Last Will & Testament of a Single Girl's Heart

Well, as mentioned in my last post (5 months ago, might I add), my life has been a crazy whirlwind recently. Perhaps it's because there's about a year until the big day, perhaps it's just a John Cusack moment, but I have been settling old business like it's going out of style.

Erik Segelbaum (my high school sweetheart), and I no longer speak. Turns out he grew up to be everything I loathe. Ouch. I hate it when that happens.

Sean Seymour and I are still buddies and he's thrilled to hear about the wedding... he was the one guys who ALWAYS drank me under the table...and those who knew me back in the day know that was a HUGE feat!

Steve Cowan and I found our peace where we could and resolved to put aside our childishness. We'll never be close friends, but we're okay with that.

Jesse Steinman and I made peace earlier this year and it seems we may have even become grown ups and *gulp* FRIENDLY. Scary.

I even got back in touch with my FIRST CRUSH from highschool... Tey... he has my record for best shoot-down ever... ME, "I really like you... like, more than a friend... and I was wondering..." HIM, "I'm gay. How could you not tell?"

And of course, there was Chris Mitchell, those who know my LJ will be very familiar with the name. A thorn in my side if I ever had one - and this twig bore no rose. One last long message; and I can say it's the last because when I'm done with this they'll be nothing left for me to say...

"One last shot... good on ye" was the best he had to say when I text messaged him last week. I can't remember the details, besides my telling him, in no uncertain terms, how horribly he fucked with my head. He tried to act as if the EXPERIENCE of being with him was something we deserved thanksgiving for... after all, NOW I'm getting married. So shouldn't I be happy that the experience with him got me to this point? Urm... NO. Flat out.

Chris, let me say this to you directly: I may not know how you've changed (AND MY GOD, I PRAY YOU HAVE), but what you did to me was painful, devastating, scarring, mortifying, embarrasing, childish and mean. Not the heartbreak. That happens all the time and I got very good at it. I mean the psycological hell I went through over the past two years to figure it all out. You may as well be a dungeon master - and NOT the good kind. You twisted the language so I was never 'girlfriend', just friends, we never dated, even though I lived with you... you JUST didn't want me... and that would've been OK - had you been honest about it and turned me away.

I know I'm not the only one... I know some of their names. Sadly, there are SO any more that I don't. All I wanted to know was that you understood what you did and that you will NEVER act that way again - to any woman. Look at your neice and think what you would've done if she'd been with someone like you...

On that note, if you see me with a tall redhead with a goatee, do me a favour and just make yourself disappear. Craig has already made his feelings about you REALLY clear to me and frankly, I'm not going to stand in his way.

Maybe it's your creepy tiny hands or the fact you won't tell a soul about how they got that way. Maybe it was the time you threw me into your dresser or the time you didn't show up at my grandfathers funeral. Maybe it was the way you made ME end it, when I was so fragile... I'd love to see you get all fucked up. I really just wish I were trained enough to beat you to a pulp myself.

*SIGH*

Time to get a restraining order Chris... sounds like I may have some unresolved rage issues, too.

And with that, my readers, I am going to retire. For NOW, I have a man who tells me he loves me everyday, wishes me sweet dreams EVERY night, holds me close - even when I lash out in anger, supports me no matter WHAT I'm going through, takes better care of me than my own mother does, brings me flowers for no reason, cuddles anytime I ask, lets me chose the movie... the list goes on... and the kicker is, this one really IS fated.

"From this life, and THROUGH the next"

The start of the "illness"...

After our engagement, Craig and I have moved into our new digs and are settling in as best we can... it's bizarre to have to shout at each other just to be heard or to both be at home, yet out of each others line-of-sight.

I've also been pretty sick recently... my GP says I likely have Gastroesophegial Reflux Disease, or "GERD" - sounds nice doesn't it?




On the up side and the wonderful side, LJ peeps, I'd like you to meet our new BABY!!!




Conall, this is LiveJournal [now Blogger]. Livejournal [now Blogger], this is Conall.

CONALL RIGDEN

Born: February 9, 2007.

Adopted: April 20, 2007.

1/2 White German Shepherd

1/2 Domesticated Wolf

100% Cutie Pie

So again for the 400th time I'm sorry I can't live the abundant online life I once did... but I do have some pretty nice things in my life that are really time consuming. Seriously, could you say no to a face like that?! :-)Hugs to everyone!(And kisses from Conall)

EEEEEEK! I'M ENGAGED!

I'm getting married!!!

Fall/Winter 2008, Irish/Eco-friendly theme, Casa Loma or a hotel downtown... that's about all I know... and frankly, it's so far away I consider myself to be ahead.

I'm thrilled, my family is thrilled, his family is shocked, but happy and our cats are still little freaks. We have no idea how they're going to react to the puppy we'll be adopting sometime in the next couple of weeks, but we're hoping will everything will go alright.

I'm catching the tail end of UFC 69 and trying to take notes since Craig and I will be starting Boken and Jujitsu training in a couple of months. This year bikini season will be kickass! :-) Plus, I'll get to walk around with a big stick! Just call me Linda Carter!!! ...did I just date myself too much?

Who's that girl?!

I can't believe it either, but yes, I'm updating my livejournal [now blogger]. So much is happening, I hardly know where to begin. Bear with me, I have a feeling this one may be a long one.

I guess it all started about a year ago when Kyle and I split. I hung out with Chris a few last times and then began seeing Craig. An old flame, turned friend, re-turned flame.

I didn't know it the first day I saw him. I guess I was just so excited to see an old friend - someone who was always good to me no matter what I said or did. We had lunch and I decided to visit his home in Barrie... that afternoon.

It all happened so fast. It's easy for me to say I love you when I've already said it for the first time, so for Craig and I, I guess I knew within moments of having his arms around me. Nothing had changed besides my attitude towards men. I was a woman with my own career, priorities and goals and I was not in the mood for any man who wasn't in 'it'. I was sick of the games and the bull.

I'm no one's "sugar momma", I wasn't going to be anyone's shrink or end up so mentally twisted around someone I'd stand in -20 degree weather just to have a chance to talk to them. To some that may sound romantic - but in those days, I was a total headcase. I still kinda am - but the meds help. :-)

Speaking of meds, I was also sick from January 10th - February 8th. It was a cold that felt like the flu and just would NOT leave me alone. So after a lot of thinking and a lot of time off work... *drum roll please*...I QUIT SMOKING!!!! WOOT! Took me long enough! And it made me get better faster. I know that's common sense, but really, who knew?!

Anyway, around his birthday last year (after a summer of road trips, visits to Wonderland and a great job change for me), I got him drunk and found out his plans for a proposal. It was all so sweet I was just eating it up. He wanted to take me to Sigma Chi's Founder's Ball (March 31st), and while in Windsor, he was going to take me to the U Windsor student pub, where he was bartending the night we met (September 11, 2001). I was in love with the idea, though pretty sure he wouldn't do it once I knew about it.

To top it all off, it turns out our friends are getting married too - and their Stag and Doe party will be on the same night that Craig wants to propose to me. So it's not going to happen then. That and his change to a new (and very lucrative) job only recently took place. I can wait a while longer for a ring. It's not the important thing to me, anyway. So we ARE going to get married. We just don't know when it will be "official" with both our families (something equally important to BOTH of us).

In the meantime we still haven't killed each other in the Bachelor apartment...

I'll let you marvel at that for a moment...But we've put in our letter that we are moving on or before April 30th!!! I'm terrified and I absolutely HATE moving, but there you have it. We're looking in the area of High Park for a 2 bedroom apartment and Craig is already scouting for a puppy to adopt (we have agreed NOT to buy when there are so many that need good homes). Of course, our cats are none-the-wiser on our puppy plans, but we're sure they'll get along fine.

I still haven't figured out what I'm going to do with all that space. It will probably look pretty barren until we have a change to buy some "grown-up" looking furniture.

So... yeah, I think that's the brief update. With the one I love, lovin' the one I'm with and looking forward to 2007. Thus far, it's looking pretty bright. :-)

Well, hello there... I didn't see you come in... :-)

I know, I know it's been almost 4 months since I posted... and as I've quoted Chris before, "usually that means things are going really good or really bad..."

...well, surprise! For the second time in a row, things are really good.

1) I scrapped the old job of high stress and little pay off for... well, a great job at Toronto Western Hospital... I've got all the perks of working in a hospital, doing the job I thought I'd need to wait at least 4 more years for. Huzzah!

2) The relationship front is fantastic. Craig moved in a few weeks ago and we're looking for a bigger apartment for the 4 of us... (Cats included). He makes me feel like the most special, wonderful person in the world. I gotta say, I like that. Our coming to live together was a decision, not something forced. In fact folks, this IS the one. There, I said it. No taking it back now... we're getting engaged next April. ...crazy shit for the once party-animal extrordinairre. Mind you, I'm not supposed to know this... you see, Craig knows about livejournal, but doesn't know my page or if I even still write in it... LOL... I got him REALLY drunk on his birthday last week and got him to spill the beans. :-D I'm a naughty monkey...(La seinge sur la branche) - for A.J.

3) I've started therapy and am on anti-depressants... for the first time though, I don't feel like I'm being muted... I feel like I'm more like me... which is nice... and I'm dealing with things I've pushed down for too long. Things like losing so many people in my life and acting tough about it... because people seemed to find that admirable. Now I can really cry, and it passes... and I'm no longer ashamed of it.

4) I'm spending time with friends while in a relationship. There's a first! Katie and I see each other whenever she's in town and schedules permit and today... oh, happy day! I saw A.J. for the first time since Craig and I started dating. We, like all of you should, are going out for "ZOMBIE WALK". And we will be the most horrible, terrifying, fantastic dead girls out there. After buying our gashes and "fresh scab" (hmmmmm....scabby), we spent a whole day flitting from store-to-store in kenzington market... including a not-so-fantastic lunch at Last Temptation... don't go for the service... OR the food for that matter... DO go for the price. ...after, it was back to A.J.'s for some make-up tests and Eddie Izzard... tell me THAT isn't a match made in heaven! ;-)Anyway, Zombie Walk: it will be fun. And you should come, too. Check out www.torontozombiewalk.com for more info.

5) The "kids" aka my cats are good too. They are happy and healthy and full of energy. I love coming home to find them wrestling or curled up together on the couch... they make life more relaxing around here. Gotta love 'em.

6) My mother is fabulous and is still harbouring my cousin. Ouch. Though she DID just celebrate her birthday and I kicked ass with the gifts. :-) Overall she's doing well, just a little crazy... but what mom isn't?...come to think about it, that's really all that's going on in my life. And I'm good.Thanks for listening folks... I'll try to come around here more often... :-)

24

Well... I'm almost at that magical age of 24. What a frightening proposition! LOL.

To recap the past little while, I've been working a lot and sorting through, of all things, job offers. People approaching me, while employed and asking me to come work for them for more money. I'm a little baffled and surprised... but of course am weighing my options carefully. Looks like all the hard work is finally paying off.

Craig and I are doing well too. Most of my weekends are spent up North of Barrie at his brother's place where he lives. Soaking up sun with 2 puppies (who are fully grown), and two cats, occassionally hitting the hot tub and as of this weekend the pool. I've also been building my DVD collection with Craig's help. I've learned the previously viewed section of blockbuster is second to none. :-) He's a great guy. A blast from the past, sure... but a great guy who earnestly has my best intersts at heart. Whoda thunka I'd meet a psych major who ISN'T a total mental case?!

My Mom is doing well, though my cousin (who's the tender age of 43) has moved in with her. The loss of a job, accumulating debts and a disability related to his back have left him with less than nothing. And he called on my Mom to help him. So my Mom, with her nest so recently abandoned ends up looking after her nephew. Poor Mom. She's going nuts... she was already having issues monitoring her money before this happened. Now she's also paying to feed a grown man and for his chiropractic care at my clinic (there were only so many strings I could pull). Painful. And here I am with job offers... plural. He can't get ONE. One question though: where's his Dad? My father's brother? Shouldn't HE be helping out here, rather than my widowed mother bearing the brunt of it?

Anyway, that's about it on this end of the funny farm. 1 day to my first interview while employed - ever, WHILE employed. 4 days til Jon Stewart at Casino Rama.

7 days til I turn 24...Life is grand. :-D

Set The Scene:

Set The Scene:

November 25, 2003.

She sits and lights a cigarette

A man is watching, not moving yet

She drinks her rye and barely flinches

The same man watching, gaining inches...

Moving to her, she prepares

But he gets through her daring glare

He approaches her raised hand

He tries to speak, she takes her stand

"You don't want me,take my word.

Think I'm cute? Yeah, that's absurd.

I've done thingsyou wouldn't think.

I'm insecure and so, I drink.

You see a body,think I'm hot?

That may be true, but "lady" I'm not.

Think you could tame me? Think again!

I have ruined many men.

I've almost married, carried a child,

I've done things lame, and totally wild.

I find women attractive, I smoke and I curse.

Think those things are bad? I've done lots that are worse.

I've tied people upand hit them with leather...

"The man rolled his eyes, she said, "Wait! It get's better!

I've left people with scars, I've slit my own wrist.

I've been depressed, are you getting the gist?

I'm funny at times, at others, I'm not

I'm smart as all hell - Then have absense of thought.

I'm obsessive compulsive,I have ADD...

Yet, sometimes surprisedat my own sanity!

I take stupid risks,I set myself up.

I'm just a small girl, but I love acting tough.

I know everythingand I'm never wrong.

I get through a bad day with a good country song.

Can't you see, babe? I'm a big contradiction!

Sometimes my lifeis a great piece of fiction!

...I get drunk after work, I wear P.V.C.,

I swear I'm in love with my identity

...I'm dependant, high maintenance, I'm sweet and I'm witty,

Most people sayI'm classically pretty.

I'm a lot for one woman... Why would you want this?"

He shrugged his small shoulders and saw her as bliss.

"The world didn't want me, boy, why should you?

Trust me, I'm a test you shouldn't go through."

She paused as she thoughtas she put down her drink

What in the world this poor boy must think.

"All this being said, nothing I've burried,

The weight of the world, I've happily carried.

You pretty well know me, inside and out.

You know what my lifeis wholly about."

"You can think what you will, about seeds that I've sown,

But now, my fair lad, I'm leaving for home."

He heaved a hard sigh, for didn't she see?

She was just how a woman was designed to be!