oh-me, oh-migrane...

This won't likely be that long since the computer screen is making my eyes want to shrivel up and die. I just had to make a quick post... has anyone else ever been stood up at a job interview? Or am I the only one? I won't go into details but it seems the interviewer was ill and... well, just forgot I was coming in today. That makes me feel important. :-)

Craig and I are still kind of on pins and needles, but he's working today so that's kind of out of sight out of mind right now. I'm starting to think, by the things we fight about and the things he says, that I've been judging this scenario all wrong. I went for a long walk down to my interview and back (hooray for not driving), and had plenty of time alone with my iPod Shuffle to think it out.

Here are some things I think about my 'husband':

1. He loves me.
2. He loves being right almost as much.
3. He wants to make me happy.
4. He is as frustrated with the job front/hunt as I am.
5. He feels I'm unhappy with him.
6. He feels I don't pay attention to him - EVER.
7. He seems to be starting to get the impression I don't even care about him.

Here's what I know about me:

1. I love him to death and wouldn't want to be with anyone else.
2. He makes me happy. Just being near him (when we're not fighting) makes me smile.
3. I appreciate how much he puts himself out for me.
4. I let him be "right" about things I may not agree with, because I can't have discussions without arguments.
5. I TRY to pay attention so much more than I ever have - mostly because due to HIS coercion, my short term memory has suffered. This is a new revelation that really irritates me.
6. I don't show my love for him as often as I should and, being typically female, rely on daily "I love you's".
7. If he really was unhappy with me, I'd let him go in the interests of his happiness. Even though it would likely send me into a pit of despair the likes of which would be unknown to my soul.

I really feel like I should go give him a hug right about now.

I had a dream last night we were characters in the show "Rome". He was Pullo, a legion man who killed for cash, had a love of the ladies and drink, but in the end saved a woman from slavery and married her. I was Vorena the Elder... which makes NO sense since she's only 17 or so on the show. She was bitter, been treated brutally by slave owners and wants her own father dead for his part in her entering into slavery.

...You know, writing it out it starts to makes some sense. I'm with someone who I adore, someone strong, sometimes scary, but on the whole, I recognize him as a good man. I'm feeling, however, as if I can't be close to him because of how hurt he can make me feel. For all his righteousness, strength, protection and love, he can still cause pain - and never even realize it.

Man, now my head REALLY hurts!