So today mom came by with a cheque for us. Things from my grandmother's house were there and she had the cheque in hand. Everything seemed like it might be okay. Like we could meet quickly, in passing, like fish in a pond.
But the second the money went into my hand, she started in on the same old song. I said it wasn't the time for talking about that, I was just trying to be in her presence and get through it. But we kept talking, and she kept pressing, and she left with the last word like everytime before, "Tell Craig, 'I'm being a parent'". It's these quips that say otherwise.
The need to constantly defend.
That's why I can only write angry letters and beg only when I'm at my most desperate and vulnerable... because any attempt to 'just talk' gets spun around. I can't come to her in confidence, I can't be open about anything in my life.
Everything she knows of me is a lie I kept on to keep her happy. And she only today realized how hard I worked to keep it on for so long.
I REALLY don't know what's going to happen now. I don't hate her anymore. I pity her.
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