Then a baby cries...

Okay; it's been over two months and I have no one to blame but my lazy-ass self ("self-deprication", for me, it's a good thing).

I got a job at the hospital, much better than slinging coffee or selling bicycles. I get to do the job I always wanted to do, with some great people, in a great community. I feel fufilled for the first time in a long time.

Craig and I still bitch. Not as much, it would seem. Which is funny since we quit smoking earlier this week. I think I'm just naturally part smoker. Or I've just been around it too much... it seems normal to me. I'm not craving it all the time, just with intensity for 20-30 seconds. I keep reminding myself that the reason for quitting isn't for MY health, but for any future children Craig and I should have.

...Then, just yesterday we heard the big news...

Our neighbours, Tabitha and Michael had their baby three weeks early!!! They came home yesterday after a few days in the Walkerton hospital. Calia is a beautiful teeny-little girl; with her dad's nose and her mom's mouth. I wanted to steal her and run away. It was all I could do to keep from crying. She really is the perfect baby.

Mike is acting like a different human being. He's more relaxed, probably because he's exhausted, but he's chilling out a little. He had me take photos of them at the door. The look like the perfect family.

It's only a matter of time before my biological clock starts to deafen me. The funny thing is I think Craig hears it more than I do! LOL

My point is, life keeps moving here. Not in a rush, not at a standstill. Just like a river, we all roll with it to see where we end up. I'm not scared like I was in Toronto. I make connections with people, people I can trust and respect. And I can hope and have dreams, like a little Calia of my own. Just letting myself have that thought is a step in the right direction.

This is home. I may not be a "lifer" (as they call them in-town), but this is where I'm making my life. And I love it.

Happy days are here again

I won't say too much about the past few days. What I will say is that talking, albeit painful and sometimes difficult, is the best way to air frustrations.

Yes, I knew this before we fought. Yes, I've always been told this by self-help books and psychologists alike. Yes, even my fiance tried to get me to open up before the explosion... but I was fighting back with silence. I often trip up my words when engaged in a quarrel... with family, friends, peers or Craig. I suppose this is one of the reasons writing has always come so easily.

We sat and 'talked', occasionally yelling. And by the end, he understood me a little more, and I understood him. He doesn't hate me. Quite the opposite. He wants to make sure we're taken care of and secure.

How can a girl argue with that?

home sweet, sweet home.

If you can reach Nirvana...

I am in heaven here.

Granted, I'm not working yet so life is pretty stress free, but am I ever at home in this small town.

I don't have tones of time to write as we are getting the 'net next week, but in the meantime, know I made it here, I'm happier than ever and the pets are thrilled to have so much room to run around.

This is where I'm meant to be. I think it may be genetic.

Life here is honest. I love it.

We're packing up and moving on!

Well we're getting ready to pack up the Uhaul and load our things for the big journey. No more being crushed on the TTC, no more being hit by said Transit vehicles, no more stress from our slum lords or stepping in dog crap in our hallway. No more. We're cashing in and getting out.

I can't wait to see how the next few days will go. I'm sure they'll be stress, maybe even name calling. But 3 bedrooms and a yard is a wonderful bonus. Get me outta here! Let's blow this popcicle stand!

It's all so bizarre!

Most of my worldly possessions are in boxes. Craig and I are preparing for Tuesday's move ahead of schedule, since we'll be picking up the moving truck a day ahead of time.

For the past few days we've split our time between hanging out watching documentaries, arguing over the state of Tibet on Facebook and rooting through our things, sorting the movable from the trash.

I gave my old, "fat" clothes to the Value Village and gave my fish to a 10 year old girl. I've thrown out 4 garbage bags of things from my past that aren't necessary for me to have anymore. The things I've kept have been sorted and packed into labelled boxes - just so they'll be easier to relocate.

Our poor pets think the world is coming to an end. Little do they know they're making the long journey with us!

Our friends are throwing a BBQ to say goodbye. Proof that while I may be over this city, it's home to people I'll miss dearly.

I love all the opportunity that the next few days hold. The excitement of a new chapter begining. The start of something big. It's daunting and even little frightening, but it'll be worth it in the end.

ArrivaderLa!

Things are coming along... :-) FINALLY!

Welcome to my house... Okay, it's Max Rybinski's house... but we rent it! :-)

Oh, happy day! Kincardine, here I come!!!

All I can say...

Post Script

Job interviews are lining up, my confidence is gaining and I'm actually excited about the prospect of work again. With my attitude change, people are taking more notice of me and it seems like something may happen soon! I'll be keeping my fingers crossed.

Positively Positive

Well, therapy does help. I'll never speak out against it.

Everytime I come home recently, I feel like the weight is a little lighter, and the sun's a little brighter... know what I mean? The world is looking up. I'm taking responsibility for what's mine, assigning blame where it's due, and best of all, trusting in ME. No mom to speak her 2 cents on everything I do. Day in, day out I can just be me and appreciate it. I can love who I am.

For a woman who professed that was the one thing she tried to teach me, she had surefire ways for keeping me down. Like choosing my clothes, telling me I was too fat, being condescending rather that uplifting. Focused solely on the harm I've caused in life, rather than the fact I was supposedly what she'd always wanted. A child. Not a friend, or a Barbie Doll to show off.

I love how I'm starting to feel. I hate the fact I may never speak to her again. But it's helping me, and if it helps me for now, then I have to honour that.

I've been looking for work all morning and am about to take a break from the computer. It feels good to really be excited about going out - not scared or anxious.

I'm gonna make it after all. And then everyone can bite me. ;-)

New things, changes, remodelling, it's all a metaphor...

Our brand spankin`new futon, made by my father-in-law.

Our home finally looks like a home. This has settled me greatly. And Craig loves the fact we can actually sit next to each other on the couch. :-) In other happy notes, our puppy has been so hyper since the snow fall started, we've had no choice but to spend hours outside. This has been good for my my head and my body.

Conall eats as much snow as he can while laying in it simultaneously.

EEEEEEK! I'M ENGAGED!

I'm getting married!!!

Fall/Winter 2008, Irish/Eco-friendly theme, Casa Loma or a hotel downtown... that's about all I know... and frankly, it's so far away I consider myself to be ahead.

I'm thrilled, my family is thrilled, his family is shocked, but happy and our cats are still little freaks. We have no idea how they're going to react to the puppy we'll be adopting sometime in the next couple of weeks, but we're hoping will everything will go alright.

I'm catching the tail end of UFC 69 and trying to take notes since Craig and I will be starting Boken and Jujitsu training in a couple of months. This year bikini season will be kickass! :-) Plus, I'll get to walk around with a big stick! Just call me Linda Carter!!! ...did I just date myself too much?

Well, hello there... I didn't see you come in... :-)

I know, I know it's been almost 4 months since I posted... and as I've quoted Chris before, "usually that means things are going really good or really bad..."

...well, surprise! For the second time in a row, things are really good.

1) I scrapped the old job of high stress and little pay off for... well, a great job at Toronto Western Hospital... I've got all the perks of working in a hospital, doing the job I thought I'd need to wait at least 4 more years for. Huzzah!

2) The relationship front is fantastic. Craig moved in a few weeks ago and we're looking for a bigger apartment for the 4 of us... (Cats included). He makes me feel like the most special, wonderful person in the world. I gotta say, I like that. Our coming to live together was a decision, not something forced. In fact folks, this IS the one. There, I said it. No taking it back now... we're getting engaged next April. ...crazy shit for the once party-animal extrordinairre. Mind you, I'm not supposed to know this... you see, Craig knows about livejournal, but doesn't know my page or if I even still write in it... LOL... I got him REALLY drunk on his birthday last week and got him to spill the beans. :-D I'm a naughty monkey...(La seinge sur la branche) - for A.J.

3) I've started therapy and am on anti-depressants... for the first time though, I don't feel like I'm being muted... I feel like I'm more like me... which is nice... and I'm dealing with things I've pushed down for too long. Things like losing so many people in my life and acting tough about it... because people seemed to find that admirable. Now I can really cry, and it passes... and I'm no longer ashamed of it.

4) I'm spending time with friends while in a relationship. There's a first! Katie and I see each other whenever she's in town and schedules permit and today... oh, happy day! I saw A.J. for the first time since Craig and I started dating. We, like all of you should, are going out for "ZOMBIE WALK". And we will be the most horrible, terrifying, fantastic dead girls out there. After buying our gashes and "fresh scab" (hmmmmm....scabby), we spent a whole day flitting from store-to-store in kenzington market... including a not-so-fantastic lunch at Last Temptation... don't go for the service... OR the food for that matter... DO go for the price. ...after, it was back to A.J.'s for some make-up tests and Eddie Izzard... tell me THAT isn't a match made in heaven! ;-)Anyway, Zombie Walk: it will be fun. And you should come, too. Check out www.torontozombiewalk.com for more info.

5) The "kids" aka my cats are good too. They are happy and healthy and full of energy. I love coming home to find them wrestling or curled up together on the couch... they make life more relaxing around here. Gotta love 'em.

6) My mother is fabulous and is still harbouring my cousin. Ouch. Though she DID just celebrate her birthday and I kicked ass with the gifts. :-) Overall she's doing well, just a little crazy... but what mom isn't?...come to think about it, that's really all that's going on in my life. And I'm good.Thanks for listening folks... I'll try to come around here more often... :-)