This won't likely be that long since the computer screen is making my eyes want to shrivel up and die. I just had to make a quick post... has anyone else ever been stood up at a job interview? Or am I the only one? I won't go into details but it seems the interviewer was ill and... well, just forgot I was coming in today. That makes me feel important. :-)
Craig and I are still kind of on pins and needles, but he's working today so that's kind of out of sight out of mind right now. I'm starting to think, by the things we fight about and the things he says, that I've been judging this scenario all wrong. I went for a long walk down to my interview and back (hooray for not driving), and had plenty of time alone with my iPod Shuffle to think it out.
Here are some things I think about my 'husband':
1. He loves me.
2. He loves being right almost as much.
3. He wants to make me happy.
4. He is as frustrated with the job front/hunt as I am.
5. He feels I'm unhappy with him.
6. He feels I don't pay attention to him - EVER.
7. He seems to be starting to get the impression I don't even care about him.
Here's what I know about me:
1. I love him to death and wouldn't want to be with anyone else.
2. He makes me happy. Just being near him (when we're not fighting) makes me smile.
3. I appreciate how much he puts himself out for me.
4. I let him be "right" about things I may not agree with, because I can't have discussions without arguments.
5. I TRY to pay attention so much more than I ever have - mostly because due to HIS coercion, my short term memory has suffered. This is a new revelation that really irritates me.
6. I don't show my love for him as often as I should and, being typically female, rely on daily "I love you's".
7. If he really was unhappy with me, I'd let him go in the interests of his happiness. Even though it would likely send me into a pit of despair the likes of which would be unknown to my soul.
I really feel like I should go give him a hug right about now.
I had a dream last night we were characters in the show "Rome". He was Pullo, a legion man who killed for cash, had a love of the ladies and drink, but in the end saved a woman from slavery and married her. I was Vorena the Elder... which makes NO sense since she's only 17 or so on the show. She was bitter, been treated brutally by slave owners and wants her own father dead for his part in her entering into slavery.
...You know, writing it out it starts to makes some sense. I'm with someone who I adore, someone strong, sometimes scary, but on the whole, I recognize him as a good man. I'm feeling, however, as if I can't be close to him because of how hurt he can make me feel. For all his righteousness, strength, protection and love, he can still cause pain - and never even realize it.
Man, now my head REALLY hurts!
Showing posts with label fight. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fight. Show all posts
Monday, May 19, 2008
Friday, May 2, 2008
Happy days are here again
I won't say too much about the past few days. What I will say is that talking, albeit painful and sometimes difficult, is the best way to air frustrations.
Yes, I knew this before we fought. Yes, I've always been told this by self-help books and psychologists alike. Yes, even my fiance tried to get me to open up before the explosion... but I was fighting back with silence. I often trip up my words when engaged in a quarrel... with family, friends, peers or Craig. I suppose this is one of the reasons writing has always come so easily.
We sat and 'talked', occasionally yelling. And by the end, he understood me a little more, and I understood him. He doesn't hate me. Quite the opposite. He wants to make sure we're taken care of and secure.
How can a girl argue with that?
Yes, I knew this before we fought. Yes, I've always been told this by self-help books and psychologists alike. Yes, even my fiance tried to get me to open up before the explosion... but I was fighting back with silence. I often trip up my words when engaged in a quarrel... with family, friends, peers or Craig. I suppose this is one of the reasons writing has always come so easily.
We sat and 'talked', occasionally yelling. And by the end, he understood me a little more, and I understood him. He doesn't hate me. Quite the opposite. He wants to make sure we're taken care of and secure.
How can a girl argue with that?
Friday, March 7, 2008
Woe Is Me
Well, another well spent day. Craig and I arguing over whether dogs have rational thought similar to that of someone with a mental disability. I said no. He said yes. He lashed out at me trying to leave it that we agree to disagree. Then got frustrated when I tried to go upstairs to get away from him while he refitted the sheets on the couch. How was I to know he even wanted my help?!
Of course this likely stems from the fact we can barely keep food on the table and haven't paid the rent. This is probably my fault, too.
I don't know what to do when we fight like this. I don't want to leave him, but the more I stand up for myself and my own opinions, the more we get into it. And the more we get into it, the further away from him I feel. Which leads to a lack of intimacy which hurts us both and leaves me feeling like leaving may be my only choice.
Then again, he's out of work, we're broke, he's got an imobolized hand and I'm sure not hearing from Manulife has been driving him mental. I just wish I knew how to handle this. Conflict is not something I've ever really had to deal with. I avoided it with my parents, I shy away from it with friends, I didn't even defend myself in situations where I should have because I just wanted it all to go away.
And perhaps that's why leaving doesn't feel like an option. I mean, beyond the finances. I feel like if I were to give up, I'm only giving up on what I'm working so hard to acheive. A normal life.
God, what I'd give for a normal life.
As for today, I think I'll be trying to sleep away the knots in my stomach.
Of course this likely stems from the fact we can barely keep food on the table and haven't paid the rent. This is probably my fault, too.
I don't know what to do when we fight like this. I don't want to leave him, but the more I stand up for myself and my own opinions, the more we get into it. And the more we get into it, the further away from him I feel. Which leads to a lack of intimacy which hurts us both and leaves me feeling like leaving may be my only choice.
Then again, he's out of work, we're broke, he's got an imobolized hand and I'm sure not hearing from Manulife has been driving him mental. I just wish I knew how to handle this. Conflict is not something I've ever really had to deal with. I avoided it with my parents, I shy away from it with friends, I didn't even defend myself in situations where I should have because I just wanted it all to go away.
And perhaps that's why leaving doesn't feel like an option. I mean, beyond the finances. I feel like if I were to give up, I'm only giving up on what I'm working so hard to acheive. A normal life.
God, what I'd give for a normal life.
As for today, I think I'll be trying to sleep away the knots in my stomach.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Another day dawns...
Well, having caught up on a couple of days worth of pictures and posts, I know there is much on my mind. The tension between Craig and I is becoming unbearable at times, leaving us snapping at each other over the stupidest things. We're losing our ability to fight constructively, partially because I have no will to fight or stand up anymore. I'm too tired for arguing. The constant rattle in my brain is enough, thank you very much.
I don't know what to do anymore, like life is slipping by and I'm grasping at the few remaining fibres, trying to hold them together with all the strength in my hands.
If Craig turned his back, I'd have nearly no one. No one who's trust I've earned and can rely on. I'd have to go back to my beloved smother... I mean mother! The thought that she would have me back in her life based on my inability to care for myself... it reinforces everything I think she wants out of me. I don't want to let her have it.
She responded to my email again but I haven't and won't read it. I don't really care what she thinks. Craig read it and responded... I wonder what was said but at the same time feel better just putting it out of my head. He's trying to protect me - just like she did.
I feel bad for hurting her... and yet, there's nothing good in that. I hate/am angry at her for what she did over the years no good in that either. Even in all my sadness that supposedly comes from her - I manage to have my brain spin it so it's all my fault. I don't think she understands that. And there's definitely no good to come from that.
I love the times... well, that's the sad part... there aren't many times I remember having fun and not feeling like I had to be "on". Buying clothes together, going for lunch... really it was always shopping related. We actually didn't share much of a sense of humour.... I don't remember laughing anymore. I know there must have been times... but the only time I remember was when we were outside telling stories about Dad right after he passed, watching the sunset. I remember crying at the same time though, so I'm not sure that counts.
The best thing I have in my life, I'm afraid of losing. But then again, people have a history of turning their back on me, and I tend to prepare for the worst.
As for now, I need to join my love in bed. It's late, and since we haven't killed each other yet, we may as well enjoy sleeping next to each other until the next lover's quarrel.
I don't know what to do anymore, like life is slipping by and I'm grasping at the few remaining fibres, trying to hold them together with all the strength in my hands.
If Craig turned his back, I'd have nearly no one. No one who's trust I've earned and can rely on. I'd have to go back to my beloved smother... I mean mother! The thought that she would have me back in her life based on my inability to care for myself... it reinforces everything I think she wants out of me. I don't want to let her have it.
She responded to my email again but I haven't and won't read it. I don't really care what she thinks. Craig read it and responded... I wonder what was said but at the same time feel better just putting it out of my head. He's trying to protect me - just like she did.
I feel bad for hurting her... and yet, there's nothing good in that. I hate/am angry at her for what she did over the years no good in that either. Even in all my sadness that supposedly comes from her - I manage to have my brain spin it so it's all my fault. I don't think she understands that. And there's definitely no good to come from that.
I love the times... well, that's the sad part... there aren't many times I remember having fun and not feeling like I had to be "on". Buying clothes together, going for lunch... really it was always shopping related. We actually didn't share much of a sense of humour.... I don't remember laughing anymore. I know there must have been times... but the only time I remember was when we were outside telling stories about Dad right after he passed, watching the sunset. I remember crying at the same time though, so I'm not sure that counts.
The best thing I have in my life, I'm afraid of losing. But then again, people have a history of turning their back on me, and I tend to prepare for the worst.
As for now, I need to join my love in bed. It's late, and since we haven't killed each other yet, we may as well enjoy sleeping next to each other until the next lover's quarrel.
I love this man to death!
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Post Script...
This is how I would like to remember today: went to concert, had a blast. Low Level Flight proved they're more than the flavor of the week, they have solid talent behind some awesome songs. Even the new material went over well!
Low Level Flight (f. Ryan Malcolm of Candaian Idol fame) rocks out at the Diesel this evening!
Before we started the insanity. We were having a blast! And sporting new haircuts!
Instead, there was a blow up en route home and a melt down in my closet, and everything, is of course, fine as usual. I'm not sure how much more I can say. It was a typical spat. Just at a crappy time. Such is life. Que cera, cera.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Did anyone get the license plate of that truck?
So I saw Dr. Madigan today. She said a lot of good things and I did a lot of crying and she was disgusted by the 'scissor' necklace charm I got for Christmas... which, for some reason, also upset me. (Wild, that.)
Hey, one thing I've been promising is to be extremely open!
I was asked today, if I had my mother in a room and I could say ANYTHING I wanted, and she could NEVER repeat it to anyone, what would I say?
I thought a long time, started crying and said, "I'd probably rip this damn scissor-symbolism necklace off, throw it in her face and walk out. I'm too angry to say anything productive.
For the record, I was told NOT to do this in real life as that's kinda rude. However I was also told it's okay to angry at her. She's been a controlling, manipulative, passive-aggressive Mom. That doesn't mean she MEANT to do it. It just kinda happened, and like I said, with the family history, it was likely only a matter of time.
It's so funny that after being SO upset by how Craig's family acted during Christmas in 2006, I've come to see them as a highly functioning, open bunch. They just scream, take a nap and apologize later. I didn't get it at first, but after this year - I GET IT! No talking behind people's backs and little vendettas and competition over how big the gifts are for the kids...
Example: Oh, well, if Kathy gives each of our kids $40 each, then we should give Megan something that adds to the same amount - DID ANYONE ACTUALLY SAY THIS, OR WAS THIS JUST MADE UP BY MY MOM?
Christmas this year was so tame. Granted everyone was hungover and I was REALLY not in the Christmas spirit (and heavily sedated), but it was so organic it was hard not to have a great time. Plus I love all the siblings around. Crazy.
Anyway, the bottom line is, I believe my mother to be a passive-aggressive person hell-bent on keeping me closer than is possible. She used my disorder as an excuse to put all the weight on me rather than just saying, "I don't think you're ready to get married".
Are you mortified [for her] yet? You damn well should be.
I'm mailing her the necklace back. Whether or not it was from the One of a Kind 2006 or 2007 is irrelevant. It was a stupid and inexcusable gift given the circumstances.
So, that's it for now - the intensive twice per week sessions start next week. Soon I'll be dying to work just so I don't have to go to therapy!
Also, I'm not supposed to analyze Mom and her actions and how they relate to me anymore. Observe, take notes, but don't analyze. :-/ ...Dr. Madigan thinks I can't do that yet. I'll try though.
Hey, one thing I've been promising is to be extremely open!
I was asked today, if I had my mother in a room and I could say ANYTHING I wanted, and she could NEVER repeat it to anyone, what would I say?
I thought a long time, started crying and said, "I'd probably rip this damn scissor-symbolism necklace off, throw it in her face and walk out. I'm too angry to say anything productive.
For the record, I was told NOT to do this in real life as that's kinda rude. However I was also told it's okay to angry at her. She's been a controlling, manipulative, passive-aggressive Mom. That doesn't mean she MEANT to do it. It just kinda happened, and like I said, with the family history, it was likely only a matter of time.
It's so funny that after being SO upset by how Craig's family acted during Christmas in 2006, I've come to see them as a highly functioning, open bunch. They just scream, take a nap and apologize later. I didn't get it at first, but after this year - I GET IT! No talking behind people's backs and little vendettas and competition over how big the gifts are for the kids...
Example: Oh, well, if Kathy gives each of our kids $40 each, then we should give Megan something that adds to the same amount - DID ANYONE ACTUALLY SAY THIS, OR WAS THIS JUST MADE UP BY MY MOM?
Christmas this year was so tame. Granted everyone was hungover and I was REALLY not in the Christmas spirit (and heavily sedated), but it was so organic it was hard not to have a great time. Plus I love all the siblings around. Crazy.
Anyway, the bottom line is, I believe my mother to be a passive-aggressive person hell-bent on keeping me closer than is possible. She used my disorder as an excuse to put all the weight on me rather than just saying, "I don't think you're ready to get married".
Are you mortified [for her] yet? You damn well should be.
I'm mailing her the necklace back. Whether or not it was from the One of a Kind 2006 or 2007 is irrelevant. It was a stupid and inexcusable gift given the circumstances.
So, that's it for now - the intensive twice per week sessions start next week. Soon I'll be dying to work just so I don't have to go to therapy!
Also, I'm not supposed to analyze Mom and her actions and how they relate to me anymore. Observe, take notes, but don't analyze. :-/ ...Dr. Madigan thinks I can't do that yet. I'll try though.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Fack, Feck, Fick, Fock... No Matter How You Say It
Running in circles,
Nowhere to go,
Taking like teens
and left feeling low.
I make him a "Monster"
but I'm just trying to explain
those words that he uses,
sometimes can pain.
He just doesn't get it,
or maybe he's tired.
I just hate waking up
with my feet on the fire.
I'll try to make good,
I'll try to play fair,
but I'm still just a crazy,
life's weight I can't bear.
Running in circles,
stuck nowhere again.
Stumbling on words,
and hoping this mends...
UPDATE: S'all good. :)
Nowhere to go,
Taking like teens
and left feeling low.
I make him a "Monster"
but I'm just trying to explain
those words that he uses,
sometimes can pain.
He just doesn't get it,
or maybe he's tired.
I just hate waking up
with my feet on the fire.
I'll try to make good,
I'll try to play fair,
but I'm still just a crazy,
life's weight I can't bear.
Running in circles,
stuck nowhere again.
Stumbling on words,
and hoping this mends...
UPDATE: S'all good. :)
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