Okay... so, remember I was promising that insight, yesterday? Well, it took a week and 3 songs and A LOT of time learning how to use Microsoft Movie Maker, but I did it. The story of the openly broken girl is out on my YouTube account for all to see (see 'the video bar', bottom right or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mi4J0bW65zc).
By breaking away from the family (as hard as it has been), I've been able to be me. Perhaps that's part of my problem. I was raised to be SO conscious of what others thought of me, my endevours, my shape, my etiquette... coupled with my genetic propensity for anxiety (still got my verbosity), it was likely only a matter of time before there was a meltdown.
The problem lays with mostly with me and I'm very aware of that. However, there is a ribbon of denial, gossip and resentment that runs through so many in my family (and even some of my friends), that I simply can't deal with after all of this.
Meds screwing with my brain chemistry, money woes because I'm not allowed to work, emotional stress from "dealing" with these issues, it all adds up and the one person I would normally trust, I've come to see as my abuser. I find myself crying and wishing that Dad was here. Even typing this, my hands have started to shake.
No "gets it", except maybe my youngest cousin Kimmy and she's just coming to a stage (13, I think) where she needs stable people around her. Not to mention the family has made it clear where they stand.
Things like this are private. Family matters shouldn't be publicized, lest someone actually see me for who I am.
You're depressed?
Try smiling!
You're anxious?
Try drugs!
You're broke?
Beg to the family coffers!
*smacks head*
I give up guys. I do. I'm sorry for the hurt she must feel. I am, it kills me - but this is about preservation of self. I need to watch out for that more than anything right now. Lest I down my pills and take an extended nap.
Love to those who love.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment