Swallowing Pride...

Dear Mom,

I won’t touch our old issues now, they’re not as important as you knowing how I’m doing.

If you want a chance to help me better my life for the positive, here it is:

Attached are the letters of complaint we have filed over and over with our building (just so you know it’s not all “Megan being overly dramatic”). We have been treated so badly, I’ve come to see the only way you can be treated well in this city is if you’re rich. ...And I don’t want to be rich, nor wealthy. But I’m trying desperately to be happy. And how close we are...

Aside from the threats on our personal safety, having to call the cops on other tenants and having no proper fire protection or functioning heater all winter, Craig and I are wonderfully happy together. I don’t know how I would have survived the past few months without him. We have wonderful friends in the area, too.

I now have a job that pays the bills, Craig is on E.I. with a broken hand and we’re making it day by day. Conall is healthy and well. The cats are still enjoying the space here. Life and my heart are in good stead, but my soul is being crushed in this city. I’ve been saying I wanted out for a long time, before I even met Craig if you’ll recall – and I know you remember the family laughed at me for it... so I’m really hoping you won’t do that now.

We are now nearing desperate to leave this city for Kincardine. Craig’s parents don’t seem to like the idea too much, but Craig is looking to work at the Power Plant and I have been submitting resumes with their doctors (they’ve been recruiting to the area), dentists and vets.

The obvious issue is we can’t do it on our budget and with the building’s holding company treating us like we’re the problem, my home has become a place that makes me feel worse, rather than better. It’s not a safe haven, it’s a lobster trap. It’s undoing all the good I’ve done with Dr. Madigan so far.

I’ve been taking more sedatives than I should, practically dependant on them just to be able to be calm enough to focus on watching TV (mostly due to the tenant who threatened us). I’m learning how to use the Bokken (think: big long stick) in self defence. It’s been great for my confidence, but I would’ve rather learned under less stressful circumstances.

I’m sure you can imagine how degraded I feel begging you for help when I’ve been so cold for so long. But I also can’t condone Craig taking money from his parents off their line of credit when they’re still paying off their 2nd mortgage and putting Paul through University... all of this off their pensions.

Since the “formal” wedding has been indefinitely scrapped, I’m asking you for a portion of the money you offered to us to help us start a real home life together in a place where we can be safe and start our family together - NO I’M NOT PREGNANT, SO DON’T PANIC!

It kills me that this is my first non-angry letter to you, but I guess I’m holding up faith that the Mom instinct in you is still there. I couldn’t blame you if you say no or ignore me entirely, but after our lives together, I’m hoping you can accept that I have to cut my own path in life, and right now, I need your help to clear some of the clutter away.

If you choose to write or call me back, I’m not the same person I was when we last spoke. I won’t lie to you about things you don’t want to hear and I won’t hide who I am anymore for the sake of appearances. Ignorance isn’t bliss when it comes to the people we love.

I love the woman I am now; I just hope you can love her, too.

Although it’s against my better judgement to say anything, while I’ve made lots of positive progress without you in my life these past few months, it’s also been some of the most painful times of my life. To turn my back on someone who I couldn’t breathe a bad word about a year ago was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. ...Perhaps with the exception of having to write this.

I’ll be waiting for word from you, whatever it is. Just like it’s my life, it’s also your money to do with as you will. All I can do is ask.

Now with a heavy heart,
Megs.

When you hit rock bottom...

My inlaws are loaning us money. People who hang shelves of a daughter who lives in Toronto, pay for a son to go to University, help out their son in a wheelchair and now, their son with a broken hand.

It makes me crazy when they're doing everything they can to help us out when they give so much of what they have as it is. They would break themselves to help their family.

Maybe my mother spent too much time helping out my cousins MaryLou, Charlie, Joanne and Matthew to realize I needed help. Who knows, speculation is not in my therapy plans.

As the old addage goes, "when you hit rock bottom you've got nothing to lose."

Hello, rock bottom! Table for two?

Made it to the Pit

Not that I'd do it... I'm too much of a coward... but at this moment, I have nothing, no one and I want to die. Just putting it out there.

EDIT: That was before I made a hole in my bathroom wall roughly the size of my fist and Craig in response TRIED to put his fist through a concrete wall, but that didn't go so well. He's enroute to Toronto Western to be casted. Idiot. Don't get me wrong, both were stupid things to do, but at least I can type with two hands. Now I need to figure out if it was okay that he asked about hitting me before he hit the concrete wall - I invited him to give me a black eye...

...you know what, it was better his knuckle, than my right eye. No one wants a receptionist that looks like she's been 10 rounds with Mohammed Ali.

Time off...

So I took the weekend off, shoot me. :-P

I spent the whole weekend hanging out with Craig, ran a few errands, groomed all the animals, had a couple friends over, thoroughly cleaned the house and took in some great programming on TVO and the BBC...

I think that's how you really know you're growing up. Suddenly, you'll find public broadcasting entertaining, and it's frightening really. ...Of course, I'm only joking, public broadcasting is both intellectually stimulating and veryenjoyable.

Today, I've already finished filing my tax documents with the CRA, soon I'll be off to do laundry and maybe hit the gym. Unfortunately, I'm totally exhausted right now. Not near enough sleep and the remains of that stomach bug = ew/ick/blech.

...I also should submit a few more job applications. I fear no one wants me! The last resort will be my going in to work for Craig at Veritude/Fidelity. They're good to their people if you're good to them and everyone who works there seems to love it. Hey money is money. Gotta make a buck somehow.

Thoroughly exhausted

The day started with a BANG. Craig and I fighting over Dina Pugliese (SP?) on Breakfast Television. We both lothe her and yet she STILL manages to start fights between us with her air-headed, unplanned, rambling commentary. Just once I'd like to see Kevin Frankish smack her upside the head... JUST ONCE.

I tried to stop the fight by dropping my argument which Craig immediately picked out as something I did when my mother and I would fight. That sent me into a downward spiral of crying and hopelessness (of course, it was early so my meds weren't in my system, yet). Which went on into a horrid bout right before he had to leave for work. He had offered to stay and apologized for upsetting me (like it was even his fault) but I insisted he get out the door. With the weather as it is, I knew they'd need him.

After he left, I was still crying for a while, realizing my mother has no idea or want to take responsibility for the head games she's played on me over the years. Everything nice she's ever done for ME was to make HER look good. And when I didn't look good, she was not exactly the 'caring' type.

Because of this, I just want to get away. Craig and I are making new friends and making a 3 year plan for our move to Europe. But according to Craig in her last email she did offer me money. Maybe I'll take her up on it. If she doesn't want to see me married and trust in my (and Craig's) adult decisions, then she just doesn't have to see me. Period.

I got my taxes done and thankfully the refund will JUST cover what I owe the government. So it all worked out. Big load of bricks gone there.

Also, at about 3pm my neighbours yapping little dogs started into a cacaphony of barking (I love animals, but these things are out of control). I left a four page letter on their door asking them to read the letter and "consider their options". I also said in no uncertain terms that I do not want to get the rental office or animal control in to investigate... they just need to discipline their dogs and give them boundaries. At the end of a long article on Caesar Millan's techniques I also offered the websites of Caesar's clinic, a canadian trainer, Brad, from "At The End Of My Leash" as well as the last resort shock collar should everything else fail. I hate training methods like that but by looking at the owner I'm guessing she's too lazy to bother working with the poor animals. It's so damn frustrating.

Other than that little note, from 10am until now, I've been hurriedly working on a slew of stuff for the anti-affricentric school rally on March 7th. I likely won't be able to attend, myself, but I am more than happy to help the organizers who seem a little overwhealmed at all this. The thing with protests is no one understands how much work is involved until you screw it up. Did that once and now I have a lot of experience under my belt. Plus, helping on a cause you're passionate about does help the ego.

So far we have: posters, internet banners, a draft schedule, a draft press release and flyers will be made shortly. It's a never ending stream of work. I can see how someone who works and goes to school would find it a little too taxing on their time.

Now of course, I'm exhausted both emotionally and physically and Craig will be home early tonight. Crap. I need to get dinner sorted out. LOL It never ends!!!

Here's hoping the day can slip out with a whimper. *prays* PLEASE!!!

A letter to my biological sister...

Dear Beth,

I'll start by answering your questions:

I did see my Mom over Christmas. She stopped by to drop off gifts, but didn't want me to open them until Christmas. Things were okay until I opened it and found a jewelry box, but inside was a necklace with a charm of scissors on it. How's that for a nasty head game?

The wedding is effectively cancelled until Craig and I can get our financial act together. Sickness benefits are better than nothing, but he's working 50-55 hour weeks trying to pay his student debts off. As you know money truly can be the root of all evil. For all intents and purposes, I guess we're engaged with no firm date.

However, that being said I've been looking into civil ceremonies that only run about $400. Of course you will be the first to know! With my adoptive mother effectively out of my life, that's the God's honest truth. :-P

The next few days are a little hectic; friends over on Friday night, a concert Saturday and my brother-in-law is coming back with the Canadian Sledge Hockey Team from a tourney Japan on Sunday evening.

Plus the therapy. Whoa. Talk about an eye-opener yesterday...

My therapist basically tried to explain that my adoptive mother (conscious or not) has played a lot of head games with me over the years and handled my disorder inappropriately. As Dr. Madigan explained, it's hard to find fault with your parents when you've deified them for a long time, and she said it will be a long time until I can honestly come to grips with that.

Part of the surrounding issue is that I'm also highly judgemental of myself. As the doc put it, I judge myself on everything (and harshly) so that no matter what people may say about me, I can be prepared for it. This is something likely born out of being bullied at a young age. If you fit in and no one notices you, you won't get the crap kicked out of you. That was a hard one to accept. I guess I am my own harshest critic.

The doc loved hearing about you, too. She was amazed at how, despite our genetic similarities, your situation enstilled you with so much courage. I can't honestly say I could've have done what you did. You're a pretty tough chick. ;-)

So it's a little emotionally exhausting but I'm working through a lifetime of hidden thoughts, it's to be expected I suppose. :-) On the whole, life is good. I still have work to do, but I've always been okay with paying my dues. :-)

Love and Hugs to you lil' sis!

Megs (and Craig)

PS - We have steak in the freezer, pulled beef in the fridge and fresh fish and chips. Don't worry, I'm eating... just not huge portions and I'm trying to avoid my coke addiction (THE DRINK!) which in and of itself is terrible for me (10 tsp of sugar in a can?!). I'm healthy and with how often I see doctors I'm sure they'll let me know!

PPS - My doc wants me to start on the generic version of selexa which causes weight gain so even with the working out and diet, things may change! :-P

Meg and Beth, December 2008

Unremarkable...

I spent some of the day importing Livejournal posts ( http://redpixiesticks.livejournal.com/ ), trying to nap and calm my stomach and then took a walk to the mall where I bought things I probably shouldn't have... or at least didn't need to.

I just want the sun to come out. All this wet weather makes my dog smell funny and look like a stray. He takes more baths than I do now... and I don't get massaged with suds by two people in mine!

That fire the other day was crazy... some of the footage Craig shot actually made the 6 o'clock news, which was pretty cool (thanks CityTV/CP24 Toronto). We just saw dozens of trucks and went to investigate. Once we saw what was unfolding, we ended up staying until most of it had been contained. Our toes and fingers were numb and we were wet (from the hoses and the rain), but as I said to Craig, "it's like staying to watch the slaying of a beast - you can't leave half-way through. And of, course there were all the residents that were crying and distraught, T-PASS alarms going off every two minutes... Not a scene that's easy to walk away from. But we did when actual frostbite began to nip at my fingers.

Conall has been most aggravated by the shorter walks that come with rain and as a result is taking his pent up aggression on the cats. Poor Craig disciplined him last night (after he'd attacked Tweek) by putting him on his side (something we haven't had to do in months) and the poor thing peed himself. We cleaned him up and made no big deal out of it... of course he's acting rather sheepish today, but no less bold with the cats. *nip, nip*

I think deep down, I am more upset about it than Conall was.

Anyway, time to plan dinner for the working man.

SUPER HAPPY FUN DAY

Dog peed on our couch last night.
Cat peed on the dog bed this morning.
Other cat peed on the same spot on the dog bed.
Sickness benefit deposited.
Then prematurely eaten by Visa bills.
...but with what's left, I get to spend all day shopping.

It has been 8 months since I've had ANY retail therapy.
Thank you, Lord! LOL
I get to collect some of the things I need for my wedding...
needlework.... I'm so excited...
Grandma Ball taught me this skill for this... and I'll actually use it!

So I have to get ready... but I thought I'd share one of my top 5 these days... it's my morning song:

Carrie Underwood

"So Small"

What you got if you ain't got love

the kind that you just want to give away

It's okay to open up, go ahead and let the light shine through

I know it's hard on a rainy day

you want to shut the world out and just be left alone

But don't run out on your faith

'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand

What you've been up there searching for forever is in your hands

When you figure out love is all that matters after all

It sure makes everything else seem so small

It's so easy to get lost inside

a problem that seems so big at the time

it's like a river thats so wide

it swallows you whole

While you sit around thinking about what you can't change

and worrying about all the wrong things

time's flying by moving so fast

you better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand

What you've been up there searching for forever is in your hands

When you figure out love is all that matters after all

It sure makes everything else seem so small

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand

What you've been up there searching for forever is in your hands

When you figure out love is all that matters after all

It sure makes everything else

Oh it sure makes everything else seem so small, yeah, yeah