openly broken girl

Then a baby cries...

2008-08-02T13:59:00.005-04:00

Okay; it's been over two months and I have no one to blame but my lazy-ass self ("self-deprication", for me, it's a good thing).

I got a job at the hospital, much better than slinging coffee or selling bicycles. I get to do the job I always wanted to do, with some great people, in a great community. I feel fufilled for the first time in a long time.

Craig and I still bitch. Not as much, it would seem. Which is funny since we quit smoking earlier this week. I think I'm just naturally part smoker. Or I've just been around it too much... it seems normal to me. I'm not craving it all the time, just with intensity for 20-30 seconds. I keep reminding myself that the reason for quitting isn't for MY health, but for any future children Craig and I should have.

...Then, just yesterday we heard the big news...

Our neighbours, Tabitha and Michael had their baby three weeks early!!! They came home yesterday after a few days in the Walkerton hospital. Calia is a beautiful teeny-little girl; with her dad's nose and her mom's mouth. I wanted to steal her and run away. It was all I could do to keep from crying. She really is the perfect baby.

Mike is acting like a different human being. He's more relaxed, probably because he's exhausted, but he's chilling out a little. He had me take photos of them at the door. The look like the perfect family.

It's only a matter of time before my biological clock starts to deafen me. The funny thing is I think Craig hears it more than I do! LOL

My point is, life keeps moving here. Not in a rush, not at a standstill. Just like a river, we all roll with it to see where we end up. I'm not scared like I was in Toronto. I make connections with people, people I can trust and respect. And I can hope and have dreams, like a little Calia of my own. Just letting myself have that thought is a step in the right direction.

This is home. I may not be a "lifer" (as they call them in-town), but this is where I'm making my life. And I love it.

oh-me, oh-migrane...

2008-05-19T15:15:00.003-04:00

This won't likely be that long since the computer screen is making my eyes want to shrivel up and die. I just had to make a quick post... has anyone else ever been stood up at a job interview? Or am I the only one? I won't go into details but it seems the interviewer was ill and... well, just forgot I was coming in today. That makes me feel important. :-)

Craig and I are still kind of on pins and needles, but he's working today so that's kind of out of sight out of mind right now. I'm starting to think, by the things we fight about and the things he says, that I've been judging this scenario all wrong. I went for a long walk down to my interview and back (hooray for not driving), and had plenty of time alone with my iPod Shuffle to think it out.

Here are some things I think about my 'husband':

1. He loves me.
2. He loves being right almost as much.
3. He wants to make me happy.
4. He is as frustrated with the job front/hunt as I am.
5. He feels I'm unhappy with him.
6. He feels I don't pay attention to him - EVER.
7. He seems to be starting to get the impression I don't even care about him.

Here's what I know about me:

1. I love him to death and wouldn't want to be with anyone else.
2. He makes me happy. Just being near him (when we're not fighting) makes me smile.
3. I appreciate how much he puts himself out for me.
4. I let him be "right" about things I may not agree with, because I can't have discussions without arguments.
5. I TRY to pay attention so much more than I ever have - mostly because due to HIS coercion, my short term memory has suffered. This is a new revelation that really irritates me.
6. I don't show my love for him as often as I should and, being typically female, rely on daily "I love you's".
7. If he really was unhappy with me, I'd let him go in the interests of his happiness. Even though it would likely send me into a pit of despair the likes of which would be unknown to my soul.

I really feel like I should go give him a hug right about now.

I had a dream last night we were characters in the show "Rome". He was Pullo, a legion man who killed for cash, had a love of the ladies and drink, but in the end saved a woman from slavery and married her. I was Vorena the Elder... which makes NO sense since she's only 17 or so on the show. She was bitter, been treated brutally by slave owners and wants her own father dead for his part in her entering into slavery.

...You know, writing it out it starts to makes some sense. I'm with someone who I adore, someone strong, sometimes scary, but on the whole, I recognize him as a good man. I'm feeling, however, as if I can't be close to him because of how hurt he can make me feel. For all his righteousness, strength, protection and love, he can still cause pain - and never even realize it.

Man, now my head REALLY hurts!

45 minutes later...

2008-05-18T22:14:00.002-04:00

We're talking again. Since he said I "had no fucking intention of resolving the conflict" (and who would with that entry to resolution), we seem to be back on an even keel. I waited it out and everything seems fine.

Though perhaps this is me just shutting down again.

Frankly, I wasn't upset before he pissed me off. And I'm not incinuating I don't piss him off from time to time, this just happened to be his day. He asked me, "what's eating at you?" as if he was trying to give me some excuse for "not being myself". Honestly, I had a lovely day cleaning and a nice evening with dinner at his parent's place ...and he was the one, who in my eyes, escalated a stupid argument.

Seriously, I'm just TIRED. I don't have the stamina for this crap anymore. That's why I don't date!

Read Away...

2008-05-18T21:16:00.003-04:00

So another spat this evening. Am I surprised? Not really. That's part of life with one person... but it does keep things interesting.

This space is mine. It is the ONE place I can honestly say anything... to what I thought were the anonymous masses. And yet, this is what makes me the bad guy. God forbid I be unhappy, if even for a moment. To express how I feel to... let's see... my Mom, Jesse Steinman and my in-laws (and perhaps some from my family whom I'm not aware of)... no, that's just too much.

NO ONE will take this from me.

Do people really think we're all perfect? I hope not. Every long term relationship I know has dips and doodles. It never changes. That's just part of the sacrifice. It's the stress you accept for having something that wonderful in your life.

What's eating me tonight is, when we fight, if I don't react to provocation, I'm being pretentious; if I do react, I'm making the argument about me, my stress, and not considering his own.

I'm done getting angry. I'm tired of yelling and being defensive. My heart is pounding and I'm upset. I'm hurt and I'm a little... pained in the chest. It doesn't change the fact I love him to death. Doesn't change the fact that I'll be here tomorrow, and the day after. Doesn't change anything about what makes us, "us".

It just hurts.

He loves me, but he also has a god complex. From what I've said before, some of the things I assumed he thought, were in fact, true. Even though I re-wrote history against myself. Based on the fight tonight, I am always wrong. I don't pay attention. I'm a "fucking pretentious bitch". Hey, I called him "an assumptive arse" so we may as well call that one even.

I swore on my life in certainty and he told me to "stick a gun in my mouth". My retort of, "and make life that easy on you, I don't think so" was not taken as lightly as intended.

All I know is the openly broken girl is feeling mighty broken right now. And while I know it won't be for long, it doesn't make this ridiculous argument (over an Indiana Jones movie trailor) go away. I don't know what it'll take this time.

What I do know is my prodding with his parents didn't go over as I thought it might. Poking him while saying things like "yes, my lovely mother", to a request to help with dishes was taken as me "ganging up" on him with his family.

I think he forgets I'm in a new place. Meeting these family members for the first few times. Trying to impress everyone I meet because I can't seem to get the right job and netwokring is everything. Trying to feel confident when I'm anything but. I feel like I'm a million miles away from the person I feel closest to. Once again I'm left at the end of a journal entry asking myself, "what do I do?"

a little home movie...

2008-05-15T15:24:00.000-04:00

When it rains...

2008-05-14T11:37:00.007-04:00

Well, we made it back to Kincardine just in time for another bout of rainy weather. I thought APRIL showers bring May flowers... alas, they just brought more rain. :-) No matter, we have some shopping to do so it won't really alter our plans for the day.

Upon our return I had two interviews to set up. Canadian Tire and Books and Beans wanted to meet me. I had to make two phone calls but was up at 6:30 so I spent a couple of hours this morning having coffee and enjoying the birds in the backyard - when the phone rang.

Kincardine hospital is looking for administrative assistants! I had submitted my resume through both the Kincardine physician recruiter and the Walkterton HR department for South Bruce Grey Health Centre. Finally it looks like I have a decent chance at staying within my field! This couldn't be more perfect!

So in the next week I have 3 interviews. At least I can feel like we have a shot now. Craig's jobs at the LCBO and Bruce Inn will keept him busy but at least if I can work part time we can be a bit more comfortable. Hooray! Finally we can get our foundations laid.

Also, while in Toronto we had an adjournment of our stupid cases with the Landlord Tenant Board. We'll have to return to Toronto one more time to deal with this garbage. It's so frustrating, it's just not worth the time it takes... I just want them to stop screwing their tenants. We also managed to get in a couple of hours of chill time with Jesse before leaving the city... and I can now comfortably call him an old friend.

It looks like I'll be trying to come back for the family garage sale. It's finally time to hand over "Happy Manor" (my grandparent's home) to the next family. There's still a lot of stuff to go, though and the date is just another headache - my birthday. A day which was never really great for me. Father's Day brings up memories of my father, I rarely even have a birthday party and now the last hurrah for the old homestead. Whoopee, as they say. At least my cousins will be there. Somehow, younger people make things better.

Toronto is an okay place to visit, but I guess it just wasn't meant for me. I'm happy to call this small town home from now on.

Conall was in good spirits when we picked him up from the Rigdens place last night.

Happy days are here again

2008-05-02T11:10:00.005-04:00

I won't say too much about the past few days. What I will say is that talking, albeit painful and sometimes difficult, is the best way to air frustrations.

Yes, I knew this before we fought. Yes, I've always been told this by self-help books and psychologists alike. Yes, even my fiance tried to get me to open up before the explosion... but I was fighting back with silence. I often trip up my words when engaged in a quarrel... with family, friends, peers or Craig. I suppose this is one of the reasons writing has always come so easily.

We sat and 'talked', occasionally yelling. And by the end, he understood me a little more, and I understood him. He doesn't hate me. Quite the opposite. He wants to make sure we're taken care of and secure.

How can a girl argue with that?

To be or not to be... what, exactly?

2008-05-01T13:38:00.006-04:00

I can stand up for myself, and be seen as a pushy, controlling ... you know, or say nothing and be accused of silent treatment and rudeness. Even excusing myself to have a cigarette after an argument (while he's trying to eat no less) is unacceptable somehow.

And so it begins. Feeling dead inside again. Pen up those emotions so they don't make him mad. Say just enough that he knows I'm listening. Pray that the cats behave - because I'll be blamed. Even though he's lived with them for over a year and a half. It's my fault. They're MINE, after all.

What did I do? Where did I go wrong? Why does he act like he hates me?

How do I fix this?! *smacks head*

I told myself cooler heads may prevail... that the tension was temporary... but it turns out he's the same as I was with my mother... he spends time with his folks and comes home angry at me... I'm not driven enough, I'm not trying hard enough, I'm not meeting people, I'm not doing enough...

God knows this move can't have been a mistake. I love the atmosphere here, the space, the wildlife, the sunscapes, the opportunity. Dear Abby... please help. I'm happier here on the whole... now if I could just be happy at home.

I feel like he's given up on me... and I don't know if there's ANYTHING I can do to change that.

Life Happens

2008-04-30T12:51:00.005-04:00

Have you ever tried to apologize for something and it all comes out so screwed people think you're worse than when you started? Welcome to my day.

I couldn't fix the couch the way he liked. That's how this all started. Right now I'm ready to run my fist through a wall... had I not tried that only 2 months ago. Hurts a lot more than the emotional pain.

Then he said something and while I heard him, I didn't respond. I was edgy from the way he'd reacted over the couch, and the comment was about a show I was watching on TV... a statement I agreed with. I didn't realize that this silent treatment was the same as the ones he has already complained about.

I hate conflict; I'd do anything to avoid it. Instead I ended up accidentally instigating myself into a black hole.

I wrote an apology for my part and went for a walk.

"I am tired.
I am sorry that I'm so inconsiderate.
I am sick of feeling like my brain is defective. (add-in: does God take returns?)
I am irritated that you're always right.
I hate that my feeling inadequate makes you get down on yourself.
I don't hate you, just your attitude sometimes.
I don't look down on you or ride a high horse,
those times you've said I have, have been times I felt the lowest.

"I love you.
You're everything to me.
You hold me when I cry, give direction when I have none.
You love me when it seems like no one else will.
You make me want to be better than I am. (add-in: or hope to be)

"You have all of my apologies and all of my pride.
Neither of us are perfect, but I still think we're perfect for each other.
Even now."

I came back afterwards to more of the same BS. We yelled. I excused myself from a trip to help his parents. We yelled more. I sat. I cried more.

Some of the things I had blurted out may have been more than just angry ranting. I am a depressed person. Not all the time, not to the point of instability anymore, but I do feel like garbage compared to my excelling fiance. Some of my ramblings included quips like:

"You're always right... You can find hard evidence for any argument we get into... I can't remember anything... We fight over the same things because of my inability to rationally deal with conflict... When we fight your always think I'm trying to make you the bad guy... Do you think I like it that I ignore you without realizing it? That I make the man I love feel like crap? It kills me..."

Perhaps I'm no better than the school-yard bully. Maybe I'm so mired down with my own feelings of stupidity, worthlessness and self-loathing that I transfer those feelings onto Craig. I assume he feels all those things for me, and when he gets angry, it validates those feelings.

He thinks I'm stupid, unattractive, unworthy of him. Who could blame him.

Oh... okay, none of that's TRUE... but it all seems to add up. And throw on to that the mean things that get said during any lover's quarrel and it's a recipe for emotional turmoil. And then his yet un-apologized quote from last weeks tiff rings through my ears:

"You're just like your mother. The sad part is, you don't see it."

And then I get angry again. More crying.

The tears dry.

I catch my breath.

I realize he may be right, although that doesn't excuse the way or intent that came with the way he said it. Hurting the one you love is NEVER okay. But if the hurt wasn't intentional, if it can be worked through and made right, then it can make you stronger.

I just hate the waiting in between. I guess it's a down day, today. But that's a-okay. Life happens.

Things are coming along!

2008-04-26T08:12:00.004-04:00

Well, more resumes made their way into employers hands and the house has been cleaned. With the major chores out of the way (and a local interview under my belt), we took Conall to Station Beach to learn how to have fun in the water. Set to Pete Townsend's, "Let My Love Open The Door" it was an adorable kodak moment!

home sweet, sweet home.

2008-04-21T21:54:00.027-04:00

If you can reach Nirvana...

2008-04-18T21:54:00.003-04:00

I am in heaven here.

Granted, I'm not working yet so life is pretty stress free, but am I ever at home in this small town.

I don't have tones of time to write as we are getting the 'net next week, but in the meantime, know I made it here, I'm happier than ever and the pets are thrilled to have so much room to run around.

This is where I'm meant to be. I think it may be genetic.

Life here is honest. I love it.

We're packing up and moving on!

2008-04-14T20:10:00.003-04:00

Well we're getting ready to pack up the Uhaul and load our things for the big journey. No more being crushed on the TTC, no more being hit by said Transit vehicles, no more stress from our slum lords or stepping in dog crap in our hallway. No more. We're cashing in and getting out.

I can't wait to see how the next few days will go. I'm sure they'll be stress, maybe even name calling. But 3 bedrooms and a yard is a wonderful bonus. Get me outta here! Let's blow this popcicle stand!

It's all so bizarre!

2008-04-13T14:51:00.002-04:00

Most of my worldly possessions are in boxes. Craig and I are preparing for Tuesday's move ahead of schedule, since we'll be picking up the moving truck a day ahead of time.

For the past few days we've split our time between hanging out watching documentaries, arguing over the state of Tibet on Facebook and rooting through our things, sorting the movable from the trash.

I gave my old, "fat" clothes to the Value Village and gave my fish to a 10 year old girl. I've thrown out 4 garbage bags of things from my past that aren't necessary for me to have anymore. The things I've kept have been sorted and packed into labelled boxes - just so they'll be easier to relocate.

Our poor pets think the world is coming to an end. Little do they know they're making the long journey with us!

Our friends are throwing a BBQ to say goodbye. Proof that while I may be over this city, it's home to people I'll miss dearly.

I love all the opportunity that the next few days hold. The excitement of a new chapter begining. The start of something big. It's daunting and even little frightening, but it'll be worth it in the end.

ArrivaderLa!

Things are coming along... :-) FINALLY!

2008-04-11T19:01:00.016-04:00

Welcome to my house... Okay, it's Max Rybinski's house... but we rent it! :-)

Oh, happy day! Kincardine, here I come!!!

Okay it's been a while... again...

2008-04-07T19:42:00.004-04:00

See, here's the thing, moving last minute is hard.

Not to mention I've been approached to model for a friend's clothing line, our dog is getting neutered in two days, I just gave away two gold fish I had for 4 years, we're trying to close a deal on a three-bedroom townhome and of course there's the normal headaches that come with packing all of your belongings and throwing others out (or in my case giving them to charity).

We've bought a bike, I'm days away from going to get my G1 and the house has turned into a pig sty.

I can't wait to blow this popcicle stand. I'm so over this city.

...nor can I wait to know what my new address is going to be... this is killing me!

All I can say...

2008-03-30T22:43:00.002-04:00

Out with a whimper.

2008-03-27T12:15:00.003-04:00

So today mom came by with a cheque for us. Things from my grandmother's house were there and she had the cheque in hand. Everything seemed like it might be okay. Like we could meet quickly, in passing, like fish in a pond.

But the second the money went into my hand, she started in on the same old song. I said it wasn't the time for talking about that, I was just trying to be in her presence and get through it. But we kept talking, and she kept pressing, and she left with the last word like everytime before, "Tell Craig, 'I'm being a parent'". It's these quips that say otherwise.

The need to constantly defend.

That's why I can only write angry letters and beg only when I'm at my most desperate and vulnerable... because any attempt to 'just talk' gets spun around. I can't come to her in confidence, I can't be open about anything in my life.

Everything she knows of me is a lie I kept on to keep her happy. And she only today realized how hard I worked to keep it on for so long.

I REALLY don't know what's going to happen now. I don't hate her anymore. I pity her.

Swallowing Pride...

2008-03-27T10:45:00.001-04:00

Dear Mom,

I won’t touch our old issues now, they’re not as important as you knowing how I’m doing.

If you want a chance to help me better my life for the positive, here it is:

Attached are the letters of complaint we have filed over and over with our building (just so you know it’s not all “Megan being overly dramatic”). We have been treated so badly, I’ve come to see the only way you can be treated well in this city is if you’re rich. ...And I don’t want to be rich, nor wealthy. But I’m trying desperately to be happy. And how close we are...

Aside from the threats on our personal safety, having to call the cops on other tenants and having no proper fire protection or functioning heater all winter, Craig and I are wonderfully happy together. I don’t know how I would have survived the past few months without him. We have wonderful friends in the area, too.

I now have a job that pays the bills, Craig is on E.I. with a broken hand and we’re making it day by day. Conall is healthy and well. The cats are still enjoying the space here. Life and my heart are in good stead, but my soul is being crushed in this city. I’ve been saying I wanted out for a long time, before I even met Craig if you’ll recall – and I know you remember the family laughed at me for it... so I’m really hoping you won’t do that now.

We are now nearing desperate to leave this city for Kincardine. Craig’s parents don’t seem to like the idea too much, but Craig is looking to work at the Power Plant and I have been submitting resumes with their doctors (they’ve been recruiting to the area), dentists and vets.

The obvious issue is we can’t do it on our budget and with the building’s holding company treating us like we’re the problem, my home has become a place that makes me feel worse, rather than better. It’s not a safe haven, it’s a lobster trap. It’s undoing all the good I’ve done with Dr. Madigan so far.

I’ve been taking more sedatives than I should, practically dependant on them just to be able to be calm enough to focus on watching TV (mostly due to the tenant who threatened us). I’m learning how to use the Bokken (think: big long stick) in self defence. It’s been great for my confidence, but I would’ve rather learned under less stressful circumstances.

I’m sure you can imagine how degraded I feel begging you for help when I’ve been so cold for so long. But I also can’t condone Craig taking money from his parents off their line of credit when they’re still paying off their 2nd mortgage and putting Paul through University... all of this off their pensions.

Since the “formal” wedding has been indefinitely scrapped, I’m asking you for a portion of the money you offered to us to help us start a real home life together in a place where we can be safe and start our family together - NO I’M NOT PREGNANT, SO DON’T PANIC!

It kills me that this is my first non-angry letter to you, but I guess I’m holding up faith that the Mom instinct in you is still there. I couldn’t blame you if you say no or ignore me entirely, but after our lives together, I’m hoping you can accept that I have to cut my own path in life, and right now, I need your help to clear some of the clutter away.

If you choose to write or call me back, I’m not the same person I was when we last spoke. I won’t lie to you about things you don’t want to hear and I won’t hide who I am anymore for the sake of appearances. Ignorance isn’t bliss when it comes to the people we love.

I love the woman I am now; I just hope you can love her, too.

Although it’s against my better judgement to say anything, while I’ve made lots of positive progress without you in my life these past few months, it’s also been some of the most painful times of my life. To turn my back on someone who I couldn’t breathe a bad word about a year ago was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. ...Perhaps with the exception of having to write this.

I’ll be waiting for word from you, whatever it is. Just like it’s my life, it’s also your money to do with as you will. All I can do is ask.

Now with a heavy heart,
Megs.

Just when you think you're out...

2008-03-21T10:08:00.003-04:00

Canadian Tire sends you a $100 gift certificate for trying to use their gift registry. What a happy little surprise!

It all went to Conall's belated birthday gifts (see my you tube account, bottom right), but at a year old and over 100lbs, our big boy deserved some spoiling.

The new food he's on has worked wonders for his tummy, too. Let's just say cleaning up is a lot easier than it once was.

Our baby is growing up!

Life goes on.

2008-03-20T12:14:00.004-04:00

Well, I'm back at work, or at least I have a job. I've been off for two days with a fever and ear ache... I thought only kids got ear infections!!! Being at a place in the private sector is so nice. Less red tape, better functionality, better quality of care... I actually feel like I can make a difference... what a concept.

On the pet front, we're looking at getting another dog to play with Conall. Ideally, we're trying to get one out of the Humane Society who need the help emptying their cages. We're not flush with cash, but Conall will need a friend once Craig is back at work and our hearts still have a little more love to give.

The meds are keeping me in check for now and I'm happy to be living again. Making friends again. Feeling alive again. It was a hard road and caused me to estrange myself from my family, but I'm doing so much better.... I feel like a different, better person, now.

On the "home" front, we're likely looking for a new one as our building has degenerated to a typical Dupont Lansdowne slum. People are letting their dogs defecate in the hallways and despite trying to have this resolved since last December, it keeps happening and with greater frequency. It's beyond nasty. To make things worse our landlord is incompetent and the building management won't reprimand her, even though they've expressed similar feelings about her. Bizarre.

And Craig's hand is so badly deformed it's likely he'll need surgery. We found out the doctors at TWH set it at a 35 degree angle. The tech's at St. Joe's, with a little help from anaesthetic managed to re-break and set it at 25 degrees. Still, the orthopaedist says surgery is now likely. This has made my case against UHN all the stronger.

Still, in all of this, life goes on. And I think I'm all the stronger for it.

Is Toronto Western Hospital Functionally Retarded???

2008-03-09T19:14:00.004-04:00

After writing University Health Network's CEO, Dr. Robert 'Bob' Bell for help in dealing with their patient relations department, I received this black-berried response:

"thank you for your note. I will refer your concerns to our Patient RelationsDepartment.
Yours truly,
Bob Bell"

The gods must be crazy for letting these doctors work together. The right hand doesn't know what the left ass-cheek is doing!

I mean, you forward the letter to the people who made me write you directly in the first place! In the words of Peter Griffin, "COME AWWWWWWWWN !!!!"

I am some kind of serious pissed. Especially considering I just came back from ANOTHER E.R. visit, this time to St. Joseph's Health Centre (which is wonderful, by the way). There they acted like we weren't the first to go there for a second opinion from UHN. I wish I could say that surprised me. But it did make sense. And now, Craig may very well need surgery... and if that happened to Craig because of the way it was set or casted, I feel badly for the people I'll be hunting down like dogs.

My response to Dr. Bell's letter:

Dear Dr. Bell,

I received your response this morning, thank you for taking the time over the weekend to update us.

However, had you read my entire email you would see I have TRIED to deal with your patient relations department and received nothing but hassle and accusations. This despite the fact that I worked at TWH and had sent things through Ms. Rogers before, it now seems most people at UHN pre-judge their contacts by their job or injury or both. I am a Medical Secretary and was treated as if I should know better than to complain. That is a serious issue. There needs to be some accountabiility, just as in the UHN mission statement; but it seems no one wants to take it.

I'm getting to the end of my patience (forgive the pun) and no matter what happens I will never recommend TWH or UHN to anyone in my life. I will not give my OHIP/insurance dollars to a hospital that has so little regard for people, yet professes to strive for the very best in P.C.C.

It's a blatant contradiction that I have now personally experienced and witnessed on both sides of the table. As an employee, and as a patient.

We have received a new referral to a different fx clinic who seemed to act like we were not the first to leave UHN upset. I will contact you tomorrow afternoon to update you on what our second-opinion finds. Whatever those findings may be.

Should they find the fx is healing properly and was treated properly, I will contact you back to discuss the matter of Dr. Freidman's offering and denial of offering of Oxycontin and Percocet. His denial that he offered these narcotics is very troubling and curious to me.

Furthermore, Dr. Bell, please ask yourself, what does this man and his fiance have to gain by complaining?

I was merely trying to alert your patient relations department to some unsavoury and unsatisfactory treatment (medical and personal). It's not like I'm suing you or even threatened to sue. I just believe that the standards in medicine need to be upheld and that doctors need to take responsibility for the way in which they deal with their patients. I'm sure being in the position you are, you agree with me there.

Sincerely,

Megan Ball

Letter from Craig to Toronto Western Hospital

2008-03-08T06:41:00.001-05:00

Dear Sharon,

It is now 6:41am and I have just arrived home from Toronto Western Hospital's emergency department, yet again. I've had no sleep, so please bear with me.

The reason I went (against my better judgement, might I add) was because after my appointment at the Hand Clinic, my cast was so tight that it caused a severe welt (upon removing the cast, even Dr. Lee/Li said, "wow that's bad"). This despite my going to the Hand Clinic this afternoon where I was once again told everything was okay and the numbness would go away when the cast comes off 3 weeks from now. I was told to keep the cast - even though they didn't even bother to remove the tensor bandage to check on the broken plaster or my numb finger underneath.

On a slow, late night, we waited 4 hours to see a resident, 4.5 to see a doctor.

If need be, please see my ER records for verification of the times and condition of the skin and original cast. (for original letter see: March 3, 2008)

While I appreciated Dr. Lee's attempt to fix the cast and my discomfort (finally a doctor who tried to make me feel comfortable), I no longer feel comfortable seeking any further treatment from UHN. I will be seeking care at an alternate hospital where I will ask for a second opinion on the numbness in my finger. I hope with this new finding of ineffective and painful casting you can appreciate my concerns.

Please be advised I will be following up with the appropriate agencies as is needed.

Most Sincerely,

Craig Rigden
--- Lansdowne Ave
Toronto, ON M6H4K3
---.---.----

CC: Dr. Robert Bell

When you hit rock bottom...

2008-03-07T22:23:00.003-05:00

My inlaws are loaning us money. People who hang shelves of a daughter who lives in Toronto, pay for a son to go to University, help out their son in a wheelchair and now, their son with a broken hand.

It makes me crazy when they're doing everything they can to help us out when they give so much of what they have as it is. They would break themselves to help their family.

Maybe my mother spent too much time helping out my cousins MaryLou, Charlie, Joanne and Matthew to realize I needed help. Who knows, speculation is not in my therapy plans.

As the old addage goes, "when you hit rock bottom you've got nothing to lose."

Hello, rock bottom! Table for two?

Woe Is Me

2008-03-07T14:22:00.003-05:00

Well, another well spent day. Craig and I arguing over whether dogs have rational thought similar to that of someone with a mental disability. I said no. He said yes. He lashed out at me trying to leave it that we agree to disagree. Then got frustrated when I tried to go upstairs to get away from him while he refitted the sheets on the couch. How was I to know he even wanted my help?!

Of course this likely stems from the fact we can barely keep food on the table and haven't paid the rent. This is probably my fault, too.

I don't know what to do when we fight like this. I don't want to leave him, but the more I stand up for myself and my own opinions, the more we get into it. And the more we get into it, the further away from him I feel. Which leads to a lack of intimacy which hurts us both and leaves me feeling like leaving may be my only choice.

Then again, he's out of work, we're broke, he's got an imobolized hand and I'm sure not hearing from Manulife has been driving him mental. I just wish I knew how to handle this. Conflict is not something I've ever really had to deal with. I avoided it with my parents, I shy away from it with friends, I didn't even defend myself in situations where I should have because I just wanted it all to go away.

And perhaps that's why leaving doesn't feel like an option. I mean, beyond the finances. I feel like if I were to give up, I'm only giving up on what I'm working so hard to acheive. A normal life.

God, what I'd give for a normal life.

As for today, I think I'll be trying to sleep away the knots in my stomach.

Keep on truckin'

2008-03-06T20:48:00.006-05:00

More therapy, more interviews; one with a dream company. I have a working interview with them next week. This is mine to lose now. I NEED this. My brain needs it, my body needs it, my heart needs it, my mother needs to hear second-hand about it...

Then kick herself for giving me up... Something this world seems to like to do to me. Very frustrating and disheartening.

Craig's hand was most definitely broken and will be in a cast for the next 3 weeks. Not that it mattered, since he lost his job on the same day. ...Perhaps, part of hitting the wall in the first place? Anyway, his E.I. claim was processed and accepted right away, now it's just up to me to get myself up and moving again.

In the interim, we're also dealing with accusations from the University Health Network that Craig's complaint about being offered percocet and oxycontin in the E.R. by Dr. Friedman was a lie. We issued the complaint to the hospital as Craig had a verbal altercation with said doctor, before he offered Craig narcotics in what seemed as a bribe. The hospital has told us Dr. Friedman says this never happened and he never made such an offer. Too bad there was a med student there, too. And a camera.

I've written the CEO of the hospital since Patient Relations only seems to be able to stone wall our questions. Where is the med student? Where is the tape from the cameras? Why would ANY doctor prescribe narcotics from the E.R. to a patient they'll never see again? Why can't you answer these questions?

Day-to-day I deal with the guilt I feel, because of the feelings I have towards my mother. It was so ingrained in me that you stick by family. I can't help but feel like one of those people who turned against their family because of things they uncovered in therapy.

My mother walked over me for the last time. I wish it didn't happen the way it did, but I can't change the past. She chose the actions she did. Now she'll have to deal with the consequences. It sucks. But maybe she'll learn something about real loyalty and love.

Letter from Craig BACK to Sharon.

2008-03-05T13:43:00.001-05:00

Dear Sharon

I have cut and pasted the following example from your email. Please explain to me how this is, and I quote you, "You seem to be jumping to conclusions. I did not , in any way call him a liar. I am not sure how you came to this conclusion, or he for that matter".

You stated in your findings email to me that, "There is agreement and acknowledgement that oxycontin was not offered"

Now, I was in the room when the offer was made. So was the fourth year med student (I believe his first name was Lance, he has dark hair, glasses, a five o'clock shadow, and wore cowboy boots), and the doctor in question. Someone is lying, and seeing as how you have made no reference to verifying my story with this med student, I can only assume that this student was never questioned.

Megan will not be calling you concerning this matter. She asked me to inform you that she thinks someone named Bob Bell will be more interested in our concerns, and more receptive to our queries.

I'm sorry this matter seems it will need to go beyond patient relations. I truly hoped for a more efficient and caring response to my concerns. I contacted you, out of concern for the care of all patients going to that ER, but instead was told that my version of events and recollections never occurred. That is why I feel I was called a liar. That is why we will be dealing with this through other channels.

Most sincerely,
Craig Rigden

...TWENTY MINUTES LATER

2008-03-05T12:26:00.000-05:00

-----Original Message-----
From: Rogers, Sharon
To: 'Megan Ball'
Subject: RE: FW: Care Received on February 28, 2008, E.R., 10pm

Megan.
You seem to be jumping to conclusions. I did not , in any way call him a liar. I am not sure how you came to this conclusion, or he for that matter. I acknowledged the complaint; everyone else acknowledged the complaint. There was an attempt at apology at the time (which didn't have the impact expected); there was further apology today (several times). There was no lying.
I just re read my email; it was extremely clear and NOT the way that you describe below. Perhaps this is another example of your and Craig's misinterpretation of things; please read again and call me .
Sharon Rogers

...and to Craig at 1:43PM...

Craig
your concerns were not dismissed; they were acknowledged.
There was no lying; there was apology.
the care was reviewed; nothing was taken at face value.
I am surprised by the complete 180 degree misinterpretation of this note by you and Megan.
see below.
Sharon

2008-03-05T09:57:00.000-05:00

-----Original Message-----
From: Rogers, Sharon
Sent: Thursday, March 06, 2008 9:57 AM
To: 'Craig Rigden'
Subject: FW: Care Received on February 28, 2008, E.R., 10pm

Dear Craig,

As i indicated the other day, i asked for a review of your ER experience. During this review your ER chart was reviewed by chief of Emergency Medicine Dr. A. Chopra and Dr. Friedman was interviewed.

At the outset , I should say that i was immediately asked by Dr. Friedman to share with you his apologies for the distress that you encountered in your interaction with him. As you indicated he tried to have further discussion with you when he realized how upset you were about his comment that this injuring was likely related to a wall being punched. It is standard procedure to try to associate the context in which the injury occurred, the results on the x-ray and the diagnostic name of the injury i.e. a boxer's fracture. Indeed Dr. Friedman was correct in all of these associations but clearly you perceived his comments to be belittling of you and i do apologize for that.

With respect to your fracture management, i am advised that the management was an appropriate conservation approach and all elements of that have been reviewed. It is the general opinion of the reviewers that any delay that was encountered will not lead to the kind of concerns that you raised in your note.

With respect to the pain control offered, i am advised that you were offered the appropriate pain control in this situation. There is agreement and acknowledgement that oxycontin was not offered and in the end ibuprofen was offered.

Again on behalf of all involved, please accept our sincere apologies for the upset that you encountered. sincerely yours,

Sharon Rogers

Megan's Letter to Dr. Bob Bell, CEO of the University Health Network

2008-03-05T09:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Dr. Bell,

My name is Megan Ball and I used to work at the Family Health Centre at Toronto Western Hospital. My fiance, Craig Rigden recently sustained a self-inflicted boxer's fracture in a typical hand vs. wall incident. I am writing to ask you for your help in dealing with a situation of questionable care at Toronto Western Hospital.

After hearing of his time in the ER and how upset he was upon arriving home, I urged him to write a letter to Patient Relations (I had previous contact with Sharon Rogers from my time at TWH - I assumed this would go smoothly) describing the events so they could be made aware of the problem. However, we have both become very upset after a series of emails with Ms. Rogers which have only escalated my fiance's upset.

To describe the sequence of events in short, during his stint in the ER, he received no first aid (ice pack) for the obvious fracture, and while he had what I consider to be an acceptable wait time, the doctor's actions upon assessment were questionable. After a verbal altercation with the doctor, he was offered Oxycontin and Percocet. I have attached the original letter we sent to Sharon for your reference.

Patient Relations and Dr. Chopra reviewed the file determining the level of care was acceptable, but informed us that, "There is agreement and acknowledgement that oxycontin was not offered."

To me, this says that what Craig has said has happened, was a falsehood. Someone is lying, and I know it's not my fiance. If the Government of Canada trusted him to guard our borders, I don't see why he would lie about something as trivial as this.

When we wrote back, upset that Ms. Rogers had, in effect called my fiance a liar, we have now been told that , "[she] just re read [her] email; it was extremely clear and NOT the way that [I] describe[d] below. Perhaps this is another example of [my] and Craig's misinterpretation of things; please read again and call [her]." I'm sure you can understand why I have chosen not to call her back when any of our concerns are met with a wall like the one Craig hit on Thursday night.

We have asked for a fourth year medical student named Lance (dark hair, glasses, black cowboy boots) to be interviewed, as he was present when the offer was made. The other option would be checking to see if the student recording cameras were on at the time. Craig has indicated that if these cameras were running they will pick up Dr. Friedman's offer as clear as day.

The bottom line is we were only trying to bring attention to a potential problem in the Hospital and instead have been told we are liars. I'm sure you can understand our upset.

Please note, on a personal level, I really do not want to have to take this complaint any further than you, but as a Medical Secretary who works closely with doctors, I feel a great sense of responsibility to the Health Care System and will not let this fade away.

Please feel free to contact us by email, mail, or phone at your convenience.

Most Sincerely,

Megan Ball

Megan's Letter to Patient Relations

2008-03-05T00:05:00.000-05:00

Dear Sharon,

My name is Megan Ball and I used to work as an Administrative Secretary and Undergraduate Education Assistant with the Family Health Team at Toronto Western Hospital. I am also the fiance of Craig Rigden, who with your letter of response, you have deeply upset. He does not take well to being called a liar.

I have become extremely concerned at the way my fiance's care has been handled throughout Toronto Western and I must say I do not remember the hospital being so full of inconsistency and lack of "patient centred care".

In a very embarassing situation, his treatment was given with little regard for "care". No first aid with a clearly broken hand, no pain medication until it was FAR too late, no call for follow-up from the hand clinic (we nearly missed our appointment because no one called to tell us we had one). It seems the hospital is focused more on keeping it's employees happy and socializing rather than focusing on the patients that keep the doors open.

I am deeply offended that this doctor has chosen to lie in front of a review board, and further, that the hospital has chosen to defend this lie. I urge you to dig deeper in this case. A doctor who lies to a review board could be capable of much worse. Please try to track down the fourth year medical student and OPENLY ask them what was offered to Craig.

I am interested to know if the medical student has managed to keep his morals intact.

With great concern,

Megan Ball
---.---.----

Original Letter From Craig to Toronto Western Hospital

2008-03-03T09:00:00.001-05:00

The Patient Relations Office
Toronto General Hospital
190 Elizabeth St, RFE IS-401
Toronto, ON M5G 2C4

RE: CARE RECEIVED ON FEBRUARY 28th, 2008 IN THE TWH EMERGENCY DEPARTMENT

Dear Patient Care Coordinator,

On Thursday, February 28th, 2008 during an argument, through no one's fault but my own, I punched a wall which was drywall covered concrete. This resulted in a "fracture" (clearly completely broken on the x-ray) of the 5th metacarpal ("boxer's fracture"). I left immediately for the Emergency Department.

Upon my arrival, my triage nurse assessed my hand and offered pain medication. This triage nurse was VERY helpful and told me that due to the nature of my injury and the fact it was "a slow night" that I would "get to see a doctor right away". At this point the swelling was still low enough to see the bone pushing on the skin. I declined medication on the advice that I was seeing a doctor shortly.

A few minutes later the registration nurse called me in. I was first given a hard time about the condition of my health card and she then started to act like she was looking down on me because of how I obtained my injury. She said, "it was your own fault" and, "that wasn't a good idea, was it?" in a sarcastic tone (after I had recovered from a shooting pain through my arm). After assessing me she sent me to wait in the waiting room.

After at least another hour I went back to the triage nurse because my hand was extremely swollen and I was in a considerable amount of pain. The triage nurse took one look at my hand, again, offered me pain medication (an offer which I accepted), then told me to have a seat so she could see how long it would be. Within two minutes of this happening, I was called for an x-ray. From the x-ray, I was sent to the waiting area again.

During this time, I still had not received any pain medication and I watched as the doctor's time (30 minutes) was taken up with a couple arguing over the walking cast the hospital was offering to them. There was also a gentleman cared for with what he said "MIGHT be a sliver of floor tile" in his foot while I sat waiting with an unset, swelling hand fracture. At no point was I offered an ice pack to combat the swelling nor any advice on elevation or compression.

When I was finally able to see a doctor I was first interviewed by a fourth year medical student who was FANTASTIC. He made the initial assessment and brought me back to the waiting area. Upon his informing Dr. Steven M. Friedman of his diagnosis, (boxer's Fx) the doctor responded in a sarcastic tone, "let me guess, he punched a wall". I, being 5 feet away from this responded with, "Yes, I did. But is the commentary really necessary?" At this point, the doctor tried to defend his comment, words were exchanged and I requested to leave our interaction to him diagnosing and treating me without additional side commentary such as "I see at least one of these a day".

In the examination room, the doctor continued to bring up this exchange insisting that he "had not meant to insult [me] by it". I asked him to "put yourself in my shoes and see how you would feel in this situation." He continued to skirt the answer but insisted he would not be as upset as I was. I again requested for him to diagnose and treat me. At the end of this diagnosis he offered me something for the pain. He at first offered Tylenol 3's, but with my family medical history I explained this was not an option. His alternative was to offer me Percocet or Oxycontin. As I did not feel comfortable taking either of these narcotics I declined his offer. What I could not help but look at as a bribe (from my understanding of emergency room prescribing procedures). Again, the medical student impressed me with his applied knowledge, asking me if I had ever considered that I may have an inability to metabolize codeine - very insightful.

I felt they (specifically the registration nurse and Dr. Friedman) had preconceived notions about the injury and the situation that had surrounded it, so much so that it influenced their level of care.

My half cast had been awkwardly made and poorly wrapped. It barely covered the broken finger and due to the amount of swelling was unable to be set. I wonder had I been seen sooner, if this could have been avoided. My total time with the doctor may have added to 15 minutes, most of which was spent arguing over his bedside manner. Even while I tried to get my documentation to leave, he continued to argue, "there are people much worse off than you, here".

I would like my file to be reviewed should my hand need to be rebroken in order to set it, or should any further surgical intervention be required in the future. I need to know if the delay in treatment led to this situation. I also would like to know if Dr. Friedman's prescribing of narcotics is a normal thing for this type of situation in the emergency department.

Sincerely,

Craig Rigden

Made it to the Pit

2008-02-28T21:00:00.003-05:00

Not that I'd do it... I'm too much of a coward... but at this moment, I have nothing, no one and I want to die. Just putting it out there.

EDIT: That was before I made a hole in my bathroom wall roughly the size of my fist and Craig in response TRIED to put his fist through a concrete wall, but that didn't go so well. He's enroute to Toronto Western to be casted. Idiot. Don't get me wrong, both were stupid things to do, but at least I can type with two hands. Now I need to figure out if it was okay that he asked about hitting me before he hit the concrete wall - I invited him to give me a black eye...

...you know what, it was better his knuckle, than my right eye. No one wants a receptionist that looks like she's been 10 rounds with Mohammed Ali.

Post Script

2008-02-27T21:55:00.002-05:00

Job interviews are lining up, my confidence is gaining and I'm actually excited about the prospect of work again. With my attitude change, people are taking more notice of me and it seems like something may happen soon! I'll be keeping my fingers crossed.

Positively Positive

2008-02-13T13:23:00.002-05:00

Well, therapy does help. I'll never speak out against it.

Everytime I come home recently, I feel like the weight is a little lighter, and the sun's a little brighter... know what I mean? The world is looking up. I'm taking responsibility for what's mine, assigning blame where it's due, and best of all, trusting in ME. No mom to speak her 2 cents on everything I do. Day in, day out I can just be me and appreciate it. I can love who I am.

For a woman who professed that was the one thing she tried to teach me, she had surefire ways for keeping me down. Like choosing my clothes, telling me I was too fat, being condescending rather that uplifting. Focused solely on the harm I've caused in life, rather than the fact I was supposedly what she'd always wanted. A child. Not a friend, or a Barbie Doll to show off.

I love how I'm starting to feel. I hate the fact I may never speak to her again. But it's helping me, and if it helps me for now, then I have to honour that.

I've been looking for work all morning and am about to take a break from the computer. It feels good to really be excited about going out - not scared or anxious.

I'm gonna make it after all. And then everyone can bite me. ;-)

Another Day, Another Session

2008-02-12T11:14:00.000-05:00

Well, it's tuesday so that means another therapy session. Craig will be meeting me there again. Then I'll get to come home, and clean, clean, clean. It seems like a never ending circle when you have 3 shedding pets!

I'm tired again today, the effects of the pills seems to be wearing off and sleep is much easier to come by. Other than that, I have few complaints. I'm feeling more social, more feisty, more myself. Maybe I'll wear my One woman army shirt today. :-) We're even having people over and I'm enjoying entertaining again.

The weather in Toronto is so bizarre these days. There's a layer of ice on the ground which has now been covered with thick, fluffy "lake-effect" snow. I must leave some extra time to get to my appointment today, I'm sure the busses will be running at a snails pace, but I'm sure as heck not trying to walk over snow covered ice. Not with two trick knees! That would be asking for trouble. ...and when I ask for trouble I usually get it.

Now I must go and brave the cold. Wish me luck!

Time off...

2008-02-11T09:23:00.000-05:00

So I took the weekend off, shoot me. :-P

I spent the whole weekend hanging out with Craig, ran a few errands, groomed all the animals, had a couple friends over, thoroughly cleaned the house and took in some great programming on TVO and the BBC...

I think that's how you really know you're growing up. Suddenly, you'll find public broadcasting entertaining, and it's frightening really. ...Of course, I'm only joking, public broadcasting is both intellectually stimulating and veryenjoyable.

Today, I've already finished filing my tax documents with the CRA, soon I'll be off to do laundry and maybe hit the gym. Unfortunately, I'm totally exhausted right now. Not near enough sleep and the remains of that stomach bug = ew/ick/blech.

...I also should submit a few more job applications. I fear no one wants me! The last resort will be my going in to work for Craig at Veritude/Fidelity. They're good to their people if you're good to them and everyone who works there seems to love it. Hey money is money. Gotta make a buck somehow.

I am WAY too tired for this.

2008-02-08T09:07:00.000-05:00

Severe pain shooting down my right side.
Bathroom trip after bathroom trip... you REALLY don't wanna know.
I feel like someone beat me up in my sleep.

And as much as I am DYING to lay down and quietly cry the pain away... it's therapy day. So my body has to take second shift to my head. There's a walk-in nearby her office, I may just stop in on the way home rather than suffer this a few more days.

...that and kidney infections can be fatal and all that. Probably good to be seen by someone.

EDIT: I forgot my therapist used to be a general practitioner so she ended up working me over in the therapy room and gave me advice: stay flat, stay hydrated but go easy on fluids, and if there is any fever or sudden increase in pain, go to an E.R. I swear the woman knows everything! She said it's likely a bug that needs to run it's course (as I was afraid of), but told me the warning signs of an appendix rupture JUST in case. That'll make you sleep easy. ;-)

Thoroughly exhausted

2008-02-07T16:09:00.000-05:00

The day started with a BANG. Craig and I fighting over Dina Pugliese (SP?) on Breakfast Television. We both lothe her and yet she STILL manages to start fights between us with her air-headed, unplanned, rambling commentary. Just once I'd like to see Kevin Frankish smack her upside the head... JUST ONCE.

I tried to stop the fight by dropping my argument which Craig immediately picked out as something I did when my mother and I would fight. That sent me into a downward spiral of crying and hopelessness (of course, it was early so my meds weren't in my system, yet). Which went on into a horrid bout right before he had to leave for work. He had offered to stay and apologized for upsetting me (like it was even his fault) but I insisted he get out the door. With the weather as it is, I knew they'd need him.

After he left, I was still crying for a while, realizing my mother has no idea or want to take responsibility for the head games she's played on me over the years. Everything nice she's ever done for ME was to make HER look good. And when I didn't look good, she was not exactly the 'caring' type.

Because of this, I just want to get away. Craig and I are making new friends and making a 3 year plan for our move to Europe. But according to Craig in her last email she did offer me money. Maybe I'll take her up on it. If she doesn't want to see me married and trust in my (and Craig's) adult decisions, then she just doesn't have to see me. Period.

I got my taxes done and thankfully the refund will JUST cover what I owe the government. So it all worked out. Big load of bricks gone there.

Also, at about 3pm my neighbours yapping little dogs started into a cacaphony of barking (I love animals, but these things are out of control). I left a four page letter on their door asking them to read the letter and "consider their options". I also said in no uncertain terms that I do not want to get the rental office or animal control in to investigate... they just need to discipline their dogs and give them boundaries. At the end of a long article on Caesar Millan's techniques I also offered the websites of Caesar's clinic, a canadian trainer, Brad, from "At The End Of My Leash" as well as the last resort shock collar should everything else fail. I hate training methods like that but by looking at the owner I'm guessing she's too lazy to bother working with the poor animals. It's so damn frustrating.

Other than that little note, from 10am until now, I've been hurriedly working on a slew of stuff for the anti-affricentric school rally on March 7th. I likely won't be able to attend, myself, but I am more than happy to help the organizers who seem a little overwhealmed at all this. The thing with protests is no one understands how much work is involved until you screw it up. Did that once and now I have a lot of experience under my belt. Plus, helping on a cause you're passionate about does help the ego.

So far we have: posters, internet banners, a draft schedule, a draft press release and flyers will be made shortly. It's a never ending stream of work. I can see how someone who works and goes to school would find it a little too taxing on their time.

Now of course, I'm exhausted both emotionally and physically and Craig will be home early tonight. Crap. I need to get dinner sorted out. LOL It never ends!!!

Here's hoping the day can slip out with a whimper. *prays* PLEASE!!!

The Taxman Cometh!

2008-02-06T23:59:00.000-05:00

Well, it's that wonderful time of year again when people shudder and stack up their prescription receipts and donation records to file their taxes. As I was audited twice in two years (the recent one saying I owe over $700), I'm a little apprehensive about doing it myself. Nonetheless, it's not like I have much of choice. I'll likely use TurboTax as they have an "audit meter" to measure how likely you are to be audited. Any help is good help.

Other than that, I've been "off" most of the day. Although my head is feeling better than ever, my body is having some not-so-fun reactions. However, I also suspect it may be withdrawl from the sedatives I was on. They're described as highly addictive, and according to my nauseated stomach and shakey hands, the pharmacists may be right. Either way, I have to stop taking them, so I have to deal with this on one side or the other. It may as well be now when I'm LOOKING for work, rather than when I'm trying to get the job done.

Craig has spent the last couple of days at home sick, too, so I can't discount we're suffering a weak bug of some sort. He used the time to download and burn a series of "The Football Factory" and "The Real Football Factories". It started as a book about hooliganism in English Football and was turned into a movie. The success of the movie spawned the series aired on Nation Geographic Channel which in the first season covered England and the UK and the second went International.

The bottom line is I'm watching stuff on football and enjoying it. There's one playing in the bedroom right now, so I'm going to go watch...

...what's wrong with me? Enjoying sport?! This is bizarre! LOL

In other news, I've now lost the 50 lbs I wanted and have hit my target weight. The key now will be making sure I don't gain it back or dip too much lower. I don't want to end up anorexic! But do check out the new banner pictures! :-) Woot, woot!

Realization:

2008-02-05T16:31:00.000-05:00

I'm angry most of the time. And that's okay. Fierce anger can be harnessed to do many positive things.

I'm starting to feel like a fighter again. Like my one woman army.

Eat it, world. That's all you get today.

1, 2, 3... Sick and tired!!!

2008-02-04T09:29:00.000-05:00

Today is a bad day. I can tell. Three indicators of a bad day:
1) you wake up sick after 4 hours of actual sleep
2) you have a filthy home in need of cleaning
3) you're quitting smoking today.

Any one of these things could, in fact, lead to a bad day. And I've got them stacked up like a grocery list.

All I want to do is:
1) lay under about 20 blankets
2) nap and;
3) drink broth.

Instead, I get to:
1) clean
2) run errands
3) take care of the animals (re: walk the dog, clean cat poo, feed them, etc) AND;
4) try to get dinner ready by the time my man gets home.

...And he's not working overtime tonight so the clock is ticking!

GOTTA GO!

Thanks, MeHarmony!

2008-02-03T22:17:00.001-05:00

Since they were doing a "review your matches for free" weekend on eHarmony.com, we thought we'd have a laugh and see if we match up, seeing as we'll be spending the rest of our lives together.

The result?

Well, we both found out there are lots of other people who would like to be with us, but apparently, we're just not meant to be. Who knew?!

*laughs hysterically* Way to go Dr. Neil Clark Warren!

I could make any two people compatible if I had a system set up like that too! A bunch of single people looking for "the one" then going through "guided communication" to meet them... being told to "keep an open mind" throughout the site. Yeah, I bet it works out a good deal of the time, cause people are getting to know each other before meeting! What a concept! I thought that died out in the 1950's...

Anyway, it makes me laugh that who I consider to be my soul mate and I aren't compatible. I guess sometimes opposites do attract.

NOW WATCH THIS: http://youtube.com/watch?v=LVk16vf8u44

Back to basics... the SSRI

2008-02-03T13:31:00.000-05:00

Well, the new SSRI's are starting to do their thing and I'm not 100% sure how I feel about it. Generally I feel good. I'd almost call it a buzz, except that this is supposed to be what normal feels like. Happy? Is that the word I'm looking for?

PRO: my mind doesn't race, much like on the sedatives.
CON: I can't stop moving, twitching, tummy rumbling.
PRO: I have more energy.
CON: my eyes still feel tired.
PRO: I'm writing more.
CON: I'm itchy all over, arms, knees, wrists - annoying!
PRO: my sleep is better.
CON: I don't know what to do with all the quiet in my head. :-P
PRO: I look pretty good now-a-days.
CON: this treatment might make me gain weight.

So really, on the whole, I suppose it adds to a positive thing.

Although I'm sure this will take a little getting used to. My brain has been so unbalanced for so long, I'm sure they'll be some adjustment... which is why I'm so glad I have Dr. Madigan twice a week right now. She's watching me like a hawk. Super therapist who's up to date and always doing new training, but always has time for those who need her. Good egg.

I could speak to how much time I'm putting in on the Black-Focused School debate, but I've been doing so much I don't want to spend another word on it. :-)

I'm going to try to relax the rest of the day away, knowing I stop smokng tomorrow (yes, again) and have a hell of a day of cleaning as well. Well, at least my hands will be busy - as will my head, trying to figure out what to blog about!

The "Black School" Debate

2008-02-02T23:59:00.000-05:00

NOTE: it's really 2am on Sunday.
Okay, it's late. Really late. But the new meds are making me a little gittery and thus, the late-night post. Now, nothing extraordinary happened today - not to me, but there is an issue I feel strongly about that is wracking my last nerve (those of you who read this blog know I have too few as it is).

COLES NOTES VERSION OF EVENTS:

The Toronto District School Board has voted to open an africentric school to help combat the high levels of drop-outs among black students. The school is to be run primary by black instructors (or so the board has led the public to believe), to be populated primary by black students (but of course, all are welcomed), and have an "afri-centred" curriculum (whatever the heck that is).

A test curriculum was put into place quite successfully in a few classes and based on this a new school will be created. The late-night vote was 11 to 9. One of the black board members who tried to vote it down was assaulted afterwards while trying to give an interview.

The public heard the next morning, saw the images from the meeting and for the large part, are enraged. The online polls I've seen have put the numbers anywhere from 7% - 20% FOR the schools and 80% - 93% AGAINST. The provincial government has stated it's opposition, but says the board is operating within it's jurisdictions.

The dollar figures are $850,000 to get this up and running. $850,000 when the Toronto District School Board is operating on a 41 million dollar deficit. The province has said in no uncertain terms it will NOT provide the board more money for this project and it must find the money within it's own budget (which means schools elsewhere in the board must be losing funding). Compare this to a parent giving a child allowance; you can get whatever you want, but once it's gone, don't look back for more.

To be fair, it should be noted there is a gay/lesbian focused alternative school and a native alternative school. Both have been received well. There is also an "afri-centric" private school open.

WHY I HAVE A SAY:

I can see why, on the surface, particularly white people like myself, would want to stay out of this issue. It's not our place, let the "community" decide for itself. This is just the first issue to deal with. Yes, it IS my business. It's my tax money. It's my school system, where I went, where my children may go. It's the system I went to school in. ...And most importantly these are some people who shaped who I am today. They helped make me who I am. Thus, I DO feel the need to speak my piece and stand and be counted.

MY TAKE:

I went to Forest Hill C.I. and it didn't get much whiter (or Jewish) than that. 4 teachers of any colour (two of them were indian) and probably about as many black students. Deanna was my best friend in grade 9. We ran into each other in that lonely fear you have in a school of people different from you. Greg was the class clown but never a bad influence... he'd just manage to be around you when it happened. Moishe was one of the cool kids so I never really got to know him beyond school, but a great guy (I was far down the food chain, by the way). Had I not met these people I wouldn't be the person I am. I doubt I would be as accepting of people of colour. I wouldn't have known any. I was brought up in Leaside (WASP! I hate bugs!). :-P

School is a preparation for life. If there was an africentric school, and I was a black youth that felt like I didn't fit in, I may want to go there. But then I wouldn't have met Deanna. Who knows how many "mostly" white schools will look like KKK rallies if this school opens. It scares me to think of people not getting to know each other. Getting to know them, their families, backgrounds. What happens on graduation day when they're off into the real world? Africentric colleges? Africentric employers?

I saw a statement from a black student that used to go to a "historically black college" in Mississippi he said something to the effect of, I don't care who my teacher is or what my curriculum is, if I want to learn, I'll put the effort in and learn. I also spoke via email with a woman whose (beautiful) bi-racial children will never set foot in that school because she and her spouse feel it's segregation and against his (and her) values. I've heard from my fiance's work colleaugue, that feels to not prepare teenagers for life in the "cubicle" world, where you will work with people of ALL colours, is criminal.

Please note I have looked up the word "segregation". It is a noun meaning "forced apart or forced to separate".

This of course also doesn't address the fact that not everyone who is black is "afri"-anything. My fiance has a good friend who considers himself an islander and intentionally will not refer to himself as "african-canadian", he's never been there, he can't trace his roots there, why would he describe himself as such? Much like I have Irish blood, but I'm very much Canadian.

And onto my next point. We are ALL EQUALS UNDER THE LAW. So far as I am concerned, everyone (including the natives and gay/lesbian communities) should be in school together. Those are your formative years and not having those influences is silly when we are trying to build a cohesive society with everyone coming together in PEACE.

I also believe part of the problem is the lack of after school programs to keep kids interested in school but that's a whole other thing I'm NOT getting into. Sorry!

...SO IN THE END:

The public outcry since the event has been astounding. As I mentioned about the polls, people are by and large: pissed. And now, even with these numbers, I'm still being asked why I should care. I don't understand why they don't.

I'm glad my children will likely be raised in europe where I can teach them about other cultures by taking a train on a weekend trip. Cut out the middle man.

Now, though, I'm tired... It's 2:45 am... time to go.

Pandora's Box Explained.

2008-02-01T13:05:00.000-05:00

My family can print this and use it as a mad-libs of emotional outpouring. Pick the appropriate word for your position and AWAY YOU GO! Enjoy!

Dear / Friend / Aunt / Uncle / Cousin / Second Cousin / Third Cousin (select one),

I'm sorry my actions have made my mother, your / friend / sister /aunt / great aunt / cousin / second cousin (select one) feel so / angry / hurt / upset / betrayed /overjoyed / off the hook (select one). It has taken me a lot of therapy to begin sorting through the pandora's box she opened after cancelling the wedding due to a / change of heart / fear that her daughter's crazy /we're not having kids /stock market crash (select one). I cannot speak to her until I am able to define who I am and support myself without her controlling every aspect of my / life / love life / future / past (select one...or all in this case).

I need YOU to know that I am not a person who strives for weath or power. I don't want it. With power and money, often come immorality and loss of ethics (don't even get me started on this). I would rather be a social activist barely making ends meet than hold any position where my decisions can negatively impact on the planet and people.

Call me a / bohemian / "arteeste" / eutopian-nutter / crazy lady (select one), but that is who I am. I don't feel you all necessarily respect that of me, but I'm not changing. And true, you may just think I'm /ill / sick / damaged / in need of a rubber room (select one), but how sick can someone be when they see their therapist twice a week and take their meds. I'm working on it, but instead of respect for my treatment, people keep pestering me.

If I haven't emailed you - I don't want to hear from you / Friend / Aunt / Uncle / Cousin / Second Cousin / Third Cousin (select one) - unless you're Katie or Beth (or any other Daly/Lusk family member).

side note: Sorry about the lapse ladies, I owe you both a call.
I'm a model of how someone who thinks they're worth nothing can start to prove to themselves that they're worth everything in the world. And I don't need to prove it to you / Friend / Aunt / Uncle / Cousin / Second Cousin / Third Cousin (select one), just to me... so back the "F" off before I actually decide that disowning everyone is best. It's a mighty thin line these days.

My plans for the future (next 5 years) will be moving away (the U.K., then to Australia) and I hope that I can have a meaningful goodbye when that happens. I'm just very aware that the main feeling I still harbour is anger. I want my mother to BEG for my forgiveness. That's trite and selfish, too, but I can't help what I'm feeling. I want a real "I'm sorry", not just offered in a necklace shaped liked scissors - what kind of mother gives that as a gift at a time like this? Jane? Mary? Mary Lou? Carol? Anyone?

A year ago, my mother was best friend and I couldn't have said a bad word about her if I tried. Now I can't think of her without becomming enraged to the point of breakdowns. She doesn't care. She never did. She never wanted me. She wanted the status symbol ...and the little girl inside me is still pissed off about it.

I thought Dad was 'slow' cause he was always so quiet around me. But he loved me from the second he held me. He called me his little angel and cried for almost a day after they got me... My mother was like a stone (HER INTERPRETATION GIVEN TO ME MULTIPLE TIMES). Like, "Oh, look, my parcel has arrived". He was there after school, swimming lessons, taking me to choir practice even though he didn't go to church... and I know mom made sacrifices like coming to school with me EVERYDAY for 3 months (but that's probably just one more reason I'm insane in the brain).

As a result of all this, / Aunt / Uncle / Cousin / Second Cousin / Third Cousin (select one if applicable), I can't deal with her and as a result, most of you. It's not that I don't care for you, but I have lost my trust and faith in the family I once felt sheltered in. The majority of you are judgemental, calculating and cold a lot of the time - but at least you're not selfish. Either way, / Aunt / Uncle / Cousin / Second Cousin / Third Cousin (select one if applicable), I'm too fragile for any of you right now.

I'm sorry if you feel like I'm turning my back or that I don't care, because that's simply not the case. The fact of the matter is I / love you / respect your life and choices / miss you dearly (select one or all of the above). I just have to figure out myself and who I want to be without my mother and familial influence.

I've been Pinocchio without a puppeteer for a few months now, and NOW I'm just trying to be a "real boy".

One day, I won't just be an openly broken girl. But for now, I'm afraid you all just have to accept it.

With respect and love (and a hint of frustration),

Megs.

blog down!

2008-01-31T16:28:00.000-05:00

Um... the blog site is being shut down as I'm writing this so... NO POST FOR YOU!
(today)

Chillin' like an illin' villian.

2008-01-30T15:20:00.000-05:00

Shivers, cramps, nausea and exhaustion. Sounds fun don't it? Craig and I are both under the weather. Not that I'd tell him that and risk making him feel worse.

On the upside, if this IS related to my anxiety, I have another appointment on Friday, then another on Tuesday and another next Friday (and the same the week after that). I'm not supposed to pathologize myself so much, but it's hard when you spend a couple days a week reviewing why you're weak.

I actually went through and updated my resume and cover letter today. For the first time, the thought of looking for a job didn't scare me to shit, so I figured I'd take advantage of this apparent burst of inner strength. On I go. Onward and upward.

Who wants to gamble on me? :-) I know there's someone out there who believes in people like I do.

...Now I just have to find where their office is. ;-)

Last few minutes

2008-01-29T23:49:00.000-05:00

Well, as the last few minutes of the day run out there aren't many revelations from this particular day, besides:

1) Craig & I are solid no matter what. I can put my heart in that. He's even agreed to join me in therapy.
2) The fact I hurt may be my mother's fault, the fact I'm out of control is mine.
3) I cannot let being "broken" define who I am exclusively. We all come with baggage, mine's just a little heavier. That's okay. It doesn't make me who I am, just dresses me up a little.

Now, I'm going to try to sleep despite the fact my tummy is in knots. Stupid aunt flow. :-P

Another day dawns...

2008-01-28T01:18:00.000-05:00

Well, having caught up on a couple of days worth of pictures and posts, I know there is much on my mind. The tension between Craig and I is becoming unbearable at times, leaving us snapping at each other over the stupidest things. We're losing our ability to fight constructively, partially because I have no will to fight or stand up anymore. I'm too tired for arguing. The constant rattle in my brain is enough, thank you very much.

I don't know what to do anymore, like life is slipping by and I'm grasping at the few remaining fibres, trying to hold them together with all the strength in my hands.

If Craig turned his back, I'd have nearly no one. No one who's trust I've earned and can rely on. I'd have to go back to my beloved smother... I mean mother! The thought that she would have me back in her life based on my inability to care for myself... it reinforces everything I think she wants out of me. I don't want to let her have it.

She responded to my email again but I haven't and won't read it. I don't really care what she thinks. Craig read it and responded... I wonder what was said but at the same time feel better just putting it out of my head. He's trying to protect me - just like she did.

I feel bad for hurting her... and yet, there's nothing good in that. I hate/am angry at her for what she did over the years no good in that either. Even in all my sadness that supposedly comes from her - I manage to have my brain spin it so it's all my fault. I don't think she understands that. And there's definitely no good to come from that.

I love the times... well, that's the sad part... there aren't many times I remember having fun and not feeling like I had to be "on". Buying clothes together, going for lunch... really it was always shopping related. We actually didn't share much of a sense of humour.... I don't remember laughing anymore. I know there must have been times... but the only time I remember was when we were outside telling stories about Dad right after he passed, watching the sunset. I remember crying at the same time though, so I'm not sure that counts.

The best thing I have in my life, I'm afraid of losing. But then again, people have a history of turning their back on me, and I tend to prepare for the worst.

As for now, I need to join my love in bed. It's late, and since we haven't killed each other yet, we may as well enjoy sleeping next to each other until the next lover's quarrel.

I love this man to death!

Post Script...

2008-01-27T20:01:00.000-05:00

Drew (Rigden, #30) arrived with a handfull of the Men's Sledge Hockey Team this evening after their flight touched down at 5:36PM. It was well worth the hour long wait to see him, the look on his face says it all, "We're #1 baby!" ...and the bling isn't bad either! :-)

The family was there to embarass Drew with flags and signs after his Team Canada debut where he was credited with the only shut-out during the tournament! He certainly proved himself to a lot of people on this trip. And he's made a lot of people proud (especially his little brother)!

Of course, there were other team members there, including Goalie Paul Rosen who credited Drew with "trying to take [his] place", but went on to say that's a good thing... and there were other words of encouragement, but I won't start a gossip mill just yet.

We'll have to see if they continue to watch Drew as a major contender for the 2010 paralympics... I'm just throwing it out there... From http://www.hockeycanada.ca/ "...the Canadians, who got a 14-save-shutout performance from goaltender Drew Rigden (Kincardine, ON) in his first-ever appearance for the national team. ... Rigden made the most of his first start for Canada, making six saves in each of the first and third periods on the way to the shutout, quieting the pro-Japanese crowd of 250 at Taisetsu Arena."

Post Script...

2008-01-26T23:30:00.000-05:00

This is how I would like to remember today: went to concert, had a blast. Low Level Flight proved they're more than the flavor of the week, they have solid talent behind some awesome songs. Even the new material went over well!

Low Level Flight (f. Ryan Malcolm of Candaian Idol fame) rocks out at the Diesel this evening!

Before we started the insanity. We were having a blast! And sporting new haircuts!

Instead, there was a blow up en route home and a melt down in my closet, and everything, is of course, fine as usual. I'm not sure how much more I can say. It was a typical spat. Just at a crappy time. Such is life. Que cera, cera.

Tonight, I blew my lid...

2008-01-25T19:06:00.000-05:00

Kathy Doherty wrote:
I hope all is well with you and Craig. I think about you a lot and just wanted to check in.

Life is the same ole same ole for me.

Love

Mom

Megan Ball wrote:

How dare you?!
...act like everything is fine... like I want to speak with you.

...have you cancelled the wedding yet or are you still sitting on it so I can talk to Reg at Delta again? :-(

I'm glad life is the "same ole" for you ...do you EVER feel emotional pain?

I spend everyday in torture - screaming at walls, crying, throwing things.

...you don't seem to get that. You've got me to the point I'm "disabled" according to my docs. I have no money come March first, but my doctor says I can't look for work because I'm too unstable. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HEAR THAT?!

Craig yells at me everyday recently (over things that are usually money related) and I can't even blame him. I know what it's like to be with someone like me.

I hate myself. Whatever you thought you taught me about how to love myself, you did a shitty job.

I hope your therapy is going well.
Mine is shite. Not ever enough time for what I need to say.

One day, I'll stop being angry at you. I hope. But right now, I have nothing positive to say to you.

PS - I'll be mailing that necklace back to you, I really don't want something like that from my "Mom". That was the sickest thing to give and the worst message to send - if it WAS unintentional (and I DON'T believe it was), then it was just REALLY fucking stupid. It felt like the WORST head game yet.

PPS - My number has changed. I'll give you the new one when I can say your name without heart palpitations.

Me? Social?

2008-01-25T10:18:00.000-05:00

Well, today will likely be spent running errands and tidying the house. We have a friend coming over tonight. One of Craig's old coworkers will be popping by late for beer and conversation. For some reason, having people in my home always makes me tense. Everything has to be perfect, I need to have everything my guests may need on hand.

Entirely unnecessary, especially when the person coming is a friend, yet still, there it is...

...memories of my mother yelling at my father cause Grandma was coming in an hour while blasting the stereo while she vacuumed and he quietly tried to watch the History Channel.
...memories of being at my first apartment and throwing a xmas party, I cleaned immaculately, made sure everyone got a gift, provided drinks and food for my guests, their guests and had enough left over for the following week.
...memories of getting ready for a girls night out where my closest friends pointed out how organized and overly-prepared I was.

So perhaps instead, later, I'll just take a sedative and enjoy the company. :-)

GO FOR GOLD, TEAM CANADA!!!

2008-01-24T10:58:00.000-05:00

This morning while Craig and I were still fast asleep, my brother-in-law, Drew Rigden was playing with the Canadian Men's Sledge Hockey Team in Asahikawa, Japan. In case, like me, you were unfamiliar with the particulars of sledge hockey, "Sledge hockey is the Paralympic version of ice hockey and, since its debut on the Paralympic program at the 1994 Lillehammer Paralympic Winter Games, it is quickly becoming one of the biggest attractions for spectators at the Paralympic Winter Games. It is fast-paced, highly physical and played by male athletes with a physical disability in the lower part of the body." Taken from the Canadian Paralympic Committee/ International Paralympic Committee.

Anyway, they were finishing up the round robins this morning and Drew was put in in the second period to tend goal. From http://www.hockeycanada.ca/ "...the Canadians, who got a 14-save-shutout performance from goaltender Drew Rigden (Kincardine, ON) in his first-ever appearance for the national team. ... Rigden made the most of his first start for Canada, making six saves in each of the first and third periods on the way to the shutout, quieting the pro-Japanese crowd of 250 at Taisetsu Arena." We ended up winning the game 2-0, which advances us to the gold medal game, Saturday at 3am Eastern ST , 5pm local time. Sadly there's no coverage here, so we'll have to wait to hear how the last game goes down.

No matter what, the Canadian Men's Sledge Hockey Team is coming home with something!

If YOU want to be there to congratulate them, the Team will be arriving at:

Toronto's Pearson Int'l Airport, Terminal One (YYZ),

Sunday, January 27, 2008

5pm.

Drew Rigden's (#30) new "support our troops/always remember" helmet.

One side (above), depicts flanders field cross and poppy with rifle, while the other (below) shows the statue at Vimy Ridge.

GO TEAM CANADA!!!

WE'RE CHEERING FOR YOU A WORLD AWAY!

A letter to my biological sister...

2008-01-23T15:33:00.000-05:00

Dear Beth,

I'll start by answering your questions:

I did see my Mom over Christmas. She stopped by to drop off gifts, but didn't want me to open them until Christmas. Things were okay until I opened it and found a jewelry box, but inside was a necklace with a charm of scissors on it. How's that for a nasty head game?

The wedding is effectively cancelled until Craig and I can get our financial act together. Sickness benefits are better than nothing, but he's working 50-55 hour weeks trying to pay his student debts off. As you know money truly can be the root of all evil. For all intents and purposes, I guess we're engaged with no firm date.

However, that being said I've been looking into civil ceremonies that only run about $400. Of course you will be the first to know! With my adoptive mother effectively out of my life, that's the God's honest truth. :-P

The next few days are a little hectic; friends over on Friday night, a concert Saturday and my brother-in-law is coming back with the Canadian Sledge Hockey Team from a tourney Japan on Sunday evening.

Plus the therapy. Whoa. Talk about an eye-opener yesterday...

My therapist basically tried to explain that my adoptive mother (conscious or not) has played a lot of head games with me over the years and handled my disorder inappropriately. As Dr. Madigan explained, it's hard to find fault with your parents when you've deified them for a long time, and she said it will be a long time until I can honestly come to grips with that.

Part of the surrounding issue is that I'm also highly judgemental of myself. As the doc put it, I judge myself on everything (and harshly) so that no matter what people may say about me, I can be prepared for it. This is something likely born out of being bullied at a young age. If you fit in and no one notices you, you won't get the crap kicked out of you. That was a hard one to accept. I guess I am my own harshest critic.

The doc loved hearing about you, too. She was amazed at how, despite our genetic similarities, your situation enstilled you with so much courage. I can't honestly say I could've have done what you did. You're a pretty tough chick. ;-)

So it's a little emotionally exhausting but I'm working through a lifetime of hidden thoughts, it's to be expected I suppose. :-) On the whole, life is good. I still have work to do, but I've always been okay with paying my dues. :-)

Love and Hugs to you lil' sis!

Megs (and Craig)

PS - We have steak in the freezer, pulled beef in the fridge and fresh fish and chips. Don't worry, I'm eating... just not huge portions and I'm trying to avoid my coke addiction (THE DRINK!) which in and of itself is terrible for me (10 tsp of sugar in a can?!). I'm healthy and with how often I see doctors I'm sure they'll let me know!

PPS - My doc wants me to start on the generic version of selexa which causes weight gain so even with the working out and diet, things may change! :-P

Meg and Beth, December 2008

Some Notes On Heath Ledger's Death

2008-01-23T09:45:00.000-05:00

From TMZ.com

"Multiple sources in the NYPD tell TMZ, although it's too early to know, it's looking like Heath Ledger's death was accidental and not suicide.

There have been numerous reports suggesting that Ledger took his own life by ingesting a boatload of pills. Contrary to initial reports, the pills that were "scattered" around Ledger's apartment were actually in containers. We're told the containers were not littering the apartment. Rather, some were in the medicine cabinet and some in other rooms. As we reported, one container was on Ledger's nightstand. Cops found sleeping pills and an anti-anxiety drug in the bedroom.

A rep for the family tells TMZ that detectives have been in touch with Ledger's next of kin and the cops told them that so far there is no evidence suggesting suicide. Of course, until the toxicology reports come in, no one knows for sure.

A well-connected source in the NYPD told us this morning the "operating theory" right now within the department is that it was an accidental death, not suicide.

It's unclear if Ledger's health was a factor. As we first reported, he had pneumonia at the time of his death."

From CP24's live Television Coverage - 9:35am

Tracy Moore on CP24 reported this morning that since Heath's portrail of the disturbed and insane Joker for the upcoming Batman movie, "The Dark Knight", he had problems sleeping and had begun taking sleeping pills.

My Take:

The fact that both sleeping pills and anti-anxiety medication we're found IN CONTAINERS, suggests that the overdose was accidental, not intentional. Many anti-anxiety medications (like the ones I take) are sedatives and not to be used with sleeping pills. The autopsy will tell the whole story. It is scheduled for sometime today.

NOTE: The autopsy performed in NY earlier today yeilded inconclusive evidence and further results will be filed after 10 days once toxicology can confirm what was present in his system. An update from TMZ.com reported, "TMZ has confirmed two of the medications found at Heath Ledger's apartment were Xanax and Valium, both anti-anxiety drugs. Cops also found Ambien, along with several medications prescribed in Europe." This is starting to sound a little "Anna Nicole" for my liking. Why do you have SO many prescription meds laying around your place at the age of 28?

R.I.P. Heath Ledger

2008-01-22T18:22:00.000-05:00

Heath Ledger, April 4, 1979 - January 22, 2008, Aged 28

Provided by: http://fametastic.co.uk

I had to make a note because, sadly, I see some of myself in these celebrities who find their own ways to tragic ends. Perhaps it's my own self destructive nature, but every time I hear one of these stories (Brad Renfro, who had multiple substance issues died just last week at 25), my stomach goes into knots.

I wish that I could talk to these people - and listen to hear what's really going through their heads. It all seems so close to what I feel sometimes... apparently, Heath had had no real influence from "adults" once he moved to LA, though TMZ reports he had a squeaky clean image, a friend close to him has now reported he has had problems in the past but had been able to get himself under control without rehab. Look how well that turned out.

Not to mention I have my own suspicions that Heath was a closested homosexual (to clarify: I'm not gay-bashing here), so if he had substance problems it kinda fits. Failed marriage (to Dawson's Creek's Michelle Williams), no one to lean on, custody issues with your child (who was a 'surprise', let's be honest), overworked and stressed (3 projects inside a year)... it starts to add up.

Now, perhaps, that masseuse was there because he was taking a spa day because he had a sore back. Maybe that's what the meds were for. Maybe it was just a freak allergic reaction to a pain killer. Maybe. But my heart tells me something different. And I hurt a little for those like him (Brad, Britney, Avril).

We're too young to be so self-destructive! Where do we start?

...where do I start?

"GiveMeaning.Com" or, "Why I hate the "Sun" newspapers"

2008-01-22T14:18:00.001-05:00

Ever since I was little I took world issues classes. I loved pouring over articles from all different sources, but I love local papers. Something about the feel of a newspaper under your hands while you catch up on the more detailed news. Black finger prints on my coffee mug. And thus (for research purposes of course), I ranked them; Globe and Mail, Toronto Star, National Post (mostly because I hated Conrad Black) and last the Toronto Sun. Why was it last?

Was it the "sunshine girl" on page three (now the last page)? No.
Was it the inaccurate forecasts? No.
Was it the insane amount of advertising? No.
Was it the lack of content? A little... but mostly, no.

The real reason? My school DID NOT ALLOW us to us ANY Sun paper. The articles were written at "below average" reading comprehension, mostly based on opinion and not fact, thus it was inappropriate for use at grade 13 (OAC to Ontarians) level. There's a reason the format of the paper is a "tabloid" format, not like the other national papers.

"But, why do I care about your teenage news experience?" You ask.

Well, over the weekend a "gentleman" named Tom Newman I assume is a columnist and not free-lance for the Vancouver Sun (same beast, different head), armed with only 2 years of financial statements from the Canadian Revenue Agency, wrote an article and POSTED IT ON MY BLOG AS A COMMENT (rude, I am not here to give "journalists" a forum; this is MY forum). He stated a large laundry list of numbers, trying to explain that he feels Tom Williams CEO, a kid at 25 who gave up everything (including consulting with F500 companies), is a thief using charity as a 'guise.

He also commented "Con men con and life goes on. Still, people using charity as a cover to line their own pockets is not admirable." I'd like to know WHAT CREDENTIALS does Tom Newman have? Is he an accountant? Did he consult one in the writing of his article? Did he meet with or speak to any other internet charity sites like charityvillage.com?

CRA documents for 2 years (particularly when dealing with an internet start-up) do not a criminal make. It's people like Tom Williams that I make a habit to defend. People like Tre Smith, Toronto Humane Society's cruelty investigator. I stand up for people who are TRYING to HELP the world, yet seem to only get short shrift.

Besides, if I'm not mistaken, Tom Williams be MUCH better off at one of his Fortune 500 clients where he earned WAY more money doing consulting. About a quarter-mil American per annum, if I remember correctly. That seems like way easier money - and he didn't have to deal with stories like this.

This new line of work doesn't seem like a greedy personae to me. He got out of the rat race to make a difference.

It's a brilliant article, too (but I'm not encouraging any of you to read it). I can see why Tom Newman writes for the SUN. But then again that's just MY opinion.

PS - That's it for today. You'll have to wait for my adventures of the subconscious until tomorrow. Sorry! :-P

The one notable thing at the R.O.M.

2008-01-21T22:10:00.000-05:00

The Queensland BLACK Star Sapphire is also called a "destiny stone", with the three main points on the star representing hope, faith and destiny. Star sapphires were also believed to help ward off ill omens and the Evil Eye. On display for the first time since 1969, until... (it SAID December 2007, we saw it on January 20, 2008)?

FROM: http://www.rom.on.ca/news/releases/public.php?mediakey=2k9td2lwct

"The dazzling sapphire was discovered by a young boy named Roy Spencer in the 1930s on the surface of the Reward Claim; he ran back to show his father Mr. Harry Spencer (one of the earliest miners in the Central Queensland Gemfields) who remarked, “Oh yes, a large black crystal” and threw it down by the back door. Some accounts claim the stone was used as a doorstop for many years. Neither realized the value of the sapphire until it was sold uncut in 1947 to jeweller Harry Kazanjian. It was later cut and polished, revealing a brilliant six-point star sapphire weighing 733 carats. In 2002, the gem was purchased by the present owners."
The other thing I noticed at the Museum was S P A C E . . . lots and lots of space. Which is odd as most of the exhibits that I enjoy seem to remain untouched. It seemed like there was nothing new besides the blight that is the Michael Lee Chin Crystal.

Even the crystal itself is poorly constructed; sharp edges running up stair wells, screws obviously sticking out, bad drywalling - it looks like a bunch of guys got drunk and said, "hey, how can we deface one of the grandest buildings in Toronto? Oh, I dunno, lets drywall the whole thing and use the old grand lobby as a sitting area! It's brilliant!!!"

Although, it WAS designed on a cocktail napkin. Any building imagined over drink-ee-poos should probably warrant another look. No, they go ahead, build it and print the sketch on limestone tiles and coasters. But maybe that's just my opinion. I mean, does this look like a seating area to you (see below)?

My point is, I became nostalgic for the building I once spent every weekend in and I suppose what they're trying to do is complete a renovation that will bring it through the future. It just didn't hit it with me. At least they've still got the mummies and dinosaurs we all love! :-)

And so now, tired and sore (Craig has started me training with a bokken - see below), I bid you adeiu and good night. Tomorrow I have ANOTHER therapy session where my unwillingness to take meds will be argued and I can learn more about how it's okay that I'm screwed up in the head because of my mother. Also, I have to focus on me... nothing helps you focus your aggression like swinging around a giant wooden sword!

Hi-ya!!!

Goin' to the R.O.M.

2008-01-20T09:28:00.000-05:00

Courtesy of Craig's airmiles, we're on our way to hit the R.O.M. We're in a HUGE rush to get out of the apartment though I'll be sure to update when we get home. Hopefully I'll get some good pictures!

Taking a nap at 10pm - Most Haunted

2008-01-19T21:59:00.000-05:00

Well, most of today was spent loafing around watching our various specialty channels (who would've thought I'd be a fan of the Military Channel).

However before we could relax, we spent a few hours pouring over hundreds of statements and pieces of paper that will likely lead to Craig's Student loan being written off. Three different agencies are trying to collect the same debt from him and thus, violating the responsibilities in their licence.

There was actually a laundry list of things they have done that are less than transparent business practices. I'll spare you the minutia. Time will tell on this one. The Ombudsman and Registrar are going to have to sort it out. Goodness knows that may take a awhile.

We ran some errands, played some Scrabble (aw, how domestic!), had steak and fried for dinner and a beer to finish things off. Not too bad if you ask me.

Now, I'm going to lie down in the hopes I can wake up in a couple of hours to watch "Most Haunted" on 'W' (Fridays at 10pm, Saturdays at midnight, cable channel 27 in Toronto, ON). They've caught ghosts on thermal imaging, have had wet footprints materialize out of nowhere and have objects thrown at them; objects relevant to people attached to building in the past (coins, rings, etc.). If you have a love of the paranormal, you should look this show up. It kicks unadulterated ass. Yvette Fielding (the host) and medium David Wells are our favourites. They get each other so excited/scared/hysterical that it's entertaining, even on less-productive estates.

SIDE NOTE: Dinner is always better when Craig cooks! :-P Although my pulled pork is on the menu in the next couple days... that always works out pretty well. *drools*

Did anyone get the license plate of that truck?

2008-01-18T11:25:00.001-05:00

So I saw Dr. Madigan today. She said a lot of good things and I did a lot of crying and she was disgusted by the 'scissor' necklace charm I got for Christmas... which, for some reason, also upset me. (Wild, that.)

Hey, one thing I've been promising is to be extremely open!

I was asked today, if I had my mother in a room and I could say ANYTHING I wanted, and she could NEVER repeat it to anyone, what would I say?

I thought a long time, started crying and said, "I'd probably rip this damn scissor-symbolism necklace off, throw it in her face and walk out. I'm too angry to say anything productive.

For the record, I was told NOT to do this in real life as that's kinda rude. However I was also told it's okay to angry at her. She's been a controlling, manipulative, passive-aggressive Mom. That doesn't mean she MEANT to do it. It just kinda happened, and like I said, with the family history, it was likely only a matter of time.

It's so funny that after being SO upset by how Craig's family acted during Christmas in 2006, I've come to see them as a highly functioning, open bunch. They just scream, take a nap and apologize later. I didn't get it at first, but after this year - I GET IT! No talking behind people's backs and little vendettas and competition over how big the gifts are for the kids...

Example: Oh, well, if Kathy gives each of our kids $40 each, then we should give Megan something that adds to the same amount - DID ANYONE ACTUALLY SAY THIS, OR WAS THIS JUST MADE UP BY MY MOM?

Christmas this year was so tame. Granted everyone was hungover and I was REALLY not in the Christmas spirit (and heavily sedated), but it was so organic it was hard not to have a great time. Plus I love all the siblings around. Crazy.

Anyway, the bottom line is, I believe my mother to be a passive-aggressive person hell-bent on keeping me closer than is possible. She used my disorder as an excuse to put all the weight on me rather than just saying, "I don't think you're ready to get married".

Are you mortified [for her] yet? You damn well should be.

I'm mailing her the necklace back. Whether or not it was from the One of a Kind 2006 or 2007 is irrelevant. It was a stupid and inexcusable gift given the circumstances.

So, that's it for now - the intensive twice per week sessions start next week. Soon I'll be dying to work just so I don't have to go to therapy!

Also, I'm not supposed to analyze Mom and her actions and how they relate to me anymore. Observe, take notes, but don't analyze. :-/ ...Dr. Madigan thinks I can't do that yet. I'll try though.

I'm baaaaack!

2008-01-17T14:19:00.000-05:00

Yes, I know yesterday's last words must have been somewhat troubling, but alas, I'm still here...

...and the gawd dang fire alarms are still going off!!! As soon as they started up today it felt like they'd been on all night. Insta-headache! It's that wonderful time of the new year where fire inspection agencies make a bunch of money checking that smoke alarms and fire alarms are working. At least I won't get burned to a crisp!

...it should be noted I'm on the second floor and live next to the access stairwell. :-P

Another day, though as today draws to a close, I wonder what emotional heartbreak awaits me at my visit with Dr. Madigan tomorrow. Those are always fun visits. Yippee.

If you don't know me, that was sarcasm. I'm not looking forward to it. Even though I'll likely feel better a few days later once everything is thought out.

...ugh, I said I was "committed" to therapy. Guess it's the same as being committed to Craig. Ups, downs, crying, compromise and relief. Seems about right. :-)

As for today... I feel like taking a nap... but instead, I'm going to run errands and catch some 6 o'clock news.

The Story of an Openly Broken Girl

2008-01-16T15:55:00.000-05:00

Okay... so, remember I was promising that insight, yesterday? Well, it took a week and 3 songs and A LOT of time learning how to use Microsoft Movie Maker, but I did it. The story of the openly broken girl is out on my YouTube account for all to see (see 'the video bar', bottom right or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mi4J0bW65zc).

By breaking away from the family (as hard as it has been), I've been able to be me. Perhaps that's part of my problem. I was raised to be SO conscious of what others thought of me, my endevours, my shape, my etiquette... coupled with my genetic propensity for anxiety (still got my verbosity), it was likely only a matter of time before there was a meltdown.

The problem lays with mostly with me and I'm very aware of that. However, there is a ribbon of denial, gossip and resentment that runs through so many in my family (and even some of my friends), that I simply can't deal with after all of this.

Meds screwing with my brain chemistry, money woes because I'm not allowed to work, emotional stress from "dealing" with these issues, it all adds up and the one person I would normally trust, I've come to see as my abuser. I find myself crying and wishing that Dad was here. Even typing this, my hands have started to shake.

No "gets it", except maybe my youngest cousin Kimmy and she's just coming to a stage (13, I think) where she needs stable people around her. Not to mention the family has made it clear where they stand.

Things like this are private. Family matters shouldn't be publicized, lest someone actually see me for who I am.

You're depressed?
Try smiling!

You're anxious?
Try drugs!

You're broke?
Beg to the family coffers!

*smacks head*

I give up guys. I do. I'm sorry for the hurt she must feel. I am, it kills me - but this is about preservation of self. I need to watch out for that more than anything right now. Lest I down my pills and take an extended nap.

Love to those who love.

And so it goes...

2008-01-15T12:08:00.000-05:00

Finally, the calls are going to stop. The last of my outstanding debts was paid today, so while I'm totally broke, I'm also feeling a bit better. Although, my stomach has been off for a couple of days; if it's not one thing getting me, it's another.

*NOTE: Conall just ripped a stuffed toy to shreds under my feet - I must pay more attention to the little guy. He's like a toddler who just gets into trouble for the fun of it.*

Yesterday I finally managed to get my to do list accomplished. All, save the photos which I finished off this morning. All are named and cropped and blurred in the appropriate places. ...I'm kidding, by the way, folks. Just my way of attempting cuteness.

At any rate, the snow is starting to come down again, so Conall will be eager to get into it. There are a few projects around the house I'd like to hop on as well. And I should get to the gym.... it's just that since New Years, the place is never empty when I go. I can't wait until every one's enthusiasm dies down and I can go by myself.

Recently, my writing has been more of a cheating; listing my daily routine without much poetic forethought. I'm going to make a conscious effort to put myself into the grey a little more. We'll get away from "My So-Called Life" and get more towards some real insight. Sounds good, no?

Is it really only 3pm?

2008-01-14T14:59:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we:
- took the pup to High Park, where despite his size, was beaten up.
- bathed the dog (white dog and mud, you do the math)
- got groceries
- got dog treats and training toys
- got the old photos digitized and OFF my wall.

Today I:
- woke with Craig (no sleeping in)
- made the bed
- walked the dog
- did the laundry (including hauling 3 loads up and down stairs)
- cleaned the kitchen and living room
- folded and hung clean laundry
- vacuumed
- dusted
- walked the dog again
- read a bit of Stephen T. Colbert's "I AM AMERICA (and so can you!)", it's actually very funny! SURPRISE!

I have yet to:
- clean the bathroom
- walk to the mall
- run errands
- make a REAL dinner (a personal favourite, taco bake; perhaps I'll share the recipe later tonight)
- clean-up the digitized photos

Let me tell you how I'm feeling... actually, you take a guess! I've got too much to do!

...Good thing I'm cutting back on those sedatives, today those would spell the end of my efficacy!

I didn't do it!

2008-01-13T01:22:00.000-05:00

UPDATED: John Mayer's Blog from last night entitled: UNDER THE (IMPRESSION I CAN) INFLUENCE (PEOPLE AROUND ME), http://www.johnmayer.com/blog#2019

Yesterday's To Do List:

-grocery shopping, didn't do it
-house cleaning, didn't do it
-laundry, didn't do it
-puppy play at dog park (2 hours of outside time), got one hour, anyway
-puppy bath, didn't do it
-photo rescues (digitizing old ones), didn't do it
-new framing for said photos, didn't do it
-perhaps some writing titled, "You never knew me better than I knew myself", didn't do it

We spent the day relaxing and enjoying the day. It was nice! Now today will be crazy, instead.

Also, my knee is no longer paining me, but it's definitely weaker that it was before the dislocation. The gym is going to come in very handy for my self-physiotherapy. :-)

Now sleep... lots to do in a few hours.

Things To Do Today

2008-01-12T12:13:00.000-05:00

It's already noon and I feel like I'm falling behind...

-grocery shopping
-house cleaning
-laundry
-puppy play at dog park (2 hours of outside time)
-puppy bath
-photo rescues (digitizing old ones)
-new framing for said photos
-perhaps some writing titled, "You never knew me better than I knew myself".

Add to all this my knee is still buggered up, so I have to be very careful about how I move. It's one of those things that happens the second you let your guard down and you're not ready for it. Luckily Craig has a great sport brace that fits me, so when I'm out walking I can feel a bit more confident and not limp so much.

Part of getting better is using it normally... hey, there's some wisdom.

Anyway, this Broken Girl has to get away from the computer screen and onto the chores. We'll see what actually gets accomplished. ;-)

Beaten up feelin'.

2008-01-11T16:02:00.000-05:00

My knee won't stop aching, I'm fairly sure I bruised my hip when I fell and my whole body hurts from hitting the ground under the strain of 3, 100lb dogs. I do love the puppies though. :-)

Ryan Malcolm of Canadian Idol fame sent out a reminder about his new group's show in Toronto at Diesel later this month. Craig and I will be second row centre for Low Level Flight... Edwin is playing too so it should be a good show... and not too bad for $15 bucks plus a $2 internet fee ($34 for both of us). I also have a small crush on Ryan Malcolm (and his voice) so being able to see him live will be awesome.

*daydreams*
I wanna sing Say on stage with him...and email the video to my Mom.

Craig and I are just really happy to be able to have something fun to do. Moping around only gets you so far.

...Ouch, I hope the dog can wait to get walked til Craig gets home. He's just too much strain on my knee.

Now... off to daydream some more...

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha... Wipe Out!

2008-01-10T23:09:00.000-05:00

Well, for the first time in over two years my knee blew out today. Catastrophic dislocation if I've ever had one.

Granted, it was no fault of my own... Our dogs were playing (see pictured group) and a group of 3 large, muscled pups (including my own) barrelled me over like a bowling pin! There I was sitting in goodness knows what (the ground has thawed and is quite mucky), fighting the urge to cry while three men looked on in total shock. I've gotten knocked over before... lots actually. But this time I wasn't getting up. I had to reset my knee before standing and get back inside - thankfully some ice packs have taken the pain away... okay, ice and some Naproxen.

Aries, Pablo, Tank and Conall (Aries had nothing to do with it!!!) :-)

I responded to an email from the wedding planner today. Turns out he hadn't heard anything from Mom and she never contacted him about cancelling. I'm just so over it now. It's just nuts this is still going on.

And, speaking of nuts... (nice transition, no?) ...my meeting with Dr. Madigan was less than encouraging. She wants to see me twice a week (despite the fact, she'd told me her practice was full), and doesn't think I'm capable of returning to work. For the the next month, perhaps longer; even though working is "integral to my recovery". She wants to change my meds and therapy intensity, which tells me I'm worse off than Dr. Philp (my fantastic G.P.), thought I was. Clinically speaking, I'm disabled.

...and the knee, now, too! This is karmic retribution for something!

So I'll be taking some new regimen of brain-hormone changing drugs and hope that the advice she lends me helps. As she has said, a big part of this is "letting myself, hear myself talk". I used to run my mouth all the time... it'll be interesting to get back at that.

Some thoughts for those who greive...

2008-01-09T06:00:00.000-05:00

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grainI
am the gentle autumn rain
When you awaken in the mornings hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there, I did not die.
-Unknown

Opportunities Abound

2008-01-08T12:08:00.001-05:00

So what if my stomach is in knots?

I just got a call from GiveMeaning's CEO's Assistant. They're a non-profit organization that helps OTHER small charities have web-presence and gain more funding. The CEO himself is an inspiration to me - he had been a 9th grade drop-out, computer programming whiz, who went from writing code for Apple Inc., to consulting for Fortune 500 companies, to leaving it all behind to make a difference with www.givemeaning.com

I wrote him an email - just to tell him what a phenominal idea it was, how much I respected his integrity and that if they ever wanted any help from Toronto, I'd be happy to get involved. Then, I got a phone call. :-) We shall see!

I also have plans to meet with a recruiter later this week and hopefully that will pan out with something. The woman I have been dealing with was really sweet so I think things should be promising.

There are also a few other placements I've put in for with the Ministry of Justice & Corrections, if one of those were to come through it would be just fantastic. Particularly the one with the Coroner's Office, that one could definitelly be fufilling.

Anyway, that's about all for now... Mom saw my footage on the news, that was kinda cool.

Unremarkable...

2008-01-07T19:30:00.000-05:00

I spent some of the day importing Livejournal posts ( http://redpixiesticks.livejournal.com/ ), trying to nap and calm my stomach and then took a walk to the mall where I bought things I probably shouldn't have... or at least didn't need to.

I just want the sun to come out. All this wet weather makes my dog smell funny and look like a stray. He takes more baths than I do now... and I don't get massaged with suds by two people in mine!

That fire the other day was crazy... some of the footage Craig shot actually made the 6 o'clock news, which was pretty cool (thanks CityTV/CP24 Toronto). We just saw dozens of trucks and went to investigate. Once we saw what was unfolding, we ended up staying until most of it had been contained. Our toes and fingers were numb and we were wet (from the hoses and the rain), but as I said to Craig, "it's like staying to watch the slaying of a beast - you can't leave half-way through. And of, course there were all the residents that were crying and distraught, T-PASS alarms going off every two minutes... Not a scene that's easy to walk away from. But we did when actual frostbite began to nip at my fingers.

Conall has been most aggravated by the shorter walks that come with rain and as a result is taking his pent up aggression on the cats. Poor Craig disciplined him last night (after he'd attacked Tweek) by putting him on his side (something we haven't had to do in months) and the poor thing peed himself. We cleaned him up and made no big deal out of it... of course he's acting rather sheepish today, but no less bold with the cats. *nip, nip*

I think deep down, I am more upset about it than Conall was.

Anyway, time to plan dinner for the working man.

Fack, Feck, Fick, Fock... No Matter How You Say It

2008-01-06T13:23:00.000-05:00

Running in circles,
Nowhere to go,
Taking like teens
and left feeling low.

I make him a "Monster"
but I'm just trying to explain
those words that he uses,
sometimes can pain.

He just doesn't get it,
or maybe he's tired.
I just hate waking up
with my feet on the fire.

I'll try to make good,
I'll try to play fair,
but I'm still just a crazy,
life's weight I can't bear.

Running in circles,
stuck nowhere again.
Stumbling on words,
and hoping this mends...

UPDATE: S'all good. :)

Don't look now, it's a four-alarm blaze!

2008-01-05T16:08:00.001-05:00

This was the scene at 11am...

About 30 minutes later...

It was truly an amazing site to see 6 homes gobbled up in less than an hour. The whole thing has actually left me speechless, and while I'm sure there's more to be talked about (like poor, Stefanie Regel -> see http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=qxOKytvZAVw), I'm just too tired and awed right now.

Also, The World Juniors (Hockey Tourney) are on and we're tied with Sweeden (2-2) and I want to catch the overtime!!! As a canadian girl, I gotta watch!!!

UPDATE: We won witha johnny-on-the-spot goal on OT!!!

An Open Letter to Britney Spears...

2008-01-04T10:08:00.000-05:00

Dear Britney,

You look about as nuts as I feel 80% of the time.

Your money can't hide your imperfections or emotions, neither will systematically eliminating all of those close to you who are telling you the truth. Perhaps you have lost all trust after the K-Fed thing, or maybe you just grew up in a nutty environment. So did I, but I've fought to keep myself on an even keele, if not for me, then for those I love.

Forget about the fans and the "yes men" who agree with everything you say.

Take some time and look at who you are on the inside. Honour whatever your feelings are. Be they over motherhood, your relationships, your legal battles, your family, etc. - and then TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for them. The first step is to LET yourself feel again - don't function on auto-pilot, it will only eat you up in the end. Take those feelings and let them out... and when you're ready to, step up and take care of your kids - in the meantime, keep them at a distance - no kid wants to see mommy on a gourney.

Think about it, kiddo. You're my age, within a month... had I been brought up as you were, I'd probably be making the headlines for you! I'm not condemning any actions - I'm asking for you to recognize the imbalance within yourself - and to stop pushing those away who keep trying to help (your lawyers and paramedics for two examples).

And if you ever wanted someone to REALLY give it to you straight (not to be mean, just so you hear the truth), then you email me or any other "non-fan" that actually feels ill when they see pics like these across the TV.

You were on top of the world... maybe based on a career of less substance... but you owned it for a while, girl. Now, you're turning into Norma Desmond, living in Malibu, waiting for your close-up... well, here it is sweetie.
Fact of the matter is, in another life that could've been me laughing at my medic attendants.

Pictures courtesty of JFXOnline and TMZ.com

I hope your "mom" has pins inserted into her eyes and Jamie Lynn gets put into protective custody of the state. Don't be afraid to blame your parents, it's what everyone else does at 25... cause THEY made and raised you.

I hope you get the help you need - in whatever form helps you best.

Most Sincerely,

Megan Ball

R.I.P. Molly

2008-01-03T14:40:00.000-05:00

We got word last night from Craig's brother Drew, that Molly, one of Drew's beloved pooches had eaten a slew of his medical garbage which had impacted her stomach and intestines. Craig lived with Molly for a year and a half while living with Drew in Coldwater so he is devastated.

She was an integral part in my coming to love dogs. Large dogs had been a source of fear for me, but meeting "baby" I just couldn't remain afraid!

While the early reports sounded like she was as good as gone, when we spoke to Drew around 9:30pm, the vet had said she was doing better and provided she made it through the night her odds were very good. Craig seemed to have a sense of optimism, I didn't share; but of course, I was grateful she was still here. That was good enough.

Sadly, Molly didn't make it through the night and is being cremated to be burried in the ground she loved to run through.

Craig and I will be going up in the spring for that occassion, but in the meantime, it's just more sadness.

The Reason

2008-01-02T14:41:00.000-05:00

Everyday when I wake up
One thing makes me smile,
I have you now forever,
not "a bit", or "a while".

I'll never have men pain me,
I won't have lonely nights,
Can't fathom tears from lovers,
I finally got it right.

Even when we fight,
He's still all I'll ever need.
Even his worst barbs
Could never make me flee.

He's the reason: love, trust, hope...
From now until the end
He's the reason -
I'll never be heartbroken again.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2008-01-01T01:20:00.000-05:00

I usually don't drink, but I had a glass of aussie "bubbly" and I'm about ready for bed.

I'm a lush again! OY!

New Years Eve...

2007-12-31T13:02:00.000-05:00

As I let 2007 slip between my fingers like grains of sand, I encourage anyone reading this to watch the YouTube link below... RIGHT to the end.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=MpFfLO9cSRc

"One day
you have to let it go,
have to let it go.
And one day,
you'll stand up on your own,
stand up on your own, oh."

Better than any church hymn I've ever heard.

I may take a few days into the new year off, but I'll be back!

Goals and what not...

2007-12-30T16:00:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm off on the job hunt again, but as I sit going through my resume I'm more worried about my weight.

I've surpassed my goal of 125lbs and an quickly plummetting towards 120. Something even mom seemed to notice, although she thought I looked healthy... So long as my appetite comes back I'll be fine, my problem is I'm so used to smaller portions now I don't have much interest in food 90% of the time... Unless it's junk.

Anyway, the next thing with getting on the job hunt is hanging around my neck like an "albacore". I should hop on it now that the resume looks like something an intelligent person might have.

BEFORE & AFTER

Sometimes you just have to ask...

2007-12-29T21:58:00.000-05:00

I forgot to mention Conall loves his bed...

---------------------------------------------------------
Hey Mom,

Well, I have to admit, I'm exhausted after a long day of running around.

Craig and I were able to use Gary and Freya's giftcard to buy a storage shelf for above our toilet. We'd been talking about getting one, but as you can imagine, it wasn't a possibility. I attached a picture (I have a feeling I've misplaced Freya's email address again). Please send our thanks!

We also went to get Conall more treats as he was hobbling once again this morning. It turned out to be rock saltstuck in his paw. I don't know why they use he darn stuff with so many dogs around... but that's another rant.

Marylou's soaps (and lip glosses) are actually just what I needed as I've been taking more baths to destress myself. And now with the storage cabinet, I have an accessible place to put them all!

The Cuisinart is awesome, although we still have to re-evaluate what appliances get priority on the counter. ...Our next purchase is a rolling pantry for that very reason.

The jewelery box is something I've needed for a long time, so thank you... but the card and the scissors were a little weird.

Was there something more I there that I was supposed to read into?

Anyway, all and all, thanks for a nice visit, albeit brief.

Love you,
Megs

...I just don't get it...

2007-12-29T18:11:00.000-05:00

...have you ever seen that episode of South Park where Token (the only black character) and Stan are in a fight because Stan's father used the "N" word on national TV? I looked for a clip as illustration to no avail... and they say you can find anything on the internet! :-P

Well, Stan tried to make amends with Token over and over in the episode, only to be met with CONSTANT and vehement refusal. But as the episode draws to a close, you see Stan running to Token screaming, "Token, I don't get it!!! I don't get it!!!".

Token's response after a long pause?

A smile, a wink, a knowing point "Now you get it, man."

That's kind of how I feel right about now. I just don't get it.

I don't understand why Aunt Jo flipped her wig on me for some comments I made to Matthew. I don't get why the family pushes closer when I asked for space. I don't get why Mom did what she did when she did. I don't get why people are ashamed of things that are common fact. As I said to Craig today, embracing my flaws is the most empowering thing I'd ever done - and it was one of the scariest to begin with. I don't get why we'd pretend everything was okay if she's mad at me for something... I don't get why she acts like she doesn't care.

"I DON'T GET IT!!!"

I DON'T GET IT. ...So, in a way, I kinda get it.

None of it matters, anyway. I'm living in a different place than the majority my family now. And I just have to accept it's okay... Like a vegan who has friends who wear leather coats. Suck it up.

I'm being me. That's the best I can do for now. I won't hide things that make me who I am.

BUH?!?!?!

2007-12-28T21:00:00.000-05:00

We sat civilily for 20 minutes and discussed inane topics of current family issues around xmas. It was almost pleasant... I asked if I should open anything while she was there and she said no... so I waited for Craig to get home... anxious as all hell.

So I got a scissor-charmed necklace for christmas inside a lovely jewelery box with a card illuding to being apart for a long time...

There was also a great cuisinart griddle/grill... and my cousin gave me some soaps and my uncle and aunt gave us a gift card to Canadian Tire...

But I'm really stuck on the scissors. ...Seriously, what are they supposed to mean?

I WANT to believe it was because of the hair modelling, but aren't scissors for people who are DOING the cutting. OY. Head games.

She wants you, yeah, yeah, yeah...

2007-12-27T19:00:00.000-05:00

So... I agreed to a meeting with Mom tomorrow and I'm not entirely sure what to do... so I'm thinking - NAP.

I'm always better on a rested brain.

Boxing Day... Holy Hell.

2007-12-26T11:00:00.000-05:00

Well, as some may or may not know, Craig has been working downtown near the Eaton Centre, and as he had to work today, I figured I'd join him on the way to work and try to get some shopping in.

...it was a good thing I left early... and too bad I'd forgotten to take my anxiety pill.

The stores I wanted to go to, Le Senza, Indigo, Body Shop and Old Navy had just enough people to keep me from a panic attack. The stores that blew me away were Arizia and Abercombie and Fitch which had lines tot the entrances. It felt like quite an accomplishment for me. :-)

I got the things I wanted (a book on the scientific destruction of the string theory and underwear) and made it out to see HUNDREDS of people pouring off the southbound subways and into the centre I had narrowly escaped. PHEW!

I got home and heard from Katie-beara and had some time to reflect on whether or not to see my smother... I mean, mother...

Lest I miss a day...

2007-12-25T21:29:00.000-05:00

I'm miserable again. This fucking day... there's more stress and hatred attached to it, rather than love. I HATE the fact that I miss the things that make me sick...

it makes me feel more sick.

Well, hell, maybe I am.

What I wanted to say to mother...

2007-12-24T13:23:00.000-05:00

"Merry Christmas, I miss you" seems too open to intrpretation. But my shrinks say that's all I can say via email.

I'm glad I'm away from you and the family. I think when Dad died, the balance between us shifted somehow, and somehow that wasn't good or appropriate.

My personality and yours shouldn't be together. Not because either of us is bad, but the combination of my anxieties with your need to control everything could never have had a good outcome.

I have not a single present under the tree.

And I'm still happy for where my life is. I have so much honest love in my life it astounds me.

It just saddens me that I've lost my trust for you and your family. It started back when my virginity story was broadcast like a fucking soap opera across the aunts and uncles network...

Then I was made to feel ashamed about my personal socializing choices. The parties I went to, and the outfits I wore - even though you have printed pages of smut describing more edgy things than I ever did, just sitting in your night stand... well, they were then, anyway. So I was made out to be a sicko, while you WERE a sicko - just behind closed doors. Hypocrite!

So as a teen I had to disguise myself to your family. I'm sorry but the whole family is about appearances. And I am at a point in my life I don't want apppearance, I want some honest content!

Then Dad was dying - and you treated me like a grown up... which at the time may have seemed right, but I was a little girl who was losing her Dad. I didn't want to give him more morphine to "help him along" or watch him at home everyday... but there he was. Until he wasn't.

And when he died I wanted to cry with you, but you always try to stop yourself, or say we're being "silly", "maudlin" or you've just had too much wine... why can't we just be sad for losing him?

So I reached for Chris. It's a dead story so I won't beat it to death. If I saw him today, I'd beat the crap out of him, but he helped me at a time you didn't. He was someone to tell stories and cry with. That was 90% of all we did. His mom this and my Dad that until we were either laughing or crying or both.

We did get pregnant together, and I had the abortion only because I didn't want HIM to have a child (he said he would take me to court if I tried to adopt it to someone)... The experience was horrid, painful beyond words, scary and yet he was there - and took care of me when I had to twice be rushed to hospital because of internal bleeding and he never left my side.

Credit where it's due, right?

Then, school... that was almost alright cause I had something to focus on and you were never around. That's probably the best we've ever got along... but I was also excelling at what you wanted me to do - so why would you be upset?

The whole Dr. Ed thing still makes my skin crawl. Do I know that I took money, yes. I get it - that was beyond bad, awful, evil, out of line for even a cent. But you and your family gave up on me and treated me as a criminal. ALL of it was all a cry for help from years of shit stacking up... and you and your family act disgusted around me.

Maybe that's where I started to give up on you.

Beth showed up and everyone... freezes. Suddenly the fact I'm "not yours" seems real to everyone. I love my baby sister with everything I am, but no one in your family could recognize they all started treating me differently. This isn't just me talking, but Craig, too.

I'm done with my acting. I'm a book so open, pages sometimes fly off in the wind.

God, I just feel like you really don't care. You didn't want me, Mom. You didn't want to be pregnant, you didn't want to stay home with a child, you wanted to LOOK like a successful all-rounded woman. And you did for a lot of years. You were more excited at the THOUGHT of having a child come to you, than when you held me the first time. You've said it youself. Seriously, think about it - that's kind of messed up.

I'm pretty sure you said you were sorry about "postponing" the wedding so you could have it under YOUR conditions - but I don't think I ever saw it or let it sink in.

I still have the belief that you knew what you were doing by postponing the wedding and because of that I can't forgive you.

You were my Mom and you should have know me well-enough to know what you were up to would KILL ME INSIDE. Unless you really are just dumb and as a child I've over-estimated you.

Anything is possible.

The worst thing is Craig has to see me cry everyday over my own mother's actions.

That's just fucking sick to me, and angering as hell for him.

...to do list, mostly completed, and then some.

2007-12-23T01:01:00.000-05:00

Not only did I have time to tidy, but my sister-in-law has some prezzies to open, my groceries are stocked away, I even got the laundry done and hit the gym... see, I can be productive!!! :-P

And now for something completely different: http://youtube.com/watch?v=dPk_f6Afpg0

If I could play guitar, I would BE her. Or her songwriting partner.

I am SO buying a guitar from a pawn shop so I can learn with Craig!

Second batch of shortbread ruined...

2007-12-22T07:38:00.001-05:00

To do:

clean up latest baking attempt (yes, it's 7:30am),
clean up after dog,
clean up after cats,
clean up after husband,
clean up after workmen come through my holiday home,
do laundry,
work-out (and work the abs this time),
write my sister to thank her for the gift and wonderful letter,
and find a way to quell the anger at my adoptive mother.

...is there a rub-in cream for that?

2007-12-21T09:35:00.000-05:00

I found a great picture of Craig and I from back in the Windsor days. He was actually sending me off to go home to Toronto, and we have totally pathetic looks in our eyes. I had probably been crying... LOL But this morning I saw a music video for "Ever Ever After" by Carrie Underwood and it totally brought my head back to the one thing that is most important in my life. He knows who he is...

Lyrics:

Storybook endings, fairy tales coming true

Deep down inside we want to believe they still do

And a secret is taught,

it's our favourite part of the story

Let's just admit we all want to make it, too

Ever ever after

If we just don't get it our own way

Ever ever after

It may only be a wish away

Start your own fashion,

wear your heart on your sleeve

Sometimes you reach what's real

just by making believe

Unafraid, unashamed

There is joy to be claimed in this world

You even might wind up being glad to be you

Ever ever after

Though the world will tell you it's not smart

Ever ever after

The world can be yours if you let your heart

Believe in ever after

No wonder your heart feels it's flying

Your head feels it's spinning

Each happy ending's a brand new beginning

Let yourself be enchanted,

you just might break through

To ever ever after

Forever could even start today

Ever ever after

Maybe it's just one wish away

Your ever ever after

...THEN I GOT HIS BY A BUS!...

2007-12-20T14:29:00.000-05:00

Except it wasn't a metaphor for surprise... I literally got hit by a bus!!!

We were heading back from the walk-in for Craig's back...

I've posted the pictures, (my poor dirty jacket), but as people know in Toronto, those TTC drivers are insane sometimes... the GREAT ones are a dime a dozen.

We get off the subway, Craig is still wincing...

I INSISTED Craig get on the awaiting bus bus while I ran by the store to grab something...

I ran out, assuming this was the same bus, with Craig on it...

That one had left, this was the last one for sometime...
I stood in front of the door on the road and knocked...
I THOUGHT he would open the door.
He started driving...
I started running (in pace with ease) next to the bus on the road...
The driver, looks at me and starts to speed it up, I keep running...
Until my sleeve caught the window trimming... and my hand slammed into it.
OUCH!!!!
The bus driver didn't even stop to see if I was okay....
So he's having a SERIOUS complaint filed....

I caught his bus number and route... thank you "Mr. 7879" driving the 47B bus around 1:30 this afternoon, Northbound from Bloor.

You've got some real growing up to do, man. RIGHT HERE. *points down*

openly broken boy...

2007-12-20T08:58:00.001-05:00

My fiance is still out with the back injury and thus my list of things to do, will likely not get done.

This includes posting anything of any significance here - but as an old friend once said, "somedays you just gotta race". :-P

My day has been... miscellaneous.

2007-12-19T22:06:00.000-05:00

My poor boy has been laid up with a bad back... luckily our friend is learning to be a chiropractor so suffice to say, Craig is feeling much better!

We managed to go and pick up the Simpson's DVD (so excited) and move some more things around the apartment - so far, we've staved off any disastrous effects from the animals and the cats have their own area now. So far so good.

Interestingly enough, I also botched a batch of christmas peppermind shrotbread this afternoon - something that feels quite like karmic retribution for the shunning of certain members of my family.

"NOT THE FOOD! CHRIST, NO! NOT THE FOOD!"

I am entirely exhausted from a whole lot of not much. I also must note my recipe for shortbread calls for too much flour. I will post the recipe once I perfect the little imperfections...

...ah, cookie recipes, so like life. :-P

SUPER HAPPY FUN DAY

2007-12-18T09:33:00.000-05:00

Dog peed on our couch last night.
Cat peed on the dog bed this morning.
Other cat peed on the same spot on the dog bed.
Sickness benefit deposited.
Then prematurely eaten by Visa bills.
...but with what's left, I get to spend all day shopping.

It has been 8 months since I've had ANY retail therapy.
Thank you, Lord! LOL
I get to collect some of the things I need for my wedding...
needlework.... I'm so excited...
Grandma Ball taught me this skill for this... and I'll actually use it!

So I have to get ready... but I thought I'd share one of my top 5 these days... it's my morning song:

Carrie Underwood

"So Small"

What you got if you ain't got love

the kind that you just want to give away

It's okay to open up, go ahead and let the light shine through

I know it's hard on a rainy day

you want to shut the world out and just be left alone

But don't run out on your faith

'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand

What you've been up there searching for forever is in your hands

When you figure out love is all that matters after all

It sure makes everything else seem so small

It's so easy to get lost inside

a problem that seems so big at the time

it's like a river thats so wide

it swallows you whole

While you sit around thinking about what you can't change

and worrying about all the wrong things

time's flying by moving so fast

you better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand

What you've been up there searching for forever is in your hands

When you figure out love is all that matters after all

It sure makes everything else seem so small

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand

What you've been up there searching for forever is in your hands

When you figure out love is all that matters after all

It sure makes everything else

Oh it sure makes everything else seem so small, yeah, yeah

Fait accompli...

2007-12-17T13:26:00.000-05:00

I don't care today...

Not that I want to see people hurt, or that I'm jaded.

I just know my own pain so well now, I'm not going to apologize for it or be embarassed about it.

If those around me want to be embarassed - that's fine.
Don't be around me, I'm making it easy on all of you.

"Who does Megan love?" mom would ask...
"Myself, because until I love me, I can't love anyone else"
Wisdom that I was NEVER allowed to live by.

Well, check this out: I'm gonna go cry for a second, walk my dog, vacuum the downstairs and dust... and I'm going to love every second... not just ME, but my choices, my breaths, random thoughts...

Every second I think about Mom on her own, Joanne being angry over innocent comments, my family being worried, not having a job or being scared about the myriad of reasons I have - I just drink it all it in... and remember that above all:

I am me.

Everyone else can LOVE it like I do, or leave it.

New things, changes, remodelling, it's all a metaphor...

2007-12-16T14:44:00.000-05:00

Our brand spankin`new futon, made by my father-in-law.

Our home finally looks like a home. This has settled me greatly. And Craig loves the fact we can actually sit next to each other on the couch. :-) In other happy notes, our puppy has been so hyper since the snow fall started, we've had no choice but to spend hours outside. This has been good for my my head and my body.

Conall eats as much snow as he can while laying in it simultaneously.

Something from long ago... in the 'before' time.

2007-12-15T20:40:00.000-05:00

Please note there is a space to comment at the bottom of each post for those who feel I'm crossing a line and wish to let me know. Probably won't change much, but I'm all for the free exchange of ideas.

March 7, 2005.
My Mantra - The Wallet Poem

"I Promise..."

Be good to me.
Admit that I know who I want,
and what I want.

Never settle.
Never accept less than my best.
Never second-guess my dreams.

I will not be afraid...
to be alone,
to try harder, nor
to be happy.

I CAN have more...

I AM a force of nature...

I WILL rape this day...

...and make my angels proud.

Wishes...

2007-12-14T11:31:00.000-05:00

Be careful what you wish for ,
Cause today I begged 'em not to see me cry
And the clouds opened up,
raining through the sky.

Suddenly the others saw
a girl laughing in the rain,
they saw a grin while I was weeping,
the scars were washed away.

Be careful what you wish for,
Cause that rain may come down
And even when you're dying
The world won't see that frown.

Suddenly your mantra is
a tangled mess of lies,
And "Fake it til you make it"
Only makes a thin disguise

So be careful what you wish for,
Cause wishes don't come free.
Sometimes you'll end up cold and wet
Rememb'ring what could be.