Life Happens

Have you ever tried to apologize for something and it all comes out so screwed people think you're worse than when you started? Welcome to my day.

I couldn't fix the couch the way he liked. That's how this all started. Right now I'm ready to run my fist through a wall... had I not tried that only 2 months ago. Hurts a lot more than the emotional pain.

Then he said something and while I heard him, I didn't respond. I was edgy from the way he'd reacted over the couch, and the comment was about a show I was watching on TV... a statement I agreed with. I didn't realize that this silent treatment was the same as the ones he has already complained about.

I hate conflict; I'd do anything to avoid it. Instead I ended up accidentally instigating myself into a black hole.

I wrote an apology for my part and went for a walk.

"I am tired.
I am sorry that I'm so inconsiderate.
I am sick of feeling like my brain is defective. (add-in: does God take returns?)
I am irritated that you're always right.
I hate that my feeling inadequate makes you get down on yourself.
I don't hate you, just your attitude sometimes.
I don't look down on you or ride a high horse,
those times you've said I have, have been times I felt the lowest.

"I love you.
You're everything to me.
You hold me when I cry, give direction when I have none.
You love me when it seems like no one else will.
You make me want to be better than I am. (add-in: or hope to be)

"You have all of my apologies and all of my pride.
Neither of us are perfect, but I still think we're perfect for each other.
Even now."

I came back afterwards to more of the same BS. We yelled. I excused myself from a trip to help his parents. We yelled more. I sat. I cried more.

Some of the things I had blurted out may have been more than just angry ranting. I am a depressed person. Not all the time, not to the point of instability anymore, but I do feel like garbage compared to my excelling fiance. Some of my ramblings included quips like:

"You're always right... You can find hard evidence for any argument we get into... I can't remember anything... We fight over the same things because of my inability to rationally deal with conflict... When we fight your always think I'm trying to make you the bad guy... Do you think I like it that I ignore you without realizing it? That I make the man I love feel like crap? It kills me..."

Perhaps I'm no better than the school-yard bully. Maybe I'm so mired down with my own feelings of stupidity, worthlessness and self-loathing that I transfer those feelings onto Craig. I assume he feels all those things for me, and when he gets angry, it validates those feelings.

He thinks I'm stupid, unattractive, unworthy of him. Who could blame him.

Oh... okay, none of that's TRUE... but it all seems to add up. And throw on to that the mean things that get said during any lover's quarrel and it's a recipe for emotional turmoil. And then his yet un-apologized quote from last weeks tiff rings through my ears:

"You're just like your mother. The sad part is, you don't see it."

And then I get angry again. More crying.

The tears dry.

I catch my breath.

I realize he may be right, although that doesn't excuse the way or intent that came with the way he said it. Hurting the one you love is NEVER okay. But if the hurt wasn't intentional, if it can be worked through and made right, then it can make you stronger.

I just hate the waiting in between. I guess it's a down day, today. But that's a-okay. Life happens.

Things are coming along!

Well, more resumes made their way into employers hands and the house has been cleaned. With the major chores out of the way (and a local interview under my belt), we took Conall to Station Beach to learn how to have fun in the water. Set to Pete Townsend's, "Let My Love Open The Door" it was an adorable kodak moment!

home sweet, sweet home.

If you can reach Nirvana...

I am in heaven here.

Granted, I'm not working yet so life is pretty stress free, but am I ever at home in this small town.

I don't have tones of time to write as we are getting the 'net next week, but in the meantime, know I made it here, I'm happier than ever and the pets are thrilled to have so much room to run around.

This is where I'm meant to be. I think it may be genetic.

Life here is honest. I love it.

We're packing up and moving on!

Well we're getting ready to pack up the Uhaul and load our things for the big journey. No more being crushed on the TTC, no more being hit by said Transit vehicles, no more stress from our slum lords or stepping in dog crap in our hallway. No more. We're cashing in and getting out.

I can't wait to see how the next few days will go. I'm sure they'll be stress, maybe even name calling. But 3 bedrooms and a yard is a wonderful bonus. Get me outta here! Let's blow this popcicle stand!

It's all so bizarre!

Most of my worldly possessions are in boxes. Craig and I are preparing for Tuesday's move ahead of schedule, since we'll be picking up the moving truck a day ahead of time.

For the past few days we've split our time between hanging out watching documentaries, arguing over the state of Tibet on Facebook and rooting through our things, sorting the movable from the trash.

I gave my old, "fat" clothes to the Value Village and gave my fish to a 10 year old girl. I've thrown out 4 garbage bags of things from my past that aren't necessary for me to have anymore. The things I've kept have been sorted and packed into labelled boxes - just so they'll be easier to relocate.

Our poor pets think the world is coming to an end. Little do they know they're making the long journey with us!

Our friends are throwing a BBQ to say goodbye. Proof that while I may be over this city, it's home to people I'll miss dearly.

I love all the opportunity that the next few days hold. The excitement of a new chapter begining. The start of something big. It's daunting and even little frightening, but it'll be worth it in the end.

ArrivaderLa!

Things are coming along... :-) FINALLY!

Welcome to my house... Okay, it's Max Rybinski's house... but we rent it! :-)

Oh, happy day! Kincardine, here I come!!!

Okay it's been a while... again...

See, here's the thing, moving last minute is hard.

Not to mention I've been approached to model for a friend's clothing line, our dog is getting neutered in two days, I just gave away two gold fish I had for 4 years, we're trying to close a deal on a three-bedroom townhome and of course there's the normal headaches that come with packing all of your belongings and throwing others out (or in my case giving them to charity).

We've bought a bike, I'm days away from going to get my G1 and the house has turned into a pig sty.

I can't wait to blow this popcicle stand. I'm so over this city.

...nor can I wait to know what my new address is going to be... this is killing me!