Aunt's Retort

Hi Megs.

Kathy thinks very highly of you and has not given up on you. I know that for sure. When you are hurting, she is hurting. When you are having a bad time, she is having a bad time. No parent or child is perfect...that is for sure but one thing that never changes is that she would do anything for you...as would any of your Aunts/Uncles if you needed anything. Also, I don't think of you as screwed up or the black sheep at all. I think of you as your own person.

However, the most important thing is how YOU see yourself. You CAN change how you see yourself...but you have to want to change. It may take some work and time but you CAN DO IT MEGAN. I know you can. You just need to WANT to change... to be who you want to be and do what you want to do. It may take a lot of determination, perseverance, hard work and persistence at times...and there will be ups and downs along the way. But I know that deep inside you, you have what it takes to be the person you want to be. This may all sound a bit corny but true. Be gentle with yourself Megabucks. And don't forget that your family loves you and we are here if you need anything.

Bye for now and keep in touch.

Love to you too!

Shannon

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Oh Shan,

I don't want this to sound harsh so please note my sedatives for the night are kicking in.
I am who I want to be.
I don't want to change.
I think that's a big part of how the family perceives me.
I didn't realize THAT was what it was for a long time...
but I AM the black sheep.
I'm just coming to accept that's okay.I'm looking for acceptance of all of me from the family, not token graces because "that's what family does", you know?

-Megs

Mom's response email was just too long to completely ignore. I had to get my one point across. Kathy Doherty, you aren't perfect, you weren't when you got me, you never will be and I'm not either and that's okay .
________________________________________
I knew you couldn't just listen... Defensive guilt trips were going to follow... Now, I don't have much else to say because each of your emails only make me worse... this is no dramatic exaggeration but your last one had me in crying in bed for the whole day - catholic guilt at it's best, eh? I just wanted you to understand ONE THING you kinda fibbed through in your last email.

I heard you on the phone perfectly: you didn't want to plan until I am mentally healthy and working full time... In fact, I SAID THE WORDS FOR YOU! Truthfully, no, I can't promise I'll be there in 10 months, and Craig knows that. It doesn't change anything between us, besides our personal fiances, and those are looking up for him. When he told his parents the wedding was postponed because of my mental condition, his parents were shocked... just so you know, not EVERYONE thinks you did the right thing...

The bottom line is I'm shocked you had so little faith in me as to do / say those things in the first place. I know you see this as being something good and "right", something to save me. But now, you've made yourself from a wedding planner to MAYBE being an invitee.

AND since all your money is off the table, why don't you print all these off and take these emails to a psycho-therapist, have him/her read it and talk out some of your issues. I don't think I'm the only one here who needs help... and I'm the daughter so you talking out your "lonely" or "Dad issues" with me is innappropriate. Go see a shrink... or be a weeping widow your whole life, I don't care... but I don't want any more of the ongoing saddness, guilt and mind-games from you.

Pained by you, beyond belief...
m.

PS - You won't get any more emails (or calls) until I see my shrink or I'll end up committing myself for 48 hours for assessment (almost gone twice). My meds are not enough to deal with this kind of hurt alone and everytime I read one of your letters I feel manipulated, guilted...really mostly manipulated - you're really very good at it.

PPS - If you really are trying to show love, try saying NOTHING but loving words. It's a good place to start. Sadly I can't be the bigger person to do that, because I'm the DAUGHTER.

Mom's Retort

Megs,

Well I guess you and I are at cross purposes on a lot of very importantthings and for that I am sorry and very saddened. I will try and respond point by point but as usual it won't be in the same logical order as you have made your feelings known.

I am sorry you feel excluded and not included about things/issuesthat are going on with me. It's not done intentionally it's more by habit or attrition I guess as time has gone on and what I often perceive as your lack of interest. You become absorbed in your own life which you should be and I do understand that. I am in a word lonely a lot of the time without your Dad and have been making a concerted effort to fill my days better. So I am working two nights a week helping Somali Muslim children with their homework through Frontier College as I mentioned. I go five mornings a week to spend time with your Nan and all day Sunday .... which I admit can be a bit much at times as she's no great conversationalist. I am sorry if I didn't listen better to youasking to visit. At one point you told me you couldn't go to a place like that and you did tell me last time we met that maybe you could arrange to visit at another time. I guess I thought you would have mademore of an effort because you love me...not really because of Nan because as we all know she doesn't know who the hell any of are so it'swasn't particularly for her. And I guess that hurt me. I didn't wantit to be a forced obligation visit...if you know what I mean. I guess I was waiting to have you call and say how bout you pick me up and I'llgo with you today. or Hey Mom I thought I just pop in for a visit to see you today without having any real purpose. But as I read your e-mail, I obviously don't make it easy or enticing for you to do so andthat breaks my heart.

I do stuff with Joanne and had by the way the most horrendous weekend at the cottage .... Jo and one of her oldest friends are now no longer speaking. As another aside Jo didn't write that note related to the wedding in particular. When I called her about her e-mail to you she didn't know what I was talking about. She said she asked you to work the manulife show and was referring to you having a tough time of late... no more than that. She said she had no idea whether i was really going to do anything about the wedding or not. Also I didn't discuss this with my siblings or anyone else. And Megan I asked to meet with you and Craig today Sunday but you told me it was his only day off and Monday was no good etc. I wanted to meet with both of you face to face not over the telephone. That's all....because what I wanted to say affected both of you and you both had the right to react.

1. Believe it or not I do have faith in you and will have to choose mywords more carefully. You are bright, funny, caring, intense, interesting, articulate, lovable, a cornucopia of many more wonderful traits. And I believe you don't always believe in what you are capable of or how wonderful you are and how proud I am of you and apparently that is also my doing. I think, and this is my opinion, that you sometimes bring a lot of preconceived notions into what I say ... and hear stuff that I haven't actually said or have meant. I know you feelI am too judgmental and critical and I obviously have to do a way better job in that area. My parents were like that and I hated it too.Believe or not I have been trying but often you say I say things I haven't said so it can be very frustrating for me. A damned if you do and damned if you don't scenario. But keep calling me on it and unlike an old dog I can learn, in this case, to be more demonstrative and a better listener. Unlike me, you have always been a toucher and a hugger and I love and envy that about you!

2. I will always love you and have felt bonded with you since the moment I held you in my arms. You're my kid period. If you have to question that or think I'm questioning that it's like being punched in the gut or feeling betrayed if you will. Probably much the same feeling you had when I put the wedding on hold....not cancelled it. And yes on the phone I thought you sounded a lot better more even keeled, interested in things more etc. And then I literally pulled therug out from under you. Make me feel great about myself..,or proud... or happy...no!

3. I have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING against Craig in any way. If either of you feel that way I'm at a complete loss. What have I done or said to make you believe this? He asked for your hand and I gladly agreed. I haven't changed my opinion that he is the right mate for you. He's a great all round guy who unreservedly loves you and is committed to you.Who wouldn't like him or want him for a son-in-law. Now, imagine forsecond, if you had come to me and said Mom I want to marry this great guy that I love who is having emotional problems and can't work and it's tough going on me to make it month to month... would I not have been as concerned and worried as I am right now? Does that make any sense to you or have I completely lost it in your eyes when I play rolereversal?

4. You have said I have cancelled the wedding and I said it was on holdfor the time being. Are you saying you have no faith in yourself that you can put time and effort into getting better? I believed in my heart that you were going to be quite happy spending the next ten months focussing on wedding stuff and avoid or delay getting on with the day to day stuff of living. Is this again where I am displaying a lack of faith in you to you?Getting back on your feet again first was to me the most important thing for your happiness together. Is that so wrong as a parent to feel that way? We can pull a wedding together in short order. I don't care about the down payment one way or the other. You read far too much into my line. It's more s-o-o-o I could possibly lose 2 thousand...big deal. I believe there is a bigger issue at stake here as you know. And yes I realize that you can get married tomorrow if you decide to. For me it's never been a case of whether you are right for each other, I believe you are, but whether or not it's the right time. And I also understand that you strongly disagree with me.

5. Ahhh, Money. The root of all evil. I don't care about it... I don't care if you don't have tons... or ever have tons as long as you have enough to have a roof over your head, put food on the table and feed the critters. Is that unreasonable? This diamond that I apparently flash around is being taken permanently off the table. I hear you loud and clear. No more offers as you requested. I guess I felt that you really only see me when you want something from me. Not because you are materialistic...I have never thought that...but as you said because you were broke or in trouble. See how we are at cross purposes. So I used it as a connection. And yes I don't mind helping out. You're my daughter. Whatever I have will be yours someday anyway.I didn't think of it as charity but more what families do... we help each other. Like Craig helping (okay doing the lion share of work) on the porch, helping hang pictures etc. To me that kind of help is priceless and I will never forget it. Why? Because he didn't have to do it. I don't have to give you money. I did it to help and because I love you. And yes I also want you to be self-sufficient at the same time.

6. I'm sorry you feel my brothers and sisters are money grubbing capitalists with skewed values. I love them one and all. At no time in my conversation with you on the phone or my e-mail do I believe I ever said anything about how your aunts and uncles feel about you...so I can't answer that because nobody has said to me any of the things you mentioned to me. (After your dad died maybe but not now!) As a matter of fact they ask questions like it must be such an adjustment and traumatic for Megan meeting her sister, contacting her birth family etcand ask how you are coping with it all etc....I am shocked and they would be too to hear that any of us treat you differently since meeting or hearing about Beth. I thought Beth was lovely and couldn't be happier for you that she is part of your life. What have I said or done or not said or done that makes you feel differently?

Your aunts and uncles can't wait to meet Beth or anyone else in your birth family and think it's great you have a natural brother and sister. I swear it . Cross my heart and hope to die. And...they all like Craig very much and look forward to seeing both of you. I don't know where this is coming from other than my brother Jim can be a jerk sometimes and take it upon himself to make unsolicited comments. Jim is clueless. He told everyone that Megan and Kathy were bonding all weekend at the cottage and had a great time together! See what I mean.

You have often told me that you feel they sit in judgement on you and I can't change how you feel about that because perception is reality. Why not confront them about it? And yes with Craig you have seen more of the family...which everyone has thought was great. They like seeing you...both of you...is that so terrible?

7. And yes I signed the contract as you correctly stated. To be honest I didn't want to be the bad guy in all this and I didn't want to reach the stage we are currently at with you hating me. Lately I've had a lot of graveside chats with your Dad over this as I felt the same way as when you couldn't go to school in Grade 9. Funnily enough then you told me if I can only work Mom instead of going to school. I'm good at working. And I said what would happen the first time your boss said you didn't do a good job and yelled at you. Your answer was I'd have to go home. At that time your Dad and I did whatever it took to help you get back to school and face your fears and anxieties. I feel the same way about this.

And as I re-read your e-mail again to make sure I covered all areas, I'd just like to say as much as you hate hating me I will always love loving you.

Love,
Mom
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IN RETROSPECT: More of the same old horse shit. And she thought my grandma was good at backhanded compliments. It was her job to reach out to me... how else am I to know? Frankly, my life has been simpler (now Jan 2008) not having to worry about them. It's not like they were making me feel better while I've been broke and feeling like crap when I WAS in contact with them. Quite the contrary. I can't depend on them and they crush me mentally, so why should I bother? ...I just wish the catholic guilt wasn't so strong. Even then I read back and see, "This diamond that I apparently flash around is being taken permanently off the table. I hear you loud and clear. No more offers as you requested. I guess I felt that you really only see me when you want something from me. Not because you are materialistic...I have never thought that...but as you said because you were broke or in trouble." Wow.

After putting forth $20,000 and a $2,000 deposit at our venue, my mother has said she won't plan the wedding any further. This was the ultimate response I had to come to.

Dear Mom:

I’m not sure how to start without you assuming I’m attacking you. I was nothing if not relaxed on the phone and composed during the writing of the email. I really just need you to understand how I feel. I don't loathe you, but I am frustrated, sad and feel very betrayed.

Before I start on retorting to anything, I’d like to address some things you ignored in my first letter to you and explain their significance:

You don’t come to me with your issues or family needs until it’s too late. You perceive me as pulling away, but I keep asking to be included and you ignore me... so I go on with my life - NOT ignoring you, just going on with whatever it is I do.

You did try to defer having the conversation about the wedding. When I told you Craig was starting a new job you suggested next weekend... and until I said the exact words for you, you resisted having the talk.

I make a direct note of people having problems getting you to hear their need for your attention. This seems self-explanatory. I have been there, but I am always crapped on as the black sheep. Your family thinks I ignore you, they don’t approve of my inability to work and since Beth’s appearance I feel like they see me as a totally different person.

You are also still leaving me out of the loop on Nan.

One more wedding related note; you sent the contract in a week before calling me with this news. You didn’t even just make the deposit... you signed the contract too!

One brief point: in your letter you said “I am doing this because I love you, not to torture...or whatever you have decided is my diabolically unfair reason.” I never said you had one. This was your assumption. In fact, I believe you thought you were doing the right thing, you just didn’t realize the full consequences for someone who has severe issues with sudden change (anxiety sufferers, for one).

Look, I’m broke, I can admit that. I’m comfortable with that. ...but everything in the family revolves around money. How the siblings rank your house, what kind of gifts the kids get, how new your clothes are, how many shoes you have, what your title is, how much grandpa wrote a cheque for, where your degree is from... It hurts me when I see the family in this light... but I need to start confronting a lot of things I don’t want to.

With regard to my pulling away, you are as cold and distant as Pluto! I’m always the one who goes for the hug, tells you I love you and all that other “mushy” stuff you never wanted to partake in. I’ve been doing my damnest recently to hold my life together, finding out I've been I've been treated for years for the wrong condition, trying to write letters to blood relatives I’ve never met, being unsteadily unemployed... If anything, in this time I have made a marked effort to come closer with your siblings and Dad’s side, particularly since Craig has come into my life – ON THIS POINT YOU ARE FABRICATING HALF-TRUTHS.

More than your attention, I wanted your faith in me. You did say that you are “most optimistic for [me]”, but you want me to “get my shit[self] together” so you don’t lose two thousand dollars... You’ve never been one to readily give faith, but as a lot of other older parents I’ve spoken to say, “you ALWAYS have faith in your child”. You can tell me your optimistic and that you want to see me better, but actions speak louder and with our communications, I can’t believe that’s true. I think you want to want to see me better. But confidence, pride, esteem, these are things I did not learn from friends, school, or you. You taught me how to pitch a great facade to the world, though.

Because impressions are everything... And before you say those are just glass tigers in my head - there’s a reason I’m so fixated on it. Your whole family is a billboard for capitalism, the shiny ‘burbs where your clothes and car are who you are and your life insurance is how people remember you.

And I really... I want no part of it. You were right when I said I’m a grown up. And I know I don’t want those types of influences in my life. The wedding statement, ultimatum, call it whatever you want, was the jockey that broke the camels back.

I don’t want to get in an email fight and end it with you giving me rent money. Or cancelling the wedding and giving me left-over money for debt. I don’t want your money, period. I never wanted money. On every occasion I received money, I made a point to be sure everyone knew it was appreciated but not expected!!! I’m broke - so you hold an upper hand here that you flash like a diamond... I don’t want your charity, rescue, float, etc... not because I’m too prideful or ashamed; but I’m sick over everyone thinking I’m materialistic and after money (including you).

I know I’m not your blood, you don’t have that particular bond with me. I wish you could admit that or something. Since I met Beth you’ve been totally different towards me. And that’s funny ‘cause I barely talk to her... I don’t know anyone... they just know I exist.

What I do know, is your email response was more dramatic than my initial questioning email. You made me realize you have no faith in my choices or respect for my lifestyle. I suspect you barely tolerate Craig, because you’ve said you know if you didn’t, I’d REALLY pull away.

In order to “get my shit together” I need to get away from you, at least temporarily. I’m starting to see you are a part of my problems and continuing to have contact while I’m in a crisis state only makes me more vulnerable. I'm sorry if that hurts to hear but it's the truth.

Love,

Meg

PS – If you were really up to stopping the wedding, you shouldn’t have initiated something we can get over the internet for $15 and signed for $50. Not saying we’re going to, but really, if we wanted to, it could be done tomorrow.

All Hallows Eve...

Life is good this Hallowe'en day.

Got a job. Starting tomorrow.

So excited and nervous.

Probably won't sleep much.

Next Monday meeting the people at the Delta for the wedding booking... it's all real now!

Also in unrelated news... Dog the Bounty Hunter is a racist... "Something ain't right."

Conall is getting HUGE. Bigger than the picture below... love them both to pieces!

Last Will & Testament of a Single Girl's Heart

Well, as mentioned in my last post (5 months ago, might I add), my life has been a crazy whirlwind recently. Perhaps it's because there's about a year until the big day, perhaps it's just a John Cusack moment, but I have been settling old business like it's going out of style.

Erik Segelbaum (my high school sweetheart), and I no longer speak. Turns out he grew up to be everything I loathe. Ouch. I hate it when that happens.

Sean Seymour and I are still buddies and he's thrilled to hear about the wedding... he was the one guys who ALWAYS drank me under the table...and those who knew me back in the day know that was a HUGE feat!

Steve Cowan and I found our peace where we could and resolved to put aside our childishness. We'll never be close friends, but we're okay with that.

Jesse Steinman and I made peace earlier this year and it seems we may have even become grown ups and *gulp* FRIENDLY. Scary.

I even got back in touch with my FIRST CRUSH from highschool... Tey... he has my record for best shoot-down ever... ME, "I really like you... like, more than a friend... and I was wondering..." HIM, "I'm gay. How could you not tell?"

And of course, there was Chris Mitchell, those who know my LJ will be very familiar with the name. A thorn in my side if I ever had one - and this twig bore no rose. One last long message; and I can say it's the last because when I'm done with this they'll be nothing left for me to say...

"One last shot... good on ye" was the best he had to say when I text messaged him last week. I can't remember the details, besides my telling him, in no uncertain terms, how horribly he fucked with my head. He tried to act as if the EXPERIENCE of being with him was something we deserved thanksgiving for... after all, NOW I'm getting married. So shouldn't I be happy that the experience with him got me to this point? Urm... NO. Flat out.

Chris, let me say this to you directly: I may not know how you've changed (AND MY GOD, I PRAY YOU HAVE), but what you did to me was painful, devastating, scarring, mortifying, embarrasing, childish and mean. Not the heartbreak. That happens all the time and I got very good at it. I mean the psycological hell I went through over the past two years to figure it all out. You may as well be a dungeon master - and NOT the good kind. You twisted the language so I was never 'girlfriend', just friends, we never dated, even though I lived with you... you JUST didn't want me... and that would've been OK - had you been honest about it and turned me away.

I know I'm not the only one... I know some of their names. Sadly, there are SO any more that I don't. All I wanted to know was that you understood what you did and that you will NEVER act that way again - to any woman. Look at your neice and think what you would've done if she'd been with someone like you...

On that note, if you see me with a tall redhead with a goatee, do me a favour and just make yourself disappear. Craig has already made his feelings about you REALLY clear to me and frankly, I'm not going to stand in his way.

Maybe it's your creepy tiny hands or the fact you won't tell a soul about how they got that way. Maybe it was the time you threw me into your dresser or the time you didn't show up at my grandfathers funeral. Maybe it was the way you made ME end it, when I was so fragile... I'd love to see you get all fucked up. I really just wish I were trained enough to beat you to a pulp myself.

*SIGH*

Time to get a restraining order Chris... sounds like I may have some unresolved rage issues, too.

And with that, my readers, I am going to retire. For NOW, I have a man who tells me he loves me everyday, wishes me sweet dreams EVERY night, holds me close - even when I lash out in anger, supports me no matter WHAT I'm going through, takes better care of me than my own mother does, brings me flowers for no reason, cuddles anytime I ask, lets me chose the movie... the list goes on... and the kicker is, this one really IS fated.

"From this life, and THROUGH the next"

The start of the "illness"...

After our engagement, Craig and I have moved into our new digs and are settling in as best we can... it's bizarre to have to shout at each other just to be heard or to both be at home, yet out of each others line-of-sight.

I've also been pretty sick recently... my GP says I likely have Gastroesophegial Reflux Disease, or "GERD" - sounds nice doesn't it?




On the up side and the wonderful side, LJ peeps, I'd like you to meet our new BABY!!!




Conall, this is LiveJournal [now Blogger]. Livejournal [now Blogger], this is Conall.

CONALL RIGDEN

Born: February 9, 2007.

Adopted: April 20, 2007.

1/2 White German Shepherd

1/2 Domesticated Wolf

100% Cutie Pie

So again for the 400th time I'm sorry I can't live the abundant online life I once did... but I do have some pretty nice things in my life that are really time consuming. Seriously, could you say no to a face like that?! :-)Hugs to everyone!(And kisses from Conall)

EEEEEEK! I'M ENGAGED!

I'm getting married!!!

Fall/Winter 2008, Irish/Eco-friendly theme, Casa Loma or a hotel downtown... that's about all I know... and frankly, it's so far away I consider myself to be ahead.

I'm thrilled, my family is thrilled, his family is shocked, but happy and our cats are still little freaks. We have no idea how they're going to react to the puppy we'll be adopting sometime in the next couple of weeks, but we're hoping will everything will go alright.

I'm catching the tail end of UFC 69 and trying to take notes since Craig and I will be starting Boken and Jujitsu training in a couple of months. This year bikini season will be kickass! :-) Plus, I'll get to walk around with a big stick! Just call me Linda Carter!!! ...did I just date myself too much?

Who's that girl?!

I can't believe it either, but yes, I'm updating my livejournal [now blogger]. So much is happening, I hardly know where to begin. Bear with me, I have a feeling this one may be a long one.

I guess it all started about a year ago when Kyle and I split. I hung out with Chris a few last times and then began seeing Craig. An old flame, turned friend, re-turned flame.

I didn't know it the first day I saw him. I guess I was just so excited to see an old friend - someone who was always good to me no matter what I said or did. We had lunch and I decided to visit his home in Barrie... that afternoon.

It all happened so fast. It's easy for me to say I love you when I've already said it for the first time, so for Craig and I, I guess I knew within moments of having his arms around me. Nothing had changed besides my attitude towards men. I was a woman with my own career, priorities and goals and I was not in the mood for any man who wasn't in 'it'. I was sick of the games and the bull.

I'm no one's "sugar momma", I wasn't going to be anyone's shrink or end up so mentally twisted around someone I'd stand in -20 degree weather just to have a chance to talk to them. To some that may sound romantic - but in those days, I was a total headcase. I still kinda am - but the meds help. :-)

Speaking of meds, I was also sick from January 10th - February 8th. It was a cold that felt like the flu and just would NOT leave me alone. So after a lot of thinking and a lot of time off work... *drum roll please*...I QUIT SMOKING!!!! WOOT! Took me long enough! And it made me get better faster. I know that's common sense, but really, who knew?!

Anyway, around his birthday last year (after a summer of road trips, visits to Wonderland and a great job change for me), I got him drunk and found out his plans for a proposal. It was all so sweet I was just eating it up. He wanted to take me to Sigma Chi's Founder's Ball (March 31st), and while in Windsor, he was going to take me to the U Windsor student pub, where he was bartending the night we met (September 11, 2001). I was in love with the idea, though pretty sure he wouldn't do it once I knew about it.

To top it all off, it turns out our friends are getting married too - and their Stag and Doe party will be on the same night that Craig wants to propose to me. So it's not going to happen then. That and his change to a new (and very lucrative) job only recently took place. I can wait a while longer for a ring. It's not the important thing to me, anyway. So we ARE going to get married. We just don't know when it will be "official" with both our families (something equally important to BOTH of us).

In the meantime we still haven't killed each other in the Bachelor apartment...

I'll let you marvel at that for a moment...But we've put in our letter that we are moving on or before April 30th!!! I'm terrified and I absolutely HATE moving, but there you have it. We're looking in the area of High Park for a 2 bedroom apartment and Craig is already scouting for a puppy to adopt (we have agreed NOT to buy when there are so many that need good homes). Of course, our cats are none-the-wiser on our puppy plans, but we're sure they'll get along fine.

I still haven't figured out what I'm going to do with all that space. It will probably look pretty barren until we have a change to buy some "grown-up" looking furniture.

So... yeah, I think that's the brief update. With the one I love, lovin' the one I'm with and looking forward to 2007. Thus far, it's looking pretty bright. :-)

Well, hello there... I didn't see you come in... :-)

I know, I know it's been almost 4 months since I posted... and as I've quoted Chris before, "usually that means things are going really good or really bad..."

...well, surprise! For the second time in a row, things are really good.

1) I scrapped the old job of high stress and little pay off for... well, a great job at Toronto Western Hospital... I've got all the perks of working in a hospital, doing the job I thought I'd need to wait at least 4 more years for. Huzzah!

2) The relationship front is fantastic. Craig moved in a few weeks ago and we're looking for a bigger apartment for the 4 of us... (Cats included). He makes me feel like the most special, wonderful person in the world. I gotta say, I like that. Our coming to live together was a decision, not something forced. In fact folks, this IS the one. There, I said it. No taking it back now... we're getting engaged next April. ...crazy shit for the once party-animal extrordinairre. Mind you, I'm not supposed to know this... you see, Craig knows about livejournal, but doesn't know my page or if I even still write in it... LOL... I got him REALLY drunk on his birthday last week and got him to spill the beans. :-D I'm a naughty monkey...(La seinge sur la branche) - for A.J.

3) I've started therapy and am on anti-depressants... for the first time though, I don't feel like I'm being muted... I feel like I'm more like me... which is nice... and I'm dealing with things I've pushed down for too long. Things like losing so many people in my life and acting tough about it... because people seemed to find that admirable. Now I can really cry, and it passes... and I'm no longer ashamed of it.

4) I'm spending time with friends while in a relationship. There's a first! Katie and I see each other whenever she's in town and schedules permit and today... oh, happy day! I saw A.J. for the first time since Craig and I started dating. We, like all of you should, are going out for "ZOMBIE WALK". And we will be the most horrible, terrifying, fantastic dead girls out there. After buying our gashes and "fresh scab" (hmmmmm....scabby), we spent a whole day flitting from store-to-store in kenzington market... including a not-so-fantastic lunch at Last Temptation... don't go for the service... OR the food for that matter... DO go for the price. ...after, it was back to A.J.'s for some make-up tests and Eddie Izzard... tell me THAT isn't a match made in heaven! ;-)Anyway, Zombie Walk: it will be fun. And you should come, too. Check out www.torontozombiewalk.com for more info.

5) The "kids" aka my cats are good too. They are happy and healthy and full of energy. I love coming home to find them wrestling or curled up together on the couch... they make life more relaxing around here. Gotta love 'em.

6) My mother is fabulous and is still harbouring my cousin. Ouch. Though she DID just celebrate her birthday and I kicked ass with the gifts. :-) Overall she's doing well, just a little crazy... but what mom isn't?...come to think about it, that's really all that's going on in my life. And I'm good.Thanks for listening folks... I'll try to come around here more often... :-)

24

Well... I'm almost at that magical age of 24. What a frightening proposition! LOL.

To recap the past little while, I've been working a lot and sorting through, of all things, job offers. People approaching me, while employed and asking me to come work for them for more money. I'm a little baffled and surprised... but of course am weighing my options carefully. Looks like all the hard work is finally paying off.

Craig and I are doing well too. Most of my weekends are spent up North of Barrie at his brother's place where he lives. Soaking up sun with 2 puppies (who are fully grown), and two cats, occassionally hitting the hot tub and as of this weekend the pool. I've also been building my DVD collection with Craig's help. I've learned the previously viewed section of blockbuster is second to none. :-) He's a great guy. A blast from the past, sure... but a great guy who earnestly has my best intersts at heart. Whoda thunka I'd meet a psych major who ISN'T a total mental case?!

My Mom is doing well, though my cousin (who's the tender age of 43) has moved in with her. The loss of a job, accumulating debts and a disability related to his back have left him with less than nothing. And he called on my Mom to help him. So my Mom, with her nest so recently abandoned ends up looking after her nephew. Poor Mom. She's going nuts... she was already having issues monitoring her money before this happened. Now she's also paying to feed a grown man and for his chiropractic care at my clinic (there were only so many strings I could pull). Painful. And here I am with job offers... plural. He can't get ONE. One question though: where's his Dad? My father's brother? Shouldn't HE be helping out here, rather than my widowed mother bearing the brunt of it?

Anyway, that's about it on this end of the funny farm. 1 day to my first interview while employed - ever, WHILE employed. 4 days til Jon Stewart at Casino Rama.

7 days til I turn 24...Life is grand. :-D

Set The Scene:

Set The Scene:

November 25, 2003.

She sits and lights a cigarette

A man is watching, not moving yet

She drinks her rye and barely flinches

The same man watching, gaining inches...

Moving to her, she prepares

But he gets through her daring glare

He approaches her raised hand

He tries to speak, she takes her stand

"You don't want me,take my word.

Think I'm cute? Yeah, that's absurd.

I've done thingsyou wouldn't think.

I'm insecure and so, I drink.

You see a body,think I'm hot?

That may be true, but "lady" I'm not.

Think you could tame me? Think again!

I have ruined many men.

I've almost married, carried a child,

I've done things lame, and totally wild.

I find women attractive, I smoke and I curse.

Think those things are bad? I've done lots that are worse.

I've tied people upand hit them with leather...

"The man rolled his eyes, she said, "Wait! It get's better!

I've left people with scars, I've slit my own wrist.

I've been depressed, are you getting the gist?

I'm funny at times, at others, I'm not

I'm smart as all hell - Then have absense of thought.

I'm obsessive compulsive,I have ADD...

Yet, sometimes surprisedat my own sanity!

I take stupid risks,I set myself up.

I'm just a small girl, but I love acting tough.

I know everythingand I'm never wrong.

I get through a bad day with a good country song.

Can't you see, babe? I'm a big contradiction!

Sometimes my lifeis a great piece of fiction!

...I get drunk after work, I wear P.V.C.,

I swear I'm in love with my identity

...I'm dependant, high maintenance, I'm sweet and I'm witty,

Most people sayI'm classically pretty.

I'm a lot for one woman... Why would you want this?"

He shrugged his small shoulders and saw her as bliss.

"The world didn't want me, boy, why should you?

Trust me, I'm a test you shouldn't go through."

She paused as she thoughtas she put down her drink

What in the world this poor boy must think.

"All this being said, nothing I've burried,

The weight of the world, I've happily carried.

You pretty well know me, inside and out.

You know what my lifeis wholly about."

"You can think what you will, about seeds that I've sown,

But now, my fair lad, I'm leaving for home."

He heaved a hard sigh, for didn't she see?

She was just how a woman was designed to be!