Then a baby cries...

Okay; it's been over two months and I have no one to blame but my lazy-ass self ("self-deprication", for me, it's a good thing).

I got a job at the hospital, much better than slinging coffee or selling bicycles. I get to do the job I always wanted to do, with some great people, in a great community. I feel fufilled for the first time in a long time.

Craig and I still bitch. Not as much, it would seem. Which is funny since we quit smoking earlier this week. I think I'm just naturally part smoker. Or I've just been around it too much... it seems normal to me. I'm not craving it all the time, just with intensity for 20-30 seconds. I keep reminding myself that the reason for quitting isn't for MY health, but for any future children Craig and I should have.

...Then, just yesterday we heard the big news...

Our neighbours, Tabitha and Michael had their baby three weeks early!!! They came home yesterday after a few days in the Walkerton hospital. Calia is a beautiful teeny-little girl; with her dad's nose and her mom's mouth. I wanted to steal her and run away. It was all I could do to keep from crying. She really is the perfect baby.

Mike is acting like a different human being. He's more relaxed, probably because he's exhausted, but he's chilling out a little. He had me take photos of them at the door. The look like the perfect family.

It's only a matter of time before my biological clock starts to deafen me. The funny thing is I think Craig hears it more than I do! LOL

My point is, life keeps moving here. Not in a rush, not at a standstill. Just like a river, we all roll with it to see where we end up. I'm not scared like I was in Toronto. I make connections with people, people I can trust and respect. And I can hope and have dreams, like a little Calia of my own. Just letting myself have that thought is a step in the right direction.

This is home. I may not be a "lifer" (as they call them in-town), but this is where I'm making my life. And I love it.

oh-me, oh-migrane...

This won't likely be that long since the computer screen is making my eyes want to shrivel up and die. I just had to make a quick post... has anyone else ever been stood up at a job interview? Or am I the only one? I won't go into details but it seems the interviewer was ill and... well, just forgot I was coming in today. That makes me feel important. :-)

Craig and I are still kind of on pins and needles, but he's working today so that's kind of out of sight out of mind right now. I'm starting to think, by the things we fight about and the things he says, that I've been judging this scenario all wrong. I went for a long walk down to my interview and back (hooray for not driving), and had plenty of time alone with my iPod Shuffle to think it out.

Here are some things I think about my 'husband':

1. He loves me.
2. He loves being right almost as much.
3. He wants to make me happy.
4. He is as frustrated with the job front/hunt as I am.
5. He feels I'm unhappy with him.
6. He feels I don't pay attention to him - EVER.
7. He seems to be starting to get the impression I don't even care about him.

Here's what I know about me:

1. I love him to death and wouldn't want to be with anyone else.
2. He makes me happy. Just being near him (when we're not fighting) makes me smile.
3. I appreciate how much he puts himself out for me.
4. I let him be "right" about things I may not agree with, because I can't have discussions without arguments.
5. I TRY to pay attention so much more than I ever have - mostly because due to HIS coercion, my short term memory has suffered. This is a new revelation that really irritates me.
6. I don't show my love for him as often as I should and, being typically female, rely on daily "I love you's".
7. If he really was unhappy with me, I'd let him go in the interests of his happiness. Even though it would likely send me into a pit of despair the likes of which would be unknown to my soul.

I really feel like I should go give him a hug right about now.

I had a dream last night we were characters in the show "Rome". He was Pullo, a legion man who killed for cash, had a love of the ladies and drink, but in the end saved a woman from slavery and married her. I was Vorena the Elder... which makes NO sense since she's only 17 or so on the show. She was bitter, been treated brutally by slave owners and wants her own father dead for his part in her entering into slavery.

...You know, writing it out it starts to makes some sense. I'm with someone who I adore, someone strong, sometimes scary, but on the whole, I recognize him as a good man. I'm feeling, however, as if I can't be close to him because of how hurt he can make me feel. For all his righteousness, strength, protection and love, he can still cause pain - and never even realize it.

Man, now my head REALLY hurts!

45 minutes later...

We're talking again. Since he said I "had no fucking intention of resolving the conflict" (and who would with that entry to resolution), we seem to be back on an even keel. I waited it out and everything seems fine.

Though perhaps this is me just shutting down again.

Frankly, I wasn't upset before he pissed me off. And I'm not incinuating I don't piss him off from time to time, this just happened to be his day. He asked me, "what's eating at you?" as if he was trying to give me some excuse for "not being myself". Honestly, I had a lovely day cleaning and a nice evening with dinner at his parent's place ...and he was the one, who in my eyes, escalated a stupid argument.

Seriously, I'm just TIRED. I don't have the stamina for this crap anymore. That's why I don't date!

Read Away...

So another spat this evening. Am I surprised? Not really. That's part of life with one person... but it does keep things interesting.

This space is mine. It is the ONE place I can honestly say anything... to what I thought were the anonymous masses. And yet, this is what makes me the bad guy. God forbid I be unhappy, if even for a moment. To express how I feel to... let's see... my Mom, Jesse Steinman and my in-laws (and perhaps some from my family whom I'm not aware of)... no, that's just too much.

NO ONE will take this from me.

Do people really think we're all perfect? I hope not. Every long term relationship I know has dips and doodles. It never changes. That's just part of the sacrifice. It's the stress you accept for having something that wonderful in your life.

What's eating me tonight is, when we fight, if I don't react to provocation, I'm being pretentious; if I do react, I'm making the argument about me, my stress, and not considering his own.

I'm done getting angry. I'm tired of yelling and being defensive. My heart is pounding and I'm upset. I'm hurt and I'm a little... pained in the chest. It doesn't change the fact I love him to death. Doesn't change the fact that I'll be here tomorrow, and the day after. Doesn't change anything about what makes us, "us".

It just hurts.

He loves me, but he also has a god complex. From what I've said before, some of the things I assumed he thought, were in fact, true. Even though I re-wrote history against myself. Based on the fight tonight, I am always wrong. I don't pay attention. I'm a "fucking pretentious bitch". Hey, I called him "an assumptive arse" so we may as well call that one even.

I swore on my life in certainty and he told me to "stick a gun in my mouth". My retort of, "and make life that easy on you, I don't think so" was not taken as lightly as intended.

All I know is the openly broken girl is feeling mighty broken right now. And while I know it won't be for long, it doesn't make this ridiculous argument (over an Indiana Jones movie trailor) go away. I don't know what it'll take this time.

What I do know is my prodding with his parents didn't go over as I thought it might. Poking him while saying things like "yes, my lovely mother", to a request to help with dishes was taken as me "ganging up" on him with his family.

I think he forgets I'm in a new place. Meeting these family members for the first few times. Trying to impress everyone I meet because I can't seem to get the right job and netwokring is everything. Trying to feel confident when I'm anything but. I feel like I'm a million miles away from the person I feel closest to. Once again I'm left at the end of a journal entry asking myself, "what do I do?"

a little home movie...

When it rains...

Well, we made it back to Kincardine just in time for another bout of rainy weather. I thought APRIL showers bring May flowers... alas, they just brought more rain. :-) No matter, we have some shopping to do so it won't really alter our plans for the day.

Upon our return I had two interviews to set up. Canadian Tire and Books and Beans wanted to meet me. I had to make two phone calls but was up at 6:30 so I spent a couple of hours this morning having coffee and enjoying the birds in the backyard - when the phone rang.

Kincardine hospital is looking for administrative assistants! I had submitted my resume through both the Kincardine physician recruiter and the Walkterton HR department for South Bruce Grey Health Centre. Finally it looks like I have a decent chance at staying within my field! This couldn't be more perfect!

So in the next week I have 3 interviews. At least I can feel like we have a shot now. Craig's jobs at the LCBO and Bruce Inn will keept him busy but at least if I can work part time we can be a bit more comfortable. Hooray! Finally we can get our foundations laid.

Also, while in Toronto we had an adjournment of our stupid cases with the Landlord Tenant Board. We'll have to return to Toronto one more time to deal with this garbage. It's so frustrating, it's just not worth the time it takes... I just want them to stop screwing their tenants. We also managed to get in a couple of hours of chill time with Jesse before leaving the city... and I can now comfortably call him an old friend.

It looks like I'll be trying to come back for the family garage sale. It's finally time to hand over "Happy Manor" (my grandparent's home) to the next family. There's still a lot of stuff to go, though and the date is just another headache - my birthday. A day which was never really great for me. Father's Day brings up memories of my father, I rarely even have a birthday party and now the last hurrah for the old homestead. Whoopee, as they say. At least my cousins will be there. Somehow, younger people make things better.

Toronto is an okay place to visit, but I guess it just wasn't meant for me. I'm happy to call this small town home from now on.

Conall was in good spirits when we picked him up from the Rigdens place last night.

Happy days are here again

I won't say too much about the past few days. What I will say is that talking, albeit painful and sometimes difficult, is the best way to air frustrations.

Yes, I knew this before we fought. Yes, I've always been told this by self-help books and psychologists alike. Yes, even my fiance tried to get me to open up before the explosion... but I was fighting back with silence. I often trip up my words when engaged in a quarrel... with family, friends, peers or Craig. I suppose this is one of the reasons writing has always come so easily.

We sat and 'talked', occasionally yelling. And by the end, he understood me a little more, and I understood him. He doesn't hate me. Quite the opposite. He wants to make sure we're taken care of and secure.

How can a girl argue with that?

To be or not to be... what, exactly?

I can stand up for myself, and be seen as a pushy, controlling ... you know, or say nothing and be accused of silent treatment and rudeness. Even excusing myself to have a cigarette after an argument (while he's trying to eat no less) is unacceptable somehow.

And so it begins. Feeling dead inside again. Pen up those emotions so they don't make him mad. Say just enough that he knows I'm listening. Pray that the cats behave - because I'll be blamed. Even though he's lived with them for over a year and a half. It's my fault. They're MINE, after all.

What did I do? Where did I go wrong? Why does he act like he hates me?

How do I fix this?! *smacks head*

I told myself cooler heads may prevail... that the tension was temporary... but it turns out he's the same as I was with my mother... he spends time with his folks and comes home angry at me... I'm not driven enough, I'm not trying hard enough, I'm not meeting people, I'm not doing enough...

God knows this move can't have been a mistake. I love the atmosphere here, the space, the wildlife, the sunscapes, the opportunity. Dear Abby... please help. I'm happier here on the whole... now if I could just be happy at home.

I feel like he's given up on me... and I don't know if there's ANYTHING I can do to change that.