This space is mine. It is the ONE place I can honestly say anything... to what I thought were the anonymous masses. And yet, this is what makes me the bad guy. God forbid I be unhappy, if even for a moment. To express how I feel to... let's see... my Mom, Jesse Steinman and my in-laws (and perhaps some from my family whom I'm not aware of)... no, that's just too much.
NO ONE will take this from me.
Do people really think we're all perfect? I hope not. Every long term relationship I know has dips and doodles. It never changes. That's just part of the sacrifice. It's the stress you accept for having something that wonderful in your life.
What's eating me tonight is, when we fight, if I don't react to provocation, I'm being pretentious; if I do react, I'm making the argument about me, my stress, and not considering his own.
I'm done getting angry. I'm tired of yelling and being defensive. My heart is pounding and I'm upset. I'm hurt and I'm a little... pained in the chest. It doesn't change the fact I love him to death. Doesn't change the fact that I'll be here tomorrow, and the day after. Doesn't change anything about what makes us, "us".
It just hurts.
He loves me, but he also has a god complex. From what I've said before, some of the things I assumed he thought, were in fact, true. Even though I re-wrote history against myself. Based on the fight tonight, I am always wrong. I don't pay attention. I'm a "fucking pretentious bitch". Hey, I called him "an assumptive arse" so we may as well call that one even.
I swore on my life in certainty and he told me to "stick a gun in my mouth". My retort of, "and make life that easy on you, I don't think so" was not taken as lightly as intended.
All I know is the openly broken girl is feeling mighty broken right now. And while I know it won't be for long, it doesn't make this ridiculous argument (over an Indiana Jones movie trailor) go away. I don't know what it'll take this time.
What I do know is my prodding with his parents didn't go over as I thought it might. Poking him while saying things like "yes, my lovely mother", to a request to help with dishes was taken as me "ganging up" on him with his family.
I think he forgets I'm in a new place. Meeting these family members for the first few times. Trying to impress everyone I meet because I can't seem to get the right job and netwokring is everything. Trying to feel confident when I'm anything but. I feel like I'm a million miles away from the person I feel closest to. Once again I'm left at the end of a journal entry asking myself, "what do I do?"
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