements...

I know I am not the family's definition of sucessful, but I do love my life.
No if's and's or but's.

The wedding is OFF. I have emailed Reg (the wedding planner) and Mom and the two of them are sorting out the costs of a cancellation between themselves as it was Mom's card in the first place.

In a sense, I suppose it IS a postponement, Craig and I will be planning our own wedding in our own time, it may very well be sooner. The thing this time is, we'll be paying, inviting who we want and having it wherever we want. It's so sad that what's supposed to be my perfect day has turned the (my) family upside down and caused me to breakdown.

In the interim, it's time to clean the house and work out if I can muster the energy... hitting the eliptical while sedated is harder than you think!