Aunt's Retort

Hi Megs.

Kathy thinks very highly of you and has not given up on you. I know that for sure. When you are hurting, she is hurting. When you are having a bad time, she is having a bad time. No parent or child is perfect...that is for sure but one thing that never changes is that she would do anything for you...as would any of your Aunts/Uncles if you needed anything. Also, I don't think of you as screwed up or the black sheep at all. I think of you as your own person.

However, the most important thing is how YOU see yourself. You CAN change how you see yourself...but you have to want to change. It may take some work and time but you CAN DO IT MEGAN. I know you can. You just need to WANT to change... to be who you want to be and do what you want to do. It may take a lot of determination, perseverance, hard work and persistence at times...and there will be ups and downs along the way. But I know that deep inside you, you have what it takes to be the person you want to be. This may all sound a bit corny but true. Be gentle with yourself Megabucks. And don't forget that your family loves you and we are here if you need anything.

Bye for now and keep in touch.

Love to you too!

Shannon

_______________________________________________

Oh Shan,

I don't want this to sound harsh so please note my sedatives for the night are kicking in.
I am who I want to be.
I don't want to change.
I think that's a big part of how the family perceives me.
I didn't realize THAT was what it was for a long time...
but I AM the black sheep.
I'm just coming to accept that's okay.I'm looking for acceptance of all of me from the family, not token graces because "that's what family does", you know?

-Megs

Mom's response email was just too long to completely ignore. I had to get my one point across. Kathy Doherty, you aren't perfect, you weren't when you got me, you never will be and I'm not either and that's okay .
________________________________________
I knew you couldn't just listen... Defensive guilt trips were going to follow... Now, I don't have much else to say because each of your emails only make me worse... this is no dramatic exaggeration but your last one had me in crying in bed for the whole day - catholic guilt at it's best, eh? I just wanted you to understand ONE THING you kinda fibbed through in your last email.

I heard you on the phone perfectly: you didn't want to plan until I am mentally healthy and working full time... In fact, I SAID THE WORDS FOR YOU! Truthfully, no, I can't promise I'll be there in 10 months, and Craig knows that. It doesn't change anything between us, besides our personal fiances, and those are looking up for him. When he told his parents the wedding was postponed because of my mental condition, his parents were shocked... just so you know, not EVERYONE thinks you did the right thing...

The bottom line is I'm shocked you had so little faith in me as to do / say those things in the first place. I know you see this as being something good and "right", something to save me. But now, you've made yourself from a wedding planner to MAYBE being an invitee.

AND since all your money is off the table, why don't you print all these off and take these emails to a psycho-therapist, have him/her read it and talk out some of your issues. I don't think I'm the only one here who needs help... and I'm the daughter so you talking out your "lonely" or "Dad issues" with me is innappropriate. Go see a shrink... or be a weeping widow your whole life, I don't care... but I don't want any more of the ongoing saddness, guilt and mind-games from you.

Pained by you, beyond belief...
m.

PS - You won't get any more emails (or calls) until I see my shrink or I'll end up committing myself for 48 hours for assessment (almost gone twice). My meds are not enough to deal with this kind of hurt alone and everytime I read one of your letters I feel manipulated, guilted...really mostly manipulated - you're really very good at it.

PPS - If you really are trying to show love, try saying NOTHING but loving words. It's a good place to start. Sadly I can't be the bigger person to do that, because I'm the DAUGHTER.

Mom's Retort

Megs,

Well I guess you and I are at cross purposes on a lot of very importantthings and for that I am sorry and very saddened. I will try and respond point by point but as usual it won't be in the same logical order as you have made your feelings known.

I am sorry you feel excluded and not included about things/issuesthat are going on with me. It's not done intentionally it's more by habit or attrition I guess as time has gone on and what I often perceive as your lack of interest. You become absorbed in your own life which you should be and I do understand that. I am in a word lonely a lot of the time without your Dad and have been making a concerted effort to fill my days better. So I am working two nights a week helping Somali Muslim children with their homework through Frontier College as I mentioned. I go five mornings a week to spend time with your Nan and all day Sunday .... which I admit can be a bit much at times as she's no great conversationalist. I am sorry if I didn't listen better to youasking to visit. At one point you told me you couldn't go to a place like that and you did tell me last time we met that maybe you could arrange to visit at another time. I guess I thought you would have mademore of an effort because you love me...not really because of Nan because as we all know she doesn't know who the hell any of are so it'swasn't particularly for her. And I guess that hurt me. I didn't wantit to be a forced obligation visit...if you know what I mean. I guess I was waiting to have you call and say how bout you pick me up and I'llgo with you today. or Hey Mom I thought I just pop in for a visit to see you today without having any real purpose. But as I read your e-mail, I obviously don't make it easy or enticing for you to do so andthat breaks my heart.

I do stuff with Joanne and had by the way the most horrendous weekend at the cottage .... Jo and one of her oldest friends are now no longer speaking. As another aside Jo didn't write that note related to the wedding in particular. When I called her about her e-mail to you she didn't know what I was talking about. She said she asked you to work the manulife show and was referring to you having a tough time of late... no more than that. She said she had no idea whether i was really going to do anything about the wedding or not. Also I didn't discuss this with my siblings or anyone else. And Megan I asked to meet with you and Craig today Sunday but you told me it was his only day off and Monday was no good etc. I wanted to meet with both of you face to face not over the telephone. That's all....because what I wanted to say affected both of you and you both had the right to react.

1. Believe it or not I do have faith in you and will have to choose mywords more carefully. You are bright, funny, caring, intense, interesting, articulate, lovable, a cornucopia of many more wonderful traits. And I believe you don't always believe in what you are capable of or how wonderful you are and how proud I am of you and apparently that is also my doing. I think, and this is my opinion, that you sometimes bring a lot of preconceived notions into what I say ... and hear stuff that I haven't actually said or have meant. I know you feelI am too judgmental and critical and I obviously have to do a way better job in that area. My parents were like that and I hated it too.Believe or not I have been trying but often you say I say things I haven't said so it can be very frustrating for me. A damned if you do and damned if you don't scenario. But keep calling me on it and unlike an old dog I can learn, in this case, to be more demonstrative and a better listener. Unlike me, you have always been a toucher and a hugger and I love and envy that about you!

2. I will always love you and have felt bonded with you since the moment I held you in my arms. You're my kid period. If you have to question that or think I'm questioning that it's like being punched in the gut or feeling betrayed if you will. Probably much the same feeling you had when I put the wedding on hold....not cancelled it. And yes on the phone I thought you sounded a lot better more even keeled, interested in things more etc. And then I literally pulled therug out from under you. Make me feel great about myself..,or proud... or happy...no!

3. I have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING against Craig in any way. If either of you feel that way I'm at a complete loss. What have I done or said to make you believe this? He asked for your hand and I gladly agreed. I haven't changed my opinion that he is the right mate for you. He's a great all round guy who unreservedly loves you and is committed to you.Who wouldn't like him or want him for a son-in-law. Now, imagine forsecond, if you had come to me and said Mom I want to marry this great guy that I love who is having emotional problems and can't work and it's tough going on me to make it month to month... would I not have been as concerned and worried as I am right now? Does that make any sense to you or have I completely lost it in your eyes when I play rolereversal?

4. You have said I have cancelled the wedding and I said it was on holdfor the time being. Are you saying you have no faith in yourself that you can put time and effort into getting better? I believed in my heart that you were going to be quite happy spending the next ten months focussing on wedding stuff and avoid or delay getting on with the day to day stuff of living. Is this again where I am displaying a lack of faith in you to you?Getting back on your feet again first was to me the most important thing for your happiness together. Is that so wrong as a parent to feel that way? We can pull a wedding together in short order. I don't care about the down payment one way or the other. You read far too much into my line. It's more s-o-o-o I could possibly lose 2 thousand...big deal. I believe there is a bigger issue at stake here as you know. And yes I realize that you can get married tomorrow if you decide to. For me it's never been a case of whether you are right for each other, I believe you are, but whether or not it's the right time. And I also understand that you strongly disagree with me.

5. Ahhh, Money. The root of all evil. I don't care about it... I don't care if you don't have tons... or ever have tons as long as you have enough to have a roof over your head, put food on the table and feed the critters. Is that unreasonable? This diamond that I apparently flash around is being taken permanently off the table. I hear you loud and clear. No more offers as you requested. I guess I felt that you really only see me when you want something from me. Not because you are materialistic...I have never thought that...but as you said because you were broke or in trouble. See how we are at cross purposes. So I used it as a connection. And yes I don't mind helping out. You're my daughter. Whatever I have will be yours someday anyway.I didn't think of it as charity but more what families do... we help each other. Like Craig helping (okay doing the lion share of work) on the porch, helping hang pictures etc. To me that kind of help is priceless and I will never forget it. Why? Because he didn't have to do it. I don't have to give you money. I did it to help and because I love you. And yes I also want you to be self-sufficient at the same time.

6. I'm sorry you feel my brothers and sisters are money grubbing capitalists with skewed values. I love them one and all. At no time in my conversation with you on the phone or my e-mail do I believe I ever said anything about how your aunts and uncles feel about you...so I can't answer that because nobody has said to me any of the things you mentioned to me. (After your dad died maybe but not now!) As a matter of fact they ask questions like it must be such an adjustment and traumatic for Megan meeting her sister, contacting her birth family etcand ask how you are coping with it all etc....I am shocked and they would be too to hear that any of us treat you differently since meeting or hearing about Beth. I thought Beth was lovely and couldn't be happier for you that she is part of your life. What have I said or done or not said or done that makes you feel differently?

Your aunts and uncles can't wait to meet Beth or anyone else in your birth family and think it's great you have a natural brother and sister. I swear it . Cross my heart and hope to die. And...they all like Craig very much and look forward to seeing both of you. I don't know where this is coming from other than my brother Jim can be a jerk sometimes and take it upon himself to make unsolicited comments. Jim is clueless. He told everyone that Megan and Kathy were bonding all weekend at the cottage and had a great time together! See what I mean.

You have often told me that you feel they sit in judgement on you and I can't change how you feel about that because perception is reality. Why not confront them about it? And yes with Craig you have seen more of the family...which everyone has thought was great. They like seeing you...both of you...is that so terrible?

7. And yes I signed the contract as you correctly stated. To be honest I didn't want to be the bad guy in all this and I didn't want to reach the stage we are currently at with you hating me. Lately I've had a lot of graveside chats with your Dad over this as I felt the same way as when you couldn't go to school in Grade 9. Funnily enough then you told me if I can only work Mom instead of going to school. I'm good at working. And I said what would happen the first time your boss said you didn't do a good job and yelled at you. Your answer was I'd have to go home. At that time your Dad and I did whatever it took to help you get back to school and face your fears and anxieties. I feel the same way about this.

And as I re-read your e-mail again to make sure I covered all areas, I'd just like to say as much as you hate hating me I will always love loving you.

Love,
Mom
__________________________________
IN RETROSPECT: More of the same old horse shit. And she thought my grandma was good at backhanded compliments. It was her job to reach out to me... how else am I to know? Frankly, my life has been simpler (now Jan 2008) not having to worry about them. It's not like they were making me feel better while I've been broke and feeling like crap when I WAS in contact with them. Quite the contrary. I can't depend on them and they crush me mentally, so why should I bother? ...I just wish the catholic guilt wasn't so strong. Even then I read back and see, "This diamond that I apparently flash around is being taken permanently off the table. I hear you loud and clear. No more offers as you requested. I guess I felt that you really only see me when you want something from me. Not because you are materialistic...I have never thought that...but as you said because you were broke or in trouble." Wow.

After putting forth $20,000 and a $2,000 deposit at our venue, my mother has said she won't plan the wedding any further. This was the ultimate response I had to come to.

Dear Mom:

I’m not sure how to start without you assuming I’m attacking you. I was nothing if not relaxed on the phone and composed during the writing of the email. I really just need you to understand how I feel. I don't loathe you, but I am frustrated, sad and feel very betrayed.

Before I start on retorting to anything, I’d like to address some things you ignored in my first letter to you and explain their significance:

You don’t come to me with your issues or family needs until it’s too late. You perceive me as pulling away, but I keep asking to be included and you ignore me... so I go on with my life - NOT ignoring you, just going on with whatever it is I do.

You did try to defer having the conversation about the wedding. When I told you Craig was starting a new job you suggested next weekend... and until I said the exact words for you, you resisted having the talk.

I make a direct note of people having problems getting you to hear their need for your attention. This seems self-explanatory. I have been there, but I am always crapped on as the black sheep. Your family thinks I ignore you, they don’t approve of my inability to work and since Beth’s appearance I feel like they see me as a totally different person.

You are also still leaving me out of the loop on Nan.

One more wedding related note; you sent the contract in a week before calling me with this news. You didn’t even just make the deposit... you signed the contract too!

One brief point: in your letter you said “I am doing this because I love you, not to torture...or whatever you have decided is my diabolically unfair reason.” I never said you had one. This was your assumption. In fact, I believe you thought you were doing the right thing, you just didn’t realize the full consequences for someone who has severe issues with sudden change (anxiety sufferers, for one).

Look, I’m broke, I can admit that. I’m comfortable with that. ...but everything in the family revolves around money. How the siblings rank your house, what kind of gifts the kids get, how new your clothes are, how many shoes you have, what your title is, how much grandpa wrote a cheque for, where your degree is from... It hurts me when I see the family in this light... but I need to start confronting a lot of things I don’t want to.

With regard to my pulling away, you are as cold and distant as Pluto! I’m always the one who goes for the hug, tells you I love you and all that other “mushy” stuff you never wanted to partake in. I’ve been doing my damnest recently to hold my life together, finding out I've been I've been treated for years for the wrong condition, trying to write letters to blood relatives I’ve never met, being unsteadily unemployed... If anything, in this time I have made a marked effort to come closer with your siblings and Dad’s side, particularly since Craig has come into my life – ON THIS POINT YOU ARE FABRICATING HALF-TRUTHS.

More than your attention, I wanted your faith in me. You did say that you are “most optimistic for [me]”, but you want me to “get my shit[self] together” so you don’t lose two thousand dollars... You’ve never been one to readily give faith, but as a lot of other older parents I’ve spoken to say, “you ALWAYS have faith in your child”. You can tell me your optimistic and that you want to see me better, but actions speak louder and with our communications, I can’t believe that’s true. I think you want to want to see me better. But confidence, pride, esteem, these are things I did not learn from friends, school, or you. You taught me how to pitch a great facade to the world, though.

Because impressions are everything... And before you say those are just glass tigers in my head - there’s a reason I’m so fixated on it. Your whole family is a billboard for capitalism, the shiny ‘burbs where your clothes and car are who you are and your life insurance is how people remember you.

And I really... I want no part of it. You were right when I said I’m a grown up. And I know I don’t want those types of influences in my life. The wedding statement, ultimatum, call it whatever you want, was the jockey that broke the camels back.

I don’t want to get in an email fight and end it with you giving me rent money. Or cancelling the wedding and giving me left-over money for debt. I don’t want your money, period. I never wanted money. On every occasion I received money, I made a point to be sure everyone knew it was appreciated but not expected!!! I’m broke - so you hold an upper hand here that you flash like a diamond... I don’t want your charity, rescue, float, etc... not because I’m too prideful or ashamed; but I’m sick over everyone thinking I’m materialistic and after money (including you).

I know I’m not your blood, you don’t have that particular bond with me. I wish you could admit that or something. Since I met Beth you’ve been totally different towards me. And that’s funny ‘cause I barely talk to her... I don’t know anyone... they just know I exist.

What I do know, is your email response was more dramatic than my initial questioning email. You made me realize you have no faith in my choices or respect for my lifestyle. I suspect you barely tolerate Craig, because you’ve said you know if you didn’t, I’d REALLY pull away.

In order to “get my shit together” I need to get away from you, at least temporarily. I’m starting to see you are a part of my problems and continuing to have contact while I’m in a crisis state only makes me more vulnerable. I'm sorry if that hurts to hear but it's the truth.

Love,

Meg

PS – If you were really up to stopping the wedding, you shouldn’t have initiated something we can get over the internet for $15 and signed for $50. Not saying we’re going to, but really, if we wanted to, it could be done tomorrow.