blog down!

Um... the blog site is being shut down as I'm writing this so... NO POST FOR YOU!
(today)

Chillin' like an illin' villian.

Shivers, cramps, nausea and exhaustion. Sounds fun don't it? Craig and I are both under the weather. Not that I'd tell him that and risk making him feel worse.

On the upside, if this IS related to my anxiety, I have another appointment on Friday, then another on Tuesday and another next Friday (and the same the week after that). I'm not supposed to pathologize myself so much, but it's hard when you spend a couple days a week reviewing why you're weak.

I actually went through and updated my resume and cover letter today. For the first time, the thought of looking for a job didn't scare me to shit, so I figured I'd take advantage of this apparent burst of inner strength. On I go. Onward and upward.

Who wants to gamble on me? :-) I know there's someone out there who believes in people like I do.

...Now I just have to find where their office is. ;-)

Last few minutes

Well, as the last few minutes of the day run out there aren't many revelations from this particular day, besides:

1) Craig & I are solid no matter what. I can put my heart in that. He's even agreed to join me in therapy.
2) The fact I hurt may be my mother's fault, the fact I'm out of control is mine.
3) I cannot let being "broken" define who I am exclusively. We all come with baggage, mine's just a little heavier. That's okay. It doesn't make me who I am, just dresses me up a little.

Now, I'm going to try to sleep despite the fact my tummy is in knots. Stupid aunt flow. :-P

Another day dawns...

Well, having caught up on a couple of days worth of pictures and posts, I know there is much on my mind. The tension between Craig and I is becoming unbearable at times, leaving us snapping at each other over the stupidest things. We're losing our ability to fight constructively, partially because I have no will to fight or stand up anymore. I'm too tired for arguing. The constant rattle in my brain is enough, thank you very much.

I don't know what to do anymore, like life is slipping by and I'm grasping at the few remaining fibres, trying to hold them together with all the strength in my hands.

If Craig turned his back, I'd have nearly no one. No one who's trust I've earned and can rely on. I'd have to go back to my beloved smother... I mean mother! The thought that she would have me back in her life based on my inability to care for myself... it reinforces everything I think she wants out of me. I don't want to let her have it.

She responded to my email again but I haven't and won't read it. I don't really care what she thinks. Craig read it and responded... I wonder what was said but at the same time feel better just putting it out of my head. He's trying to protect me - just like she did.

I feel bad for hurting her... and yet, there's nothing good in that. I hate/am angry at her for what she did over the years no good in that either. Even in all my sadness that supposedly comes from her - I manage to have my brain spin it so it's all my fault. I don't think she understands that. And there's definitely no good to come from that.

I love the times... well, that's the sad part... there aren't many times I remember having fun and not feeling like I had to be "on". Buying clothes together, going for lunch... really it was always shopping related. We actually didn't share much of a sense of humour.... I don't remember laughing anymore. I know there must have been times... but the only time I remember was when we were outside telling stories about Dad right after he passed, watching the sunset. I remember crying at the same time though, so I'm not sure that counts.

The best thing I have in my life, I'm afraid of losing. But then again, people have a history of turning their back on me, and I tend to prepare for the worst.

As for now, I need to join my love in bed. It's late, and since we haven't killed each other yet, we may as well enjoy sleeping next to each other until the next lover's quarrel.

I love this man to death!

Post Script...

Drew (Rigden, #30) arrived with a handfull of the Men's Sledge Hockey Team this evening after their flight touched down at 5:36PM. It was well worth the hour long wait to see him, the look on his face says it all, "We're #1 baby!" ...and the bling isn't bad either! :-)

The family was there to embarass Drew with flags and signs after his Team Canada debut where he was credited with the only shut-out during the tournament! He certainly proved himself to a lot of people on this trip. And he's made a lot of people proud (especially his little brother)!

Of course, there were other team members there, including Goalie Paul Rosen who credited Drew with "trying to take [his] place", but went on to say that's a good thing... and there were other words of encouragement, but I won't start a gossip mill just yet.

We'll have to see if they continue to watch Drew as a major contender for the 2010 paralympics... I'm just throwing it out there... From http://www.hockeycanada.ca/ "...the Canadians, who got a 14-save-shutout performance from goaltender Drew Rigden (Kincardine, ON) in his first-ever appearance for the national team. ... Rigden made the most of his first start for Canada, making six saves in each of the first and third periods on the way to the shutout, quieting the pro-Japanese crowd of 250 at Taisetsu Arena."

Post Script...

This is how I would like to remember today: went to concert, had a blast. Low Level Flight proved they're more than the flavor of the week, they have solid talent behind some awesome songs. Even the new material went over well!

Low Level Flight (f. Ryan Malcolm of Candaian Idol fame) rocks out at the Diesel this evening!

Before we started the insanity. We were having a blast! And sporting new haircuts!

Instead, there was a blow up en route home and a melt down in my closet, and everything, is of course, fine as usual. I'm not sure how much more I can say. It was a typical spat. Just at a crappy time. Such is life. Que cera, cera.

Tonight, I blew my lid...

Kathy Doherty wrote:
I hope all is well with you and Craig. I think about you a lot and just wanted to check in.

Life is the same ole same ole for me.

Love

Mom

Megan Ball wrote:

How dare you?!
...act like everything is fine... like I want to speak with you.

...have you cancelled the wedding yet or are you still sitting on it so I can talk to Reg at Delta again? :-(

I'm glad life is the "same ole" for you ...do you EVER feel emotional pain?

I spend everyday in torture - screaming at walls, crying, throwing things.

...you don't seem to get that. You've got me to the point I'm "disabled" according to my docs. I have no money come March first, but my doctor says I can't look for work because I'm too unstable. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HEAR THAT?!

Craig yells at me everyday recently (over things that are usually money related) and I can't even blame him. I know what it's like to be with someone like me.

I hate myself. Whatever you thought you taught me about how to love myself, you did a shitty job.

I hope your therapy is going well.
Mine is shite. Not ever enough time for what I need to say.

One day, I'll stop being angry at you. I hope. But right now, I have nothing positive to say to you.

PS - I'll be mailing that necklace back to you, I really don't want something like that from my "Mom". That was the sickest thing to give and the worst message to send - if it WAS unintentional (and I DON'T believe it was), then it was just REALLY fucking stupid. It felt like the WORST head game yet.

PPS - My number has changed. I'll give you the new one when I can say your name without heart palpitations.

Me? Social?

Well, today will likely be spent running errands and tidying the house. We have a friend coming over tonight. One of Craig's old coworkers will be popping by late for beer and conversation. For some reason, having people in my home always makes me tense. Everything has to be perfect, I need to have everything my guests may need on hand.

Entirely unnecessary, especially when the person coming is a friend, yet still, there it is...

...memories of my mother yelling at my father cause Grandma was coming in an hour while blasting the stereo while she vacuumed and he quietly tried to watch the History Channel.
...memories of being at my first apartment and throwing a xmas party, I cleaned immaculately, made sure everyone got a gift, provided drinks and food for my guests, their guests and had enough left over for the following week.
...memories of getting ready for a girls night out where my closest friends pointed out how organized and overly-prepared I was.

So perhaps instead, later, I'll just take a sedative and enjoy the company. :-)

GO FOR GOLD, TEAM CANADA!!!

This morning while Craig and I were still fast asleep, my brother-in-law, Drew Rigden was playing with the Canadian Men's Sledge Hockey Team in Asahikawa, Japan. In case, like me, you were unfamiliar with the particulars of sledge hockey, "Sledge hockey is the Paralympic version of ice hockey and, since its debut on the Paralympic program at the 1994 Lillehammer Paralympic Winter Games, it is quickly becoming one of the biggest attractions for spectators at the Paralympic Winter Games. It is fast-paced, highly physical and played by male athletes with a physical disability in the lower part of the body." Taken from the Canadian Paralympic Committee/ International Paralympic Committee.

Anyway, they were finishing up the round robins this morning and Drew was put in in the second period to tend goal. From http://www.hockeycanada.ca/ "...the Canadians, who got a 14-save-shutout performance from goaltender Drew Rigden (Kincardine, ON) in his first-ever appearance for the national team. ... Rigden made the most of his first start for Canada, making six saves in each of the first and third periods on the way to the shutout, quieting the pro-Japanese crowd of 250 at Taisetsu Arena." We ended up winning the game 2-0, which advances us to the gold medal game, Saturday at 3am Eastern ST , 5pm local time. Sadly there's no coverage here, so we'll have to wait to hear how the last game goes down.

No matter what, the Canadian Men's Sledge Hockey Team is coming home with something!

If YOU want to be there to congratulate them, the Team will be arriving at:

Toronto's Pearson Int'l Airport, Terminal One (YYZ),

Sunday, January 27, 2008

5pm.

Drew Rigden's (#30) new "support our troops/always remember" helmet.

One side (above), depicts flanders field cross and poppy with rifle, while the other (below) shows the statue at Vimy Ridge.

GO TEAM CANADA!!!

WE'RE CHEERING FOR YOU A WORLD AWAY!

A letter to my biological sister...

Dear Beth,

I'll start by answering your questions:

I did see my Mom over Christmas. She stopped by to drop off gifts, but didn't want me to open them until Christmas. Things were okay until I opened it and found a jewelry box, but inside was a necklace with a charm of scissors on it. How's that for a nasty head game?

The wedding is effectively cancelled until Craig and I can get our financial act together. Sickness benefits are better than nothing, but he's working 50-55 hour weeks trying to pay his student debts off. As you know money truly can be the root of all evil. For all intents and purposes, I guess we're engaged with no firm date.

However, that being said I've been looking into civil ceremonies that only run about $400. Of course you will be the first to know! With my adoptive mother effectively out of my life, that's the God's honest truth. :-P

The next few days are a little hectic; friends over on Friday night, a concert Saturday and my brother-in-law is coming back with the Canadian Sledge Hockey Team from a tourney Japan on Sunday evening.

Plus the therapy. Whoa. Talk about an eye-opener yesterday...

My therapist basically tried to explain that my adoptive mother (conscious or not) has played a lot of head games with me over the years and handled my disorder inappropriately. As Dr. Madigan explained, it's hard to find fault with your parents when you've deified them for a long time, and she said it will be a long time until I can honestly come to grips with that.

Part of the surrounding issue is that I'm also highly judgemental of myself. As the doc put it, I judge myself on everything (and harshly) so that no matter what people may say about me, I can be prepared for it. This is something likely born out of being bullied at a young age. If you fit in and no one notices you, you won't get the crap kicked out of you. That was a hard one to accept. I guess I am my own harshest critic.

The doc loved hearing about you, too. She was amazed at how, despite our genetic similarities, your situation enstilled you with so much courage. I can't honestly say I could've have done what you did. You're a pretty tough chick. ;-)

So it's a little emotionally exhausting but I'm working through a lifetime of hidden thoughts, it's to be expected I suppose. :-) On the whole, life is good. I still have work to do, but I've always been okay with paying my dues. :-)

Love and Hugs to you lil' sis!

Megs (and Craig)

PS - We have steak in the freezer, pulled beef in the fridge and fresh fish and chips. Don't worry, I'm eating... just not huge portions and I'm trying to avoid my coke addiction (THE DRINK!) which in and of itself is terrible for me (10 tsp of sugar in a can?!). I'm healthy and with how often I see doctors I'm sure they'll let me know!

PPS - My doc wants me to start on the generic version of selexa which causes weight gain so even with the working out and diet, things may change! :-P

Meg and Beth, December 2008

Some Notes On Heath Ledger's Death

From TMZ.com

"Multiple sources in the NYPD tell TMZ, although it's too early to know, it's looking like Heath Ledger's death was accidental and not suicide.

There have been numerous reports suggesting that Ledger took his own life by ingesting a boatload of pills. Contrary to initial reports, the pills that were "scattered" around Ledger's apartment were actually in containers. We're told the containers were not littering the apartment. Rather, some were in the medicine cabinet and some in other rooms. As we reported, one container was on Ledger's nightstand. Cops found sleeping pills and an anti-anxiety drug in the bedroom.

A rep for the family tells TMZ that detectives have been in touch with Ledger's next of kin and the cops told them that so far there is no evidence suggesting suicide. Of course, until the toxicology reports come in, no one knows for sure.

A well-connected source in the NYPD told us this morning the "operating theory" right now within the department is that it was an accidental death, not suicide.

It's unclear if Ledger's health was a factor. As we first reported, he had pneumonia at the time of his death."


From CP24's live Television Coverage - 9:35am

Tracy Moore on CP24 reported this morning that since Heath's portrail of the disturbed and insane Joker for the upcoming Batman movie, "The Dark Knight", he had problems sleeping and had begun taking sleeping pills.


My Take:

The fact that both sleeping pills and anti-anxiety medication we're found IN CONTAINERS, suggests that the overdose was accidental, not intentional. Many anti-anxiety medications (like the ones I take) are sedatives and not to be used with sleeping pills. The autopsy will tell the whole story. It is scheduled for sometime today.

NOTE: The autopsy performed in NY earlier today yeilded inconclusive evidence and further results will be filed after 10 days once toxicology can confirm what was present in his system. An update from TMZ.com reported, "TMZ has confirmed two of the medications found at Heath Ledger's apartment were Xanax and Valium, both anti-anxiety drugs. Cops also found Ambien, along with several medications prescribed in Europe." This is starting to sound a little "Anna Nicole" for my liking. Why do you have SO many prescription meds laying around your place at the age of 28?

R.I.P. Heath Ledger

Heath Ledger, April 4, 1979 - January 22, 2008, Aged 28

Provided by: http://fametastic.co.uk

I had to make a note because, sadly, I see some of myself in these celebrities who find their own ways to tragic ends. Perhaps it's my own self destructive nature, but every time I hear one of these stories (Brad Renfro, who had multiple substance issues died just last week at 25), my stomach goes into knots.

I wish that I could talk to these people - and listen to hear what's really going through their heads. It all seems so close to what I feel sometimes... apparently, Heath had had no real influence from "adults" once he moved to LA, though TMZ reports he had a squeaky clean image, a friend close to him has now reported he has had problems in the past but had been able to get himself under control without rehab. Look how well that turned out.

Not to mention I have my own suspicions that Heath was a closested homosexual (to clarify: I'm not gay-bashing here), so if he had substance problems it kinda fits. Failed marriage (to Dawson's Creek's Michelle Williams), no one to lean on, custody issues with your child (who was a 'surprise', let's be honest), overworked and stressed (3 projects inside a year)... it starts to add up.

Now, perhaps, that masseuse was there because he was taking a spa day because he had a sore back. Maybe that's what the meds were for. Maybe it was just a freak allergic reaction to a pain killer. Maybe. But my heart tells me something different. And I hurt a little for those like him (Brad, Britney, Avril).

We're too young to be so self-destructive! Where do we start?

...where do I start?

"GiveMeaning.Com" or, "Why I hate the "Sun" newspapers"

Ever since I was little I took world issues classes. I loved pouring over articles from all different sources, but I love local papers. Something about the feel of a newspaper under your hands while you catch up on the more detailed news. Black finger prints on my coffee mug. And thus (for research purposes of course), I ranked them; Globe and Mail, Toronto Star, National Post (mostly because I hated Conrad Black) and last the Toronto Sun. Why was it last?

Was it the "sunshine girl" on page three (now the last page)? No.
Was it the inaccurate forecasts? No.
Was it the insane amount of advertising? No.
Was it the lack of content? A little... but mostly, no.

The real reason? My school DID NOT ALLOW us to us ANY Sun paper. The articles were written at "below average" reading comprehension, mostly based on opinion and not fact, thus it was inappropriate for use at grade 13 (OAC to Ontarians) level. There's a reason the format of the paper is a "tabloid" format, not like the other national papers.

"But, why do I care about your teenage news experience?" You ask.

Well, over the weekend a "gentleman" named Tom Newman I assume is a columnist and not free-lance for the Vancouver Sun (same beast, different head), armed with only 2 years of financial statements from the Canadian Revenue Agency, wrote an article and POSTED IT ON MY BLOG AS A COMMENT (rude, I am not here to give "journalists" a forum; this is MY forum). He stated a large laundry list of numbers, trying to explain that he feels Tom Williams CEO, a kid at 25 who gave up everything (including consulting with F500 companies), is a thief using charity as a 'guise.

He also commented "Con men con and life goes on. Still, people using charity as a cover to line their own pockets is not admirable." I'd like to know WHAT CREDENTIALS does Tom Newman have? Is he an accountant? Did he consult one in the writing of his article? Did he meet with or speak to any other internet charity sites like charityvillage.com?

CRA documents for 2 years (particularly when dealing with an internet start-up) do not a criminal make. It's people like Tom Williams that I make a habit to defend. People like Tre Smith, Toronto Humane Society's cruelty investigator. I stand up for people who are TRYING to HELP the world, yet seem to only get short shrift.

Besides, if I'm not mistaken, Tom Williams be MUCH better off at one of his Fortune 500 clients where he earned WAY more money doing consulting. About a quarter-mil American per annum, if I remember correctly. That seems like way easier money - and he didn't have to deal with stories like this.

This new line of work doesn't seem like a greedy personae to me. He got out of the rat race to make a difference.

It's a brilliant article, too (but I'm not encouraging any of you to read it). I can see why Tom Newman writes for the SUN. But then again that's just MY opinion.

PS - That's it for today. You'll have to wait for my adventures of the subconscious until tomorrow. Sorry! :-P

The one notable thing at the R.O.M.

The Queensland BLACK Star Sapphire is also called a "destiny stone", with the three main points on the star representing hope, faith and destiny. Star sapphires were also believed to help ward off ill omens and the Evil Eye. On display for the first time since 1969, until... (it SAID December 2007, we saw it on January 20, 2008)?

FROM: http://www.rom.on.ca/news/releases/public.php?mediakey=2k9td2lwct

"The dazzling sapphire was discovered by a young boy named Roy Spencer in the 1930s on the surface of the Reward Claim; he ran back to show his father Mr. Harry Spencer (one of the earliest miners in the Central Queensland Gemfields) who remarked, “Oh yes, a large black crystal” and threw it down by the back door. Some accounts claim the stone was used as a doorstop for many years. Neither realized the value of the sapphire until it was sold uncut in 1947 to jeweller Harry Kazanjian. It was later cut and polished, revealing a brilliant six-point star sapphire weighing 733 carats. In 2002, the gem was purchased by the present owners."
The other thing I noticed at the Museum was S P A C E . . . lots and lots of space. Which is odd as most of the exhibits that I enjoy seem to remain untouched. It seemed like there was nothing new besides the blight that is the Michael Lee Chin Crystal.

Even the crystal itself is poorly constructed; sharp edges running up stair wells, screws obviously sticking out, bad drywalling - it looks like a bunch of guys got drunk and said, "hey, how can we deface one of the grandest buildings in Toronto? Oh, I dunno, lets drywall the whole thing and use the old grand lobby as a sitting area! It's brilliant!!!"

Although, it WAS designed on a cocktail napkin. Any building imagined over drink-ee-poos should probably warrant another look. No, they go ahead, build it and print the sketch on limestone tiles and coasters. But maybe that's just my opinion. I mean, does this look like a seating area to you (see below)?

My point is, I became nostalgic for the building I once spent every weekend in and I suppose what they're trying to do is complete a renovation that will bring it through the future. It just didn't hit it with me. At least they've still got the mummies and dinosaurs we all love! :-)

And so now, tired and sore (Craig has started me training with a bokken - see below), I bid you adeiu and good night. Tomorrow I have ANOTHER therapy session where my unwillingness to take meds will be argued and I can learn more about how it's okay that I'm screwed up in the head because of my mother. Also, I have to focus on me... nothing helps you focus your aggression like swinging around a giant wooden sword!

Hi-ya!!!

Goin' to the R.O.M.

Courtesy of Craig's airmiles, we're on our way to hit the R.O.M. We're in a HUGE rush to get out of the apartment though I'll be sure to update when we get home. Hopefully I'll get some good pictures!

Taking a nap at 10pm - Most Haunted

Well, most of today was spent loafing around watching our various specialty channels (who would've thought I'd be a fan of the Military Channel).

However before we could relax, we spent a few hours pouring over hundreds of statements and pieces of paper that will likely lead to Craig's Student loan being written off. Three different agencies are trying to collect the same debt from him and thus, violating the responsibilities in their licence.

There was actually a laundry list of things they have done that are less than transparent business practices. I'll spare you the minutia. Time will tell on this one. The Ombudsman and Registrar are going to have to sort it out. Goodness knows that may take a awhile.

We ran some errands, played some Scrabble (aw, how domestic!), had steak and fried for dinner and a beer to finish things off. Not too bad if you ask me.

Now, I'm going to lie down in the hopes I can wake up in a couple of hours to watch "Most Haunted" on 'W' (Fridays at 10pm, Saturdays at midnight, cable channel 27 in Toronto, ON). They've caught ghosts on thermal imaging, have had wet footprints materialize out of nowhere and have objects thrown at them; objects relevant to people attached to building in the past (coins, rings, etc.). If you have a love of the paranormal, you should look this show up. It kicks unadulterated ass. Yvette Fielding (the host) and medium David Wells are our favourites. They get each other so excited/scared/hysterical that it's entertaining, even on less-productive estates.

SIDE NOTE: Dinner is always better when Craig cooks! :-P Although my pulled pork is on the menu in the next couple days... that always works out pretty well. *drools*

Did anyone get the license plate of that truck?

So I saw Dr. Madigan today. She said a lot of good things and I did a lot of crying and she was disgusted by the 'scissor' necklace charm I got for Christmas... which, for some reason, also upset me. (Wild, that.)

Hey, one thing I've been promising is to be extremely open!

I was asked today, if I had my mother in a room and I could say ANYTHING I wanted, and she could NEVER repeat it to anyone, what would I say?

I thought a long time, started crying and said, "I'd probably rip this damn scissor-symbolism necklace off, throw it in her face and walk out. I'm too angry to say anything productive.

For the record, I was told NOT to do this in real life as that's kinda rude. However I was also told it's okay to angry at her. She's been a controlling, manipulative, passive-aggressive Mom. That doesn't mean she MEANT to do it. It just kinda happened, and like I said, with the family history, it was likely only a matter of time.

It's so funny that after being SO upset by how Craig's family acted during Christmas in 2006, I've come to see them as a highly functioning, open bunch. They just scream, take a nap and apologize later. I didn't get it at first, but after this year - I GET IT! No talking behind people's backs and little vendettas and competition over how big the gifts are for the kids...

Example: Oh, well, if Kathy gives each of our kids $40 each, then we should give Megan something that adds to the same amount - DID ANYONE ACTUALLY SAY THIS, OR WAS THIS JUST MADE UP BY MY MOM?

Christmas this year was so tame. Granted everyone was hungover and I was REALLY not in the Christmas spirit (and heavily sedated), but it was so organic it was hard not to have a great time. Plus I love all the siblings around. Crazy.

Anyway, the bottom line is, I believe my mother to be a passive-aggressive person hell-bent on keeping me closer than is possible. She used my disorder as an excuse to put all the weight on me rather than just saying, "I don't think you're ready to get married".

Are you mortified [for her] yet? You damn well should be.

I'm mailing her the necklace back. Whether or not it was from the One of a Kind 2006 or 2007 is irrelevant. It was a stupid and inexcusable gift given the circumstances.

So, that's it for now - the intensive twice per week sessions start next week. Soon I'll be dying to work just so I don't have to go to therapy!

Also, I'm not supposed to analyze Mom and her actions and how they relate to me anymore. Observe, take notes, but don't analyze. :-/ ...Dr. Madigan thinks I can't do that yet. I'll try though.

I'm baaaaack!

Yes, I know yesterday's last words must have been somewhat troubling, but alas, I'm still here...

...and the gawd dang fire alarms are still going off!!! As soon as they started up today it felt like they'd been on all night. Insta-headache! It's that wonderful time of the new year where fire inspection agencies make a bunch of money checking that smoke alarms and fire alarms are working. At least I won't get burned to a crisp!

...it should be noted I'm on the second floor and live next to the access stairwell. :-P

Another day, though as today draws to a close, I wonder what emotional heartbreak awaits me at my visit with Dr. Madigan tomorrow. Those are always fun visits. Yippee.

If you don't know me, that was sarcasm. I'm not looking forward to it. Even though I'll likely feel better a few days later once everything is thought out.

...ugh, I said I was "committed" to therapy. Guess it's the same as being committed to Craig. Ups, downs, crying, compromise and relief. Seems about right. :-)

As for today... I feel like taking a nap... but instead, I'm going to run errands and catch some 6 o'clock news.

The Story of an Openly Broken Girl

Okay... so, remember I was promising that insight, yesterday? Well, it took a week and 3 songs and A LOT of time learning how to use Microsoft Movie Maker, but I did it. The story of the openly broken girl is out on my YouTube account for all to see (see 'the video bar', bottom right or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mi4J0bW65zc).

By breaking away from the family (as hard as it has been), I've been able to be me. Perhaps that's part of my problem. I was raised to be SO conscious of what others thought of me, my endevours, my shape, my etiquette... coupled with my genetic propensity for anxiety (still got my verbosity), it was likely only a matter of time before there was a meltdown.

The problem lays with mostly with me and I'm very aware of that. However, there is a ribbon of denial, gossip and resentment that runs through so many in my family (and even some of my friends), that I simply can't deal with after all of this.

Meds screwing with my brain chemistry, money woes because I'm not allowed to work, emotional stress from "dealing" with these issues, it all adds up and the one person I would normally trust, I've come to see as my abuser. I find myself crying and wishing that Dad was here. Even typing this, my hands have started to shake.

No "gets it", except maybe my youngest cousin Kimmy and she's just coming to a stage (13, I think) where she needs stable people around her. Not to mention the family has made it clear where they stand.

Things like this are private. Family matters shouldn't be publicized, lest someone actually see me for who I am.

You're depressed?
Try smiling!

You're anxious?
Try drugs!

You're broke?
Beg to the family coffers!

*smacks head*

I give up guys. I do. I'm sorry for the hurt she must feel. I am, it kills me - but this is about preservation of self. I need to watch out for that more than anything right now. Lest I down my pills and take an extended nap.

Love to those who love.

And so it goes...

Finally, the calls are going to stop. The last of my outstanding debts was paid today, so while I'm totally broke, I'm also feeling a bit better. Although, my stomach has been off for a couple of days; if it's not one thing getting me, it's another.

*NOTE: Conall just ripped a stuffed toy to shreds under my feet - I must pay more attention to the little guy. He's like a toddler who just gets into trouble for the fun of it.*

Yesterday I finally managed to get my to do list accomplished. All, save the photos which I finished off this morning. All are named and cropped and blurred in the appropriate places. ...I'm kidding, by the way, folks. Just my way of attempting cuteness.

At any rate, the snow is starting to come down again, so Conall will be eager to get into it. There are a few projects around the house I'd like to hop on as well. And I should get to the gym.... it's just that since New Years, the place is never empty when I go. I can't wait until every one's enthusiasm dies down and I can go by myself.

Recently, my writing has been more of a cheating; listing my daily routine without much poetic forethought. I'm going to make a conscious effort to put myself into the grey a little more. We'll get away from "My So-Called Life" and get more towards some real insight. Sounds good, no?