Another day dawns...

Well, having caught up on a couple of days worth of pictures and posts, I know there is much on my mind. The tension between Craig and I is becoming unbearable at times, leaving us snapping at each other over the stupidest things. We're losing our ability to fight constructively, partially because I have no will to fight or stand up anymore. I'm too tired for arguing. The constant rattle in my brain is enough, thank you very much.

I don't know what to do anymore, like life is slipping by and I'm grasping at the few remaining fibres, trying to hold them together with all the strength in my hands.

If Craig turned his back, I'd have nearly no one. No one who's trust I've earned and can rely on. I'd have to go back to my beloved smother... I mean mother! The thought that she would have me back in her life based on my inability to care for myself... it reinforces everything I think she wants out of me. I don't want to let her have it.

She responded to my email again but I haven't and won't read it. I don't really care what she thinks. Craig read it and responded... I wonder what was said but at the same time feel better just putting it out of my head. He's trying to protect me - just like she did.

I feel bad for hurting her... and yet, there's nothing good in that. I hate/am angry at her for what she did over the years no good in that either. Even in all my sadness that supposedly comes from her - I manage to have my brain spin it so it's all my fault. I don't think she understands that. And there's definitely no good to come from that.

I love the times... well, that's the sad part... there aren't many times I remember having fun and not feeling like I had to be "on". Buying clothes together, going for lunch... really it was always shopping related. We actually didn't share much of a sense of humour.... I don't remember laughing anymore. I know there must have been times... but the only time I remember was when we were outside telling stories about Dad right after he passed, watching the sunset. I remember crying at the same time though, so I'm not sure that counts.

The best thing I have in my life, I'm afraid of losing. But then again, people have a history of turning their back on me, and I tend to prepare for the worst.

As for now, I need to join my love in bed. It's late, and since we haven't killed each other yet, we may as well enjoy sleeping next to each other until the next lover's quarrel.

I love this man to death!