Swallowing Pride...

Dear Mom,

I won’t touch our old issues now, they’re not as important as you knowing how I’m doing.

If you want a chance to help me better my life for the positive, here it is:

Attached are the letters of complaint we have filed over and over with our building (just so you know it’s not all “Megan being overly dramatic”). We have been treated so badly, I’ve come to see the only way you can be treated well in this city is if you’re rich. ...And I don’t want to be rich, nor wealthy. But I’m trying desperately to be happy. And how close we are...

Aside from the threats on our personal safety, having to call the cops on other tenants and having no proper fire protection or functioning heater all winter, Craig and I are wonderfully happy together. I don’t know how I would have survived the past few months without him. We have wonderful friends in the area, too.

I now have a job that pays the bills, Craig is on E.I. with a broken hand and we’re making it day by day. Conall is healthy and well. The cats are still enjoying the space here. Life and my heart are in good stead, but my soul is being crushed in this city. I’ve been saying I wanted out for a long time, before I even met Craig if you’ll recall – and I know you remember the family laughed at me for it... so I’m really hoping you won’t do that now.

We are now nearing desperate to leave this city for Kincardine. Craig’s parents don’t seem to like the idea too much, but Craig is looking to work at the Power Plant and I have been submitting resumes with their doctors (they’ve been recruiting to the area), dentists and vets.

The obvious issue is we can’t do it on our budget and with the building’s holding company treating us like we’re the problem, my home has become a place that makes me feel worse, rather than better. It’s not a safe haven, it’s a lobster trap. It’s undoing all the good I’ve done with Dr. Madigan so far.

I’ve been taking more sedatives than I should, practically dependant on them just to be able to be calm enough to focus on watching TV (mostly due to the tenant who threatened us). I’m learning how to use the Bokken (think: big long stick) in self defence. It’s been great for my confidence, but I would’ve rather learned under less stressful circumstances.

I’m sure you can imagine how degraded I feel begging you for help when I’ve been so cold for so long. But I also can’t condone Craig taking money from his parents off their line of credit when they’re still paying off their 2nd mortgage and putting Paul through University... all of this off their pensions.

Since the “formal” wedding has been indefinitely scrapped, I’m asking you for a portion of the money you offered to us to help us start a real home life together in a place where we can be safe and start our family together - NO I’M NOT PREGNANT, SO DON’T PANIC!

It kills me that this is my first non-angry letter to you, but I guess I’m holding up faith that the Mom instinct in you is still there. I couldn’t blame you if you say no or ignore me entirely, but after our lives together, I’m hoping you can accept that I have to cut my own path in life, and right now, I need your help to clear some of the clutter away.

If you choose to write or call me back, I’m not the same person I was when we last spoke. I won’t lie to you about things you don’t want to hear and I won’t hide who I am anymore for the sake of appearances. Ignorance isn’t bliss when it comes to the people we love.

I love the woman I am now; I just hope you can love her, too.

Although it’s against my better judgement to say anything, while I’ve made lots of positive progress without you in my life these past few months, it’s also been some of the most painful times of my life. To turn my back on someone who I couldn’t breathe a bad word about a year ago was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. ...Perhaps with the exception of having to write this.

I’ll be waiting for word from you, whatever it is. Just like it’s my life, it’s also your money to do with as you will. All I can do is ask.

Now with a heavy heart,
Megs.

Life goes on.

Well, I'm back at work, or at least I have a job. I've been off for two days with a fever and ear ache... I thought only kids got ear infections!!! Being at a place in the private sector is so nice. Less red tape, better functionality, better quality of care... I actually feel like I can make a difference... what a concept.

On the pet front, we're looking at getting another dog to play with Conall. Ideally, we're trying to get one out of the Humane Society who need the help emptying their cages. We're not flush with cash, but Conall will need a friend once Craig is back at work and our hearts still have a little more love to give.

The meds are keeping me in check for now and I'm happy to be living again. Making friends again. Feeling alive again. It was a hard road and caused me to estrange myself from my family, but I'm doing so much better.... I feel like a different, better person, now.

On the "home" front, we're likely looking for a new one as our building has degenerated to a typical Dupont Lansdowne slum. People are letting their dogs defecate in the hallways and despite trying to have this resolved since last December, it keeps happening and with greater frequency. It's beyond nasty. To make things worse our landlord is incompetent and the building management won't reprimand her, even though they've expressed similar feelings about her. Bizarre.

And Craig's hand is so badly deformed it's likely he'll need surgery. We found out the doctors at TWH set it at a 35 degree angle. The tech's at St. Joe's, with a little help from anaesthetic managed to re-break and set it at 25 degrees. Still, the orthopaedist says surgery is now likely. This has made my case against UHN all the stronger.

Still, in all of this, life goes on. And I think I'm all the stronger for it.

New things, changes, remodelling, it's all a metaphor...

Our brand spankin`new futon, made by my father-in-law.

Our home finally looks like a home. This has settled me greatly. And Craig loves the fact we can actually sit next to each other on the couch. :-) In other happy notes, our puppy has been so hyper since the snow fall started, we've had no choice but to spend hours outside. This has been good for my my head and my body.

Conall eats as much snow as he can while laying in it simultaneously.