Made it to the Pit

Not that I'd do it... I'm too much of a coward... but at this moment, I have nothing, no one and I want to die. Just putting it out there.

EDIT: That was before I made a hole in my bathroom wall roughly the size of my fist and Craig in response TRIED to put his fist through a concrete wall, but that didn't go so well. He's enroute to Toronto Western to be casted. Idiot. Don't get me wrong, both were stupid things to do, but at least I can type with two hands. Now I need to figure out if it was okay that he asked about hitting me before he hit the concrete wall - I invited him to give me a black eye...

...you know what, it was better his knuckle, than my right eye. No one wants a receptionist that looks like she's been 10 rounds with Mohammed Ali.

Post Script

Job interviews are lining up, my confidence is gaining and I'm actually excited about the prospect of work again. With my attitude change, people are taking more notice of me and it seems like something may happen soon! I'll be keeping my fingers crossed.

Positively Positive

Well, therapy does help. I'll never speak out against it.

Everytime I come home recently, I feel like the weight is a little lighter, and the sun's a little brighter... know what I mean? The world is looking up. I'm taking responsibility for what's mine, assigning blame where it's due, and best of all, trusting in ME. No mom to speak her 2 cents on everything I do. Day in, day out I can just be me and appreciate it. I can love who I am.

For a woman who professed that was the one thing she tried to teach me, she had surefire ways for keeping me down. Like choosing my clothes, telling me I was too fat, being condescending rather that uplifting. Focused solely on the harm I've caused in life, rather than the fact I was supposedly what she'd always wanted. A child. Not a friend, or a Barbie Doll to show off.

I love how I'm starting to feel. I hate the fact I may never speak to her again. But it's helping me, and if it helps me for now, then I have to honour that.

I've been looking for work all morning and am about to take a break from the computer. It feels good to really be excited about going out - not scared or anxious.

I'm gonna make it after all. And then everyone can bite me. ;-)

Another Day, Another Session

Well, it's tuesday so that means another therapy session. Craig will be meeting me there again. Then I'll get to come home, and clean, clean, clean. It seems like a never ending circle when you have 3 shedding pets!

I'm tired again today, the effects of the pills seems to be wearing off and sleep is much easier to come by. Other than that, I have few complaints. I'm feeling more social, more feisty, more myself. Maybe I'll wear my One woman army shirt today. :-) We're even having people over and I'm enjoying entertaining again.

The weather in Toronto is so bizarre these days. There's a layer of ice on the ground which has now been covered with thick, fluffy "lake-effect" snow. I must leave some extra time to get to my appointment today, I'm sure the busses will be running at a snails pace, but I'm sure as heck not trying to walk over snow covered ice. Not with two trick knees! That would be asking for trouble. ...and when I ask for trouble I usually get it.

Now I must go and brave the cold. Wish me luck!

Time off...

So I took the weekend off, shoot me. :-P

I spent the whole weekend hanging out with Craig, ran a few errands, groomed all the animals, had a couple friends over, thoroughly cleaned the house and took in some great programming on TVO and the BBC...

I think that's how you really know you're growing up. Suddenly, you'll find public broadcasting entertaining, and it's frightening really. ...Of course, I'm only joking, public broadcasting is both intellectually stimulating and veryenjoyable.

Today, I've already finished filing my tax documents with the CRA, soon I'll be off to do laundry and maybe hit the gym. Unfortunately, I'm totally exhausted right now. Not near enough sleep and the remains of that stomach bug = ew/ick/blech.

...I also should submit a few more job applications. I fear no one wants me! The last resort will be my going in to work for Craig at Veritude/Fidelity. They're good to their people if you're good to them and everyone who works there seems to love it. Hey money is money. Gotta make a buck somehow.

I am WAY too tired for this.

Severe pain shooting down my right side.
Bathroom trip after bathroom trip... you REALLY don't wanna know.
I feel like someone beat me up in my sleep.

And as much as I am DYING to lay down and quietly cry the pain away... it's therapy day. So my body has to take second shift to my head. There's a walk-in nearby her office, I may just stop in on the way home rather than suffer this a few more days.

...that and kidney infections can be fatal and all that. Probably good to be seen by someone.

EDIT: I forgot my therapist used to be a general practitioner so she ended up working me over in the therapy room and gave me advice: stay flat, stay hydrated but go easy on fluids, and if there is any fever or sudden increase in pain, go to an E.R. I swear the woman knows everything! She said it's likely a bug that needs to run it's course (as I was afraid of), but told me the warning signs of an appendix rupture JUST in case. That'll make you sleep easy. ;-)

Thoroughly exhausted

The day started with a BANG. Craig and I fighting over Dina Pugliese (SP?) on Breakfast Television. We both lothe her and yet she STILL manages to start fights between us with her air-headed, unplanned, rambling commentary. Just once I'd like to see Kevin Frankish smack her upside the head... JUST ONCE.

I tried to stop the fight by dropping my argument which Craig immediately picked out as something I did when my mother and I would fight. That sent me into a downward spiral of crying and hopelessness (of course, it was early so my meds weren't in my system, yet). Which went on into a horrid bout right before he had to leave for work. He had offered to stay and apologized for upsetting me (like it was even his fault) but I insisted he get out the door. With the weather as it is, I knew they'd need him.

After he left, I was still crying for a while, realizing my mother has no idea or want to take responsibility for the head games she's played on me over the years. Everything nice she's ever done for ME was to make HER look good. And when I didn't look good, she was not exactly the 'caring' type.

Because of this, I just want to get away. Craig and I are making new friends and making a 3 year plan for our move to Europe. But according to Craig in her last email she did offer me money. Maybe I'll take her up on it. If she doesn't want to see me married and trust in my (and Craig's) adult decisions, then she just doesn't have to see me. Period.

I got my taxes done and thankfully the refund will JUST cover what I owe the government. So it all worked out. Big load of bricks gone there.

Also, at about 3pm my neighbours yapping little dogs started into a cacaphony of barking (I love animals, but these things are out of control). I left a four page letter on their door asking them to read the letter and "consider their options". I also said in no uncertain terms that I do not want to get the rental office or animal control in to investigate... they just need to discipline their dogs and give them boundaries. At the end of a long article on Caesar Millan's techniques I also offered the websites of Caesar's clinic, a canadian trainer, Brad, from "At The End Of My Leash" as well as the last resort shock collar should everything else fail. I hate training methods like that but by looking at the owner I'm guessing she's too lazy to bother working with the poor animals. It's so damn frustrating.

Other than that little note, from 10am until now, I've been hurriedly working on a slew of stuff for the anti-affricentric school rally on March 7th. I likely won't be able to attend, myself, but I am more than happy to help the organizers who seem a little overwhealmed at all this. The thing with protests is no one understands how much work is involved until you screw it up. Did that once and now I have a lot of experience under my belt. Plus, helping on a cause you're passionate about does help the ego.

So far we have: posters, internet banners, a draft schedule, a draft press release and flyers will be made shortly. It's a never ending stream of work. I can see how someone who works and goes to school would find it a little too taxing on their time.

Now of course, I'm exhausted both emotionally and physically and Craig will be home early tonight. Crap. I need to get dinner sorted out. LOL It never ends!!!

Here's hoping the day can slip out with a whimper. *prays* PLEASE!!!

The Taxman Cometh!

Well, it's that wonderful time of year again when people shudder and stack up their prescription receipts and donation records to file their taxes. As I was audited twice in two years (the recent one saying I owe over $700), I'm a little apprehensive about doing it myself. Nonetheless, it's not like I have much of choice. I'll likely use TurboTax as they have an "audit meter" to measure how likely you are to be audited. Any help is good help.

Other than that, I've been "off" most of the day. Although my head is feeling better than ever, my body is having some not-so-fun reactions. However, I also suspect it may be withdrawl from the sedatives I was on. They're described as highly addictive, and according to my nauseated stomach and shakey hands, the pharmacists may be right. Either way, I have to stop taking them, so I have to deal with this on one side or the other. It may as well be now when I'm LOOKING for work, rather than when I'm trying to get the job done.

Craig has spent the last couple of days at home sick, too, so I can't discount we're suffering a weak bug of some sort. He used the time to download and burn a series of "The Football Factory" and "The Real Football Factories". It started as a book about hooliganism in English Football and was turned into a movie. The success of the movie spawned the series aired on Nation Geographic Channel which in the first season covered England and the UK and the second went International.

The bottom line is I'm watching stuff on football and enjoying it. There's one playing in the bedroom right now, so I'm going to go watch...

...what's wrong with me? Enjoying sport?! This is bizarre! LOL

In other news, I've now lost the 50 lbs I wanted and have hit my target weight. The key now will be making sure I don't gain it back or dip too much lower. I don't want to end up anorexic! But do check out the new banner pictures! :-) Woot, woot!

Realization:

I'm angry most of the time. And that's okay. Fierce anger can be harnessed to do many positive things.

I'm starting to feel like a fighter again. Like my one woman army.

Eat it, world. That's all you get today.

1, 2, 3... Sick and tired!!!

Today is a bad day. I can tell. Three indicators of a bad day:
1) you wake up sick after 4 hours of actual sleep
2) you have a filthy home in need of cleaning
3) you're quitting smoking today.

Any one of these things could, in fact, lead to a bad day. And I've got them stacked up like a grocery list.

All I want to do is:
1) lay under about 20 blankets
2) nap and;
3) drink broth.

Instead, I get to:
1) clean
2) run errands
3) take care of the animals (re: walk the dog, clean cat poo, feed them, etc) AND;
4) try to get dinner ready by the time my man gets home.

...And he's not working overtime tonight so the clock is ticking!

GOTTA GO!

Thanks, MeHarmony!

Since they were doing a "review your matches for free" weekend on eHarmony.com, we thought we'd have a laugh and see if we match up, seeing as we'll be spending the rest of our lives together.

The result?

Well, we both found out there are lots of other people who would like to be with us, but apparently, we're just not meant to be. Who knew?!

*laughs hysterically* Way to go Dr. Neil Clark Warren!

I could make any two people compatible if I had a system set up like that too! A bunch of single people looking for "the one" then going through "guided communication" to meet them... being told to "keep an open mind" throughout the site. Yeah, I bet it works out a good deal of the time, cause people are getting to know each other before meeting! What a concept! I thought that died out in the 1950's...

Anyway, it makes me laugh that who I consider to be my soul mate and I aren't compatible. I guess sometimes opposites do attract.

NOW WATCH THIS: http://youtube.com/watch?v=LVk16vf8u44

Back to basics... the SSRI

Well, the new SSRI's are starting to do their thing and I'm not 100% sure how I feel about it. Generally I feel good. I'd almost call it a buzz, except that this is supposed to be what normal feels like. Happy? Is that the word I'm looking for?

PRO: my mind doesn't race, much like on the sedatives.
CON: I can't stop moving, twitching, tummy rumbling.
PRO: I have more energy.
CON: my eyes still feel tired.
PRO: I'm writing more.
CON: I'm itchy all over, arms, knees, wrists - annoying!
PRO: my sleep is better.
CON: I don't know what to do with all the quiet in my head. :-P
PRO: I look pretty good now-a-days.
CON: this treatment might make me gain weight.

So really, on the whole, I suppose it adds to a positive thing.

Although I'm sure this will take a little getting used to. My brain has been so unbalanced for so long, I'm sure they'll be some adjustment... which is why I'm so glad I have Dr. Madigan twice a week right now. She's watching me like a hawk. Super therapist who's up to date and always doing new training, but always has time for those who need her. Good egg.

I could speak to how much time I'm putting in on the Black-Focused School debate, but I've been doing so much I don't want to spend another word on it. :-)

I'm going to try to relax the rest of the day away, knowing I stop smokng tomorrow (yes, again) and have a hell of a day of cleaning as well. Well, at least my hands will be busy - as will my head, trying to figure out what to blog about!

The "Black School" Debate

NOTE: it's really 2am on Sunday.
Okay, it's late. Really late. But the new meds are making me a little gittery and thus, the late-night post. Now, nothing extraordinary happened today - not to me, but there is an issue I feel strongly about that is wracking my last nerve (those of you who read this blog know I have too few as it is).

COLES NOTES VERSION OF EVENTS:

The Toronto District School Board has voted to open an africentric school to help combat the high levels of drop-outs among black students. The school is to be run primary by black instructors (or so the board has led the public to believe), to be populated primary by black students (but of course, all are welcomed), and have an "afri-centred" curriculum (whatever the heck that is).

A test curriculum was put into place quite successfully in a few classes and based on this a new school will be created. The late-night vote was 11 to 9. One of the black board members who tried to vote it down was assaulted afterwards while trying to give an interview.

The public heard the next morning, saw the images from the meeting and for the large part, are enraged. The online polls I've seen have put the numbers anywhere from 7% - 20% FOR the schools and 80% - 93% AGAINST. The provincial government has stated it's opposition, but says the board is operating within it's jurisdictions.

The dollar figures are $850,000 to get this up and running. $850,000 when the Toronto District School Board is operating on a 41 million dollar deficit. The province has said in no uncertain terms it will NOT provide the board more money for this project and it must find the money within it's own budget (which means schools elsewhere in the board must be losing funding). Compare this to a parent giving a child allowance; you can get whatever you want, but once it's gone, don't look back for more.

To be fair, it should be noted there is a gay/lesbian focused alternative school and a native alternative school. Both have been received well. There is also an "afri-centric" private school open.

WHY I HAVE A SAY:

I can see why, on the surface, particularly white people like myself, would want to stay out of this issue. It's not our place, let the "community" decide for itself. This is just the first issue to deal with. Yes, it IS my business. It's my tax money. It's my school system, where I went, where my children may go. It's the system I went to school in. ...And most importantly these are some people who shaped who I am today. They helped make me who I am. Thus, I DO feel the need to speak my piece and stand and be counted.

MY TAKE:

I went to Forest Hill C.I. and it didn't get much whiter (or Jewish) than that. 4 teachers of any colour (two of them were indian) and probably about as many black students. Deanna was my best friend in grade 9. We ran into each other in that lonely fear you have in a school of people different from you. Greg was the class clown but never a bad influence... he'd just manage to be around you when it happened. Moishe was one of the cool kids so I never really got to know him beyond school, but a great guy (I was far down the food chain, by the way). Had I not met these people I wouldn't be the person I am. I doubt I would be as accepting of people of colour. I wouldn't have known any. I was brought up in Leaside (WASP! I hate bugs!). :-P

School is a preparation for life. If there was an africentric school, and I was a black youth that felt like I didn't fit in, I may want to go there. But then I wouldn't have met Deanna. Who knows how many "mostly" white schools will look like KKK rallies if this school opens. It scares me to think of people not getting to know each other. Getting to know them, their families, backgrounds. What happens on graduation day when they're off into the real world? Africentric colleges? Africentric employers?

I saw a statement from a black student that used to go to a "historically black college" in Mississippi he said something to the effect of, I don't care who my teacher is or what my curriculum is, if I want to learn, I'll put the effort in and learn. I also spoke via email with a woman whose (beautiful) bi-racial children will never set foot in that school because she and her spouse feel it's segregation and against his (and her) values. I've heard from my fiance's work colleaugue, that feels to not prepare teenagers for life in the "cubicle" world, where you will work with people of ALL colours, is criminal.

Please note I have looked up the word "segregation". It is a noun meaning "forced apart or forced to separate".

This of course also doesn't address the fact that not everyone who is black is "afri"-anything. My fiance has a good friend who considers himself an islander and intentionally will not refer to himself as "african-canadian", he's never been there, he can't trace his roots there, why would he describe himself as such? Much like I have Irish blood, but I'm very much Canadian.

And onto my next point. We are ALL EQUALS UNDER THE LAW. So far as I am concerned, everyone (including the natives and gay/lesbian communities) should be in school together. Those are your formative years and not having those influences is silly when we are trying to build a cohesive society with everyone coming together in PEACE.

I also believe part of the problem is the lack of after school programs to keep kids interested in school but that's a whole other thing I'm NOT getting into. Sorry!

...SO IN THE END:

The public outcry since the event has been astounding. As I mentioned about the polls, people are by and large: pissed. And now, even with these numbers, I'm still being asked why I should care. I don't understand why they don't.

I'm glad my children will likely be raised in europe where I can teach them about other cultures by taking a train on a weekend trip. Cut out the middle man.

Now, though, I'm tired... It's 2:45 am... time to go.

Pandora's Box Explained.

My family can print this and use it as a mad-libs of emotional outpouring. Pick the appropriate word for your position and AWAY YOU GO! Enjoy!

Dear / Friend / Aunt / Uncle / Cousin / Second Cousin / Third Cousin (select one),

I'm sorry my actions have made my mother, your / friend / sister /aunt / great aunt / cousin / second cousin (select one) feel so / angry / hurt / upset / betrayed /overjoyed / off the hook (select one). It has taken me a lot of therapy to begin sorting through the pandora's box she opened after cancelling the wedding due to a / change of heart / fear that her daughter's crazy /we're not having kids /stock market crash (select one). I cannot speak to her until I am able to define who I am and support myself without her controlling every aspect of my / life / love life / future / past (select one...or all in this case).

I need YOU to know that I am not a person who strives for weath or power. I don't want it. With power and money, often come immorality and loss of ethics (don't even get me started on this). I would rather be a social activist barely making ends meet than hold any position where my decisions can negatively impact on the planet and people.

Call me a / bohemian / "arteeste" / eutopian-nutter / crazy lady (select one), but that is who I am. I don't feel you all necessarily respect that of me, but I'm not changing. And true, you may just think I'm /ill / sick / damaged / in need of a rubber room (select one), but how sick can someone be when they see their therapist twice a week and take their meds. I'm working on it, but instead of respect for my treatment, people keep pestering me.

If I haven't emailed you - I don't want to hear from you / Friend / Aunt / Uncle / Cousin / Second Cousin / Third Cousin (select one) - unless you're Katie or Beth (or any other Daly/Lusk family member).

side note: Sorry about the lapse ladies, I owe you both a call.
I'm a model of how someone who thinks they're worth nothing can start to prove to themselves that they're worth everything in the world. And I don't need to prove it to you / Friend / Aunt / Uncle / Cousin / Second Cousin / Third Cousin (select one), just to me... so back the "F" off before I actually decide that disowning everyone is best. It's a mighty thin line these days.

My plans for the future (next 5 years) will be moving away (the U.K., then to Australia) and I hope that I can have a meaningful goodbye when that happens. I'm just very aware that the main feeling I still harbour is anger. I want my mother to BEG for my forgiveness. That's trite and selfish, too, but I can't help what I'm feeling. I want a real "I'm sorry", not just offered in a necklace shaped liked scissors - what kind of mother gives that as a gift at a time like this? Jane? Mary? Mary Lou? Carol? Anyone?

A year ago, my mother was best friend and I couldn't have said a bad word about her if I tried. Now I can't think of her without becomming enraged to the point of breakdowns. She doesn't care. She never did. She never wanted me. She wanted the status symbol ...and the little girl inside me is still pissed off about it.

I thought Dad was 'slow' cause he was always so quiet around me. But he loved me from the second he held me. He called me his little angel and cried for almost a day after they got me... My mother was like a stone (HER INTERPRETATION GIVEN TO ME MULTIPLE TIMES). Like, "Oh, look, my parcel has arrived". He was there after school, swimming lessons, taking me to choir practice even though he didn't go to church... and I know mom made sacrifices like coming to school with me EVERYDAY for 3 months (but that's probably just one more reason I'm insane in the brain).

As a result of all this, / Aunt / Uncle / Cousin / Second Cousin / Third Cousin (select one if applicable), I can't deal with her and as a result, most of you. It's not that I don't care for you, but I have lost my trust and faith in the family I once felt sheltered in. The majority of you are judgemental, calculating and cold a lot of the time - but at least you're not selfish. Either way, / Aunt / Uncle / Cousin / Second Cousin / Third Cousin (select one if applicable), I'm too fragile for any of you right now.

I'm sorry if you feel like I'm turning my back or that I don't care, because that's simply not the case. The fact of the matter is I / love you / respect your life and choices / miss you dearly (select one or all of the above). I just have to figure out myself and who I want to be without my mother and familial influence.

I've been Pinocchio without a puppeteer for a few months now, and NOW I'm just trying to be a "real boy".

One day, I won't just be an openly broken girl. But for now, I'm afraid you all just have to accept it.

With respect and love (and a hint of frustration),

Megs.