New Years Eve...

As I let 2007 slip between my fingers like grains of sand, I encourage anyone reading this to watch the YouTube link below... RIGHT to the end.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=MpFfLO9cSRc

"One day
you have to let it go,
have to let it go.
And one day,
you'll stand up on your own,
stand up on your own, oh."

Better than any church hymn I've ever heard.

I may take a few days into the new year off, but I'll be back!

Goals and what not...

Well, I'm off on the job hunt again, but as I sit going through my resume I'm more worried about my weight.

I've surpassed my goal of 125lbs and an quickly plummetting towards 120. Something even mom seemed to notice, although she thought I looked healthy... So long as my appetite comes back I'll be fine, my problem is I'm so used to smaller portions now I don't have much interest in food 90% of the time... Unless it's junk.

Anyway, the next thing with getting on the job hunt is hanging around my neck like an "albacore". I should hop on it now that the resume looks like something an intelligent person might have.

BEFORE & AFTER

Sometimes you just have to ask...

I forgot to mention Conall loves his bed...

---------------------------------------------------------
Hey Mom,

Well, I have to admit, I'm exhausted after a long day of running around.

Craig and I were able to use Gary and Freya's giftcard to buy a storage shelf for above our toilet. We'd been talking about getting one, but as you can imagine, it wasn't a possibility. I attached a picture (I have a feeling I've misplaced Freya's email address again). Please send our thanks!

We also went to get Conall more treats as he was hobbling once again this morning. It turned out to be rock saltstuck in his paw. I don't know why they use he darn stuff with so many dogs around... but that's another rant.

Marylou's soaps (and lip glosses) are actually just what I needed as I've been taking more baths to destress myself. And now with the storage cabinet, I have an accessible place to put them all!

The Cuisinart is awesome, although we still have to re-evaluate what appliances get priority on the counter. ...Our next purchase is a rolling pantry for that very reason.

The jewelery box is something I've needed for a long time, so thank you... but the card and the scissors were a little weird.

Was there something more I there that I was supposed to read into?

Anyway, all and all, thanks for a nice visit, albeit brief.

Love you,
Megs

...I just don't get it...

...have you ever seen that episode of South Park where Token (the only black character) and Stan are in a fight because Stan's father used the "N" word on national TV? I looked for a clip as illustration to no avail... and they say you can find anything on the internet! :-P

Well, Stan tried to make amends with Token over and over in the episode, only to be met with CONSTANT and vehement refusal. But as the episode draws to a close, you see Stan running to Token screaming, "Token, I don't get it!!! I don't get it!!!".

Token's response after a long pause?

A smile, a wink, a knowing point "Now you get it, man."

That's kind of how I feel right about now. I just don't get it.

I don't understand why Aunt Jo flipped her wig on me for some comments I made to Matthew. I don't get why the family pushes closer when I asked for space. I don't get why Mom did what she did when she did. I don't get why people are ashamed of things that are common fact. As I said to Craig today, embracing my flaws is the most empowering thing I'd ever done - and it was one of the scariest to begin with. I don't get why we'd pretend everything was okay if she's mad at me for something... I don't get why she acts like she doesn't care.

"I DON'T GET IT!!!"

I DON'T GET IT. ...So, in a way, I kinda get it.

None of it matters, anyway. I'm living in a different place than the majority my family now. And I just have to accept it's okay... Like a vegan who has friends who wear leather coats. Suck it up.

I'm being me. That's the best I can do for now. I won't hide things that make me who I am.

BUH?!?!?!

We sat civilily for 20 minutes and discussed inane topics of current family issues around xmas. It was almost pleasant... I asked if I should open anything while she was there and she said no... so I waited for Craig to get home... anxious as all hell.

So I got a scissor-charmed necklace for christmas inside a lovely jewelery box with a card illuding to being apart for a long time...

There was also a great cuisinart griddle/grill... and my cousin gave me some soaps and my uncle and aunt gave us a gift card to Canadian Tire...

But I'm really stuck on the scissors. ...Seriously, what are they supposed to mean?

I WANT to believe it was because of the hair modelling, but aren't scissors for people who are DOING the cutting. OY. Head games.

She wants you, yeah, yeah, yeah...

So... I agreed to a meeting with Mom tomorrow and I'm not entirely sure what to do... so I'm thinking - NAP.

I'm always better on a rested brain.

Boxing Day... Holy Hell.

Well, as some may or may not know, Craig has been working downtown near the Eaton Centre, and as he had to work today, I figured I'd join him on the way to work and try to get some shopping in.

...it was a good thing I left early... and too bad I'd forgotten to take my anxiety pill.

The stores I wanted to go to, Le Senza, Indigo, Body Shop and Old Navy had just enough people to keep me from a panic attack. The stores that blew me away were Arizia and Abercombie and Fitch which had lines tot the entrances. It felt like quite an accomplishment for me. :-)

I got the things I wanted (a book on the scientific destruction of the string theory and underwear) and made it out to see HUNDREDS of people pouring off the southbound subways and into the centre I had narrowly escaped. PHEW!

I got home and heard from Katie-beara and had some time to reflect on whether or not to see my smother... I mean, mother...

Lest I miss a day...

I'm miserable again. This fucking day... there's more stress and hatred attached to it, rather than love. I HATE the fact that I miss the things that make me sick...

it makes me feel more sick.

Well, hell, maybe I am.

What I wanted to say to mother...

"Merry Christmas, I miss you" seems too open to intrpretation. But my shrinks say that's all I can say via email.

I'm glad I'm away from you and the family. I think when Dad died, the balance between us shifted somehow, and somehow that wasn't good or appropriate.

My personality and yours shouldn't be together. Not because either of us is bad, but the combination of my anxieties with your need to control everything could never have had a good outcome.

I have not a single present under the tree.

And I'm still happy for where my life is. I have so much honest love in my life it astounds me.

It just saddens me that I've lost my trust for you and your family. It started back when my virginity story was broadcast like a fucking soap opera across the aunts and uncles network...

Then I was made to feel ashamed about my personal socializing choices. The parties I went to, and the outfits I wore - even though you have printed pages of smut describing more edgy things than I ever did, just sitting in your night stand... well, they were then, anyway. So I was made out to be a sicko, while you WERE a sicko - just behind closed doors. Hypocrite!

So as a teen I had to disguise myself to your family. I'm sorry but the whole family is about appearances. And I am at a point in my life I don't want apppearance, I want some honest content!

Then Dad was dying - and you treated me like a grown up... which at the time may have seemed right, but I was a little girl who was losing her Dad. I didn't want to give him more morphine to "help him along" or watch him at home everyday... but there he was. Until he wasn't.

And when he died I wanted to cry with you, but you always try to stop yourself, or say we're being "silly", "maudlin" or you've just had too much wine... why can't we just be sad for losing him?

So I reached for Chris. It's a dead story so I won't beat it to death. If I saw him today, I'd beat the crap out of him, but he helped me at a time you didn't. He was someone to tell stories and cry with. That was 90% of all we did. His mom this and my Dad that until we were either laughing or crying or both.

We did get pregnant together, and I had the abortion only because I didn't want HIM to have a child (he said he would take me to court if I tried to adopt it to someone)... The experience was horrid, painful beyond words, scary and yet he was there - and took care of me when I had to twice be rushed to hospital because of internal bleeding and he never left my side.

Credit where it's due, right?

Then, school... that was almost alright cause I had something to focus on and you were never around. That's probably the best we've ever got along... but I was also excelling at what you wanted me to do - so why would you be upset?

The whole Dr. Ed thing still makes my skin crawl. Do I know that I took money, yes. I get it - that was beyond bad, awful, evil, out of line for even a cent. But you and your family gave up on me and treated me as a criminal. ALL of it was all a cry for help from years of shit stacking up... and you and your family act disgusted around me.

Maybe that's where I started to give up on you.

Beth showed up and everyone... freezes. Suddenly the fact I'm "not yours" seems real to everyone. I love my baby sister with everything I am, but no one in your family could recognize they all started treating me differently. This isn't just me talking, but Craig, too.

I'm done with my acting. I'm a book so open, pages sometimes fly off in the wind.

God, I just feel like you really don't care. You didn't want me, Mom. You didn't want to be pregnant, you didn't want to stay home with a child, you wanted to LOOK like a successful all-rounded woman. And you did for a lot of years. You were more excited at the THOUGHT of having a child come to you, than when you held me the first time. You've said it youself. Seriously, think about it - that's kind of messed up.

I'm pretty sure you said you were sorry about "postponing" the wedding so you could have it under YOUR conditions - but I don't think I ever saw it or let it sink in.

I still have the belief that you knew what you were doing by postponing the wedding and because of that I can't forgive you.

You were my Mom and you should have know me well-enough to know what you were up to would KILL ME INSIDE. Unless you really are just dumb and as a child I've over-estimated you.

Anything is possible.

The worst thing is Craig has to see me cry everyday over my own mother's actions.

That's just fucking sick to me, and angering as hell for him.

...to do list, mostly completed, and then some.

Not only did I have time to tidy, but my sister-in-law has some prezzies to open, my groceries are stocked away, I even got the laundry done and hit the gym... see, I can be productive!!! :-P

And now for something completely different: http://youtube.com/watch?v=dPk_f6Afpg0

If I could play guitar, I would BE her. Or her songwriting partner.

I am SO buying a guitar from a pawn shop so I can learn with Craig!

Second batch of shortbread ruined...

To do:

clean up latest baking attempt (yes, it's 7:30am),
clean up after dog,
clean up after cats,
clean up after husband,
clean up after workmen come through my holiday home,
do laundry,
work-out (and work the abs this time),
write my sister to thank her for the gift and wonderful letter,
and find a way to quell the anger at my adoptive mother.

...is there a rub-in cream for that?

I found a great picture of Craig and I from back in the Windsor days. He was actually sending me off to go home to Toronto, and we have totally pathetic looks in our eyes. I had probably been crying... LOL But this morning I saw a music video for "Ever Ever After" by Carrie Underwood and it totally brought my head back to the one thing that is most important in my life. He knows who he is...

Lyrics:

Storybook endings, fairy tales coming true

Deep down inside we want to believe they still do

And a secret is taught,

it's our favourite part of the story

Let's just admit we all want to make it, too

Ever ever after

If we just don't get it our own way

Ever ever after

It may only be a wish away

Start your own fashion,

wear your heart on your sleeve

Sometimes you reach what's real

just by making believe

Unafraid, unashamed

There is joy to be claimed in this world

You even might wind up being glad to be you

Ever ever after

Though the world will tell you it's not smart

Ever ever after

The world can be yours if you let your heart

Believe in ever after

No wonder your heart feels it's flying

Your head feels it's spinning

Each happy ending's a brand new beginning

Let yourself be enchanted,

you just might break through

To ever ever after

Forever could even start today

Ever ever after

Maybe it's just one wish away

Your ever ever after

...THEN I GOT HIS BY A BUS!...

Except it wasn't a metaphor for surprise... I literally got hit by a bus!!!

We were heading back from the walk-in for Craig's back...

I've posted the pictures, (my poor dirty jacket), but as people know in Toronto, those TTC drivers are insane sometimes... the GREAT ones are a dime a dozen.

We get off the subway, Craig is still wincing...

I INSISTED Craig get on the awaiting bus bus while I ran by the store to grab something...

I ran out, assuming this was the same bus, with Craig on it...

That one had left, this was the last one for sometime...
I stood in front of the door on the road and knocked...
I THOUGHT he would open the door.
He started driving...
I started running (in pace with ease) next to the bus on the road...
The driver, looks at me and starts to speed it up, I keep running...
Until my sleeve caught the window trimming... and my hand slammed into it.
OUCH!!!!
The bus driver didn't even stop to see if I was okay....
So he's having a SERIOUS complaint filed....

I caught his bus number and route... thank you "Mr. 7879" driving the 47B bus around 1:30 this afternoon, Northbound from Bloor.

You've got some real growing up to do, man. RIGHT HERE. *points down*

openly broken boy...

My fiance is still out with the back injury and thus my list of things to do, will likely not get done.

This includes posting anything of any significance here - but as an old friend once said, "somedays you just gotta race". :-P

My day has been... miscellaneous.

My poor boy has been laid up with a bad back... luckily our friend is learning to be a chiropractor so suffice to say, Craig is feeling much better!

We managed to go and pick up the Simpson's DVD (so excited) and move some more things around the apartment - so far, we've staved off any disastrous effects from the animals and the cats have their own area now. So far so good.

Interestingly enough, I also botched a batch of christmas peppermind shrotbread this afternoon - something that feels quite like karmic retribution for the shunning of certain members of my family.

"NOT THE FOOD! CHRIST, NO! NOT THE FOOD!"

I am entirely exhausted from a whole lot of not much. I also must note my recipe for shortbread calls for too much flour. I will post the recipe once I perfect the little imperfections...

...ah, cookie recipes, so like life. :-P

SUPER HAPPY FUN DAY

Dog peed on our couch last night.
Cat peed on the dog bed this morning.
Other cat peed on the same spot on the dog bed.
Sickness benefit deposited.
Then prematurely eaten by Visa bills.
...but with what's left, I get to spend all day shopping.

It has been 8 months since I've had ANY retail therapy.
Thank you, Lord! LOL
I get to collect some of the things I need for my wedding...
needlework.... I'm so excited...
Grandma Ball taught me this skill for this... and I'll actually use it!

So I have to get ready... but I thought I'd share one of my top 5 these days... it's my morning song:

Carrie Underwood

"So Small"

What you got if you ain't got love

the kind that you just want to give away

It's okay to open up, go ahead and let the light shine through

I know it's hard on a rainy day

you want to shut the world out and just be left alone

But don't run out on your faith

'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand

What you've been up there searching for forever is in your hands

When you figure out love is all that matters after all

It sure makes everything else seem so small

It's so easy to get lost inside

a problem that seems so big at the time

it's like a river thats so wide

it swallows you whole

While you sit around thinking about what you can't change

and worrying about all the wrong things

time's flying by moving so fast

you better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand

What you've been up there searching for forever is in your hands

When you figure out love is all that matters after all

It sure makes everything else seem so small

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand

What you've been up there searching for forever is in your hands

When you figure out love is all that matters after all

It sure makes everything else

Oh it sure makes everything else seem so small, yeah, yeah

Fait accompli...

I don't care today...

Not that I want to see people hurt, or that I'm jaded.

I just know my own pain so well now, I'm not going to apologize for it or be embarassed about it.

If those around me want to be embarassed - that's fine.
Don't be around me, I'm making it easy on all of you.

"Who does Megan love?" mom would ask...
"Myself, because until I love me, I can't love anyone else"
Wisdom that I was NEVER allowed to live by.

Well, check this out: I'm gonna go cry for a second, walk my dog, vacuum the downstairs and dust... and I'm going to love every second... not just ME, but my choices, my breaths, random thoughts...

Every second I think about Mom on her own, Joanne being angry over innocent comments, my family being worried, not having a job or being scared about the myriad of reasons I have - I just drink it all it in... and remember that above all:

I am me.

Everyone else can LOVE it like I do, or leave it.

New things, changes, remodelling, it's all a metaphor...

Our brand spankin`new futon, made by my father-in-law.

Our home finally looks like a home. This has settled me greatly. And Craig loves the fact we can actually sit next to each other on the couch. :-) In other happy notes, our puppy has been so hyper since the snow fall started, we've had no choice but to spend hours outside. This has been good for my my head and my body.

Conall eats as much snow as he can while laying in it simultaneously.

Something from long ago... in the 'before' time.

Please note there is a space to comment at the bottom of each post for those who feel I'm crossing a line and wish to let me know. Probably won't change much, but I'm all for the free exchange of ideas.


March 7, 2005.
My Mantra - The Wallet Poem

"I Promise..."



Be good to me.
Admit that I know who I want,
and what I want.

Never settle.
Never accept less than my best.
Never second-guess my dreams.

I will not be afraid...
to be alone,
to try harder, nor
to be happy.

I CAN have more...

I AM a force of nature...

I WILL rape this day...

...and make my angels proud.

Wishes...

Be careful what you wish for ,
Cause today I begged 'em not to see me cry
And the clouds opened up,
raining through the sky.

Suddenly the others saw
a girl laughing in the rain,
they saw a grin while I was weeping,
the scars were washed away.

Be careful what you wish for,
Cause that rain may come down
And even when you're dying
The world won't see that frown.

Suddenly your mantra is
a tangled mess of lies,
And "Fake it til you make it"
Only makes a thin disguise

So be careful what you wish for,
Cause wishes don't come free.
Sometimes you'll end up cold and wet
Rememb'ring what could be.

Low Level Flight Lyrics: Say... from Album: Urgency

I awoke today
And I feel the same
As I did last night
The same old fight
As we had before.
If you're feeling
No more healing,
I'll be leaving
Out the door!!!

And I'll SAY
That you're not the one
And I'll turn my back
(if you promise that you'll)
SAY there's nothing left ,
That there is no trust between us.
And I'll SAY that you're not the one
And I'll SAY this love is gone
And I'll SAY I won't miss you.

All a-blur
Of useless words
It's so cold inside
And i can't find what we had before.
No believing,
No more meaning,
I'm not waiting
Anymore.

And I'll SAY
That you're not the one
And I'll turn my back
(if you promise that you'll)
SAY there's nothing left ,
That there is no trust between us.
And I'll SAY that you're not the one
And I'll SAY this love is gone
And I'll SAY I won't miss you.

Don't ever tell me you love me.
Don't ever tell me you need me.

And I'll SAY
That you're not the one
And I'll turn my back
(if you promise that you'll)
SAY there is nothing left ,
That there is no trust between us.
And I'll SAY that you're not the one
And I'll SAY this love is gone
And I'll SAY I won't miss you.

The difference...

To add to the fact that I'm wrestling with my own demons, my puppy is suffering from a serious swelling reaction to a mysterious something (probably all the ice he ate last night), my mom finally responded to not wanting to talk to her.

Adoptive Mom:
I will miss you.
Love
Mom

I also received this gem yesterday in which I realized what maternal instrinct REALLY is. Okay, true, she hasn't been through everything I put my parents through (although she does know about most of it), but she raised two of her own and it shows why their such great kids...

Birth Mother:
Oh my baby,

I'm sorry that you're hurting so much. I don't know whether it'll help, but both my folks and Ian and I eloped. Your Gram and Poppa, because they knew that it'd have been a huge financial burden... one of the eldest of ten, once the guest list hit 250 ... eloped on April Fool's Day. With Ian and I, they offered either the story book wedding, which I knew would have cost a fortune given the size of our family, or 5000.00 in cash ... a no brainer. I have little use for the formality of the wedding stuff. You've been with Craig for years now, and he supports you, in the best sense, through it all. He is already your husband, much more so than Ian was ever mine, though we lived under the same roof with two children. You already have so much more. You want the whole girly thing. Beth does too. It was completely lost on me. I can't believe that your Mom's being so hard on you after all you've seen each other through. Don't be too tough on her, you're all she has, and if you've been telling it like it is, she loves you like a Mom loves. You'll know it soon enough. Get on with the business of family, however that manifests itself, and those you love, clearly there are many. You're a lucky girl.

I can't tell how mad my life's been for the last few months. I swear though that if you don't make it here through the holidays, I'll be there first chance in January. Where is Craig's family? If you're facing a turkeyless holiday, we'll have to see about that. Love ya, Sheil.

How to say goodbye...

Mom,

Don't bother reading my blog... it is public, but it's mine and it's not changing. It'll make you feel worse, not better. At least the early posts will.

Just take the time we're going to have to work on you, and I can work on me.

I won't be spending the holidays with family, which is not an easy decision to make. I will miss everyone terribly. I don't expect anything since we seem to have been fighting over money. But if I may clarify, I'm sick of being "helped out" only to have it in my face again later. I also resent being asked to come to you with problems and when I do you take it so far as to literally destroy a dream of mine. Everyone loves being spoiled, I just hate those who don't realize and appreciate it!

You seem to think I was one of those people when I was a kid... I was always told I didn't appreciate things properly. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't back then, but I do know now.

I'm sorry it must kill you to hear... Until I can come to terms with who I am, I cannot have any further contact as it's dangerous for my psyche. I believe the breakdowns I suffer around thoughts regarding the wedding, families, even some of my own fears, stem from negative influence from you.

Just somethings that have to come out:

1. You told me that "ignorange is bliss", once. I asked if this meant I should lie to you and you said, "Yes, sometimes I don't want to know about the things you get into"
2. I DID have an abortion when I was 21, just 3 months after Dad died... and it nearly killed me. It was classified as an "impartial TA", so stuff continued to grow and caused internal bleeding. I remember Grandpa being more concerned than you as I took a taxi to the hospital - and he had NO idea what was going on. You didn't want to ask.
3. I still wish I hadn't had to have been as hands on as I was with Dad's death. And when it was over, I really wished you'd reached out and grabbed me - not the other way around.

Love you (I do),

Megan

Something I Can Feel Good About

Thanks to the Facebook Community and A LOT of emails to politicians, AGENT Tre Smith is back on the streets of Toronto!

All are welcome to the THS to meet reinstated AGENT Tre Smith.

Tre Receives IPDTA Award for Cyrus' dramatic rescue.

What if...

What if I haven't considered the what ifs?



For the first time in all this anxiety - I don't really care. Not that some of the outcomes aren't bad, because some are undesirable... but maybe I'm starting to see THROUGH things finally.



I'm going to hold onto that vision - no matter how small.

Serve, Point, Match.

Hi Megan,

I guess I will have to get Slice so I can see your TV debut. Sounds quite exciting.

I am having Gary, Freya, Mary Lou, David and hopefully Charles for brunch on the 23rd. You and Craig are of course invited and always welcome. Jason, Mel and the baby aren't going to be able to making it down during the holidays.

I haven't gone to your web diary. I just can't take any more written accusations right now.

The tree is up and partially decorated but the spirit of the holidays is missing.

Mom fell again tonight but luckily we placed a mattress on the floor beside her bed before we left today so she was unharmed. I don't know what's up with Nan lately. She also got up on the edge of her bed first thing this morning calling out "hello, hello".

Take care,
Love,
Mom
**********************************************************
RESPONSE NEVER SENT:

Since I stopped talking to you, the only time I cry is when I get emails from you...

Nan is functioning on a different level of reasoning. My guess would be she is agitated by the energy you're bringing into the room. Or maybe she just finally gets that she got screwed the day you moved her. I dunno, it's just another thing to break my heart...

I have a feeling I may not come home from my doctors appointment tomorrow. Some of the things I tell my doc may have her nervous enough to committ me... Don't worry little cyber-people, I'm not suicidal, but I have moments where rage, or sadness gets run of my whole body... and it happens so often as of late... I wish for everyone's sake they could just lock me away for a while.

Let Craig have a fun life for a while without "Little Miss Bring-Down", let my Mom see that years of torment do add up and give myself time to really appreciate my friends who are the only ones who have stood by me like no others did. It's all about faith.

On Dexter, my favourite show, he asks his sister (who had been raped, almost murdered, etc), how she got through the weight of all her pain, she responded:

"I dunno, you just... one day see THROUGH it. And when you do, you see who you want to be on the other side; and you cling on to that thought as hard as you can - fucking everything and everyone that might get in your way until you are that vision, you know?"

Fuck, I wish I did, but it sounded real nice.

Aside...

I haven't smoked in 4 days and want to claw my own eyes out.
So I'm gonna take a nap instead.

It'll get better... just not yet.

Tired....

After last night's exciting news I feel exhausted today.
But there is laundry... so... off I go!

WHEEEEEEE!

*thud*

ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz............

TRE IS FREE!!!

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=4151518886

After months of work and letters, Tre Smith gets to go back to work after these allegations were proved... bollocks. Agent Smith goes back to work and Animal Housecalls on CP24 gets to keep their Toronto Humane Society PR face and Agent Status.

Vindication - it's a beautiful thing.

I can't believe I skipped a day...

Do those eyes make my soul look dead? LOL

Yesterday, I spent a day in bed. Something I try not to do when angsty or depressed.

Well, most of it, anyway. The dog needs his runs whether I like it or not.

Then today... we pay some bills, take the dog to a dog park, go grocery shopping, bathe the dog...

I got a call from a photographer that we won a free engagement photo at the Bridal Show. Nice little reminder. ...oh, we're going of course! Free make-up artist, are you kidding me? I'm in like sin.

I also got a call that I'm wanted to do hair modelling on Superstar Hair Challenge 2. FUN! Some nice things to look forward to.

Oh, yeah, and a temp agency that only does temporary to permanent has contacted me, I'll keep y'all 'posted'.

Pain

Pain is something I thought I had a very good understanding of.

Physical pain, emotional pain, fake pain, traumatic pain...

I've felt and known all of them, but today with the stupid meds kicking in, I'm in a strange state of... ANGER.

My shoulders have been knotted for days and are killing me.

My insides literally shake because my world has changed so much.

My medication helps me deal with the nausea and mind-created barriers.

But somewhere in the mix there's this feeling of absolute anger.

I want to take the TTC to my mom's house and smack her in the face.

Which is good, actually...

When this whole thing started, I wanted to beat her face in with a rock -

And when I got beyond that I wanted to spit at her.

But a good ol' slap will suffice, there's something more demure about it.

I keep begging for a mother, not a friend.

But that's not going to happen, I'm told.

I have to be a bigger person.

... Well, fuck, I'm trying to be!

How I curse myself for hoping Dad would die first.

I never thought I could live with him because he was nothing like mom.

When he first got sick, I prayed and prayed Mom wouldn't go through anything like that...

I wouldn't know how to live with Dad alone.

I hated it enough when she went on business trips.

But then he was gone and we were all happy for a moment.

Then we realized everything else started now....

And everyone flew around like birds trapped under a net.

I took the pill jars out of Mom's hands she'd been gathering (for no reason) and led her outside to have a beer and smoke a joint with me (which she didn't want). She kept telling jokes about Dad as the sun set...

Neither of us wanted to see Dad being taken out...

But when we needed to check if they were gone, I got up to check, just to see the stretcher smack into the door frame. In that second something changed.

I started trying to act like a grown-up - mom didn't want to cry all the time; but I did.

I found someone who loved to cry to... unfortunately he also liked MAKING me cry.

Rather than stay with mom, I grieved with someone who never even knew my Dad, and disrespected me while he was still around.

Maybe it is too late for me to forgive this one.

This pain keeps getting worse because of someone who assigns dollar value to everything.

The man I'm with now, had time to know the man she loved.

Maybe that's why Craig is so protective... he knew how my Dad was.

Without that balance, my mother seems out of control, and as a result has become a control freak.

Yeah, I don't want to be around that.

Funny, my birth family seems to be understanding beyond words too.

I really just wanna go and hit stuff. Or lie in bed and cry as hard as I can.

Something of value

Megan

I acknowledge that I have made you worse, especially after reading these last two e-mails. Each e-mail is like hearing from someone different. Your emotions are see-sawing all over the place. But it all comes back to me. I am the bad guy in your life. The one that makes you what you are.

Our life together is not a lie but I can't change how you feel about that at this point in time.So I have also made an appointment with my doctor (a week ago) and am waiting for a counseling referral so I can talk to someone about our relationship as it seems everything I do or say... is to you ... destructive in some way.

I know you worked hard planning your dream wedding. I was going for it so I wasn't leading you on. I put the plans on "hold" because I truly believed you needed to get some balance in your life. Marriage is for life, a wedding is just one day. There's no point in going another round on the whys and wherefores as it's not productive for either of us right now.

So...what DO you want me to do?
Love
Mom

_________________________________________________

My Response:

Try being honest with yourself... like you told me to love myself, first.

Maybe then you can write me an email without back-handed compliments.

You keep apologizing but doing it again and again. It's like an abusive relationship.

You tried to be my friend when I needed a mother, and you never really learned how. Didn't have it in you, and ashamed to admit it.

I don't know "what I want from you" right now.

I'm not deciding until I see Dr. Philp. I'm logging off now before I make myself worse

Respectfully,
Meg

PS - I did not have a job when we met with Reg so stop saying I did. It was a 4 week temp gig.

Note of Note

Mom:

I never said I was "happy" but I said I was okay with who I am.

YOU are single-handedly making my life hell.
Everyday I cry for hours because my life with you was a lie.
I fall asleep crying trying not to let Craig hear me, he has to work early.

I take my meds and try to submit resumes but I freeze, or I don't like something about it.
It all comes back to you though. All those wedding files, those portfolios, I worked HARD on those, that's why those were there. That's why I kept sending you stuff... and you LET ME.
You broke me 2 weeks ago and now I'm WAY worse than when I started.

THAT'S what you need to awknowledge.

If you can't do that - then yes, I'm gone.

If you can't do that and I stay - I'm going to make myself sicker.

WHY AM I THINKING OF CHECKING INTO A MENTAL HOSPITAL FOR THE THIRD TIME IN A WEEK BECAUSE OF YOU? DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL AT ALL GUILTY? EVEN A LITTLE... or is this for "my best" too?

She's At It Again

Back handed, contradictory, painful and ...fuck, y'all, she's literally going to make me crazy...

BRITNEY-VILLE party of 1: ME!

My life has been a lie. I was an adopted girl. Different. And my "mother" can't wait to get rid of me. Now I'm afraid she's going to get what she's wanted all along. Me gone. She can keep the money, estates, house, I don't care about that I just wanted my mom behind me for my wedding...

_____________________________________________________

Hi Megs,

Thanks for the heads up on the Christmas tree sale even though I can't summon any Christmas spirit this year.

I also thank you for the update and I'm happy that you ARE takingcare of yourselves, that Craig loves his new job (I've only heard good things about Fidelity as a company), that you are content with your life, and are making plans for the new year including having the kind of wedding you want on your own terms. And that you have written to your Aunts and Uncles.

I don't believe any one pities you. What is there to pity? If they had been silent you would have said they didn't care and when they reach out you say it's pity and disgusting and offends you. Damned if they do and damned if they don't. I guess they used the word "postponed" asthey believed you and Craig would get married at a different time...which, in effect, you are planning to do. And we all get that the attached wedding portfolio is not on hold but "cancelled" as you stated. I also understand when you say you will decide who is going to be invited and that would include me.

Megan, I have always been willing to take responsibility for my actionsand the consequences. I realized that you would be hurt, angry and many of the other things you have written and probably would cut me out of your life until such time as you wanted or chose to renew a relationship. That's the part that makes my decision so very hard to live with. In my heart I did what I thought was best for you.

Why else would I ever put you and I and Craig through all this?When you were little I used to say to you "Who loves you?" Your response: "Mom, Dad and Megan. Why Megan? Because if you can't love yourself how can you love anyone else?" I didn't see my daughter very happy with herself. You tell me now in no uncertain terms that you ARE happy and you are going to live life on your own terms. That's all I've ever wanted for you.

Since you think I need my head examined anyway, I think you are acting better and more focused than you have in a long while. You didn't implode. You're fighting back and standing up and shouting "this is me, world/family, take or leave it." and taking charge of your health and your future. And I couldn't be prouder of you.

Love always,

Mom

P.S. We are planning to bring Nan's reclining chair home as she is now in a wheelchair and won't be using it. Do you want your Dad's chair delivered to you over the holidays?_____________________________________________________

Mom:

This response is typical. This is why you're making me crazy.

You're assuming, reading into things wrong and being hurtful again.

I'm not disowning you. In fact, I said I WOULDN'T because of what I've seen it do to other people and families in the last email to you. All I want from you, is an admission that you personally caused me a nervous breakdown by your actions. You obviously don't see or feel that... you think that was "for the best". I'm not disowning you, but I'm holding you accountable for what you did.

You made the wrong call.

Just like you did when you let me run away with Chris after Dad died (since you mentioned you wanted to talk about it). I pulled away from you, because you wouldn't greive with me - so I found someone who would. Someone profoundly good at greiving and manipulation... I wasted too many years on him... and you hated him - but in a sense, you created the need in me for that. I obviously got the same tastes from you.

To the rest of the family - this is what I'm dealing with... No less nuts than me, but Mom won't even talk to a shrink... see if any of this this sounds familiar, and maybe one of you can talk her into it:

Paranoid personality disorder is a psychiatric diagnosis that denotes a personality disorder with paranoid features. It is characterized by an exaggeration of the cognitive modules for sensitivity to rejection, resentfulness, distrust, as well as the inclination to distort experienced events. Neutral and friendly actions of others are often misinterpreted as being hostile or contemptuous. Unfounded suspicions regarding the sexual loyalty of partners and loyalty in general as well as the belief that one’s rights are not being recognized is stubbornly and argumentatively insisted upon. Such individuals can possess an excessive self-assurance and a tendency toward an exaggerated self-reference. Pathological jealousy, instinctive aggressive counter-attack, the need to control others, and the gathering of trivial or circumstantial "evidence" to support their jealous beliefs also features. The use of the term paranoia in this context is not meant to refer to the presence of frank delusions or psychosis, but implies the presence of ongoing, unbased suspiciousness and distrust of people.

...And she read that thinking it was about me, I bet.

Rubber room me. I'm so done for today. And it's 11am. FUCK!!!

Megan.

PS - You're right mom, I don't want you at my wedding if this is how I'm being treated.

Transparency - How This All Began...

Grand hello to everyone.

Wish I had happier holiday news rather than a manifesto, but it's better than silence.

In October of this year I was told I had been misdiagnosed and mistreated for the wrong disorders for the past 10 years. Turns out I have generalized anxiety disorder due to post traumatic stress. Not depression, as they had been assuming since I was 15.

I lost a job in the process, as my anxiety attacks took hold of me anytime stress was involved (interviews, meetings, etc). I have been put on mild sedatives and am awaiting a psychiatric referral.

Now, right as these things are going on, we had just seen our venue for the wedding - that was when I lost the job. At the venue, we pressed NOT to sign for a date (November 5), but Mom was on board to do it; so having put a deposit down, the loss of my job was (her words) "okay because [I'd] have time to plan the next wedding in [my] time off". Then the following week she also signed the contract (November 14) and faxed it back to the wedding planner.

Then hell broke loose. Once I spoke to mother over the phone I knew something was a-miss and there was something I wasn't being told. She was hesitant to tell me over the phone, which only made me more suspicious - it wasn't good. I pressed to get her to tell me.

Getting the news while sedated made me appear stoic and relaxed, when in reality I had just been broken. I DID nearly commit myself to CAMH in downdown Toronto twice in what they define as a "crisis situation" (break-down crisis, not suicidal). The wedding was all I had was what I DID, and now I was having stipulations like I have to be "working full-time" and "mentally healthy" to continue with planning. At this stage, we plan or we cancel; we had less than months.

I don't make promises I can't keep.

I know who I am (and I know I'm not perfect), and I expect that all of you respect that. I don't want to be perfect. I'm not ambitiously driven by work, and I don't want to climb any ladders. I may go back to school but that's neither here nor there at this point. I am looking for part time work, but right now, Craig is working for Fidelity Investments making decent money so he is happy to see me finally making improvements...

I know I am not the family's definition of sucessful, but I do love my life.
No if's and's or but's.

The wedding is OFF. I have emailed Reg (the wedding planner) and Mom and the two of them are sorting out the costs of a cancellation between themselves as it was Mom's card in the first place.

In a sense, I suppose it IS a postponement, Craig and I will be planning our own wedding in our own time, it may very well be sooner. The thing this time is, we'll be paying, inviting who we want and having it wherever we want. It's so sad that what's supposed to be my perfect day has turned the (my) family upside down and caused me to breakdown.

In the interim, it's time to clean the house and work out if I can muster the energy... hitting the eliptical while sedated is harder than you think!