To be or not to be... what, exactly?

I can stand up for myself, and be seen as a pushy, controlling ... you know, or say nothing and be accused of silent treatment and rudeness. Even excusing myself to have a cigarette after an argument (while he's trying to eat no less) is unacceptable somehow.

And so it begins. Feeling dead inside again. Pen up those emotions so they don't make him mad. Say just enough that he knows I'm listening. Pray that the cats behave - because I'll be blamed. Even though he's lived with them for over a year and a half. It's my fault. They're MINE, after all.

What did I do? Where did I go wrong? Why does he act like he hates me?

How do I fix this?! *smacks head*

I told myself cooler heads may prevail... that the tension was temporary... but it turns out he's the same as I was with my mother... he spends time with his folks and comes home angry at me... I'm not driven enough, I'm not trying hard enough, I'm not meeting people, I'm not doing enough...

God knows this move can't have been a mistake. I love the atmosphere here, the space, the wildlife, the sunscapes, the opportunity. Dear Abby... please help. I'm happier here on the whole... now if I could just be happy at home.

I feel like he's given up on me... and I don't know if there's ANYTHING I can do to change that.

Life Happens

Have you ever tried to apologize for something and it all comes out so screwed people think you're worse than when you started? Welcome to my day.

I couldn't fix the couch the way he liked. That's how this all started. Right now I'm ready to run my fist through a wall... had I not tried that only 2 months ago. Hurts a lot more than the emotional pain.

Then he said something and while I heard him, I didn't respond. I was edgy from the way he'd reacted over the couch, and the comment was about a show I was watching on TV... a statement I agreed with. I didn't realize that this silent treatment was the same as the ones he has already complained about.

I hate conflict; I'd do anything to avoid it. Instead I ended up accidentally instigating myself into a black hole.

I wrote an apology for my part and went for a walk.

"I am tired.
I am sorry that I'm so inconsiderate.
I am sick of feeling like my brain is defective. (add-in: does God take returns?)
I am irritated that you're always right.
I hate that my feeling inadequate makes you get down on yourself.
I don't hate you, just your attitude sometimes.
I don't look down on you or ride a high horse,
those times you've said I have, have been times I felt the lowest.

"I love you.
You're everything to me.
You hold me when I cry, give direction when I have none.
You love me when it seems like no one else will.
You make me want to be better than I am. (add-in: or hope to be)

"You have all of my apologies and all of my pride.
Neither of us are perfect, but I still think we're perfect for each other.
Even now."

I came back afterwards to more of the same BS. We yelled. I excused myself from a trip to help his parents. We yelled more. I sat. I cried more.

Some of the things I had blurted out may have been more than just angry ranting. I am a depressed person. Not all the time, not to the point of instability anymore, but I do feel like garbage compared to my excelling fiance. Some of my ramblings included quips like:

"You're always right... You can find hard evidence for any argument we get into... I can't remember anything... We fight over the same things because of my inability to rationally deal with conflict... When we fight your always think I'm trying to make you the bad guy... Do you think I like it that I ignore you without realizing it? That I make the man I love feel like crap? It kills me..."

Perhaps I'm no better than the school-yard bully. Maybe I'm so mired down with my own feelings of stupidity, worthlessness and self-loathing that I transfer those feelings onto Craig. I assume he feels all those things for me, and when he gets angry, it validates those feelings.

He thinks I'm stupid, unattractive, unworthy of him. Who could blame him.

Oh... okay, none of that's TRUE... but it all seems to add up. And throw on to that the mean things that get said during any lover's quarrel and it's a recipe for emotional turmoil. And then his yet un-apologized quote from last weeks tiff rings through my ears:

"You're just like your mother. The sad part is, you don't see it."

And then I get angry again. More crying.

The tears dry.

I catch my breath.

I realize he may be right, although that doesn't excuse the way or intent that came with the way he said it. Hurting the one you love is NEVER okay. But if the hurt wasn't intentional, if it can be worked through and made right, then it can make you stronger.

I just hate the waiting in between. I guess it's a down day, today. But that's a-okay. Life happens.

Last few minutes

Well, as the last few minutes of the day run out there aren't many revelations from this particular day, besides:

1) Craig & I are solid no matter what. I can put my heart in that. He's even agreed to join me in therapy.
2) The fact I hurt may be my mother's fault, the fact I'm out of control is mine.
3) I cannot let being "broken" define who I am exclusively. We all come with baggage, mine's just a little heavier. That's okay. It doesn't make me who I am, just dresses me up a little.

Now, I'm going to try to sleep despite the fact my tummy is in knots. Stupid aunt flow. :-P

Tonight, I blew my lid...

Kathy Doherty wrote:
I hope all is well with you and Craig. I think about you a lot and just wanted to check in.

Life is the same ole same ole for me.

Love

Mom

Megan Ball wrote:

How dare you?!
...act like everything is fine... like I want to speak with you.

...have you cancelled the wedding yet or are you still sitting on it so I can talk to Reg at Delta again? :-(

I'm glad life is the "same ole" for you ...do you EVER feel emotional pain?

I spend everyday in torture - screaming at walls, crying, throwing things.

...you don't seem to get that. You've got me to the point I'm "disabled" according to my docs. I have no money come March first, but my doctor says I can't look for work because I'm too unstable. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HEAR THAT?!

Craig yells at me everyday recently (over things that are usually money related) and I can't even blame him. I know what it's like to be with someone like me.

I hate myself. Whatever you thought you taught me about how to love myself, you did a shitty job.

I hope your therapy is going well.
Mine is shite. Not ever enough time for what I need to say.

One day, I'll stop being angry at you. I hope. But right now, I have nothing positive to say to you.

PS - I'll be mailing that necklace back to you, I really don't want something like that from my "Mom". That was the sickest thing to give and the worst message to send - if it WAS unintentional (and I DON'T believe it was), then it was just REALLY fucking stupid. It felt like the WORST head game yet.

PPS - My number has changed. I'll give you the new one when I can say your name without heart palpitations.

Beaten up feelin'.

My knee won't stop aching, I'm fairly sure I bruised my hip when I fell and my whole body hurts from hitting the ground under the strain of 3, 100lb dogs. I do love the puppies though. :-)

Ryan Malcolm of Canadian Idol fame sent out a reminder about his new group's show in Toronto at Diesel later this month. Craig and I will be second row centre for Low Level Flight... Edwin is playing too so it should be a good show... and not too bad for $15 bucks plus a $2 internet fee ($34 for both of us). I also have a small crush on Ryan Malcolm (and his voice) so being able to see him live will be awesome.

*daydreams*
I wanna sing Say on stage with him...and email the video to my Mom.

Craig and I are just really happy to be able to have something fun to do. Moping around only gets you so far.

...Ouch, I hope the dog can wait to get walked til Craig gets home. He's just too much strain on my knee.

Now... off to daydream some more...